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I hate everything.




Let me start off by saying i have never spent the night with trav. Not one freaking time in the past year, since we start being "best" friends have i graced his door step. He has spent at least three weekends with me a month in the past year. He has invited me up but it never works out, might i add that he has only done it four times. Once the after the first weekend he spent with me... the second time was back after my birthday... the third time last weekend... and the forth time this weekend. I know i shouldnt be mad at him because it is his parents fault because they are always on the go... well maybe it isn't his parents fault... i don't know any more because about a month ago he had a friend come over and spend the night with him... a mutual friend Jordan. (Jordan is really hot btw) any way... he never talks to Jordan... i mean never... just on the internet on messenger every once in a while... Ok this is how close they are... They dont know if the other even has any sibblings... i know that they both do. But yeah... they are real tight i suppose *Rolls Eyes*, because trav invited him up and he some how manages getting to go. But oh well... i'm not jealous trav can have as many friends as he wants over... i'm just really hurt is all.


Any way he invited me over tonight, when he called me last night... so i said yeah sure, he said that he would talk to his mom and call me back today... he never called. So i figured that i would call him because i knew when he invited me that it wouldn't happen so i didnt get my hopes up... hell i didnt even ask my mom if i could go... so i call and he is like my dad is taking to watch a wrestling match over at our rivaling school... and i was like oh... and then he said that he would call me back. But yeah thats how it goes, no one ever calls me back... so i have decided to become anti-social... maybe when there is a weekend where he can't find anything better to do and he will have to settle on inviting me up... i hate everything.


Last night we decided to come to my house and cook and watch scary movie 1 and 2... it was fun... Brandi Brittany, and a friend that we are starting to become close to, Bree, came. Trav managed to pick up the phone around 8 to tell me that he wasn't going to come... But oh well... we still had fun, and i felt a little weird with it just being girls there... so yeah... i hate everything.


So yeah... i have decided that i wish i didnt have friends, things would be less complitcated... i wouldnt worry about what they thought or nothing... i dont care what anyone thinks, but my friends are a different story, they can say something to tare me down or something to make me have the best feeling in the world... and i hate the emotion roller coaster that i am put through... i also hate being an agnst ridden teen... i feel like i am whiney all the time and i hate whiney attention grabbing brats... i dont want to be like that... it makes me mad to think that i am one because i feel like one. I never dump my problems off on anyone because all of my friends come to me for advise on there dorry problems... if all i had to worry about is if i was gonna get a new razor phone or not would be awesome, but know i have to keep a part of who i am a secret because we live in a society of biggots who think are overly judgemental... god i really do hate everything.


last weekend when travis wanted me to come stay with him, i couldnt because his mom and dad were going somewhere the next day and they wanted to spend time with me and him and get to know me better before they ever left me and him alone together. (what the hell is up with that?) I thought it was total bull so i asked trav if they hated me and he told me and i quote "They don't hate you man. Actually, they keep telling me your are a great influence on me, that i should try and be more like you." that made me feel good, because everyones parents likes me and i especially want his parents to like me... but i still feel bad. I hate that every time he mentions me comeing up i get overly excited and then it just breaks me heart when i dont get to... last night when he asked me to come up i just about ignored it and told him to call me when he asked his mom, but i still let myself get worked up... but oh well... i hate f*cking everything. The last time i spent the night with another guy was when i was in seventh grade... and that was with my ex friend... and i hate it... i really hate everything.


i think i shall remain a hermet for the rest of the weekend, not call anyone and just ignore anyone who trys and talks to me on messenger... i feel like going into a funk... the last time i got in one was after my birthday. I had gotten mad at travis because he came to my party and didnt even say two words to me. I mean he spent the night with me and the only thing he said to me that night was... let's watch fantastic 4... and i tried talking to him but he just seemed to ignore it... i dint talk to him for three weeks... i even deleted him off of my messenger and his number from my cell phone. Took his picture out of the frame i had it in. (ok... just so you know i have pictures of me and all of my friends around the my room, one of me and brittany, one of me and brandi, and one of me and trav... so it looks like it belongs) but i forgave him just because one day out of the blue he called me and asked if i was mad at him and i cussed him out and then he appolgized and i felt two inches tall because he actually sounded hurt, and that only me made me fall for him more... and i hate it.


