When I talk to people, be it online or off, I always find myself holding back. Re-thinking what I'm about to say two or three or even four times. That seed of doubt that if I'm too much myself or share too much about myself than just the basics that rejection or polite scorn will be what I get in return. I can't help it. I know it's silly. But when I can't accept myself at times, I find it impossible for anyone else too.
So far I have only three or four people as friends I feel I'm able to be near on completely open about myself with, and some what sadly, all of them are online friends. Only one of those is someone I've met recently, on these forums in fact, the others have I met through my Livejournal almost three years ago.
It's great I suppose that I have these people I can be open with. But I'd like to feel that I could share more of who I am with more than just four people. It makes making close friendships hard.
But I don't know if I'll ever get over the slightly irrational fear I have absolute rejection. I know a lot of people feel the same as I do. Everyone gets scared. But I tend to take my fear to the extremes.
There are some things, like my sexuality, that I'm totally comfortable with and don't mind letting it be known. But then I don't think my sexuality really plays much into who I am as a person. It is a small part, but not a big one.
It's a lot of the other parts of me. My interests. My beliefs. My thoughts. My feelings. What I look like. A whole number of things I won't even go into because I don't even know them all myself.
I'm just not at all comfortable with me. And I don't know if that'll ever change to a point where it won't hold me back anymore.
I'm just a lovely bowl of angst tonight it seems.