This book belongs to Cole:

2007

Standing at the airport in New York. I watched all the other people grabbing cabs, meeting with friends, or others like me excited for what new adventures this place had to offer. It was still so crazy that after only visiting once I moved here. I really had no idea what I was getting myself into. There was no going back now. I had said good bye to my life in Portland, now ahead of me stood my next chapter. Nothing was going to hold me back. It was my time.
All those years I made sure to put others first. Yes I moved to Portland because I had wanted to, but I had stayed because others wanted me there. Now that I finally made a move I had to make sure that I always enjoyed whatever it was I got myself into. There was no telling what would happen first. Would I meet someone? Would I finally make the goals I had wanted? Maybe I would find a new desire out here. I couldn’t stop smiling I just wanted to get to my new apartment and get this life started.
“Cole,” I turned to find Molly, she had decided to meet me at the airport “this is so exciting, I’m so glad that you are finally here.”
“Me too.” I was excited, but also very nervous. I had never made such a big step in my life before. I was very proud of myself, yet I was scared of what this move was really going to be like
I had flown into JFK so now we were on our long ride to our apartment. I had never been to Brooklyn before so all this was new to me, seeing the apartments that were the projects, the random subway tracks that stood above us, and all the buildings that covered the ground. I was in such amazement at this place, fear was now leaving my body. I was so excited of all the new things I knew I would be experiencing for the first time. Molly filled me in on the neighborhood, only I could barely concentrate. I was at an awe at the new scenery. To me a place like this had only existed in movies and dreams only now it was real. This was a new life, a new start for me and I was going to make it the best that I could.
“Here we are.” I looked around at the street that I would now call home. There were projects not even a block away and a lot of acetic Jewish people walking around. The building next door had a bum sleeping on the stoop, not to mention all the graffiti covering most. “I know it looks a little bad but trust me we are okay.” 
Molly showed me around the apartment it was very nice. A large living room an actual kitchen and we ironically had our own laundry room. My room was in the front which thankfully had a fire escape to go out on, which I got being a smoker and all, plus Molly didn’t want me to smoke pot in the house. Her room was on the other end good size and closed off from the rest of the apartment. Since she worked nights it made sense to give her that room. Plus the front room was the larger one so I was good. It was actually perfect for the two of us.
Once I got a little settled in it was time to hit the town and that we did. Molly took me out to the bar she was working at in Soho. It was nice a little more upscale than I was expecting, but when you know someone that works there you’re set. Here it was my first night in Manhattan and I was not having to wait in a line, I just walked right past everyone into the bar. I couldn’t lie I felt a little important even though I really wasn’t. Molly and I pretended that we were. After having a few drinks there and meeting her new work friends it was off to a new bar.
I couldn’t believe what the night life was really like here, as I stood outside having a cig watching everyone else out. People dressed up so elegant while some where dressed like trash. The people of this city were so different. I was curious at what messes I could get myself into. This night we partied as if we were on vacation and that I needed too. I didn’t have work for another week so I needed to learn my new home. It was still so hard to believe that I had actually moved here. The fact that I had done this still surprised me. It was time for me to make that change in my life.
As the next few days past I spent them settling in and walking around my block, there was so much to learn between streets and train systems. Before I really took this place by storm I needed to learn where I was. With that being said lets jump forward to a few days. I wanted to find my neighborhood gay bar, so off I went. The closest one was on Metropolitan and Lorimer, we can call it Comfort. Since I was living in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, I wanted to have places close. Now this bar wasn’t that close, but drunk Cole could still walk home. 
It turned out to be an okay gay bar. It was a very mixed crowd, some nights a lot more lesbians while some nights all hipsters. Every now and then your sexy black guy came through, but their groups never stayed very long. On the slower nights you could always find some guy that kept off to himself and I knew he was under cover. During the week the bar wasn’t too busy so people came to find their little fix. I knew about men only soon I would learn that woman too had their secrets. 
I had met this girl, my lesbian friend I call Scissor. One night the bar had been pretty busy to the point that if you found a spot at the bar you wouldn't move. That’s where I was, sitting at the bar. I could tell numerous people were getting annoyed with me there, but I didn't care. So I ordered another drink.
