Have you ever asked yourself, "when will it be my time to shine?" I used to ask myself that a lot. Then a few days ago, i realized something. I realized by asking myself that question, i was contradicting everything i stood for.
I have opinions and it takes A LOT to change them. And because i have so many opinions i cant be a hypocrite; its all or nothing. I dont believe in fate, you make your own decisions and choices that lead you in life. "At a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie." I love that quote (and i found it AFTER i made my decision on fate btw), it almost perfectly describes what i feel about fate.
Anyway, back to the point. If anyone has ever asked them self that question, "when will it be my time to shine," you know that the next thing you ask yourself is "how long do i have to wait?" And THAT my friends, is where the contradictory comes into play.
After realizing that i was contradicting myself, i immediately thought about how to stop it. Then it hit me like a brick wall. MAKE IT YOUR TIME!! I know it seems obvious and so simple, but it never occurred to me that i had to make it my time. So i went to work on a plan. One that which would make me who i am, and who i will become. A plan that would change how everyone looked at me. And i think ive got it.
Nobody knows this about me, but i write poetry. I have since i was in the 5th grade. Ive become very good at it (based off of others). No one has ever read one before and it makes me shake at the thought of others reading my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions, my works. I never planned on anyone ever reading them, they are epic long poems that range anywhere from 2 stanzas to 3 pages long. Some are very eloquent and others are straight from the heart.
But not to long ago, i heard about our districts "lit mag." Its a magazine (book) that my district puts out every year, it contains poems, drawings, collages and any stories. They are sent in anonymously and are posted in the book anonymously. None of that interests me, but what does interest me is "the big spot." Its a poem or whatever that is the best out of all of them (based on a LOT of people). And its posted up in front for everyone to read. Its not some little poem on a page that everyone is going to skip by. its the big poem in the front of the book that EVERYONE reads first. I normally hear about it (whether its a poem, art doodle, or whatever) when the lit mag comes out. Its not a huge thing amongst my peers, but to the teachers its HUGE.
(And i love my English teacher btw. Shes the coolest person ever. Shes my friend and knows im smart. She thinks im the best writer in my grade. I remember i went to talk with her about a paper i wrote for social studies last year. I was complaining that i got an ok grade on it and i wanted to know how i could make it better. She said it was fine and not to worry about it again. The next day i went to social studies, my teacher told me she raised my grade on the paper because she "rethought" it. I went to my english teacher to make sure she didnt have anything to do with this, and she told me she didnt, but gave me a big wink as i left the room. I never found out if she did do anything, but im pretty sure she did.)
I know i could easily make it to the "big spot" but im still on the fence. If i do make it (i easily could) i get praised by my teachers and maybe get an offer by the poet who looks at it (its been done before) to write for him. If i dont do it, i stay to myself and feel good inside no one will know what i think.
I began to write a poem for the lit mag, but i have to start over again because i didnt like it. Im most definitely going to enter the lit mag, but im not sure if i want the big spot. It would be nice, but my poems are my own personal thoughts and feelings. i WANT to be noticed and looked at as a poet, but i dont want anyone to read them. And dont think im afraid of criticism and what other people think, i could care no less of what other people think of them. But i dont want anyone to know my opinions on certain things. And i realize that i dont have to let everyone read ALL of them, but my opinions and bias' are in EVERY poem i write. Thats why i write them, to let my opinions and beliefs come out.
IDK, i was hoping to be able to make a decision by time i got done writing this entry, but i didnt. I was hoping to have some sort of progressive thinking process while i wrote this. So much for that happening.
Anyway, idk yet. Ill figure it out sometime.
Waltzing atop the white picket fences,