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Random ramblings from the Amadán Dubh

Entries in this blog

New Beginnings

SP and I got married yesterday -- the 1-yr anniversary of our first date.  We'll need to take off Monday morning to return the license to the court clerk.

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

Holidays

Cake was a hit, but.... Morning before I left my brother called to say dad had fallen (again) and this time shattered his leg just below the hip.  They did a partial hip replacement yesterday morning, using a spinal block instead of putting him out completely.  Doc said his leg / hip bones looked like someone who was 48, not 98 so that was good. He was doing ok this morning. Came back home to find a car from the AirBnB across the street parked in my driveway.  They moved it pretty quic

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

Tha e air a dhèanamh

It is done.  They were able to place my Boy's headstone yesterday.  C's sis sent me an email at almost midnight last night that I didn't see until lunch today. It looks good. It feels....   relief?   I had really wanted / needed it to be installed before his birthday on Monday, and was afraid they weren't going to be able to do it because of the weather. His sis was wanting it done before his birthday as well. If the state doesn't wash away, I'll go down on Monday for his birthday, and be a

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

Patience

My Boy's headstone is - finally - ready; HOWEVER -- they are going to have to wait "until the ground is a bit drier" before they can install it. I just want him to have it before his birthday on the 27th.  At least they didn't screw it up a third time. It does help some to know that it's ready.  Extremely annoyed at my best friend who, not intending to be a bitch she says, used the word "antzy" to describe my feelings on it's continuing delay.  More storms moving in overnight into tomo

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

Old "Friends"

I introduced my best friend in high school to my best friend from college and they got married and had 5 kids -- all of whom still call me "Uncle". Then his brains turned to mush,  he married the Whore of Babylon, had other kids and forgot about his first family.  I've not spoke with him in ages. Last time we talked he apologized for only calling when he needed money -- them promptly asked for money. The oldest boy is angry, but still wants his dads love. He's given L second chance after se

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

joie de vie

Something during my trip up to see mom and my Aunt on Friday has triggered a full-blown allergy attack.  If it weren't for my stubborn insistence that I will have my bœuf bourguignonne for lunch I'd still be in bed.  But...   as I so want it for lunch it has to start now.  One of the reasons I rarely make it -- too much of a pain in the ass to bother for one person. However, it's what I was going to make my Boy last year before our plans fell apart, and what I was going to make him for Valentine

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

2am Phone Calls

Brother [M] called at 1:44am this morning. Dad -- who would have turned 100 on Oct. 7th -- had been sliding a bit but not rapidly. We expected something soon - but not this soon. He was hurting quite a bit last night so Hospice gave him what M called "a very tiny amount" of morphine just to knock the edge off the pain.  Before he left they said his vital signs were really good.  He hadn't been sleeping that well. The morphine allowed him to relax enough to go into a deep sleep and...just di

Fae Briona

Fae Briona in Family

Friends and Fear

My best friend sent me a txt at 6am this morning.  She's in a hospital in OKC with a massive infection in her lower back. She's had multiple back surgeries in the last 10+ years. Two weeks ago her pain level was so high she was nearly suicidal. Not helping that her "pain management" Dr. cut back her pain Rx to a point where they're useless. She finally convenced them to take an MRI and they found a "raging infection of osteomyelitis in her spine where her hardware is. She kept trying to tel

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

Deireadh

L gave me the number to the Memorial place that C's sis had used.  She'd put down a down-payment on the headstone, but wasn't sure how she was going to pay for the rest of it.  It's been such a busy week, I hadn't had time to call them until lunch today.  Thay had to call his sis to get her verbal OK before talking to me (which I expected) and I paid off what was left on the headstone; was about what I was expecting. It was something I felt like I had to do for my Boy. I didn't expect the emotio

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

Date Night

Nervous tonight.  SP  has to work tomorrow evening at his second job so our Valentine's date is tonight. Shaved my beard down close -- it hasn't been this tight in decades -- because he thought the longer one I had made me look older (probably did). He knows how long I've worn it that way and that this is only something I would be doing for him. Will leave here in about 30 min to go pick him up. Much more nervous than I thought I would be.  Made sure to have his card and box of chocola

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

Haberdashery

Found a menswear store in this town that can actually do decent tailoring (or so I've been told).  Going in for a fitting on Friday after work.  I need a new suit, and my body frame is too oddly proportioned  to even consider just wearing a suit off the rack -- especially the jacket.  Un-tailored, a suit jacket that fits my shoulders is way to baggy around my chest; and my waist (narrow) and leg length (long) is a nearly impossible size to find even in normal dress slacks.  Hoping they are as go

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

Haberdashery: Measurments

Forgive the pun but suitably impressed by my suit consultation today.  Getting a nice light charcoal in a wool/silk blend.  Gentleman took several measurements and I left feeling confident that when the suit arrives in a week or so there won't be that much "fine tuning" to do for it to fit perfectly. And the total cost is going to be less than I expected, so that's a bonus!