I turned to see a young girl, tall very skinny with long brown hair. She was an attractive girl and you could tell by her appearance she really didn't take too much time to get ready. None the less she seemed like a nice girl, and that she was.
“You here alone?”
She turned to me and smiled “Yep thought it would be a different crowd.”
“Me too.” we both looked around “how bout we drink alone together.”
“Yes.” and we cheered to that.
From that point on she and I went out as often as we could. Scissor too had just moved here from Philadelphia and was living not too far from the bar. Most nights we spent just hanging out back chain smoking, drinking, and talking. It was nice meeting someone so fast that I could see being a friend. She told me all about her life and about her many lady friends. I was now learning that sometimes women also hid their curious sides. Scissor told me most times they didn’t want to let men know they were bi, realizing that could open to doors to something else. 
She had been dating a lot since she had moved here, a lot more than me, which now I knew I needed to step it up. Scissor was now dating this girl named Penny, they had met at some lesbian thing or a party, anyways things had been getting pretty serious for her to the point they were talking about living together. “So Penny is finally coming out here tonight.” She told me one night at the bar, fast forwarding a month or so later. Penny was an older woman from England. She had moved here for work and so far had decided to stay.
“When?”
“She should be here soon.”
We sat in our normal seats at the bar had a few drinks and caught up on each other’s week. It wasn’t long till I noticed a guy standing not too far from us. He looked as if he stood a little shorter than me. He had the sweetest smile I couldn’t help but smile back. For the next few minutes we kept playing that staring and looking away real fast game. He was a very good looking man, his hair buzzed down pretty low, and from what I could see he looked to have a decent body on him, not too fit, but he did look as though he worked out some.
“You sexy bitches want a drink?”
Scissor and I turned to find Penny standing behind us “Babe,” Scissor jumped up giving her new woman a kiss “Penny this is Cole.”
We ordered more drinks as Penny told me all about herself. The two of them looked so cute together it made me want to meet someone. And that was when that guy caught my eye again, only this time he was standing all alone in a corner. I decided why not, why not go and talk to him. There was really nothing to lose.
“Hi.” I said as I walked up to him.
“Hey.” He said as his smile grew. That was when I realized how cute this guy really was. 
“I’m Cole,” I couldn’t help but notice that he was looking around the place, it was as if he were making sure no one he knew was there. “everything okay?”
“Yeah but I kind of want to get out of here.”
“Oh okay.” I was a little shocked, but what can you do? Just get another drink and move on to the next.
“Hey you want to go for a walk?” he said to me as I had turned to leave.
I stopped and smiled, okay it wasn’t me it was something else that made him want to leave and now I wanted to know. “Sure.” I went over to tell Scissor I was going to head out. She and Penny were also leaving. There was some new lesbian bar opening in the city, Penny was friends with the owner so they were off to continue their night. 
We walked around Williamsburg. I told him all about my move out here. How I had grown up in a small town and a little bit about my Portland life. He told me he was from Turkey, his family had moved out here when he was very young. He had been going to school in the city and had some real goals set for himself. Of course came the one thing I should have seen, no one knew he was gay. Well only two friends did, two he had met in college. His family and all his other friends had no idea, in fact he had just recently broken up with his girlfriend and had decided to venture out into being with men.
I didn’t realize how long we had been walking until I noticed we were in my neighborhood. Molly was working late so I decided to invite him in. Once inside he pulled me towards him softly kissing my neck, his tongue slowly licked up my face till our lips met. His kisses were hard and wet, it felt as if he was finally getting the one thing he had always dreamed of. I wasn’t sure if he had ever been with a guy, by his actions I felt this could be his first. We made our way into my room where he pushed me down onto my bed. 
The Middle Eastern stood there, let’s call him that since he was Middle Eastern, I watched as he took his clothes off exposing his decent, but very hairy body to me. So far with all the men I had been with they had little to no body hair, not that I mind body hair, I don’t, but this guy was hairy. I had always heard most Middle Eastern men were and now I found out for myself. The good thing was luckily his back was still hairless, well not his lower back which I didn’t care. I thought he was hot and I was attracted to him. He stood there looking a little nervous so to help him relax and get back into the mood I moved down taking his dick into my mouth. I used one of my hands to push his pubic hair back, it was so long and thick plus it tickled my face every time I went down. Surprisingly he had a nice dick not very long, maybe a close five inches, but it was still pretty thick. I could work with this one.
