So, some of you may have noticed that I haven't been very active lately. I checked the forums yesterday and had a huge shock when I noticed that the member status thingies had changed... I haven't been busy. I'm still unemployed. I've barely been writing, and I haven't touched an instrument in like two weeks.
I've just been depressed.
It's been coming in sort of waves. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I decided to make an appointment with my GP to see if I could get a referral to a shrink. I went last Monday, and she wrote and sent off a referral for me, but she also prescribed me antidepressants.
I'm currently taking 5mg Escitalopram per day. There are side-effects, and their severity varies from day to day. Some days I'm mostly fine, just kind of tired. Other days, I get nausea, shakes, headaches, sort of feverish symptoms. My heart races, and I feel hot or cold.
It takes a few weeks for antidepressants to actually take effect, so at the moment they're making things worse rather than better. If the side-effects have subsided in about a week, I'm to up the dosage to 10mg per day.
I'm scared. I'm worried about what this is going to do to my creativity, to my artistic ability. At the moment, I'm just taking it one day at a time. I mean, it's not like I was managing to do much without the meds either. Now I'm just waiting to hear from the shrink, and I'm going back to see my GP in 2 weeks to talk about how the meds are working out and whether to continue further treatment. She's a very good doctor.
Anyway, that's why I'm not here much. I thought some of you might like to know. Or not.
It's weird, because I can be temporarily cheery. In London last week with my mum, I had loads of fun. We went to the theatre, and I was psyched about that, and I met a funny magician in Camden and that made me happy, and I got new Deadpool comics at Forbidden Planet and that made me happy, and there were all these little things that made me feel temporarily happy. Today as well, it was Magpie's birthday, and he liked my present so that made me happy, and we went out for dinner and he was cheery so I was cheery. The food was super tasty, so that made me happy too. But when all outside influences are gone, it's like I'm just sat here with no motivation and it's just empty and dark.
I feel empty and dark and I don't know what to do about it. It's not the first time I'm depressed, but it's like I've just repressed all the other times so I don't know how I got through it then either. Only all the other times I've been like this I think I've had some kind of routine. School, mostly, or work even. Something to get me out of bed in the mornings, get me out of the house, even if I'm a total zombie doing it, and now I have nothing. You can go to school if you're a zombie. You can perform routine tasks in a workplace, mostly, cause it's all automated. But you can't create art, and that's the only thing I have at the moment and it doesn't work.
I haven't got the energy to look for work, which stresses me out and makes me feel guilty. Magpie's very kind and supportive, but I'm starting to feel like a burden because I have no income. I've taken up a small loan in the Bank of Mother. She's happy to help, but that makes me feel guilty too, and that just pushes me down further.
If you've made it to here, I applaud you. I probably wouldn't have read all that shit. Skimmed it, maybe. So if you read all this, thanks for taking an interest. It sort of helps, I think.
TL;DR: I feel shitty, and I'm depressed, but I'm on medication so hopefully I'll get better soon.