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You aren't worth my forgiveness.


Caipirinha

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"Call your cousin."

 

I dropped my fork and looked gave my mother what I'm sure was a look somewhere in between more confused than a cross dresser standing infront of the bathrooms at a restaurant and horrified that she would ever ask me to do such things.

 

"Louie?"

 

"Yes Louie."

 

"What the hell for?"

 

"Because he still wants to see you." I'm sure I gave her another confused glance. "He came up with a box truck to help your father move some of his shit."

 

And from there the conversation went to hell.

 

My father came up today at some point while I was at work to move some of his things out of our house. My parents have been divorced for well over a year and a half and he just now decides he wants his things. This is a frustrating matter enough in and of itself because my mother has given him notice on several occasions that she would like his belongings moved out by x amount of time. And he has repeatedly ignored her letters. And he has also gone to his lawyer repeatedly complaining that my mother is making herself unavailable to him and trying to take legal action against her, even though on several occasions he came to our house, with my brother here to help him move, sifted through his trash, and left without actually taking anything. I don't know what my mother finally did, but she managed to get him up here with my cousin and a box truck.

 

But nothing is ever easy with my father now is it.

 

Legally, he has forfeited all of his belonging to my mother because in their divorce papers he was alloted 60 days to remove all of his possesions before they were forfeited to my mother. Like I said a year and a half later, he just missed his 60 days by a slim margin. So, to begin with my mother is doing him a courtesy of even giving him any of his trash back. Especially the things that we could really use. But like I said nothing is every easy with my father now is it.

 

He decided that while he was sifting through his own trash he was going to take with things that belonged to my mother, myself, and things we were storing for my brother. My mother obviously objected because plain and simple it's not his and never was his. So he apparently lost his temper about the fact that she once again was making it too difficult for him to remove his belongings and that she was being uncooperative. So he exited our house, telling my mother that we haven't seen the last of him, and went and sat in his car for apparently long enough to call the police.

 

He called the f**king police.

 

The police arrive and the officer comes in and apparently tells my mother something to the effect of "Listen do you want him to take his stuff out or not? Because he can take his stuff if you let him or he can just leave." At which point my mother explained to the police offer the situation, and showed him the divorce papers stating that after 60 days anything left on our property was forfeited to us and that she was just doing this a s a courtesy to him because he does have alot of things here that are monetarily valuable (full tool sets, loads of hunting gear and clothes, a chest freezer, etc.). The cop, who was impressed with my mother and frustrated with my mother, went out and said something to the effect of "You should count your blessings for they're worth. Take your things, and only your things, and run because she doesn't have any reason, legal or otherwise, to give them back to you." He leaves mumbling something about 'I can't believe the things people call us for...' So way to go WPD for basically calling my father an ungrateful jackass to his face.

 

Three truck loads, and 2 box truck loads later, my garage is almost completely empty as is my basement. My father leaves again, swearing that we haven't seen the last of him.

 

Tomorrow we get to call the alarm company to have our system reconfigured to take out the motion sensors (so our cats don't set them off) because after him loosing his mind on my mother this afternoon and swearing twice that we haven't seen the last of him my mother feels the need to start setting it again. We're also having our locks changed, again.

 

My mother tells me all of this over dinner. I come home, physically and emotionally exhausted by all of this and go straight to sleep, one of my father's greatest legacies to me. Ever since I was a little kid, I would just go to sleep to escape him. He wouldn't bother me if I was sleeping. So today at almost 2 decades old, everytime I'm emotioanlly drained, I go to sleep. Everytime I'm frustrated, angry, depressed, I sleep. Everytime I'm a passenger in a car, I get flashbacks to when he used to kidnap me, and I intially have an anxiety attack and then, you guessed it, go to sleep. And I hate him for that. For the fact that half of my actions are derived from nuerosis and avoidance techniques.

 

And while I was realizing how much I hate him for screwing me up, I also realized that it seems all my life, just as I am on the threshold of forgiveness, he does something to break every last shred of trust and respect that he's been building up. I obviously don't trust someone who has threatened my mother and my home that we haven't seen the last of him. I obviously do not trust someone who has threatened to kill me and scared me sufficiently to the point of spending countless nights at other people's houses because I was honestly afraid that someday he just might. I don't respect someone who is going to take the blame and twist it every which way to take it off of himself and put it on other. I don't respect a man who would go absolutely out of his way to villainize someone who is doing him a favor. I don't respect a man who would rather take out his aggressions on others like a 3 year old having a temper tantrum than like the 57 year old man he is.

 

I'm tired of writing this entry.

 

I'm tired of holding a grudge. I'm tired of putting myself out on a limg hoping that maybe just maybe this time something have changed and that he'll be different. I'm tired of being dissapointed time and time again. I'm tires of holding a grudge and being angry. I can't possibly stress that enough. I'm tired of this whole situation, and I'm just tired of him for continually bringing stress to everyone around him, the so called 'only people who ever mattered to him.' The only people he 'ever really loved.'

 

I just want to be over with this part of my life.

2 Comments


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Hey Luigi,

 

I'm so very sorry for all the pain and trauma your father is putting you and your family through. I know it must be extremely painful now, and as you said, you just want this chapter in your life to be over; but on the bright side perhaps this chapter is almost over. I mean now that he has all of his stuff. I mean I know he said that you guys hadn't seen the last of him and indeed you probably haven't; however, now that is stuff is gone at least he'll have one less "concrete" reason to bother you.

 

I also suspect that in time it really WILL get better. I mean chances are with everything you've been through you'll never be fully, 100% over it, but in time the pain won't seem as fresh. Try to see this as an important step in getting a little more closure.

 

Also please don't beat yourself up about the way you're handling it. It sucks that he's hurt you enough to cause you to have such a strong reaction, but I think you're doing a great job dealing with it. Sleeping may not be the best way, but it's certainly not the worst either. It's much better than turning to drugs, alcohol, gambling or obsessive eating or shopping or something. Furthermore, as long as you realize that the sleeping won't really solve anything, and then work toward resolving your feelings; I definitely think you're on the right track.

 

I'd also like to say that, while I don't know you that well, you seem like a really awesome person! Intelligent, witty, positive, and endowed with a very cool and healthy attitude toward life. You seem like a strong person, a fighter. If I had to guess, I'd say that you'll come through this fine and be better for it.

 

Please know that you are not alone. Not only am I sure you could talk to your mom (and probably other family members and friends) about this, but of course I'm sure many people here, including myself, would be perfectly willing, and very honoured to lend a sympathetic ear. Please let me know if there's anything I can I do. Take care of yourself and stay strong and positive; I think you'll be fine.

 

All the best,

Kevin

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Hi Caipirinha,

 

I really don't know what to say except that I wish I could give you a big hug. :hug: And yeah, I know it wouldn't make things better exactly, but hugs are still good. :) I really hope things start calming down for you soon.

 

- Kaiten

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