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Danny

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This is my first blog post... and I am writing this in the privacy of my own room, but as I type these words...as I make to life my secret...I find as though I am a warrior...a warrior in a battle between fear and triumpth. I created this online world for myself, and this is where I'll tell my lies, my secrets, but most of all, who I really am.

 

I won't give out too many details about my background and the specifics of my origin for I am too worried about the possibility of someone figuring out who I am...but I can tell you this much:

 

I am a highschool sophomore, born into a strict & conservative family.

I have one younger sister.

I play the violin

I play 3 sports: Volleyball, Basketball, and Golf

I am pretty smart I believe...

and...I am Gay.

 

That last sentence took me 5 minutes to type. I have been debating with myself for some time now...regarding this issue...am I or am I not? But I came to a conclusion last weekend...I simply asked myself...who would I rather f**K? A guy or Girl? To be so blunt might be ignorant or rash, but that is how I decided. TO me...guys are hot. The male body and form turns me on to an extreme. I wanted to do...I wanted to be with...a guy, a man...not a girl. Of course I want to get married to a woman...have 2.5 kids....and own a suburban home with a soccer mom who drives a mini-van...but I know that will never happen. Not if I like guys the way I know I do...

 

That being said...other questions spring into my mind:

Am I dispicable?

Am I a horrible person?

Am I going to be condemned to hell?

Am I a fag?

Am I queer?

 

I certainly feel like it...but I can not change that. I am gay. This is my life. I have to live with it. I have also reached a new found understanding of myself. Through this site, GA, I have been able to witness and view numerous individuals who have all turned out OK. They are great human beings and great people. Being gay is a part of who we are, but is an aspect of ourselves that does not define our WHOLE selves. That gives me a certain level of comfort. I know that with time, I can accept myself, and hopefully be able to live my life as not a lie...but as who I really am.

 

-kDiL

 

P.S. I really need some people now who can guide me...who can help me... Strangers that I do not know....who will not judge me... If you could...please comment me..I would greatly appreciate it...

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Heya kDiL!

 

I wish you a warm welcome! :D

 

I find as though I am a warrior...a warrior in a battle between fear and triumpth. I created this online world for myself, and this is where I'll tell my lies, my secrets, but most of all, who I really am.
You are a warrior and although you may think you are scared and fearful, I would encourage you to see yourself as strong and courageous. kDiL, a lot of people, and it doesn't matter whether they are gay or bisexual or straight are scared. They are scared of being real to the world incase they are rejected. So, you see, you are not alone. But you have joined GA and have made yourself a blog and you are reaching out to others for help and for comfort as well as encouragement and guidance. That in itself, is a sign of courage! And if you find yourself caught up in a war of sorts, then my advice to you is to take your time and do what you need to do. When you are ready, you can either pick your battles or walk away to protect yourself. And there is no shame in biding your time and deciding your time.

 

And one other thing or two that I would like to say kDil, is if you are only able to be honest about yourself here, then that is great. You will make lots of friends who will accept you for who you are. No one will judge you. No one will condemn you. There are people your own age who are going through similar things to you. And I think knowing that others are there to lean on and talk to about stuff, really helps.

 

Bev

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Welcome kDiL!

 

Just one thing to your post: Even with a man instead of a woman you can have 2.5 kids (adopted of course), have a nice house, a mini-van and you and your husband can alternate taking the kids to their soccer games. Beeing gay isn't somthing un-normal.

 

Tob :ph34r:

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Wouldn't even have to be adopted, necessarily, what with surrogate mothers and artificial insemination ... many things are possible, depending on what you want. You've got a lot more options than you might think (not just about having kids, about everything), certainly a lot more than you would have had 20 years ago.

 

Kitty :)

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Bev, Tob, and Kitty, thank you for your replies. I also realize that others are going through the same exact thing and my discover of GA actually puts me in a position where I can learn more about this world.

 

Obviously all of GA's members (or most...i'm sure there are some straight members) have dealt with this issue, and I am truly grateful to have a resource such as GA accomedate me in my life's journeys.

 

I'm actually very aware of other possible ways of receiving a child...and one day, i do hope that I can share that with the person (man, woman, whoever it may be) that I truly love.

 

I really do appreciate your posts...gosh...who knew being a teenager could be so hard?

 

kDiL (aka danny)

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Hey Danny :)

 

and...I am Gay.

