(Pre-caution: I'm bound to talk randomly and babble stuff that perhaps doesn't make sense.)

So I'm in love with a straight guy. Again. With the same person. Pathetic.

Pathetic is I. My Charles is everything I could have wanted.

(And he just called me right now.)

I guess I've never really stopped loving him from the first time. Just the feeling has become an element flowing in the blood. You'd always know it's there. And only would appear when stirred.

And I was stirred.

The other day he was standing at the door of my room. He looked so nice. Not categorically handsome or cute or anything. But to me, he was just perfected. And talented. Attached is a extremely short demo he made.

I've been feeling all kinds of mixed emotions these days. I'm always happy when I hang out with him. Yet sometimes am sad and a tug at heartstrings constantly. Among the group of friends there's a joke. We call Charles and another guy, Louis, a couple, even though both are desperately straight. And I always have to pretend to be joyful when mentioned the joke. It's just hard to even joke about him being with a guy, when the guy's not me.

Anyway. I've been feeling too happy. contented, desperate these days that I thought I should post some blog about him.

And this is the first.

The first time around I was also desperate, much worse than I am right now. It was him who I had attempted slitting the wrist and left several beautiful scars.

There was a hug between us, one I'd always remember. It was after a long talk we had, one that somehow revealed that I did love him. I asked him to just stand up and put his arms by his side and do nothing else, which he did. I stood close to him and wrapped my arms around him. I would have been contented by the one-sided hug. What surprised me was that he responded almost immediately and hugged me tight. The hug was warm. I almost cried at that hug.

The hug was almost the closest we'd gotten in that first phase of our friendship. The rest after it went downhill.

Gotta run. Lemme remember more and write more.