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

Poetry and Prose

I had problems falling asleep last night and this popped into my head unbidden and fully formed. Then insisted I write it down before it would let me rest (you can picture whatever Muse is to blame standing behind me, his sharpened quill-pen ✒️ at my throat) : My beautiful rose made of shattered glass, glittering in the sunlight and morning dew. Beautiful from afar, but made of sharp points and rough edges which cut & scar when you try to hold it too close, hold it

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

Random thoughts

Attended the memorial for the wife of a faculty member today.  They had planned on retiring this year (for the second time), take a position back with his Alma Mater that involved less work (his idea of retirement), and enjoying their time together.  She was a sweet, kind, lovely woman -- but don't mistake that for weak. Not sure exactly how long they've been married, but longer than I've been alive. Between that and the weather changes making me ache, I've been mostly awake since 3am.

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

Under [not enough] Pressure

Blood pressure was low yesterday morning so just took a 1/2 a pill.  Dropped to a point I nearly passed out when standing up at one point.  Only got up to 105/72 by 5pm last night (pulse of 75). It's just 85/62 this morning with a pulse of 109 (pulse would be that high because the bp is so low).  No idea what's up but it could stop and I'd be happy.  Need to eat something for breakfast then try to lay down and stay down for the morning.

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

For love is sufficient unto love.

SP and I have had several conversations, and a couple have circled back to becoming partners but maintaining our individuality.  Just ran across this quote from Kahil Gibran from The Prophet [if you've never read this, do so]:  

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

The New Plague

Last Tuesday I woke up w. an ear ache from sinus congestion and  a slightly elevated temp; went into Urgent Care on Wed and -- based on my history of sinus infections and a lack of more serious symptoms -- got some antibiotics. Those haven't worked.  My normal body temp is at the low end of normal (low to mid 97's; occasionally high 96's. Hit hit 99.8F yesterday. Shortness of breath is getting worse, lethargy has been present the last few days, and this morning the "digestive upset" portion

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

Grief and Guilt

One week from tomorrow is the 4th anniversary of C's death.  It's hitting me harder than normal this year -- then I start to feel guilty about morning C while I have SP by my side.  😢

Fae Briona

Fae Briona in Life

Puppy Love

SP and I moved the dogs over yesterday evening -- it was a long long night. We're sure they'll adjust at some point, but it could be awhile before that happens. Wish us luck.

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

Lean air adhart a ’dèanamh na tha math dhomh

Finally realized that I'm going to have to finish painting the loft the same way I started:  playing songs of love and loss, grieving for my boy, and loosing myself in the painting. It's the only way the loft can get done and -- more importantly -- I think it's one of the things that has to be closed for me to let him go. Though I should have left Rebecca Ferguson's version of "I'll Count the Days" off the playlist. 😭 The other is for his headstone to finally be installed. Sent an email to

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

Waiting

Drove up to see my Aunt this morning before she passes.  Mom and I went over once I got into town.  There was enough of an awareness that when mom said we were there, her breathing rate changed.  Almost like she was struggling to the surface.  I told her to relax -- that she didn't need to respond to us, and sat holding her hand. Told her I loved her. Weren't there too long, but by the time we left her breathing had settled back into a calm and regular (if shallow) pace.  Her blood pressure (top

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

Dreamscapes

I frequently have vivid hyper-realistic dreams but some are more odd than others. Last night I had a very strange dream and vivid dream and can still remember the main details.  There was a city with six sides, surrounded by walls, and at each corner a Gothic spire rose impossibly high into the sky, slowly arching over at the top until they met in the center high above the city.  There was some sort of disk on top of the points of the spires -- entire thing was almost like a birdcage. I was

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

In Medias Res

My friend S had me call the cemetery yesterday, to check to see if C's family had ordered a headstone yet, or if they needed more cash -- those things are expensive.  The cemetery sent a letter to his father, but I think they have the wrong address (they sent it within this state but last I knew, from not too many month's ago, his father lived one state over); but you'd think they would have confirmed the address they have on file??? They'll send another letter (to the same, possibly incorrect,

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

Can't win for loosing

Well, apparently, in addition to not lasting more than a few days when it should last a few weeks and increasing my shaking, the dual steroid shot I got on Friday makes my blood pressure go up. It's increased every reading [morning / evening] since Friday. Of course, I did need something to break the pain for a bit at least and it did let me get up to the memorial & back which I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. If I get it again I need to remember that the higher reading isn't one of

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

Friends and Family

Got an email this evening from a mutual friend of C and his sister. His sis isn't doing that well dealing with the loss; neither am I to be honest.  C was a very private person, with everyone it seems, so I spent the last hour trying to decide how much to say and what I shouldn't.  I did say that he was a man I loved dearly, that we had been dating off and on the the last several years, and that he was someone I saw a future with.  I included the last selfie he sent me (G-rated) and the pic of t

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

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