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The Villain, the Martyr, and the Boy who was both



I'm in a very awkward place at the moment with my mom's boyfriend. That's a lie, I'm not in an awkward place at all with him, I hate him and want him to get hit by a bus. I'm in a awkward place with my mom, because she seems happier than she has been in years, and I don't have the heart to tell her how I really feel.


So why do I dislike this man so much? I've been trying to figure it out myself a lot lately.


I'm very wierd on how I judge people. I come to very immediate snap decisions about whether I like a person or not for seemingly no reason, but eventually 9 times out of 10 I am right about the person. Perfect example. The first night I met Mr. Such and such (I'll keep his name secret even though the sick bastard should have to wear a scarlet letter) my mother, brother, and I returned home. No sooner had we walked through the door than I turned around to them and said "I do not like that man. There is something wrong with him, he is hiding something. I do not like him. He is a snake. He's a child molester. He touches little boys. And I do not like him." To which they both replied, "Shush your mouth, you're crazy, talk to him he's actually a veryhttp://www.gayauthors.org/forums/style_images/Blue-gdk/folder_rte_images/italic.gif

Italic[/i] nice man."


Less than year later this same man was caught in a FBI sting. An agent posing as a thirteen year old boy in a chat room online initiated a conversation with him and eventually invited him to meet him for something more like dessert than coffee, if you catch my drift. Not only did he show up, but he showed up with a tackle containing among other things a video camera with extra cassettes, lubricant, rope, hand cuffs, an assortment of sex toys, and enough batteries to keep them all running for a week. Condoms were conspicuously missing. Less than 6 months after those charges were brought against him he was also charged with embezzling over a hundred thousand dollars from an elderly woman that he took care of, which he reportedly used to finance at least 4 trips to hawaii, several cars, and a hot tub.


The man needless to say is scum, and I knew and thought that from the minute I met him, and I refused to budge on that no matter what anyone tried to tell me. So yes I will admit that making snap judgments about a person isn't entirely fair, but it works for me. And I've never really liked my mother's boyfriend. I've always been uncomfortable around him, and like I said, should he get hit by a bus, I'd probably show more concern for the bus. Aside from that 'gut instinct' there are alot of other smaller reasons that he grates on my very last nerve.


Am I jealous? Yes. And I'm fine with admitting that. My mother whines and complains to me that we never spend any time together, but any time she wants to spend with me she wants me to share her with him. And on several occasions she been on the wrong end of one of my 'you know what? f**K that!' attitudes. If you want to spend time with me so badly, spend it with me.


And I'm not saying my mother isn't also partly to blame. I can't help but resent her in her decision to date this man because I see her falling into the same patterns with him as when she was with my father. My father is 12 years older than my mother and in those 12 years he was alive before her developed some very very old school Italian ways of thinking. I was really excited for my mom to start dating again because this was finally her chance to date someone her own age, to fall in love with someone who wanted to share her accomplishments not resent them, to meet and be with someone who appreciated her as more than just a housekeeper with a better title.


So who does she start dating? A man who is 6 years older than my father, making him a grand total of 18 years older than her. A man who likes remind her every minute of her life that he owns his own business to combat the fact that she makes almost 40 dollars an hour. A man who is the epitome of sexism, who flat out yelled at her for shoveling her sidewalk because women should busy themselves in the house, it's a man job to do things like this outside and around the house.


My mother for the most part stopped cooking dinner for our family soon before the divorce was finalized because all of our schedules conflicted and why bother doing it for my father? Since she has been dating him, she has gone absolutely out of her way, including going to work her overnight shift without sleeping, so that she could have his dinner ready for him every single night when he gets out of work, because he wouldn't eat otherwise, and he makes a grand deal of making sure she knows that he would starve otherwise.


