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The Letter


Zarcie

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Here I am, still not writing about my new school experiences but hey, I still have time to talk about that. So, today was my first day off in three weeks, which was great even though I had a lot of shit to do and my life managed to get even more confusing. However, we'll start with the non-confusing events first.

 

Recently, in trying to figure out what piercing I'm going to get this summer (Danielle and I have made it a tradition to get a new one every year) I noticed that my eyebrow piercing, which I've had for 2 years didn't look so good. I credit that to some new jewelry I tried to wear awhile back that had a pretty thing dangling from the top that felt too heavy so I only wore it once. Well, I think my wearing it made my piercing start to reject so I went to the place I got my last piercing done and asked them and sure enough I was told to take it out. :( It is very sad. It was my very first body piercing and I got it in Camden London. The good news is that I was told I can have it redone in a couple weeks after its all healed! So, for the moment I'm one piercing down and I still have to figure out what I want to get done this summer. Any suggestions would be great.

 

On to the confusion. I have a lot of crap due in my classes next week so the plan was to go to the library to get it done. Of course this is J's weekend to work and I'll be working with him tomorrow. Well, as soon as I got there he says he has something he wants to give me so to let him know before i leave. I'm thinking maybe a late valentine since he kinda stood me up last weekend. He told Tracy he felt like an ass about it. She of course agreed that he should feel like an ass. I love Tracy. :D I ended up staying til close (and i got roped into working the last 15 min when it got busy) and when we go out to the parking lot he hands me a handwritten note. I feel slightly like a bitch for posting it here and I probably won't leave it up for long, but I have no idea what this shit means and Danielle isn't answering her phone so she can't help me with the boy-to-english translation. I'm thinking he'll want a response from me tomorrow so any help would be hot. Why do I have to attract the complicated boys?

 

I think I've written before that since Christmas having a conversation with him is like pulling teeth and he never wants to do anything with me anymore. We've gone to see one movie together since before Christmas and the only highlight of that was when I called him on the fact that he had had breakfast with his ex-girlfriend and was trying to hide it from me. I didn't really care and I still don't know what his reasons were for hiding it, but it was great to see the look on his face when I asked him about it. He couldn't figure out how I knew. It's because I'm not stupid, you silly boy!

 

Here is what he wrote with my comments in <>:

 

Keegan,

 

You're going to have to forgive me. It's 1:30 in the morning, and I've debated calling to leave a voicemail, but I don't want to wake you or anything.

 

This whole night rolled by uneventful; I ate cinnamon brown sugar poptarts and drank vanilla cappucino; I dialed buttons on the telephone and hung up repeatedly. Asking me to explain all this will probably result in an abstract emotional barrage of <unrecognizable word> loops, but I hope you can understand it enough to forgive me. Perhaps I'm still playing far too much off of some ongoing, unspoken dialogue between us, but I couldn't press the send button. Let's lay it out like bricks:

 

There were no other plans. <I invited him to stay with me at my aunt's and he said he had plans but would would try and get out of them. He never got back to me> I don't want to paint you black. I'm apt to. Thus, we both spent our nights alone (?) <WTF does the question mark mean? Does he think I spend the night with someone else?>

 

I figure a letter is as good a way as any of letting two silent - and probably imaginary - voices communicate. I've got nothing to offer. I would like to offer something, but I feel dry. I've examined potentials since the last time I stayed at your aunt's, examined them from lots of angles. I imagined that tint in your voice and your eye (surely I'm not subtle enough to have disguised all that). <He lost me there> I feel impotent. <That's not what I was hoping for>

 

Whatever makes an interesting story. <Mine and Danielle's philosophy of living> Dare. <It wasn't meant to be> Ah, but I've got 2 1/2 months left: I'll be gone. Really gone this time. <He's moving, but I honestly doubt he'll be gone long, but thats a whole other story Sometimes I feel like I miss you and I've never even known you. And because it hasn't happened (yet?) it's easy enough not to think about. Still, I always feel weak anymore, as if the slightest effort will break me.

 

The boy who wrote those songs is dead. In his place is a creature I dont know, waiting to emerge. What do I have if I reject that boy? Nothing charming, certainly.

 

Well, I offer this mess to you like a child offering to his mother <compairing our relationship to that of a mother and child. This can't be good> the dead bird which he found in the yard. It is quite unlike the other birds he's seen. I guess I figured it was time we had that Talk. There's a fine line between 'a comfortable pace' and stagnation due to simmering, unspoken thoughts on my behalf. So here you are.

 

My weakness, my urgency, my gaping uncertainty.

Not terribly attractive, eh?

Cheers, me.

 

What you have to understand is that I told him (so unless he thought I wasn't serious he should know) that I'm not interested in a relationship, but wouldn't say no to a friends with benefits situation. I don't have time for an actual relationship. I work 33 hrs a week and go to school full time. There isn't room in my life for much else. In fact, he's often implied that the reason we don't have anything going is because I don't have enough time for him. So why is he writing like a relationship is an option? What is this supposed to mean?

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Hey Zarcie!

 

Wow that does sound really complicated :( . I'd say that it's at least commendable of him to lay it all out there. It definitely does sound (to me) like he wants a relationship. I'm strictly guessing here but I think the main problem is that he wants something (at least semi-)serious and you want something more casual. So you both seem to be holding back and second guessing how you'd normally act to avoid leading the other person on, or getting hurt yourselves. I would guess that the only way this can be resolved (happily) is if one of you alters your expectations. Either he'll have to accept that nothing serious is going to come of this, or you'll have to decided to give the relationship thing a go. If you want my honest opinion I'd probably say don't try. I mean it sounds harsh but it's unlikely that either one of you will really change what you want, even if you say, or even think, that you have. On the other hand I'm hardly the best person to go to for relationship advice, and I tend to let more potentially good things go by than I care to remember because I'm afraid of someone getting hurt. So really I'd say follow your heart/instincts.

 

I wish you the best, and let me know how it goes.

 

Kevin

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