I hope everyone is having a good 2019. I’m alive, so there’s something positive to say about it.
I logged on the other day for a bit. First time in months. I tried before, but just couldn’t. I’m writing this message for those who sent private messages with concern.
I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder as a teenager. Anxiety has been my sidekick through life. Managed by meds, but it can’t always be controlled. Dealing with people, crowds, and many other things set it off. Only amplified by my blindness in certain situations.
Anxiety also has played into confidence. Doubting myself, not feeling worthy. Something which led to isolation. Self destructive behavior and harming myself.
Therapy, and lifestyle have always been what I turn to and how I coped. Along with writing, meditation. However, in dark times... Your routines just aren’t enough anymore.
The last year was rough, but I kept getting back up. A breakup I didn’t see coming, some health issues. It came to a head after taking my mothers ashes home to Connecticut and the family plot. I’ve had a tenuous relationship with my family. Always an embarrassment and never good enough. Needless to say... The trip was too much. I left early. Some things just will always be. Even with 15 years away.
The year started with increased panic attacks. So bad that it felt like a heart attack, or limbs were frozen for long periods. The worst came when I became agoraphobic. I’ve never been afraid to leave the house before. Completely debilitating. Again, the cycle of doubt, being useless... Why am I even here?
I have new meds, and things are slowly getting better. I’m leaving house for short periods. Seeing friends again.
I’ve also been told I’m dealing with Seasonal Affective Disorder this year. I would get the “Blues” in Jersey. This is a first for Vegas. It was a colder and darker Fall/Winter. We had snow multiple times. So now I’m doing light therapy daily.
Just didn’t want people to still worry. I’m slowly finding passion in things again. Things involving large crowds are a process. That includes sites with many people to interact with. It can be overwhelming and paralyzing.
Sending you all my best and deepest gratitude.