He stood there moaning and enjoying what my mouth was doing to him, he smelled pretty sweet. I was doing a very good job sucking his dick and he was letting me know. Soon he pushed me back down onto the bed and began to take my clothes off. I reached over to gather all we would need and got him ready. 
Once wrapped and lubed up he climbed on top of me throwing my legs on his shoulders. Before I could tell him to go slow he forced his way into my ass, as deep as he could. Not even a slow inch by inch push, it was a slam all the way in, making me cry out so loud in pain, but that didn’t faze him. Each time he pushed he went a little faster and harder. He watched my face the whole time he fucked me. He never slowed down just kept going the same fast pace. I tried to get him to slow down so we could really enjoy, he took that as fuck harder. I didn’t think he could go any harder than he already was. He kept me in the same position the whole time, I moaned and cried. Pain shot all over my body but the pleasure was doing its best to come through. By the way he was fucking made me feel that we were in some sort of race, a race to save the world and if he stopped for a second it could all end. 
“Oh yeah, oh, oh,” he began to moan which also meant he went faster. Now I was finally getting into it, the pain was all gone, my body was starting to tingle and I could feel his body tensing. “Oh, oh.” he called out then let out a loud “Yes” I could feel him pulsing and twitching inside of me I knew that was it. He had finished, he had gotten his right as I finally got into it. He kissed me and whispered “Thanks.” Then he got up and went to shower. 
I laid there rethinking our night. Yeah he was a nice guy, yes he was hiding his sexuality, but that didn’t mean he had to fuck me like that. It was odd when it came to a lover like him. Now I knew with females it wasn’t that easy to get them off so if that was how he fucked, how could any girl have gotten off? What I never understood was when it came to sex there were rules to this game, make sure that you please and satisfy the person you are with. If you worry about them and they worry about you then everyone gets what they need. What I was now seeing with some of these under cover or curious guys, it was all about that orgasm. 
Right after his shower he left not really saying too much but another thank you. I sat outside on my fire escape smoking a cig. I could see him walking to the train “I don’t know, it’s all weird that even in a place so big and open to anything I still met a guy that was undercover.” I was talking to Cynthia on the phone.
“Well maybe it’s just because guys can sense something about you that makes them comfortable enough to act out on their fantasies.”
“So it’s the curse, or maybe they aren’t gay and are just Colesexual.” We both laughed at my stupid comment. I knew that most of these guys were gay only they would never admit it. If he wanted to stay in the closet and just have some fun on the side then that was his life. I knew what I wanted and needed so I would just worry about me.
A couple days had passed before I heard anything from the Middle Eastern, it was a text that he sent asking me to come over, but it would have to be after midnight. Apparently he had two roommates and they had no idea he liked men. He was going to sneak me in once they both had gone to bed, which felt so high school to me, but I was horny and decided to give him another try. Maybe all I had to do was take control and show him how to really please a man. 
Since it was still early Molly and I went out to get some drinks at the bar that was around the block from our apartment, we will call it DSLR. It was a nice fancy restaurant with a great bar. We made friends with one of the bartenders there, James. He was a nice tall white dude from the south and was now living in New York. He had worked there for almost a year and was really liking it. Every time we went in he would hook us up with drinks. Maybe it was because of Molly, which he would tell me later on that he wanted to sleep with her. So instead of making things weird for them I would just drink and enjoy making new friends.
Molly had to work the late shift that night so from there she went to work. I went home to freshen up and relax. James had his break coming up and thankfully he had brought a few joints to work so he came by and smoked me out. We talked about life and goals. I learned he was living with his ex and they were still having sex, but he also had a new girlfriend that had no idea who his roommate really was. Guys had such a weird way of seeing things and how they choose to live their lives. I knew I was just as bad only I was single so I was able to live however I wanted. Now James wasn’t a bad guy he treated both girls good. Still went behind their backs meeting new girls, most men just want more pussy. 
To me a relationship is where you should have complete trust in each other and never let anyone else ever get in the way. I knew when I finally met the right guy I would show him nothing but love and respect along with only letting him have me. No matter what I had gone through with these guys I still had some hope that there was a good one out there for me. That one day I too would find the one I had always dreamed of. After seeing most of my friends find love I knew I needed to branch out and find what I was really meant for. I really had no idea if it was love or maybe I was just meant to enjoy life and make crazy memories.
