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Does life really go on?


WVSailor

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Tomorrow will be the two month anniversary of my Mom's death. I'm familiar with the stages, or steps, of the grief process, but it still doesn't seem to get any easier as each day goes by. "It'll get easier with time." If I hear that again I think I'll scream! :thumbdown: Somehow at the moment that just doesn't seem to be the case at all. I keep noticing things, remembering things, HEARING things that remind me of her. If I do it, then I'm sure my Dad is also. We seem to have cornered the local market on Puffs & Kleenex at least. We're spending a lot of time crying, but unfortunately, and I guess it's a "male thing", Dad & I are doing are grieving separately. He spends his time upstairs, I spend mine downstairs in "The Cave" or "The Dungeon" as Mom affectionately called my room. The time we spend crying seems to be getting less and less, so I guess we're dealing with it slowly but surely.

 

I think the hardest thing right now is that when I lay down to go to sleep, I see my Mom in her last moments of life, and then her face after she died. I'll be the first person to admit, it creeps me the F*&^ out! Even sitting here, typing this, I'm remembering that picture <shudder>. I guess the next question is, would I, if I could, change anything? No, probably not. Even now, with the insecurities (What could I have done, if anything, better?), the nightmares, etc., I don't think I would change anything at all. She was home, where she wanted to be, with those that loved her, when she died.

 

Even at the very end, she struggled, she fought tooth and nail, to hold on. The hardest thing about that entire situation isn't the visage that I have of her body after she died, it isn't the pain that I know she was in towards the end. It was having to tell her that it was ok for her to let go, that I would take care of Daddy, and we would be ok. I so wanted to be a selfish a$$hole and beg her to hold on, to keep fighting, that she could make it, even if I knew for a fact that it wasn't the case.

 

Now, it's time to get on with "living", or at least trying to. I've quit taking IT classes. I'm not exactly sure what I want to do with my live at this point. I'm considering taking a class and getting my CDL (commercial drivers license) and hitting the road. It's a 4 week class and it seems like it would be interesting. A friend of mine (that's an author on another site) is a trucker, and he's invited me to spend a couple of weeks with him while he's on the road. I'm seriously going to do that before I take the class. The only hold-up right now are my teeth. :blink: I know, I know, it sounds odd, but I haven't been to a dentist in several years. I broke a tooth back when Mom first got ill (November 2005) and I still haven't gotten it fixed. Of course, now there are a couple of other problems. Popcorn has done my teeth in! It's my favorite "comfort food" and I've eaten quite a bit of it since Mom died. I need to invest in pop corn and Puffs/Kleenex! My appointment with the dentist isn't until February 15. Soooo, at least I have until then to scrape together the money to pay the guy. I know it's going to probably be $$expensive$$. I don't know if he's going to have to (probably) pull several, if not quite a few, of my upper and lower teeth. If that's the case, maybe I'll just tell him to yank them all and get a full upper and lower plate. It's inevitable with my genetics anyway. My biological mother had upper and lower plates at 35, my older biological sister had her upper plate by 38, both my maternal biological maternal grandparents had upper and lower plates by their mid-40's. We just have poor dental "structure". The receptionist is supposed to call me if there's any appointments prior to that (if they have any cancellations). So, it's just a matter of time now.

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I keep noticing things, remembering things, HEARING things that remind me of her. If I do it, then I'm sure my Dad is also. We seem to have cornered the local market on Puffs & Kleenex at least. We're spending a lot of time crying, but unfortunately, and I guess it's a "male thing", Dad & I are doing are grieving separately. He spends his time upstairs, I spend mine downstairs in "The Cave" or "The Dungeon" as Mom affectionately called my room.

 

Jim,

 

I might be out of line here, and if I am, you can tell me or delete my comment and I'll understand. The first thing I want to say is that I'm really sorry for your loss....I know I already said it, but I feel like I need to ]say it again.

Here's the thing: My mom died when I was 6 months old, and when I read what you talked about in your entry about things reminding you of her, I thought to myself, that's a gift in disguise. I don't really have anything like that because i don't have those memories. I guess what I'm saying is that I think you should hold on to the things and the sounds that remind you of her, because that's how she lives on even though she's not here.

I've had to rely on stories and pictures, then go find things of hers that I've seen in those pictures or heard about in those stories, to even begin to be able to relate to my moms existance. I hope I'm not being insensative, because I dont mean to. I just want you to see the beauty in the things that bring those memories on.