I really need to get over him... i have really tried really hard. I want to be over him, but my heart wont let go and it kills me... i hate it... i hate everything... i really wish that he would find some one to get together with, or just tell something... anything... i dont know... i can't stand much longer... and i can't be out... i really can't you all know why... there just has got to be something i can do... i dont want to feel... and there was a point where i didn't feel... and i want to be back there... i like it there. But this school year has brought me closer to every one and i have started to feel again... especially since i have started getting really close to trav... i just want it all to go away.


i better end... because this has become the never ending post...............................


later ~ nick :read::/



I still dont feel any better after getting all of this out... i feel weighed down <_<


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Hi Nick,


Emotional pain is a really hard thing to get through, and there really isn't a lot anyone can say to make it better. However, you will get through it, and be stronger too.


Remember that you have friends here who will listen to what you have to say, and help if they can.


Take care and cheer up!


Camy ;)

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Hey Nick,


I don't know what to say except I wish I could give you a big hug. :hug: I am very glad that you are able to talk about your thoughts in your blog. You may not feel the immediate effects of letting those feelings out, but in the long run it does help.




- Kaiten

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Hey Nick,


I'm sorry you feel bad right now :( . You know growing up I went to other people's houses almost every weekend. However, not once did I ever have anyone stay over. I was even comfortable with people chillin at my house for a couple of hours. I guess it was alot of things, one of which is that I'm a fairly "private person", another being that everything has to be "perfect" before I'm comfortable letting people see it (and who ever really has their house/room perfect?), and I think the biggest factor is that I just can't "relax" if I'm the "host" because I feel like I have to provide constant, exciting entertainment. This is all really stupid, and I've tried to work on it in the last few years. I've invited people to my apartment more, actively taken them on "the tour" the first time they come, etc. But I still can't just be spontaneous with it, I have to have alot of notice so I can make sure everything is "just right". I dunno, it's crazy, and stupid, but it's just one of the issues I need to work on. Anyway obviously I can't say what's going on with Trav, but it is possible he's just more comfortable being a guest than a host. Sure he invited Jordan, but that could have been in a fit of, "I'm going to do this! I'm going to have someone over!". Or maybe there's just several other factors in play that only he could really explain. Try not to take it too personally I'm sure he does care abouthttp://www.gayauthors.org/forums/style_images/Blue-gdk/folder_rte_images/italic.gif

Italic you quite a bit.


there just has got to be something i can do... i dont want to feel... and there was a point where i didn't feel... and i want to be back there... i like it there. But this school year has brought me closer to every one and i have started to feel again... especially since i have started getting really close to trav... i just want it all to go away.

That's life I'm afraid :( . The messed up thing is that the greater the happiness and potential a relationship has, the more it's going to hurt if something goes wrong. You can avoid a lot of that hurt if you isolate yourself from others, but you'll be missing out on ALOT of happiness, fun, and love. You'll also be inviting a different kind of hurt; loneliness. Please don't do that. It's just a part of the human condition that sometimes you have to accept the bad with the good. If you can find a way to relish the good, to truly feel and enjoy it, you'll find that it significantly out-weighs the bad (especially if you can figure out healthy and effective ways to ameliorate the intensity, and shorten the duration, of the bad.)


I wish I could just make you feel better but I can't. I can offer you all the support and encouragement I can give though. You're a teriffic person, dude, you don't deserve to miss out on the good things in life. So try to smile a little for now, it'll get better soon ;)


Take care and have a better day! :hug:



P.S. you should download "wonderful" by Everclear. It's not about everything being wonderful, it goes, "Please don't tell me everything is wonderful.", but one of the main sections is, "Some days I hate everything, everyone and everything." Anyway it's kind of a dark song but I love it and it sounds kinda appropriate for your mood. (Just don't dwell in it too long ;) )

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