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Keeping his honour bright



I have strep throat. I couldn't go to school yesterday and I'm off again today. The only good thing about this is that it meant yesterday evening I could spend two hours on the phone to my boy on a school night. My heart is so big for Seb. We're very different people. I'm frankly hyper and he's frankly horizontal. He's so chilled and laid back it's unbelievable. One of the things I love about him is that if you give Seb five minutes with nothing to do then he'll sleep. He just has this wierd ability to close his eyes and drop off. For me it's perfect because those moments watching my boy are some of my happiest. But it's not the best thing about him. The best thing about him is that he's a deeply, deeply good person. A couple of weeks after we started dating we had a talk about the problems we might have being so far apart. I was trying to do the right thing by him and explain that as much as I loved him I would understand that he might meet someone else and that since I couldn't be with him I wouldn't want to stand in the way of him having some happiness.


It was one of the few times I've seen Seb angry. He had to leave the room because he was so upset. When he came back he explained himself to me and I cried like a baby. For Seb, the idea of being unfaithful is just impossible. Seb's view is that I'm his honour and he's mine. Anything he does he does thinking about what it would mean for me. He told me that he had to guard my honour and never do anything cheap because he couldn't bear for people to look at me and know that I was dishonoured. He couldn't stand for anyone to smirk at me thinking that my boy was cheating on me. I'd never thought of it that way but even then when we'd only known each other for a short time I couldn't imagine wanting anyone else. Now, you have to know that despite being modern out gay boys, Seb and I didn't become sexually intimate for quite a while. I didn't understand it quite the way he did but although I wanted him, I didn't want even a suspicion in either of our minds that we were easy, that we were sluts. I didn't have the words he did but from the start I wanted to keep my honour bright for him. Being Seb, he put that feeling into words that day and he made me so proud.


Forgive me for kvelling, but the other way we're different is that Seb's exraordinarily beautiful. OK, James made some wise comments about gay boys' body images in this blog. I totally understand. But I've never had a problem about my looks. I'm ordinary. I'm pleasingly symmetrical and I have good teeth but I'm not boy band material. I've always known that I had to be a charmer because in the looks department I'm pulling a B grade all the way. Seb is Abercrombie and Fitch material. He's tall and built and has shaggy blond hair. Women follow him down the street. And he hasn't a clue. He just has no clue that even straight men get hard just looking at him. So anyway. We were talking on the phone and surfie is telling me that he's met a girl. He's met a girl. She's really nice and smart and she's just moved to his school. He really likes her. Can you hear my teeth grind? I know I'm not being fair but I can see what he can't. We're talking major fag hag crush. How can anyone so clever be as dumb as a rock. He's talking to me and telling me all about the time they've been spending together and he just doesn't get it. Now, I'm not jealous - I know it must come over that way but I'm not. I have nothing to be jealous about or worry about because Seb will keep his honour bright. But from the way he talks it's obvious to me that this girl is falling for him. I thought about telling him but that would be wrong. After all, I'm reading all this into the situation and I could be totally wrong. I honestly don't have any ill will towards Iseult (her name) but I'm just a bit worried that without understanding that he's doing it, Seb may mislead her. The thing is that, I know I have to let them get on with it and find their own way. My boy won't do anything to hurt anyone and I truly believe that if you act with honest good intentions then somehow things will work out to increase peace and loving kindness and protect you from suffering and anxiety. I guess it's kind of obvious that I'm talking myself through this here! All will be well, and all will be well and all manner of thing will be well.


I am aware that the only thing anyone cares about in this blog is the Saga of No-no. Hell, it's more or less all I care about. So here's the next installment.


As some of you know, Noah is our non-bio. He adopted us and we're the luckiest family in the world for it. Noah hasn't been able to contact his birth family for years. We all hope that one day he will be able to but right now they're not in a position to support him and there's no way we can risk putting him in a potentially abusive situtation. He's ours now and we're his. It's total. This is our family. So...the point to this is that Noah still occasionally has trouble asking for things. My rents are great, usually we don't need to ask for anything because if it's something we need then they'll have already sorted it out for us. But...Phillip. Yesterday after dinner (can you believe all I could have was soup WITHOUT DUMPLINGS?) Noah was sitting in the living room on the land line talking to Phillip while all of us were watching TV. Now, it's not a problem of course but he was on the phone for an hour and I wasn't the only one who noticed. Why the hell was No-no on the landline? Why wasn't in his room on his mobile? That would have been more comfortable surely?


When he got off the phone Joe followed him upstairs and a few minutes later came back down looking ashamed. It turns out that Noah had used up his phone credit. He's been speaking to Phillip so much that he has no minutes left on his phone this month. Ach! It may seem trivial but Joe was pissed off because No-no hadn't felt able to ask anyone for money to buy more phone credit. Oh well. I went off to Noah's room and dragged him down the ATM and over much silly protest he let me buy him phone time.


I look at my little brother and I'm so proud of all of us. I mean all of us lgbt people. I had it easy but not all of us do but most of somehow get through and even if we're broken we keep fixing each other up and we jump right back in. And I'm proud of all my straight brothers and sisters who stand by us. I feel about all the straight boys and girls who join Gay Straight Alliances in schools or who in any way they can stand up for us and stand by us like I feel about the Righteous Among the Gentiles.

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Hey dude, I just stumbled across this entry.


All I have to say is: you're such an awesome person! And it seems like you've got a great life, I'm really happy for you :)


Take Care,


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