I sat there waiting for the Middle Eastern to text me the okay to come over. I knew there would be nothing more than just sex so I wasn’t going to try and force anything more. It was just so weird having to sneak around just to get laid. Here I had my own place, plus I was alone, but he insisted on me going there. I didn’t have any problems with the down low part. I was more worried about how to act and what to do if I’m seen. I stopped worrying about all that. I wanted to have sex with him again, he was sexy and since the first time was a little bad I felt maybe this time around we would be better. Now we knew each other’s bodies maybe he would be able to really satisfy me and make me cry his name. 
He lived far from me so I had to take a car service there, which the distance and the spending money should have been the first sign for me not to go. Once I had finally gotten there I waited outside for twenty minutes. Every now and then I would call the car service to come get me, but they were busy so I waited. I was told not to ring the buzzer or call him, I had to text and he would come down and get me. This guy seemed to not care about any one, I now had no desire to stay and let him have me. When he finally came to the door he stood there in his boxers, he knew what to do to make me want him. He knew I wanted sex so he would tease me and make me want to stay. 
We went straight to his room. He had two locks on his bedroom door, which he locked “Sorry my roommate just went to bed.”
“Yeah well you could have just come to my place.” 
“Yeah, but I have a lot of work to do right now and really couldn’t leave, but next time,” he moved stuff off the bed and took his shorts off  “come on get naked I want to fuck.” So I did as I was told.
I lay there and he climbed on top of me putting my legs on his shoulders. Again he pushed in as hard as he could I cried out and all he did was cover my mouth with his hand. No foreplay, no kissing, not a thing, he just went straight to it. He fucked with such force and speed I couldn’t help but moan. He held his hand tight as he went on doing me the exact same way he had the first time. He fucked so hard and was going so fast I had no time to let my body relax and fall into him. I tried so hard to get into it only I couldn’t.
“Haaa,” I heard someone screaming from the next room “No, no, haa.”
“What is that?” I panicked pushing him off of me.
“It’s nothing don’t worry about it,” he said as he turned me around so I was laying on my stomach “my roommate as turrets.” He pushed my head down so my mouth was covered by his mattress then he went right back to what he was doing. I tried moaning but I could barely make a sound. He was going so fast and this time my whole body was rocking back and forth. 
I just gave in and laid there while he did his thing. It was sad to realize that a lot of people are just bad in bed. I felt after you got started your body tells the other what you want and their body should react to it too. Only this guy had no idea what he was doing, sex just wasn’t fuck as fast and hard as you can, making the other person scream and you’re doing it. He really had no clue what to do. Yes sometimes you just need a man to pin you down and take you hard. He never seemed to want to slow down to just move gently together. I was trying to understand how he felt, was this what he needed? I wondered if his ex-girlfriend liked this, so he figured everyone did. Then I wondered how many men he had actually been with because I was sure by now he would have known how to fuck a tight ass. 
He finally made some random noise and it was all over, not a word he got up wiped himself off, threw the condom away and went back to his work. He sat there naked with our sex all over him but he worked and acted as if I wasn’t even there. I laid in his bed and waited to see if he would at least help me get off, but he didn’t even look my way. It was as if he getting off gave him more inspiration for his work, so instead of finishing I just got up and left. He did walk me to the door and all I got was a “bye” Nothing else was said only that, talk about being used.
I stood outside his apartment waiting on the cab to come pick me up so it was the perfect time to fill Cynthia in on my night.
“He sucks.”  
“Yeah in all the bad ways.”
“So what are you going to do now?”
“Not see him again,” I finished the cigarette I had been smoking “if the sex were good I wouldn’t mind the sneaking but nothing about this is worth it. It’s so crazy though here I thought being in a place like New York I would meet someone, but these guys always find me.”
“Well it’s like your brother said no matter how hard you try or what you do, they will.” Cynthia was right, my brother had always made sure to remind me that these men would find their way into our lives. I would have to keep telling myself no matter what I would just live for the moment and enjoy what the world brought me, even if it were bad sex with a down low guy.
“That’s right, all these men are just for fun,” my car finally showed. I was more than ready to be home in my bed “well at least I can check a middle eastern off my list of things to do…..”