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Wow Moments

So last night was a big eye-opener for me. I really do love Kevin, he's amazing as hell. Makes me crazy happy, and he's so damn sweet to me. Even when he kind of annoys me, it's so easy to just put up with it because all I have to do is think about how happy he makes me at other times, and the little annoying things just don't bug me so much. I'll be living with my best friend over the summer. I'll miss living with Kevin, 'cause that's what I've been doing for all practical purposes, but I'

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Warning: Fragile

I feel like if anyone touches me, I'll break. Even if it's a hug, I'll just break. It doesn't matter if they love me or not, at this point enough bad things have happened that I'll just fall apart. I really hate feeling this way. All day today I've been kind of tearing up and then having take a few deep breaths to calm myself down. I'm nearing hysterical, and it's just not fun.   Why?   Some bad shit has happened to me, and I just don't want to talk about it. I'm shamed and feeling a

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Velocity vs Viscosity

You know how I have that brain thing where I think about a million things all at once? Well, one of my favorite books is Girl, Interrupted. There's a passage in there that explains it really well, so I'm posting it here. Pay attention to the velocity part. (Yes, I'm keeping the paragraphs exactly as they are in the book, it's part of the style. Looks better single spaced with slight indentions to mark paragraphs.)     Velocity vs. Viscosity   Insanity comes in two basic varieties: slow

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Vampires and Weight Loss

I've been seeing this guy, Kevin, for the past few days. Well, basically I met him about four days ago and have slept at his apartment (with my undies still on, might I add) each night since.   I went to the restaurant on campus by the library because my friend girl-Jamie (she's girl-Jamie and I'm boy-Jamie because we're name-mates) because she wanted Marti and I to go with her to meet people and get foodz. I got there and I saw Kevin, and I immediately thought "Jesus, he's adorable. Not

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Twitch

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo   A lot has changed. I realize full well that I have borderline personality disorder, but there has been another drastic identity change.   My mother and I had a talk after my last nice big nervous breakdown involving drugs, alcohol, bad grades, failed relationships, and general ennui regarding life, and she told me that I try to har

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Truths

I've decided to list the ones that I've found so far.     1.) It is far easier to find lies than truths.   2.) There are many truths, but many more lies.   3.) Lies can be disproven, and most truths can never be proven.   4.) Everyone will inevitably disappoint you at some point.   5.) Disappointment is neither good nor bad in and of itself.   6.) There is no unifying truth, no ultimate purpose.   7.) Truth differs subjectively between perspectives as it bends, contorts, and is so

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To a Child Not Yet Born

I have just finished reading one of the best books I have ever read in my entire life. It was pristinely crystalline. Perfect. I'm still in shock that it was able to make me not stop reading it all the way through. That hasn't happened to me in years.   A Density of Souls, by Christopher Rice   It was just... amazing. I saw a lot of things coming, as usual, but it was so detailed, so complex, so absolutely and indescribably perfect!   Stephen is perfectly written. All of the char

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The weirdness

Sometimes I be sitting here and I just think how surreal and strange life really is.  I never imagined I would be sitting in Mobile, AL, with a stranger's liver, trying to find purpose in my life.  I suppose it just goes to show that for all your careful planning and preparation, everything could be terribly doomed before you ever even start.  Hard pill to swallow.  I don't necessarily believe in fate, but I do think that sometimes coincidence is just too coincidental.     This may be

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The Perks of Being a Wallflower

If you haven't read the book, do it soon. I'm rereading it, and I'm quite fond of this book. Definitely on my top ten list, anyway. So, this is a poem from the book that I thought worth sharing. It's a really important part of the book and you'll understand more if you read the book, but it's awesome even by itself. I hope you enjoy it, anyway.   Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines   he wrote a poem   And he called it "Chops"   because that was the name of his dog  

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The Donor Got Jacked

My mother told me something extremely interesting and more than just a little hilarious today. As you all well know, I do not like my sperm-donor. Well, karma has bitten him squarely upon the ass, and it made me giggle.   He was robbed recently.   He was at work (offshore) and his wife was not home.   They took EVERYTHING. A few items missing:   -.45 pistol -Big screen TV -Computers -500 dollars in cash -Checks   Every drawer was up-ended. Every cabinet was raked bare. N

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The Dead to Me List Grows

I have found myself in a strange position.  I don't have many friends, and that circle has become even smaller lately.  Never being overly social, I value my time alone, so it doesn't bother me too much.  On the other hand, I find that when I allow myself too much time to think I get carried off on wild tangential paradoxical loops of thought that leave me wanting to peel my own skin off strip by strip in order to cease analyzing.  In my mind, there's a list of people.  It's not an ever present

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Smileyface!

So I'm wasting time right now until Kevin decides to wake up. I've been basically living at his apartment, going home to shower/shave/change/grab stuff and then I pretty much come right back, and I go to class. I gotta say it's sort of funny how now that I've backed away from my social circles, everyone's paying a lot of attention to me. It's so ironic that when I actually wanted attention, I could never get anyone to give me the time of day, and now that I have Kevin, everybody wants me to p

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Shot Boy?

All kinds of things are happening. It's so much fun, so much going on all at once, and it's just... it's how life SHOULD be. Slightly stressful, but not too much, and lots of good, with a steady stream of continual progress.   Well, I have a new roommate. Allan, my friend who hated his roomie, switched with my roomie so now we live together. Yeah, that's the Allan I made out with. No, I'm not going to make out with him again. It just isn't going to happen because of several factors, bu

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Really? REALLY?!

