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This abortion is killing me.



Really, I appologize for babbling incessantly about this abortion, but it's taking a massive toll and I'd rather not post it somewhere where people whom I know personally and who might just know S. can see it.


That having been said;


I talked to S. today for a while about what she was going to do. So, I guess pills are out. She's been doing alot of research on it, and she's dicovered that the fact that you have to self administer the majority of the treatment it leaves alot of room for error. Apparently there's been a substantial amount of cases of women who insert the pills incorrectly or unhygenically (yeah, I guess they're vaginal suppositories, not oral tablets like I assumed) exposing themselves to enough bacteria that their bodies go through septic shock, which apparently 9 times out of 10 results in death. There's also evidence that some women don't pass all of the aborted fetus, it stays in the uterus where once again the dead tissue causes infections resulting in hysterectomy and death.


She also mentioned the fact that since just before she found out she ws pregnant she's had constant diarrhea. Well she talked to her doctor and discovered that constant diarrhea is not only not normal, but it could mean a myriad of things, most of which are negative, the most common seeming to be that the fetus is not growing within the uterus but rather outside of it. So she has that to think about on top of it. The pregnancy would have to be aborted immediately if that were the case considering that the fetus's chance of survival is very very low and it put the mother at astronomical risk as well.


The scariest part about this whole ordeal is that when I talked to her today, she seems to have lost some of her resolve. I'm obviously worried about the fact that she may be struggling internally with the decision, but I would be lieing if I said I wasn't a little excited that she may change her mind. I know it's her body and her choice, but I do believe that abortion is wrong, so even the small chance that she might keep the baby is a glimmer of hope. I feel awful for saying that, because like I said, it is her decision, but, I don't know. Morally it seems like the wrong thing to do no matter how much I really do believe that logically it is the right thing to do.


She was telling me that her family has a high rate of occurance for twins, especially on her mother's side, but also on her father's, so she's a little nervous about it being twins. One of the things she said to me that stuck out in my mind a little bit is that if it's twins, she's not going to do it. That seemed peculiar to me because she said the same thing about surgical abortion. She said that if she had to have a srugical abortion she wouldn't go through with it. I don't know, I realize it's only two instances but it seemed a little like she was possibly thinking of reasons why not to have the abortion.


I also noticed that when I accompanied her on a delivery, she didn't smoke. She always smokes on deliveries. She usually has one on the way there and one on the way back, never mind none at all. She still had her cigarettes on her so I doubt she's quit entirely, but once again, I find it strange that she didn't smoke at all.


There's a really good chance I am reading way to much into everything. I just need to wait it out, see what she decides, and be there for her. Oh, and if I have a minute, lock J. in his house and burn it down. Sorry that was harsh. I can't burn his house down around him, where would his family live?


On a completely unrelated and more positive note, Renee called me friday afternoon begging me to duck out of work early and go bartend at the theatre's wine and martini night since their bartender backed out last minute. Obviously I said yes, and it was very much worth it. 25 dollar shift pay for working just under an hour and a half plus 45 dollars in tips made the night worth it financially, but the real satisfaction came from the boy who they scrounged up to help me.


Hopelesslly straight, but also amazingly open minded. And cute. Did I mention cute? His mother taught at my school while I was in Highschool so we had a little bit of common ground, not to mention one of my friends who was a freshamn when he was a senior worshiped the ground that he walked on, so I at least knew of him. And having a conversation with him was like sex for the mind. Not only was he capable of holding a conversation, but he was intriguing and funny. Really funny. I asked what it was like to live in New York City for 6 years making a small fortune in real estate. He asked what it was like to give a blow job. At the end of the night he promised me that if he ever went gay, I would be the first person he called. And in the event that he never went gay, he promised to get well enough drunk to make out with me and enjoy it. I laughed. And then made him put it in writing. ;-)


And on one last and also completely unrelated note, I downloaded one of those virtual stripper programs onto my mom's computer and set it so that every 15 seconds it blares techno music while a stripper pops up on her screen and, for lack of a better phrase, shakes his money maker. She doesn't seem to find it nearly as amusing as I do.


With love, an infinitly more emotionally stable, Caipirinha.


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Hey bud-


Some years ago a close friend came to me and asked to borrow $300. He said that he was in bad trouble and that he was desperate.


I did what any good friend would do. I lent him the money.


He and his girl friend went missing for a few days and I found out that the trouble he was in was.. well, you get the picture.


I unwittingly financed an abortion and it has tortured me for years.


I was outraged and had nothing further to do with him. I didn't even want the money back.


Todd was a real cutie and his girlfriend Brandy was also quite beautiful. This happened in '89. The child, boy or girl, would have been beautiful.


That child would be 17 now. So if I act like a mother-hen to some of the kids on the board about that age, that might explain it.


This has nothing to do with the morality of abortion. As a gay man that would like to have a family, I find the waste of life appalling. My state prohibits gay adoption but allows abortion. How f***ing moral is that?


Take care in what you do. You'll have to live with it for a long time and some things can not be undone.


That little bit of hell kept me lost in a bottle for most of the 90s and I have only recently sobered up.


I keep trying to tell myself that I didn't know but I still blame myself. I should have asked more questions. I should have been paying better attention. But that's me- I saw a friend, obviously deeply troubled, asking for help. Helping was a reflex like breathing. I did it without thinking because that's who I am. It's taken me a long time to come to think that's not such a bad thing.




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Sweetie, you aren't babbling incessantly at all. This issue is really close to your heart and it's raising newer and even more confusing emotions within you. Luigi, you are doing what any good friend should be doing...supporting S the best way you can and dealing with all the struggles that supporting her brings. And at the same time, by talking about it and getting it off your chest you are trying to sort it out for you. It's when we bottle our emotions inside ourselves, we do more damage than good.


It's easy to see that you care about your friend and you want the best outcome for her. But as you and James pointed out, abortion doesn't just affect the woman involved but sometimes it affects those around her even more. And it's not just the on the one day of the surgery or procedure but for years to come as well.


So I should apologise to you. I was thinking more of S and how she is dealing with it, than how you are dealing with it. Maybe it's years of indoctrination that abortion is a 'womans' issue and men and their reactions to it, get pushed back into the shadows.


On a happier note, it sounds like you had a ball bartending. Good pay, short hours and great workmates, who could ask for more in a job?



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Guest Kitty


Luigi, :hug: .


And James, too. I'm sad that you put yourself through that.



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