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All the names


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Here's another poem that I wrote recently. The text is here, as well as on eFiction. It's an odd little thing. I'd love to see what people think.

 

 

-----

 

 

ALL THE NAMES

The light comes in like this

comes in lightly, in this exact way

but lower, maybe to the left.

Light coming in like this

is light-coming-in-like-this

is the way it came in

in the memory,

lightly. The lamp here is the-lamp-here,

and there is the ceiling-up-there, significant

because it was there and you

looked at it, that spot in particular,

for a long time.

 

Like pictures at an exhibition

set up in the Louvre,

over there is longing

and that is what-came-last,

the thirteen ways to kill oneself

are the things-that-are-left.

There is a new language for the world

except me, the man over here,

the man slightly confused

because he's abruptly now nameless

not even someone-without-a-name, just

someone without a name.

Edited by corvus
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There must be a name for poetry that evokes emotion without calling directly upon it; that creates images with a breath of air rather than a pallet knife; that flows without ripples. Zen? Yes, but not quite good enough. Until someone offers a better word, zen will have to do. This poem was a wonderful way to start today.

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There must be a name for poetry that evokes emotion without calling directly upon it; that creates images with a breath of air rather than a pallet knife; that flows without ripples. Zen? Yes, but not quite good enough. Until someone offers a better word, zen will have to do. This poem was a wonderful way to start today.

 

Zen sounds like a great word for describing poetry -- I don't know of a better one either. Thanks for the feedback. :)

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Great idea to use space this way to depict a situation like this -- it's probably been done before, but probably not in conjunction with the kind of wordplay you're using, naming everything that had something to do with the other person. It's effective, and I like the way the repetition makes it song-like, a bit more so than poetry usually is. Well the poetry I read anyway, which isn't much, but yeah.

 

Very good first stanza, I like how you use light to highlight (haha...ha...) the loneliness of the speaker, it works very well. To me the weakest point is the beginning of the second stanza, because you bring in so many things that aren't connected to the other person there -- the Louvre, thirteen ways of killing oneself. You could argue that the latter is connected, but not physically like all the other stuff. The ending of the poem is brilliant though, gosh I feel so sorry for the poor guy! Anyway, I liked this poem a lot, I think you can tell. Well done. :)

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  • 3 weeks later...
Truly excellent, Corvus. :worship:

 

Your use of the hypenated/non-hypenated phrases is brilliant.

 

Conner

 

Again, thanks! The hyphenation was one of those hit-and-miss things; I'm glad it worked here. :)

 

And Billy, does that mean I'm an awful plagiarist? :blink:

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  • 1 month later...

Corvus, I love this poem!

 

It's haunting and all around beautiful. It has a very lovely flow and rhythm to it.

 

To me the weakest point is the beginning of the second stanza, because you bring in so many things that aren't connected to the other person there -- the Louvre, thirteen ways of killing oneself. You could argue that the latter is connected, but not physically like all the other stuff. The ending of the poem is brilliant though, gosh I feel so sorry for the poor guy! Anyway, I liked this poem a lot, I think you can tell. Well done. :)

I agree with Maria on these points. When I got to the part about the Louvre it somewhat broke the spell for me and made me pause and think, "what's this doing here?"

 

The ending is excellent though. For me my favourite part is pretty much the entire first Stanza, especially the first part of the first stanza. It has a great ending though, which in my opinion is one of the most essential aspects of a good poem, and it very nicely leaves the reader with a sad, aching feeling.

 

Terrific job! :great:

 

-Kevin

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Kevin -- thanks for the comments. :) The first part of the second stanza does wander, but I'm glad the ending kind of brought it back.

 

Billy -- haha didn't answer your question. Yes, I have read All the Names. It was good, but the best thing about it was the cover.

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