Stupid things people say in court

[S.L. Lewis]

This was sent to me by a friends mom. It's funny and you wonder just how dumb these people are.

 

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts', and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place

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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats an d Reeboks.

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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNE SS: My name is Susan!

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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you ac tually pass the bar exam?

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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding' me?

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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And w hat w ere you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting' laid!

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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WI TNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Is he for real Your Honor ? , I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

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ATTORNEY: Are yo u qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

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And the best for last:

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a ja r.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Tiger]

I remember that email.

[S.L. Lewis]

I remember that email.

 

It begged to be put up.

[Bandage]

Omg that's sooo funny!

 

I really cracked up

[S.L. Lewis]

Omg that's sooo funny!

 

I really cracked up

 

I loved the last one...it was just to funny. It makes me giggle still. I should use that one day...*thinks about it*

[Excuse]

I loved the last one...it was just to funny. It makes me giggle still. I should use that one day...*thinks about it*

 

On my course we have to study autopsies, this joke will totally come in useful...

and i may have to bully my friend whos studying law!

That totally cheered me up, thanks rose x

[S.L. Lewis]

On my course we have to study autopsies, this joke will totally come in useful...

and i may have to bully my friend whos studying law!

That totally cheered me up, thanks rose x

 

No problem Excuse. Like I've said, it's cute and funny and begged to be put up.

[Rakuten06]

Oh yeah! I and Robbie laughed hard during our video-chat (web-caming) convo, my ribs are so hurting *laughing*

[S.L. Lewis]

Oh yeah! I and Robbie laughed hard during our video-chat (web-caming) convo, my ribs are so hurting *laughing*

 

I'm glad you two laughed so hard. Made my day. Sorry it took me so long to answer by the way.