All I have to say about the way he acts and treats her is that thank God my mom is considerate. Because he also believes that if a man and a woman are in love they should share the same bed and he's in love with her, so they have to share a bed. Thank God my mom has better sense than to ever let him stay the night at our house, because if she goes over there, whatever out of sight out of mind, but if he even so much as tried to spend the night here I would have a heart attack and die.


He likes to treat my mom like she is some weak little damsel in distress and she is not. Try to tell him that and he laughs at our ridiculous new age way of thinking. Of course she's weak. Anything with a vagina is weak. It's in the bible.


Bible this, asshole.


I don't like the fact that he is shady business. And he is shady business. He had an affair, which led to his divorce. Shady.As.f**K. I'm sorry, but I'm tired of people going on and on about how people change and one mistake shouldn't dictate the rest of their life. Let me tell you something, you can teach an old dog new tricks, but honey he hasn't forgotten the ones he already new. Having an affair makes you shady business for the rest of your life, in a big way.


That's not to mention the fact that he was happily dating the same woman before my mother for 17 years. He meets my mom and they become friends. He's a little too friendly if you ask me, but she's married and she's not a shady bitch like he is, so she doesn't even realize he's a lecherous old man. Wouldn't you know as soon as rumors spread that she is getting a divorce, suddenly, even though absolutely nothing has changed in his relationship, and his girlfriend at the time 'started having problems.' The divorce is finalized, and wouldn't you know, suddenly (and for the record completely out of the blue) he can't be with this woman for another minute, they absolutely must break up.


Coincedence? Sure it is absolutely possible. But f**K me if that isn't just the most conveniant timing in the world for him.


I absolutely hate the fact that he played his little martyr card with me, trying to tell me that his ex wife turned his children against him while they were gtting divorced. My father tried to play that card with me when my mom dropped his ass. It didn't work for the man that gave me life, it's not going to work for your lame ass.


Stop smoking what ever drugs it is you're taking and sell it because with something that strong you could make bank. You had an affair and destroyed your family of course your children are going to resent you. And furthermore, you must think your own kids are retards if you're trying to tell me that three late teenagers are going to blindly believe every single word their mother tells them. Kids may be dumb, but they're not blind.


I do not like the way that he invites himself to family affairs. You are not a part of this family. You have been dating my mother for 4 months, maybe not even that long. And don't think that I am a retard either. It's that much nicer for you to invite yourself, because now you're invited, and who is going to uninvite you? Obviously your girlfriend won't, so it's up to one of her sons to be the bad guy and uninvite you if they really don't want you to go. And you know neither me nor my brother are going to because that's a.) that's flat out rude and b.) because our mother would be furious with us for embarassing you. So him inviting himself along has led to many an painfully tense and awkward evening spent with people we know and love but are complete strangers to him. (Although as an aside I would like to point out how much I love my godmother because when he invited himself over to their house around Christmas when we went to visit she looks at him and goes 'Rose didn't say you were coming.' 'Oh, I decided to come at the last minute.' 'You decided? On your own?' 'Yeah.' 'So she didn't even invite you and you just came? What did you just stand behind her and wait for her to unlock the door so you could get in and come?' And she has a point it, it was completely rude to them to just invite himself along because aside from making the night completely awkward for me and them because we had to tiptoe around everything he put them out by showing up unexpected and uninvited.)


And now for the actual point of this entry. In october my maternal grandparents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so my mother is making plans for all of us to go to Italy to celebrate with him, when he f**king invites himself to go along again. And I plain and simple don't want him there. It's going to be f**king awkward. I get to see my family in Italy every couple of years if I am lucky and I don't want this inconsiderate piece of trash coming along to make everything strained so that the little time I do actually get to spend with my family I can't even enjoy it.


So obviously this is the point where every logical bone in my body is telling me it only makes sense to talk to my mom about him and about how I feel about everything. What am I doing in reality? Finding every loop hole I can think of to get myself out of the situation. f**ked up? I agree. I can't even believe that I am actually going to come up with some retarded reason for my mother as to why I can't go Italy just so that I can spare her feelings and so he can go.