 

That last sentence took me 5 minutes to type.

It takes many people a lifetime to be able to say that. 5 min. is pretty impressive :2thumbs:

 

That being said...other questions spring into my mind:

Am I dispicable?

No

Am I a horrible person?
of course not!
Am I going to be condemned to hell?
I don't think so
Am I a fag?

Am I queer?

not in the derogatory way those words are often used.

I certainly feel like it...but I can not change that. I am gay. This is my life. I have to live with it.

That certainly is a powerful statement of self-acceptance. Way to go. BUT try not to worry so much, in time those bad feelings can go away; not only that, but the fact that you're facing them head on while still fairly young definitely seems like a good step toward inner peace. You may find in time you wouldn't change your orientation even if you could; I wouldn't change mine.

 

You do have some stuff to work though (everyone does), but you can still live a happy life in the meantime, and you can definitely end up in a positive place!

 

I'd also like to firmly agree with what Bev, Tob, and Kitty said. This is your battle and I'm proud of you for facing it, we can't fight it for you but we'll be here with all the encouragement we can muster.

 

The "pickett fence" life has always been a dream of mine too, and like you I doubted whether or not I'd ever have it. Obviously I still don't, but I'm working on it; I've got time; and I really think I'll get there in the end. Kitty's right, there are ALOT more options available today, and alot more tolerance. Go for your dream.

 

Take care and have a great day,

Kevin

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Helloooooo kDiL!!!!!!!!

 

Congrats for 'coming out' to all of us on GA and to your new level of understanding about yourself.

 

Since you are so young, you have PLENTY of time (years) before you have to worry about your white picket fence and your 2.5 kids!!! Which as others have mentioned are 'possible'. In a state like California, you have the option of becoming registered domestic partners with your future husband :2thumbs: .

 

Enjoy your time now learning your likes and your dislikes. And go find yourself like minded or accepting friends in 'real life' who you can be open with.

 

Take Care and welcome to our 'Team',

 

Vic

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Hi Danny!

 

...as I make to life my secret...I find as though I am a warrior...a warrior in a battle between fear and triumpth. I created this online world for myself, and this is where I'll tell my lies, my secrets, but most of all, who I really am.

 

Sounds like a great opening line for a story! ;)

 

So how long have you been playing the violin?? I played the saxophone growing up and always thought that the saprano sax had the prettiest sound, but the violin is deffinately a close second. Is it difficult to learn?? I would imagine so. :)

 

As to your questions:

 

Am I dispicable? - No, to me someone who is "despicable" is someone who lies, steals, murders, rapes...overall someone who doesn't get a christmas card from me. Being a homosexual is no where near on the list. So, don't worry. :)

 

Am I going to be condemned to hell? Ha! All of us are going to hell. I don't know if I read this on this website, or if one of my friends told me this, but with all of the different "religions" floating around saying that only their followers are going to heaven, that leaves the rest of us going to hell right? So, while I say No, your not going to hell, but if you are, it's not for being a gay man, it's probably b/c you don't belong to X-religion, so you'll be visiting the rest of us good folks. ;) Don't worry, you'll be in good company. :2thumbs:

 

Am I a fag? I love this question. I looked it up on "dictionary.com". And I found that a "fag" can be termed as a "drudge who performs menial tasks for a student in a higher class"; one who "work to exhaustion; toil" and my personal favorite... "a cigarette". ;) The rest of the definations were all classified as "slang" and personally, slang is used by somone who isn't creative enough to find the correct word to use so they just make up their own. SO...I suppose that one is up to your own discression...Danny...are you a cigarette?? ;):D

 

Ok, enough of my playing, seriously...I am very glad that you joined GA. Whether or not your homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual, metrosexual or green, red or purple with white poka dots, I think you'll really like it here and everyone will realy like you, for you. :) I am a fairly new member myself, but I have found everyone to be very warm and excepting of all of my quirks. :) I hope you continue to blog b/c I'm interested in hearing more about you. Good luck, take care, and have fun. You'll only be 16 once. :D:music: So have a blast! It's good in a way that your worrying a bit now b/c by the time you need to have your life in order, you'll have things fairly well sorted out. Just don't worry to much, or else you'll be taking Prilosec for an ulcer. ;)

 

Take care and I hope your weekend was great!

 

- Kaiten

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