 

 

:hug:

Nick

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Jim,

I might be out of line here, and if I am, you can tell me or delete my comment and I'll understand. The first thing I want to say is that I'm really sorry for your loss....I know I already said it, but I feel like I need to ]say it again.

 

Nah, you aren't being out of line, or even insensitive. I appreciate you expression of condolence.

 

Here's the thing: My mom died when I was 6 months old, and when I read what you talked about in your entry about things reminding you of her, I thought to myself, that's a gift in disguise. I don't really have anything like that because i don't have those memories. I guess what I'm saying is that I think you should hold on to the things and the sounds that remind you of her, because that's how she lives on even though she's not here.

 

I absolutely CHERISH those good (and bad, like when we fought) memories that I have. The things, that I see, hear, or even feel. It's the visual image I get occasionally when I picture her just after she died, laying on her bed. I don't know if you've ever seen anyone right after they have died. It's not a pretty sight and I don't have the words to describe what it looks like. I'm sure it's different for each person that dies. Mom had lost most of her body mass. Prior to her illness, she weighed 125 pounds. In July, when she was having problems retaining fluid, her weight shot up to 189 pounds, within a month, she was down to 115 pounds. She came home and was "on hospice". She lost the ability to swallow/eat. No fluid intake, no nutrition, nothing. The only reason she was able to take morphine & ativan was they were absorbed through the skin of her mouth. She literally WASTED away right before my (and my Dad's) eyes. When she did die, I would guess that she may have weight close to 70 pounds, if that. There was nothing left of her except skin & bones. No muscle mass at all. Her skin was draped over her bones like a thin wet cotton sheet over a skeleton... you get the picture I'm sure. That is not something I care to remember.

 

I'll always remember my Mom when she was in her prime of life, but picturing in my mind's eye what became of her after she died... it's that image that I wish I could forget, because it sometimes clouds the "living" picture(s) I have of her.

 

I've had to rely on stories and pictures, then go find things of hers that I've seen in those pictures or heard about in those stories, to even begin to be able to relate to my moms existence. I hope I'm not being insensitive, because I don't mean to. I just want you to see the beauty in the things that bring those memories on.

:hug:

Nick

 

I cannot even begin to understand how it was for you to grow up and not have your Mom's presence in your life. I am so sorry that you didn't get to experience that. But at least you did, as you said, have the stories and pictures. Many are not lucky enough to have even that. I certainly count my blessings that I was adopted at 4 days old and had a wonderful "almost" 42 years of life with my Mom. After finding my biological family at age 38, and hearing the stories from my older biological sister, I don't think I could have survived. My biological mother is a recovering alcoholic, all of her husbands (yes, PLURAL) were alcoholics/drug users and most were physically/emotionally abusive to her (biological mother), my older, and two younger sisters. I was certainly BLESSED to have the loving home that I have!

 

Cherish those memories that you do have, even if they have been creating by stories & pictures. I will certainly cherish those that I have of my Mom.

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I'll always remember my Mom when she was in her prime of life, but picturing in my mind's eye what became of her after she died... it's that image that I wish I could forget, because it sometimes clouds the "living" picture(s) I have of her.

Jim, I can really relate to this.

 

While I don't know exactly how you'll resolve it, I can say that right now, how she was in her last days is still uppermost in your thoughts, because it's in the recent past. You're still very close to the event.

 

There will come a time when that part of her life is not "in your face", so to speak. Things will even out, and the good things, the 42 years you had with her, will weigh back in. The Mom you remember will be the one who was healthy and vital and happy. And I can tell from her photo that she was. Your folks look like very caring and lovely people, and I have a feeling your Mom was a lot of fun. She just radiates from that picture :) .

 

(You know, it's kind of funny ... I know you said she's your adoptive mother and not biological, but when I look at her picture, I keep thinking, yep, that's Jim's mother, I can really see the resemblance.)

 

*hug*

 

Kitty

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(You know, it's kind of funny ... I know you said she's your adoptive mother and not biological, but when I look at her picture, I keep thinking, yep, that's Jim's mother, I can really see the resemblance.)

 

*hug*

 

Kitty

 

<snicker> Well, they say that people that have dogs start resembling there pets after a while..... heh

 

Yeah, I'm being a bit smarmy.... but.... you are right. I know you didn't say it! It'll just take some TIME! :P

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