I wish for once my mother would have a f**K all attitude about the situation, but I know she doesn't. I know if I say anything, she'll drop him in a heart beat because me and my brother are more important to her than he is and she would rather have us be happy. But she deserves to be happy too. I'm just aggrivated (and relishing every minute that I spend acting like a spoiled little brat) that it has to come at my expense.


I realize I have no right to resent either him or her for me not going to Italy, because it's my decision. But it doesn't make it any easier and it doesn't make me like him anymore than I already don't. It's one of those odd situations where I'm both the villain and the martyr, probably more the villain. I just wish everything was different.


I'm sorry my entries are mostly worthless garbage, but I just needed to get that out.


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Worthless garbage, to me, means not serving a purpose. You needed to vent, IMO that's a purpose. :)


I try not to get a first impression when I initially meet someone; it stems from my mother always making snap judgements as well. That doesn't necessarily mean that I don't have a gut feeling about someone, its just that I try giving them the benifit of the doubt. Although in your case, I'd have probably just been polite and that's it. I'm not generally rude to others unless they give me a reason, but being polite doesn't mean I'm going to extend anything furthur in to any sort of relationship either.


Putting myself in your situation, well... I can't. At the first sign of his archaic sexist attitude, I'd have told him to basically f**k off; but then again, I'm not know to be polite to rude people. :D


Sorry to see you in a spot like this, I hope that it eventually works out on your behalf.

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I'm having a hard time seeing where you're the villain in all this. (Dunno, maybe they're really good histrionics) Your mom's dating someone you don't like, he's walking all over her, being profoundly rude (and good for your godmother for letting him have it), dragging her right back to the '40s, and making you uncomfortable.You're not obligated to like this guy at all, and I don't see the problem with some resentment because you're feeling forced to dodge a family get-together because he invites himself along. (Who's paying, anyway? Flights to Italy aren't exactly cheap, though they're not gonna break the bank or anything)


On the other hand, I think you're kinda stuck. It doesn't sound like your mom's doing anything remotely healthy with this relationship, but you can't do much about that either short of finding this guy's police record. Which does definitely suck. If you're living at home you might consider changing that, though there's all sorts of fun associated with that one. :(


Sorry to hear you've got this crap going on. You've my sympathy, for whatever that's worth.

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Hey Luigi,


I'm sorry to hear about this whole mess :( . Here's what I think though. I bet your mom wants you to go to Italy with them, and I bet your grandparents would much rather you be there than this other guy. So I'd tell you to go ahead with what your logical side was saying; talk to your mom. You don't even really have to tell her that you disapprove of the guy or the relationship. Just maybe mention that you were really looking forward to the trip because you thought it would be a great opportunity for some "family time", and you'd really rather it just be blood relatives. I know that's easier said than done, but it might be worth a shot.


Also even if you do talk to your mother specifically about how you feel abou the guy, you don't have to necessarily ask her to break it off with him. I mean if you're prepared not to say anything so that she can go along being happy, maybe you could say something. Tell her how you feel, but throw in at the end: "....so while I don't like the guy and don't approve, I want you to be happy and I'm prepared to be supportive." Basically convey that you aren't asking her to choose, you're just telling her how you feel. It'll probably still make you feel better, and might help toward making compromises.


Suggestion number two: talk to your brother about this. You didn't mention how he felt. Does he approve of this guy? Have you two talked about it at all? If he likes the guy, maybe he can point out some of his good features. If he doesn't like the guy, but is dealing with the situation fairly well, maybe he can help by explaining how. If he dislikes the guy as much as you and isn't dealing with the situation; then you've got yourself an ally. So however he feels it's probably beneficial to find out.


Anyway I hope this all works out for you and I wish you the very best. Also I do hope my suggestions aren't out of line, just my opinions :) ......anyway take care and have a really great day!



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