I'm sorry to clutter up the blog page with blogs. My original plan was to do one a week, but I need to emergency blog! I'm sorry if it's not reader-friendly.
I pulled the trigger on the break-up sooner than I had expected, but it just kind of happened today. I just took a sleeping pill plus my benzo at the same time (don't worry, they're safe to take together) so I don't have too much time to type before Z-town, but I just need to clear my head a bit.
I know I need this break-up. The line of work I'm doing does not give me time for a relationship right now. This relationship is the best I've yet to have, but hardly a day goes by that I'm not aware that it had to end eventually. He was a good one, but he was not, and will never be the one. And it's not as if I have some idea of soulmates; I just know I couldn't spend the entirety of my life with him. In fact, I don't think I'm monogamous by nature; I will be happiest living fling to fling, I think, at least for the short- to medium-term.
But we have to live together until our lease is up March 31. That's a long time, and there's nothing for him here. I dragged him out here with me to this dump town where he had no friends, and now I'm dropping him again. I feel like I just subtracted a year and a half from his life for nothing.
And now that it's over, the good parts of the relationship bubble up in my mind: the first date when he was so insistent on paying, the time he took me away from my stressful studies by forcing me to go hiking with him, the way he was an escape for me when I first met him from a difficult roommate situation, all the gifts we gave each other, our holidays together, the way our cats love each other--I've never let go of so much at once before.
It will be tempting, over the next two months, to get back together, but I have to make sure not to. I'm not going to speak poorly about him here in detail, but I have to admit--and you'll have to take my word on it--that there were many ways in which he was a drain on me. I would be financially better off, doing better at my studies, and I think in many ways happier if I had just come out here alone in the first place.
Because he's younger than me, and because he had difficult parents, I have always felt responsible for him, and that is the force that has held the relationship together for so long. It was not romantic love; it was a weird kind of brotherly or (ew) even parental love. I am nurturing by heart. That is part of the reason I'm becoming an educator, and why I even feel bad for the Neko Atsume cats if I forget to feed them for a day. But that's no foundation for a real relationship.
In the months ahead lie the challenges of finding a new place for me to live and a way to get him and all his stuff back to Ohio. But I cannot get back together with him. I cannot I cannot I cannot I cannot I cannot. This has to be it. I am posting this to hold myself publicly accountable. The part of my brain that makes good decisions knows this is the good decision.
But aye! So many difficult things at once. Getting sober and breaking up and having to read a solid 15,000 pages for my comprehensive exams in five months, all while fascist-lite comes to power!
2017, which was morally obligated to be better than 2016, better get its shit together.