I've done a lotof thinking about what happened last night on my blog, and after chatting with Kitty for hours about the conflict I had, what led up to it, and how i'm looked at by others, I've decided to reintroduce myself to everyone.

First of all, my name is Nick, and I might be the most hated member in the history of Gayauthors.org. The reason why, you ask? I can't say for sure, but I think I have a really good idea, so here goes....

There seems to be this perception about me that somehow I judge people who are different. I think the opposite is true. I've been on this site for over a year now, and I've had friends and lost friends, and one thing always comes out in every conflict I've been involved in.....I have it so good. That somehow, I live a protected life and that my family doesn't have problems, and I always end up being hated on by people who don't have it as good as people think I have it.

My first run in was with a poster who identified themselves only as "guest" They called me spoiled, arrogant, self centered and even said that my dad belonged in prison. Well, later I found out that "guest" was actually someone I considered a friend, and that the person hated my guts. When that happened, I was shocked and hurt, but I moved on.

I actually didn't have another run in for a while. I made some friends on this site, and one in particular that I really cared about and to this day I still wonder how he's doing. We would go to chat together and it always seemed like people were on his case to change and to conform..someone even told him that he needed to be more like Kurt. I thought that was rude, and he told me that it bugged him. All I could do for him was tell him not to change and that he was a great person already.

Then one night he wasn't in the chatroom, and somehow we were all talking about Columbine.....the way I remember it, someone tried to talk me into believing that the kids and teacher who were murdered that day were somehow guilty of inaction, and the next thing I knew, we were debating bullying....well, to make a long story short, I spoke my mind, the way I always have in the past. I knew I had made some people mad at me, including a couple of the GAC's that were in there who were supposed to be moderating and not taking sides. So I left that night.

Later that week, I was back in their with my friend, and a debate broke out about a girl who was beaten by her dad on camera. Someone, and I wont say who, said that it was okay for men to hit women. I said it wasnt, and the next thing I know, the people who I had ticked off earlier in the week, including one of the GAC's, all teamed up on me and tried to paint me as a sexist.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I let them get the better of me that night, and the next day, I ended up losing the friendship of someone I thought would always be my friend. It hurt, but I kept my chin up and I moved on. I knew that the others were gloating about it, but I figured that at some point they had moved on.

So then last night, almost 6 months after that incident, I posted something in my blog that was fairly random. It wasn't a personal attack on anyone in particular, but someohow it got twisted, and an angry ghost from my past came back to haunt me.

What makes me mad is that the person seemed most angry about the fact that I'm a "preppy" and he called me some pretty mean names, and I responded by telling him exactly what I thought of him and his friends in chat. I lashed out in a moment of anger, and I'm pissed at myself for that. I should have been mature enough to let it go, but I wasn't.

The thing that gets me, though, is that I seem to always be under attack for being a noncomformist. It's like I'm being blasted for being different from people who claim that they don't comform to what society and their parents want them to be. So, I'm going to break this down one time for everyone, and then I'm not going to revisit this topic.......

1. I have my own opinions. They aren't the same as yours, most likely, because they're mine. If they offend you, then you can probably imagine how I feel when I read your opinions. The difference is, I don't thnk less of you for having an opinion of your own, and I don't get mad when you express your opinion. Am I allowed the same courtesy?

2. If I have something to say about someone, no matter who it is, I'll say it. I won't talk behind your back, and I won't start rumors about you. If I think you suck, I'm going to say I think you suck, and then I'm going to say why. I'd rather be honest with you than be a snake in the grass. When I was pissed at Joe and Kitty I said I was pissed at Joe and Kitty, and then I moved on. I didn't sit back in the chatroom and talk shit behind their and Myr's backs like some people like to do. I say what I have to say and deal with the consequences.

3. I don't live in a perfect world and I don't have a perfect life. I have a lot of stress, just like everyone else here. I fight with my dad, and I struggle with my school work, and I get sick and I get worried and I bleed and I have friends that are always on my mind and people I try hard to please, just like everyone else here. Maybe I don't live in your situation, but you don't live in mine either. There's no way for anyone to understand what goes on in my life, just like I can't understand what happens in yours.

4. Coming out of the closet wasn't easy for me, and I'm sure it won't be easy for you either. I knew I was gay before I could even say what gay meant, and I know a lot of people here went through the same thing. I was scared to death when I came out to my dad, and then at school too. Being out wasn't exactly the easiest thing to do in the sixth grade, and it wasn't a walk in the park. So before you assume that I have it so good, think twice about it.

5. I know what it's like to be poor. Before we moved to Virginia, I used to have to go with my dad on his route truck because there was no way he could afford a baby sitter for me, and he worked from early in the morning to late at night, and a lot of nights, I went to bed in his truck and woke up in the morning not knowing how I got to my bed. I'm not sorry my dad worked a little harder to get us out of poverty, and I hope your family never has to struggle, and if they do, then I hope you make it out.

6. I don't judge other people all the time. Let's be 100% honest here.....everyone judges people sometimes. I know it's true because it's human nature. But I don't walk around and point fingers and make assumptions about other people's lives. Now, if I think something someone's doing is stupid, I'll say so. But then I'm judging the act, not the person. I think smokers are below average intellegence, but that's not judging them. That's saying that I've worked out in my head that they deliberately poison themselves even though they know it's going to kill them one day. So, that's what I think. Does that mean I would wish them harm? No way.

Anyway, those are just a few things I thought it was important to talk about, because after talking to Kitty and just knowing what has been said to me and even about me in the past, it's obvious that some people don't like me because of who they think I am...so, go to my custom tag right above the pope's picture today and read what it says. Then maybe, just maybe, you won't hate me so much