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One nickel and a lighter...part 2

The Reaper


Ugghh, as usual i REALLY dont wanna type this now, but i know i'll want to be in a few minutes. So, ive been really thinking and i dont see to much happening for me.


I mean i am really depressed right now (as usual) and i cant snap out of it. I opened my phone around 12:44 and i saw Billy's face. Yeah, Billy's face is my phone background. I really dont want to change it (although i really should). Even after my smoke (the new Camel No.9's), i still feel like shit. Im so tired and i should be sleeping right now but there is too much on my mind to sleep before i post this.


Im probably gonna get suspended tomorrow, and grounded. I had a detention a while back (the 4th one this year), and i skipped it. So i was told to make it up last thursday. I didnt go and played it off liek i was gonna go friday. And of course i didnt go to that, and being that my Assistant Principal is already pissed at me, im probably gonna get a suspension. I dont know why i skipped them, i mean i KNEW i shouldve gone but i didnt. Its not like my uncle died or anything, but i just didnt want to go. So, thats my fault but ill take the consequence.


Wow, i REALLY should have gone to those detentions. Oh my GOD why didnt go to those detentions. I mean hes gonna call my mom when im in the office and thats gonna suck either way. WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF!?!? I cant find a reason. Im so terrible, im actually monstrous and destructive (not destructive to others but more to myself). I have a TON of homework i should've done, im gonna get suspended AND i owe a total of 45 dollars which i promised id have tomorrow (that i dont have).


WHY do i do this............i honestly dont know. I mean i DO try, well thats a lie, i dont try at all. I dont do anything but call friends and skip class. I abhor school, i loathe it. High school is a joke, but i know that college is great. To badd im never gonna get there......


Im not gonna get anywhere in my life. I seriously have accepted the fact that im gonna live in california scrounging for money and working the rest of my life. I HATE Michigan with a passion and thats why im moving.


HA, its funny really. Im not moving till im 18 (even though i would go right now), but tis funny why im staying till im eighteen. One day i was talking to billy, and i told him i was going to california. He got all mad because he thought i was leaving when i turn 16 (which was my plan at the time but i never told him that). He told me it was reckless to go when im not 18, because of things like "you have a FREE education, you have a FREE home to live in, and you have two parents who love you and would do anything for you." And i told him no, im leaving when im 18 JUST for those reasons (i played along with him). So thats really why im staying till im 18, just because i didnt want to upset him. I think i promised him i wouldnt leave till i turn 18 but im not sure.


Well now, i know im gonna get bashed for this so i might as well address it. JamesSavik, Jamie, and BW have all thrown ideas at me to get myself together and take "inventory" of myself. Well, i cant say i didnt think about it. I have thought a lot about it but idk.......its just like, *sigh*..........i dont even know what to say right now. Im down in the dumps and it sounds like a good idea, but i just dont know. I think about when i first started coming to GA and idk if taking "inventory" of myself is gonna make me happy again, or just get me by.


Because thats what i want, to be happy again. Right now, the only times im happy are when im high or with my friends. And neither of those are going to last forever. Oh god, look at me....crying and all that nonsense. What is crying gonna do to help me? Nothing but make me realize more that not my life sucks, but I suck. I suck at life really, i wish i could just float away in my own little world with all my friends there to comfort me and support me and keep me secure and safe. But thats not life on earth in 2005, NO. NOW you have to get a good 4 year college degree and it sucks ass; mainly because im not suited for that. Well, i AM suited for that, but thats not where im headed. Im headed to california to live the dream of the poor boy in michigan who longs for companionship and love. But that dream is all ive got and im gonna run with it........run away to california with it...........


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