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What's Going On With Me

Thorn Wilde

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So, some of you may have noticed that I haven't been very active lately. I checked the forums yesterday and had a huge shock when I noticed that the member status thingies had changed... I haven't been busy. I'm still unemployed. I've barely been writing, and I haven't touched an instrument in like two weeks.

 

I've just been depressed.

 

It's been coming in sort of waves. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I decided to make an appointment with my GP to see if I could get a referral to a shrink. I went last Monday, and she wrote and sent off a referral for me, but she also prescribed me antidepressants.

 

I'm currently taking 5mg Escitalopram per day. There are side-effects, and their severity varies from day to day. Some days I'm mostly fine, just kind of tired. Other days, I get nausea, shakes, headaches, sort of feverish symptoms. My heart races, and I feel hot or cold.

 

It takes a few weeks for antidepressants to actually take effect, so at the moment they're making things worse rather than better. If the side-effects have subsided in about a week, I'm to up the dosage to 10mg per day.

 

I'm scared. I'm worried about what this is going to do to my creativity, to my artistic ability. At the moment, I'm just taking it one day at a time. I mean, it's not like I was managing to do much without the meds either. Now I'm just waiting to hear from the shrink, and I'm going back to see my GP in 2 weeks to talk about how the meds are working out and whether to continue further treatment. She's a very good doctor.

 

Anyway, that's why I'm not here much. I thought some of you might like to know. Or not.

 

It's weird, because I can be temporarily cheery. In London last week with my mum, I had loads of fun. We went to the theatre, and I was psyched about that, and I met a funny magician in Camden and that made me happy, and I got new Deadpool comics at Forbidden Planet and that made me happy, and there were all these little things that made me feel temporarily happy. Today as well, it was Magpie's birthday, and he liked my present so that made me happy, and we went out for dinner and he was cheery so I was cheery. The food was super tasty, so that made me happy too. But when all outside influences are gone, it's like I'm just sat here with no motivation and it's just empty and dark.

 

I feel empty and dark and I don't know what to do about it. It's not the first time I'm depressed, but it's like I've just repressed all the other times so I don't know how I got through it then either. Only all the other times I've been like this I think I've had some kind of routine. School, mostly, or work even. Something to get me out of bed in the mornings, get me out of the house, even if I'm a total zombie doing it, and now I have nothing. You can go to school if you're a zombie. You can perform routine tasks in a workplace, mostly, cause it's all automated. But you can't create art, and that's the only thing I have at the moment and it doesn't work.

 

I haven't got the energy to look for work, which stresses me out and makes me feel guilty. Magpie's very kind and supportive, but I'm starting to feel like a burden because I have no income. I've taken up a small loan in the Bank of Mother. She's happy to help, but that makes me feel guilty too, and that just pushes me down further.

 

If you've made it to here, I applaud you. I probably wouldn't have read all that shit. Skimmed it, maybe. So if you read all this, thanks for taking an interest. It sort of helps, I think.

 

TL;DR: I feel shitty, and I'm depressed, but I'm on medication so hopefully I'll get better soon.

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Perhaps finding an organization to volunteer for to provide a routine and a sense of accomplishment would help?  And you can always drop into my pm if you want to talk to someone. Feel better! :hug:

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Sorry to hear you've not been well recently, I hope you find your creative spark again :)

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I hope you will feel better soon !! . Being unemployed is no fun and being depressed too that must be so hard ! :(

 

:hug: :hug:

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Hope you will find the sunshine in your life again :)

 

Depression is like a long dark tunnel for me, it is hard to stand still in a dark place and hard to move forward without bearings.

 

Staying connected to your friends and loved ones is the best medicine outside the drugs.

 

As for jobs, what do you like to do? What can you do? And, what do you want from it?

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OK, don't beat yourself up but you need a plan. And forget art for the moment unless you can earn money from it - like now. You need to start earning money again so you can feel good about yourself and regain your independence.

