I'm sat here shivering. It's cold out, but I feel like it's not just that. I just feel really anxious.
I went to my mum's today, to celebrate Finland's Independence Day. We had food and champagne and watched the broadcast from the gala at the presidential palace in Helsinki. It was nice. I had planned to talk to her about my gender. About the non-binary thing. About trans-masculinity. About how I feel about myself and my body and my brain right now. And I couldn't. It just didn't ... work, somehow. I want her to see me, but I don't know how to make that happen. When I've tried to raise the subject in the past, she's just kind of ignored it. Now it's much more serious than it has been before, and I can't handle that kind of reaction again.
And I just got off the phone with my boyfriend. He's great. I love him a lot. He's moving here, to Norway, from England, to be with me. In like a month. 15th of January he'll be here. He'll look for a job, get a worker's permit, we'll live together ... It'll be wonderful. But he's straight. He sees me as a girl, I'm his girlfriend, and he doesn't really know how to see me any differently. We've talked a bit about it all. Months ago I asked him if he would still love me if I were a guy. If he would still want me if I had a different body. If, if, if ... And there's no real answer to those questions because you can't know until it happens. We talked about it just now, and he said he'll love me and support me no matter what, and that it's great that I want to live out my masculine side a little bit more. But I could tell from the way he was talking that he doesn't get it.
He's currently, as I write this, selling all his things. All of them. He's giving up his flat. He's gonna stay with a friend for the last month he's there. It's scary as shit for him, and for me. But it just got scarier for me, because I don't fucking know what I am or what's going on with me or where I'm going with this. I don't know anything. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to stay in school. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to graduate. I don't know what my fucking gender is. I don't know. And I'm terrified that if I keep going in this direction, if I am a boy, fully and truly and actually 100% a boy, he won't want to be with me anymore. And he will have uprooted his life, moved here for me, and it'll end in tears.
Everything feels like a potential mistake, because I'm not sure about anything. And it scares the fuck out of me.
Wish someone could just hold me right now.