So...I know I still owe some people a blog about my birthday week, I'll get to that I promise just give me a little time
But yeah, I guess I'm just blogging to partly kill some time until my bf gets home, but also to get a few things out there. So...last night was a bad night for me. I went out with seb and some friends and we went drinking and dancing. And I had a good time, we both did. Anyway, after we'd been home for a little bit and seb was asleep, I was online and I started feeling pretty down, and more or less ended up spewing my guts to someone I was talking to with the result of them getting very concerned. At their suggestion (well, more like an order) I woke seb up at like 4am. I more or less had word vomit and told him all the bad feelings I had, which isn't something I do very often. I'm Ben, I'm always fine, more spring than Zebedee...but sometimes the bad feelings get a little much and they come out. In the past, well, until now really...I've always just tried to stuff those bad feelings into a box at the back of my mind, and then they'd just overflow sometimes. Obviously, this isn't a very successful plan, considering that all that last night achieved was to freak out a lot of people that I care about (and make my bf start smoking again ) so I think I need a new plan. Seb wants me to consider seeing a councillor...councellor...w/e lol. I'm seriously thinking about it because well...somethings I guess need a professional to deal with. I don't really know where these bad feelings come from, as someone reminded me, I have a good life, I should be enjoying it, and I need to figure out why part of my brain is sabotaging that. Which again is I guess where the councelor would come into it.
Also we talked about my slightly odd food obsession. He's going to be cooking more often and he thinks I should keep a food diary because I have these weird phases where I won't eat certain things and where I skip meals and I weigh myself like twice a day...I've been avoiding the issue for a while, but in all the talking last night we talked about that too. So I don't know what to do about that really, other than try and eat sensibly, I think maybe I need to read about it, because I don't want to eat bad foods, not for like the weight thing but I guess to be healthier. I think maybe if I eat healthier foods my body will appreciate the nutrients and all that...
Anyway, that's all really rambly and I guess the point of it was to say that I guess I had a bit of a wake up call, y'know like that feeling when you almost fall over but don't? But you still feel odd? Well I suppose I feel a bit like that today. I scared myself, as well as some people that I care a lot about. So, apologies to those people, even those that don't want them and more importantly many many thanks to them for making me see what I should have all along, that people care. I'm feeling a lot better though, so anyone that was worrying can worry a little less because my bf's taking care of me, and I'm letting him, and my best friend's looking out for me too...I think if I let them help me, and take a chance of some professional help I just might be ok. I'm feeling optimistic.
Take care and be good all.