Titles.  They're the worst.  I'm not good with names or titles.  Often, I'll come up with the a place holder and write a few pages to get a feel for the story before settling on something to call the story.  I'm never satisfied with my titles, either.  When I was a kid, I'd name my stories after song titles, even if the song had nothing to do with what I was writing.  I found it easier than trying to think of something catchy.  Titles should grab your reader's attention, while giving some kind of hint at the theme(s) of your story.  My problem, basically, comes down to me never really knowing what my stories are about until it's too late.

To help make sure this post doesn't ramble too much (which it probably will), I should explain my writing process, so lets start with inspiration.  I have no idea where most of my stories come from.  I know that doesn't help, but that's just how it is.  Inspiration can come from anywhere:  a song lyric, a scent, a memory, a funny thing a friend says, etc.  I spend a lot of time thinking, and sometimes, those thoughts will produce little bites or snippets that I largely dismiss; however, on occasion, they'll produce something thought provoking, something that makes my ADHD brain think, "Now, that could be something interesting."

Often, it's a line of dialogue that gets my attention.  I'm constantly running conversations in my head as means to process things in my life.  These can range from a joke a want to tell a friend or something I wish I had said during an argument.  I will take that bit of dialogue and expand upon it, going over what I would say and how I would say it, followed by the other person's reaction(s) and response(s), and I'll repeat this process until I can think of a plot in which I could set this story.  Once I have that, I'll hold onto it until I can either start writing the story or can make a note of it, usually on a notepad app on my phone.  Sometimes, like with this story, the inspiration is based (even loosely) on real events.

I was abused as a child by my father.  I won't go into details, since they're not necessarily relevant to this blog or story, but I will say that I spent a lot of time in silence, telling stories to myself, coming up with worlds where my father didn't exist, while being anything I wanted.  I started writing these stories down as a means to process the trauma I was experiencing while having an emotional outlet.  I learned to change people and events to code what I was going through, so I wouldn't get in trouble.  As I got older, I continued doing this, but I would process other things, like guilt after lashing out at a friend or a means to deal with big feelings after being hurt by other people.

Thicker Than Water is one of those stories.  I was in an abusive friendship with someone who knew how to manipulate my emotions, while also occasionally sexually assaulting me.  As a survivor of childhood abuse, I fell prey to this person's words and lies.  At one point, things ended between us, then about a year later, he used his kids to worm his way back into my life, cultivated an attachment between myself and his kids, then once he got what he wanted, he tore that relationship apart, and I haven't seen the kids since.  Needless to say, I'm still gutted by that and need to process things, hence this story.

I told him that I was going to write a story based on what he did, but I never told him I was going to publish it.  Some people might be concerned with being sued for liable or slander, but I'm not.  If he ever tried, I would be free to write the real details, which are so much worse than what I'm presenting here in this story, and have plenty of evidence to substantiate.  There's enough of reality in the story to help me remember facts and keep things consistent, but not enough for him to try anything legally.

With that said, Chapter 1 was difficult to get started.  I knew how I wanted to the story to start, which is rare feat, but I didn't know what to do with it.  Originally, the story was going to focus on the characters of Calvin, Bryan, Caleb and Diego, with the boys being very small kids, having Bryan be in second grade.  It was very close to the US version of the show Shameless.  After writing a page or two, I deleted it.  Diego was a vapid queen who was more of a caricature of a typical gay man, while trying to make Calvin come off as a sympathetic loser.  I wasn't thrilled with either of those in the slightest, as I hate stereotypes and was too pissed at the real Calvin to want to make him sympathetic.  I wanted people to know how I felt and why, and there was no way I could ever really redeem Calvin after everything he put me through.

I took the opening of the first draft and retooled it, except I made Diego more like myself and how I would react to seeing Calvin.  This scene is a mix of real events that put Calvin and his kids into my life.  Diego uses the language I would and did use.  His anger is on the same level as my own, and Calvin's reactions are very much on par with his real life counterpart.  The circumstances surrounding how Calvin in the story got the boys is pretty much the same as how the real Calvin got his kids.  The half-truths, lies, and concealing of information is exactly how the real Calvin operates, so it was easy to come up with what he'd say.  And, how Diego drags the information out of Calvin is something I had to do to the real Calvin.  The hardest part was having Diego take Calvin back and use the boys as a means to do it.  That did happen in real life, which is why it was difficult, but hindsight creates too much pain.

The ending of the chapter is loosely based on real life.  The real Calvin didn't abandon the kids in my care, but he did abandon them with their mother a year before gaining custody.  He had met a woman in Alaska and decided to be with her instead of his kids.  He told he exactly what he said to his ex-wife just before he left, "Fuck you, fuck the kids.  I don't want to have anything to do with you or them.  When they turn 18, I'll find them and tell them the truth."  Some dad, huh?  So, in the story, I didn't find it "convenient," "unrealistic" or a "deus ex machina" to have Calvin abandon the boys with Diego to move across the continent for a woman, as the that's exactly what the real Calvin did.

The reception of this chapter was welcomed with those who commented seeing what I wanted Calvin to be conveyed as.  Sometimes I don't think I do a good job with the narration, and wonder if I'm getting my point across.  I hate editing, and do it as little as possible.  I have no doubt there are errors and things I would fixate on given the change, but I just move on and hope for the best.

By this point in the writing process, I already had chapters 2 and 3 figured out, which will be discussed in detail in future posts.  For the most part, I don't write out my plots and rarely take notes, even when I should.  I let the story tell itself, and I just dictate through typing, with little editorial licensing.  I don't ever seem them as my stories, but as someone else's that I have to write down for them.  You could call it automatic writing or channeling, but I prefer to see it as transcribing events that are being told to me by the characters.

This was a scary chapter to write.  I honestly wasn't sure I was going to do it, and was even less sure that I was going to publish it.  Normally, I don't let other people read my personal stories, but I'm glad I did with this one.

See you in the next one,

John.