The first thing you need is a routine to your day. That means setting the alarm clock to the normal daily getting up time you had when you were working. If necessary place it out of reach. Next you need a good breakfast to give your body fuel and kick start your day. Many people skip breakfast because "there's no time". Well you have time now. Porridge is good - and cheap - and will fuel you for hours. Tea or coffee will wake you up. Then get yourself cleaned up and dressed for the day - just as you normally would have done. Now the plan - you can start on this tomorrow after your breakfast :P Take two blank sheets of paper and write down
1. Your financial situation: basically your expenditure, how long you have before you need more money, and how much income you'll need from a job [minimum and target]
2. The various jobs and tasks you've done when you were employed. Then highlight those tasks you enjoyed doing and those you think you are good at - they may not be the same. Next, think about jobs that include those tasks you enjoyed doing and where you have relevant skills. Don't analyse at this point, just do a brainstorm. Now the next part - matching what you enjoy doing and where you have relevant experience with jobs that might suit you. So, if you like meeting and interacting with people that could include a huge number of jobs ranging from sales to working behind the counter in a coffee shop. This is where you're going to need help. Get an appointment at your Job Centre this week. Show your Job Adviser your notes on how much income you need, what jobs you've done, what you like doing and where you have relevant skills and tell them you want them to work with you to match those with suitable and available jobs. Also get advice on drafting your CV and agree another visit to go through this and get their input. And get their advice on websites to check daily, and good recruitment agencies and where they specialise. You may have to lower your sights initially but the important thing is get yourself moving forward, earning money so you can remotivate yourself to do the other things. Lots of other stuff you'll need to think about too, like how far you'll travel, would you relocate etc. All these things should be added to your plan.

You can do this :)
 

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Sorry, things aren't going well for you.  Don't give up.  YOu have lots of support,  Monetarily, only you know what you need there.  Don't feel guilty for Mom helping.  We've all probably been there at a young age, or some even at an older age.  Just don't let it become a habit. 

I agree with Zombie. Keep plowing away, keeping in mind All your skills, and if you have to take something different for awhile, so be it.  Life has a way of getting you there in the long run.  YOu just have to be patient.

Please play your music.  Piano is a great outlet for me.  I took lessons, but I love to just see how much I can play by ear.  You've lots of talent Thorne. 

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TW..., don't feel guilty.  You're depressed so it's impossible to look for work due to it (isn't that like the definition of it?  :P).  Feeling guilty isn't going to help, so stop thinking about it.  But I do agree with Zombie's plan.  Though I think the crucial part here is go back to a routine, and participate in some social circles (like coming to GA helps ;)).  Stop thinking about money (that part really doesn't help).

 

I agree with Jo Ann.  Play some music or whatever you enjoy for a while (mine is photography).  It takes time to get out of depression.  There is no magic pill that'll take you through it in minutes.  Everything takes time, so be patient.

 

And do get out of the house once a while.  This is highly unscientific I am going to say here, but I believe Vitamin D is tied to hormone regulation.  I know how hard it is to get out of the house when one is still in depression, but please by all means get out and have a walk, get yourself some sunshine.  That's why when I was in depression, I did some gardening and took landscape photos.  They really help!

 

And as for the medication, if it's causing you trouble, you DEFINITELY have to talk to your doctor about it.  While I was doing research, a lot of people said certain drugs work for them but not others.  Everyone is tuned a little differently.  And dosage is also crucial here.  Please talk to your doctor.

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Oh, the side-effects are perfectly normal, Ashi. They tend to last for at least two weeks, sometimes up to a month, and the pills don't actually take proper effects for a few weeks either. That's just the way it is, and it's not at all worrying. I'm having side effects that almost everyone who takes the damn things experience at first. Then the body adjusts. I'm not worried, but it's a massive pain in the arse.

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I was prescribe Citalopram for quite a while, but neither it, nor the numerous others I was prescribed ever worked for me. I don’t recall ever suffering from side-effects, but most of the time I was on meds, I was also homeless. Anti-depressants work for some people, but not for everyone.  ;–)

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1 minute ago, droughtquake said:

I was prescribe Citalopram for quite a while, but neither it, nor the numerous others I was prescribed ever worked for me. I don’t recall ever suffering from side-effects, but most of the time I was on meds, I was also homeless. Anti-depressants work for some people, but not for everyone.  ;–)

They worked for me in the sense that they made me less depressed. But they also made me virtually unable to write after a while. They're also not recommended for people with bipolar disorder, so when I got my diagnosis last year, they changed my meds. Poof! Creativity outflow!

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