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Identity Crisis?

Thorn Wilde

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I'm sat here shivering. It's cold out, but I feel like it's not just that. I just feel really anxious.

 

I went to my mum's today, to celebrate Finland's Independence Day. We had food and champagne and watched the broadcast from the gala at the presidential palace in Helsinki. It was nice. I had planned to talk to her about my gender. About the non-binary thing. About trans-masculinity. About how I feel about myself and my body and my brain right now. And I couldn't. It just didn't ... work, somehow. I want her to see me, but I don't know how to make that happen. When I've tried to raise the subject in the past, she's just kind of ignored it. Now it's much more serious than it has been before, and I can't handle that kind of reaction again.

 

And I just got off the phone with my boyfriend. He's great. I love him a lot. He's moving here, to Norway, from England, to be with me. In like a month. 15th of January he'll be here. He'll look for a job, get a worker's permit, we'll live together ... It'll be wonderful. But he's straight. He sees me as a girl, I'm his girlfriend, and he doesn't really know how to see me any differently. We've talked a bit about it all. Months ago I asked him if he would still love me if I were a guy. If he would still want me if I had a different body. If, if, if ... And there's no real answer to those questions because you can't know until it happens. We talked about it just now, and he said he'll love me and support me no matter what, and that it's great that I want to live out my masculine side a little bit more. But I could tell from the way he was talking that he doesn't get it.

 

He's currently, as I write this, selling all his things. All of them. He's giving up his flat. He's gonna stay with a friend for the last month he's there. It's scary as shit for him, and for me. But it just got scarier for me, because I don't fucking know what I am or what's going on with me or where I'm going with this. I don't know anything. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to stay in school. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to graduate. I don't know what my fucking gender is. I don't know. And I'm terrified that if I keep going in this direction, if I am a boy, fully and truly and actually 100% a boy, he won't want to be with me anymore. And he will have uprooted his life, moved here for me, and it'll end in tears. 

 

Everything feels like a potential mistake, because I'm not sure about anything. And it scares the fuck out of me.

 

Wish someone could just hold me right now.

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I can't hold you, just offered an internet hug.  :hug::hug::hug:  Sounds like you are in a rough time right now, hang in there.

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20 minutes ago, CassieQ said:

I can't hold you, just offered an internet hug.  :hug::hug::hug:  Sounds like you are in a rough time right now, hang in there.

 

3 minutes ago, Valkyrie said:

:hug:  

 

Thanks you guys. ❤️ :hug:

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I offer you my hand in support; my arms in embrace; my hope in friendship. 

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1 minute ago, Parker Owens said:

I offer you my hand in support; my arms in embrace; my hope in friendship. 

 

Thank you, Parker. That means a lot. 

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1 minute ago, dughlas said:

I can offer a warm heartfelt hug. 

 

Thank you. :hug: 

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I'm not sure if this helps, but I had a relationship of sorts with someone I met online, on Comsie's chat actually, and it was before I actually told anyone I was transgender, so when I noticed that we were becoming pretty invested with each other, I told him the truth. 

 

Annnnnnnd

 

He was very accepting, but I am very glad I told him early on with the mindset that it might be our last conversation. 

 

If I could make a suggestion, it would be to talk to your boyfriend before he moves. He sounds like a great guy, but even the greatest people can be confused or unsure when it comes to this, and the last thing you'd want is to have everything come undone after he's there. You don't have to know your place on the gender spectrum, but he really ought to know you're struggling with it, especially if he's straight. 

 

Good luck! If I was him, I wouldn't let someone like you go. 

Edited by Arpeggio
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4 minutes ago, Arpeggio said:

I'm not sure if this helps, but I had a relationship of sorts with someone I met online, on Comsie's chat actually, and it was before I actually told anyone I was transgender, so when I noticed that we were becoming pretty invested with each other, I told him the truth. 

 

Annnnnnnd

 

He was very accepting, but I am very glad I told him early on with the mindset that it might be our last conversation. 

 

If I could make a suggestion, it would be to talk to your boyfriend before he moves. He sounds like a great guy, but even the greatest people can be confused or unsure when it comes to this, and the last thing you'd want is to have everything come undone after he's there. You don't have to know your place on the gender spectrum, but he really ought to know you're struggling with it, especially if he's straight. 

 

Good luck! If I was him, I wouldn't let someone like you go. 

 

You are just about the sweetest person on Earth, you know that?

 

I mean, we have talked about it. We are talking about it, and he still wants to come here. I mean, it's not just for me he's coming, he wants to get the hell out of dodge before Brexit comes through, and honestly he needs a fresh start cause he's been stuck in his shithole town going nowhere for thirty fucking years. Still. It's scary, you know? Especially since today I went out without my binder on, went shopping and stuff, and when I came home there was nothing I wanted more than to put it on again. Which, I've been putting it on to go out, but this is the first time I've put it on when I got home. That feels significant.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. Long distance, but still two years. And we talk every day and I have told him about all this, but I feel like everything's changing so fast don't even know who I am half the time... Sorry, stream of consciousness going on here right now. But thank you, for your advice and your thoughtfulness. I figure on here you're probably the one who understands the most clearly what I'm going through. I appreciate you.

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