First off, you should listen to the song Dancing by Elisa. It's absolutely f**king beautiful and it makes me want to cry and smile and giggle and sob all at the same time.   So, the reason this entry is entitled "Really? REALLY?!" is because it's just un-freakin'-believable sometimes, with the shit life tends to throw at me. It's not bad, but I'm so frustrated! You guys know me, I'm a worrier, which means I want to fix everything and everyone.   Two of my aunts are losin' their freak

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PSY 110 Paper

So I have to write 10 pages worth of a paper for psychology. So far I have almost eight, and I'm splitting it into two papers (that's allowed so long as there's ten pages of text total). This one is a self-diagnosis, which I think is probably the last thing he wants to read, lol. I'm wondering if it's just too much to turn in... diagnosing myself with borderline personality disorder may be a bit weird of a read, but the paper is really vague, it's just supposed to be on how psychology applies

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Panicked apathy

A lot of the time I don't like to talk about what goes on inside my head very truthfully or directly.  I almost feel ashamed or dirty whenever I talk about it.  I hate the idea of talking about my thoughts and being rejected, made fun of, laughed off, or the worst possible consequence which would be making another person feel worse by sharing what I'm thinking.  The voices in my head shout alarms, and I end up in a strange state of being where I'm at once having a panic attack and also telling m

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Ouch

I have a set of values I tend to try to live my life by, nowadays.  I've culled these from various sources, trying to be as objective as possible when evaluating how this can impact my life without regard for where I initially picked up the idea.  Like for instance, a lot of what I believe and try to live by is blatantly stolen from Christianity, which would have once left a sour taste in my mouth, but now I recognize it for what it is.  It's just a good idea with a sordid past because of people

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New Toy

I've been saying for years I would get around to learning how to play piano.  I kinda started trying to pick it up in college, but there wasn't really anybody to explain to me basics and back in the day we didn't have all the wonders of the internet that we do today (omg I'm so old).     Anyway, so I broke down and bought one!  It's nothing crazy special, but I did make sure it had the full 88 keys and fully weighted hammer action keys and all that jazz so it's as close to a real piano

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MSN, Finances, And Villainy

Okay, so how's it going, guys? My MSN list is officially a wasteland. Once upon a time, I could sign in and have wondrously meaningful and interesting or at least just random funny conversations at any time of day or night. Now... there is never a soul online. I have like five people that I ever speak to, and everyone else is just... gone. My solution: greeneyeliner39429@hotmail.com, come entertain me sometime. Yah, random, but I like having people to talk to and I like being social someti

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Mmm, Jello

So I went out last night to a house party with my friend Paul. One important fact that I have learned over the years; my favorite alcoholic drink is, by far, the jello shot. Can you think of a more perfect drink? It's not even a drink, it's a snack. That means you can have a drink at the same time. You can't taste the alcohol, only the jello-ey goodness. It's just so convenient, so fun.   I will admit that usually I don't exactly have a lot of fun at parties. I'm always either totally

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Meh

"Here is Insanity," he said.  "Make sure you don't stay long, the flight in is super cheap but the flight out?  Good luck if you can even get a flight, not to mention how much you'll pay for it."   I looked around and recognized nothing.  It was blissful.  I couldn't tell what was bad or good, I had no sense of self or purpose, I lost, well, everything.  It was so nice just to be.  I thought I'd stay forever.   "Yeah man, it's kind of like day two-oh-six of a drinking binge,

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Long One, Lulz

So I'll start by explaining yesterday, which exemplifies why I often lose all faith in people, lol. Liz's ex, Pete, came to stay with us for a couple days. The reason for this is that their mutual friend is the Romanian guy, Adrian, who once hit on me while he was incredibly inebriated in that thick accent of his, proclaiming "Motherf**ker! My parents hate me! I want to f**k you!" Most awkwardly hilarious thing that's ever happened with a guy, just sayin'.   Adrian jumped in front of an

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Life be weird sometimes, yo

Okay so ever since I got really sick and had to take that huge leave of absence and then I got back to work and I was still sick and have been out like four times in the last four months because of various things, I've been terrified of work.  My job gives me panic attacks sometimes, I always feel like I'm going to get into trouble.  Why do I feel like that?   Honestly, I'm a pretty great employee.  I mean everything I do is right in line with what they want for the most part, and wher

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Lemme tell ya'll a thing

Okay, so, I will say this first.  Do not be mean to your customer service people.  No matter what, never start out a call being mean.  You never know who you'll get.  Sometimes you'll get me.  And bitch I am good at my job, but woe unto the person who angers me.   This woman today, last call of my day, continued to berate me and call me names and refuse to be cooperative whilst she was yelling at a police officer as well.  Ms. Barbara was a handful, but like the professional I am, I at

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Just one moment

I went to the gas station and like an idiot left my wallet, I just wanted to buy cigarettes (before you say it, yes, I know I'll get the cancer, I'm fully realizing that, I'm okay with it, I'm just gonna jump off a building when it happens, but for right now it keeps me sane, I like to borrow against my future, probably not healthy but we cope in our own ways).  I went to the counter and he said "6.67".  I reached for my wallet and SURPRISE, that shit is not there, because I've been so distracte

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