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Occupying Thoughts


Dabeagle

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I frequently have many thoughts running around in my head at one time. Other times, there is nothing going on, so I guess it balances. Lately, I've had a kid in my brain.

 

I mentioned him earlier, and let me give you some detail. Due to privacy laws, I will call him Adam, for the same of bringing humanity to him as opposed to calling him Child A or something. Adam is ten years old and is quite dimunitive. You might think, upon meeting him, that he is much younger than his biological age. You'd be right in the sense that emotionally he's younger.

 

His father first slept with his mother when she was 11 and he in his teens. After being 'sent away' for a time, the father re-emerged and they coupled again, this time producing Adam. Adam has four siblings, at last count. Due to his father's actions with his mother he is a registered level 2 sex offender. Adam has spent half his life in foster care and the only thing people agree on is that his parents love him - they are just incapable of taking care of him. In the foster system there is an 'Attorney for the Child' who is supposed to represent the wishes of the child. Frequently, it seems, this attorney never meets the child, yet advocates their supposed wishes.

 

There are questions about some potential sexual abuse Adam may have had in his past, due to behavior witnessed between he and one of his siblings. A test placement in the home of the mother - who lives with her parents - was broken due to the fact there are other registered sex offenders with access to the home and, thus, the kids.

 

In foster care the goal is usually 'Return to Parent' or 'Family Re-Unification'. This child has been bounced from home to home and is now hospitalized while he gets the psychological and medicinal treatment he so badly needs. He throws epic tantrums, throwing, breaking things and swearing with abandon. He does this because he's in pain. Because he's been taught he has no power in his life - as occurred with political motivations when he was disrupted from a long term placement from a woman he still asks for.

 

I visited him Friday, and he was happy in the hospital. He was playing and told me 'I have a girlfriend and she knows about it!'. On other nights he calls his foster mother and cries 'why do I have to be here? Why can't I just go on respite?'

 

Adam was the boy we had for a month that I noted previously. He is a tough kid to have, and harder to hear his sad story. His plan is still 'return to parent' because the law says, even though you're a sex offender, it doesn't stop you from having custody of your kids and the parent has a right to parent says the Supreme Court. It is a classic example of the system and society failing a child.

 

If you have free weekends and are in good health, look into being a foster parent, even if it's just for respites for the odd weekend. Kids like Adam can be tough to have full time, but when you see a kid like that in a hospital and they are happy to see you and hug you just for showing up for them...you realize you're doing some good. Maybe not world changing good, but good.

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What a heartbreaking story.  There's something seriously wrong with a system that thinks it's ok to place a child with a sex offender.  The cards are stacked against poor Adam.  Is there any chance he will be re-placed with the long-term placement he had to leave? Maybe having good people like you and your husband - even if it's just for respite care - will have a positive influence on him in the long run.  I'm sure it meant a lot to him to have you visit. 

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A law in NYS failed in 2012 that would have placed a blanket 'no' on parents having custody or unsupervised visits with their kids if they were sex offenders (I'm shrinking it down to that, there was much more language). One counter argument was that the judge's should have leeway to decide on an individual basis, since there are levels of offenders status. Unfortunately, the county seems to want to discharge - even though they have decided that family visits are two kids at a time because the 'parents can't handle them all at once'. Yes, they said that. The hospital is saying he should go back to his foster family, but they have no standing in the process.

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Many missing key facts here so it's not possible to form a balanced view. What I would say is criminalising minors when they have sex makes no sense. When this happens in UK, Social Services first strategy is to providfe appropriate support. What purpose was served sending the father to juvenile prison when the couple were set on resuming their relationship and having more children? Labelling delinquent child behaviour as "sex offenders" does not help one iota in understanding or preventing this scenario being repeated ad infinitum. Deeply depressing.

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Frequently children who are molested are at high risk to perpetuate that behavior. Since the father was a teen and the mother only 11 the first time they were together, I think there is a certain amount of sense to it. Additionally, because they were determined to continue doesn't make it right. Additionally, they have spent a great deal of time homeless, which also hasn't helped in taking care of their kids.

 

But you are, indeed, correct that there is far more to it, not all of which I listed.

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Making children who have sex criminals is not a solution. Frankly it is a further delinquent act. This time by the State. You might say two delinquencies do not make a right.

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Dave- I have a suspicion that the pure insanity you described is why there aren't more foster parents or, at least quality foster parents that aren't just looking for checks.

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James you may very well be right. I hold onto the fact I and my family is a bright spot for him and we are available to him as he gets older. Sometimes, that's all there is.

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