Ahh, back at the blog again. Sometimes i wonder if this is my reason to stay alive. I think, if i wasnt on GA, would i still be alive? Would i still want to die? Will i ever know whats going to happen? Am i so indecisive, that i force myself to look on the brighter side of things just so i dont have to confront my fear of death?
Ill never know the answer to any of those questions. Although it would be nice to ask a gypsy....*thinking*....no, never mind, Ians not into the third nipple thing. (greatest movie ever btw)
But seriously, ill never know what is keeping me alive. So then how do i stop it form going away? Thats another question to add to the list above, ill never know. And that is the scariest thing: knowing that you cant back out once your in it. If you face death in the face, there is no turning back. But will i have to courage to talk to deaths face and spit at it? IDK, and unless i know, i will never try to kill myself.
So theres that, this suicide isnt looking that bad right about now. I have a project due today, and i didnt do any of it./ instead, i got high yesterday with my bro Blake. I got like 4 bottles of DXM, and roughly....*estimates*....roughly 18 bowls of some GOOD black widows/perps. That shit was the best nickel bag ive ever gotten. I could tell you the koolest ass story in the world, but im gonna get kicked outta here if i mention any more drugs lol. Im still a little buzzed right now so forgive me. I made a post like an hour ago, and it was the most ghetto post ever. I felt so high, but ok im stopping now.
Im so tired right now (from yesterday). Im gonna go home later today, or sleep through all my classes.
Omg, i just wanna die already. But im so afraid of death, that i wont kill myself. Its f*ckin terrible. I hate my life, i hate my parents, i hate this school, i hate the people in this school, all my \"friends\" hate me, im a f*ckin druggie/addict, all i think about is death and music, i really wouldnt cry if my dad got hit by a car and died while im typing this, im tired right now cus of the weed yesterday, i ate so much yesterday that my stomach is hurting now, my vitamin water is empty, class is out so i wanna get my headphones so i can chill with the music while im here on GA but i dont wanna leave the room to go get them, this kid next to me is peering over my shoulder at what im typing, i told him to f*ck off and now i feel bad, im in the worst mood of my week, im not gonna get high today, im not smoking a cigarette right now, i cant find the video i want on youtube, this chick just came up and out of 56 computers she picks the one next to me, i decided i f*ckin hate her just because of this incident, this girl pissing me off, im not saying f*ck as much as id like to, f*ck f*ck f*ck this bitch next to me, i hope she burns in hell, im having murderous tendencies, i gave away one of my prized belts cus i needed the money to get high, i spent the money on cigarettes and not more weed, im a kleptomaniac, ill never have a bf again, i dont think i want a bf again, i think il need a good smack in the head right now, i owe people in australia money, the librarian behind me just wont get the f*ck away from me, i envy how so many people are satisfied with their lives, i wish i would just die in a freak accident so i dont have to kill myself, my public life is one big subterfuge, i live my life vicariously through others humor and joys in life, im not as smart as i was before i started drugs, im not at home watching tv and sleeping, im so tired that if i blinked i would fall asleep, i have to many things in this list, im hungry, im still not listening to music, i feel this list isnt long enough to be mine, i havent played a video game in over 6 months, the only reason i ever say im playing video games is to \"impress\" others if they\'re into that sorta shit, i try to hard to fit in, when i dont try to fit in it works the best, i so just wanna die already, i havent said f*ck in like eight listings, i wanna watch the movie Darkness Falls right now, Ving Rhames would die at the mercy of Sam Jackson if they ever got into a right, f*ck, i stubbed my toe the other week, i cant figure out this magic trick, i have to piss, i really just wanna have someone to hold right now, im gonna cry in a minute, this school computer is pissing em off cus it puts a slash wherever a quotation mark or apostrophe goes, i cant make you guys see how much i hate my life, f*ck a bitch makin moonshine, i wanna be drunk right now, i learned to never chase vodka with warn soda the hard way, i have no money, i need to quit smoking, i know a guy who it think is cute but id be so bad for him i think im gonna shoot myself in the foot, that kid is so nice to me....*sigh....i just dont wanna hurt him, i dont think he knows that i feel about him this way, my arm is starting to hurt, i dont have a deck of cards with me to play with, i cant remember ever starting this list of whats wrong in my life, f*ck this i hate computer, i dont wanna type any more but if i stop you wont get my point, i bet no one is even reading this, i wouldnt be surprised if i got suspended today, im such a bad kid, i have so much stress that im losing pigment in my hair, i have so much stress that i have little or no cum...yeah, f*ckin deal with it, i know this kid who is adorable and cute but im afraid im gonna end up hurting him, i had the most vivid dream last night but cant remember it, i think my dream last night was about billy...or a shark, im not high right now, i just wiped a tear from my eye, i havent said f*ck out loud all f*cking day, i wanted to watch the breakfast club last night, i had thoughts of a straight friend of mine f*cking me the other night, i wanna go home and go to bed, i really would like to meet someone who will f*ck me right now, i wanna get high as hell with this kid i know and just have at him, f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ckety f*ck f*ck f*ck, i actually said that last thing out loud, a magic dvd i want isnt coming out for another month, i think i m gonna pass out if i dont get something to eat, i just had to clear out all the red squiggly lines under my misspelled words, i misspelled \"misspelled\" on my first try, i need a shot, im getting high this week, i wish no one knew me so killing myself would be all the less painful, i wish no one knew me because im such a bad kid, i wish no one knew me that way when i die it makes it easier on them, i wish i never talked to anybody who ever tries to help me because i always seem to throw it back at them, i read a PM yesterday and thought it didnt make sense, that PM still doesnt make sense today, i hope i randomly die one of these days, i got a complaint for not posting here for four days, i wish this list of whats wrong in my life is shorter, i have all the tools to killing myself except the tool of courage to actually do it, i have to leave my computer on for two minutes to grab my headphones but i dont want to cus im afraid someones gonna read it this, i just ran and grabbed my headphones and it was scary thinking that some one else was reading this, i worry over absolutely nothing some days, sometimes ill be worrying but i dont know what im worrying about my body just acts as if its worried, i havent written a poem in forever, im to sarcastic and i overdraw everything to the point where you wonder if im even telling the truth, im a pathological liar, nothing on this list is a lie, i wish i could just die, that rhymed so now all i can think about id Dr. Seuss, im looking at this cute guys myspace, he prolly hates me for something i said the other day, that was a total and utter lie, ill bet that kid whose myspace im on actually likes me and wishes he lived closer to me, that kid will never konw that i think hes cute cus he doesnt read this (GA), i think i might die if ii dont buy more clothes in a few days, i ran to get my headphones but im not using them right now, i now know why blake is always trying to steal my kidneys, i cant pickpocket as good as i used to, candy moutain can suck my MOTHER F*CKING DICK, i have to leave now.
Well thers a good list of everything thats bad in my life. Id go one but class ended.