Just a question.....

[Benji]

Hahaha!! And you decided what??

[Tyler_4]

Well...I'm new here, this is my first post, and given the recent situation I put myself in I figured this was a good place to start posting. I recently made a new friend, he was so cool and nice and seemed to wanna talk about things in a deeper more meaningful way compared to most of my idiot brainless friends. He actually cared about other people genuinely, just like I did. Every time I saw that smile of his and his eyes brightened up my world was just a tad better than before. I was never really sure if he was straight or not. I don't know about telling if someone is or not, when i fell into being gay around 14 I shut everything down straight away. My town is a small hillbilly sort of place, i grew up almost being raised to be homophobic. It was like I just coasted through high school and into college. I knew more in college, but I never really faced it not until one day. I was walking to class, there were two guys in front of me they were really close together almost holding hands a few times. I just wondered...then they had to part ways and they kissed! Just a little kiss on the lips, short, sweet, a little 'see you later' and then they parted. I stopped right in the middle of the sidewalk for a second just kind of shocked. Then I realized I was smiling, and try s i might it wouldn't leave my face. That's what snapped me out of whatever I put myself into, that one little thing, It felt so so so right to me to see it. That's when I knew who I really was. So this is all still pretty new to me and I'm not too sure how to handle things. I kept trying to figure out if this new friend of mine was gay or not, it drove me crazy for a week. He was then he wasn't, I had no idea what I was doing(honestly I still don't). I finally decided to just tell him about me and that I liked him a bit. I thought the worst that could happen was he would just say he wasn't gay and sorry. He was a very understanding person, I figured even if it didn't work out he was really the best guy friend for me to tell first. But...that didn't work out so well, the homophobia bullcrap just swept him right up. He said he was really freaked out and that I had crossed the line wth him. I got this message from him in an e-mail: "Hey,

You freaked me out, I'm not gay by any means if you couldn't tell. I really dont wanna do this but, I think its for my best interest not to talk or be around you until your thoughts clear and you do see me like that. Because I'm not going to lie to you. I really didn't feel comfortable around you late night. I'm cool with gays and bi until they hit/think thoughts about me and then I have to do what I'm doing right now... Which I really don't like.

 

Sorry until this passes, I don't feel comfortable around when were by ourselves."

 

Before I read that I was gonna do my best to be cool, he told me he wasn't gay, ok I get it, no problem. I told him if he needs time or whatever thats ok. But after I read that message of his...I'm sorry but I was a little pissed off...I mean when I talked to him about it he says he can't even be near me?? what?? All of the sudden I become some kind of gay rapist who's gonna jump him as soon as we get alone!! Come on...I really thought he'd be more open minded, but nope...*sigh* This post is probably longer than it ought to be but oh well, I just thought this kind of fit in with what was happening to me as far as the whole 'social stigma' thing. My answer to the question? No. I don't know if there's a god or not, but I do think I'm this way for a reason. I'm also unwilling to change the person I am so much, because I believe thats what would happen. I mean, I don't even drink because I'm uncomfortable with the idea of myself changing even a little bit by my inhibitions lowering. So, I guess this is my introduction too, haha. Hi everyone!! I'm working on my own story too. Com has inspired me to write and I feel dandy about it so...blah blah blah. I'll be around I guess nice to meet everyone!

[Comicality]

Hiya, Tyler! First of all, welcome to the Cafe and to GA in general!

 

I was just touched by what you wrote here, and wanted to let you know that, despite the rough road ahead, you're on the right path, dude. I'm just sorry that it takes a few toads before you get the prince.

 

I know EXACTLY what you mean about that first time seeing two guys kiss and be ok with it. The first time I saw two guys kiss was on some cable special on homosexuality that I watched with the volume almost all the way down, and terrified because my mom was in the other room. So I kept my hand on the rmote in case I had to change the channel really fast to keep from getting caught. I just remember thinking about gay life being all about rough sex and hiding it in secret and being ashamed of it and all. And then...I saw these two guys, one of them really cute, just cuddled up on the couch, and sharing a sweet kiss between one another. Not some deep throat tongue action or anything, just an intimate moment betwen two people that loved each other. And that just....it meant EVERYTHING to me! It let me know that being gay wasn't all some rough and tumble 'prison rape' type of thing, and that it wa nothing to be scared of or ashamed of. I think I was 14 or 15 at the time, but it really changed the way I saw myself. And it helped.

 

Now...I did have a few lucky 'incidents' growing up as far as finding boys was concerned. Hehehe! But I always felt like being gay was like a cocaine habit! I thought it was wrong and screwed up and it certainly wasn't worth ruining my whole LIFE over....but DAMN if I wasn't tempted! So I occasionally 'fell off the wagon' as far as being straight was concerned. Hehehe! But I had fun. And you will too. No matter what, there are people out there who would be lucky to have you. And you'll find them in time. Once you learn to love yourself, finding love from someone else is much easier. Not EASY....but easier.

 

As for your friend....I'll just say that I NEVER got that. And you should be angry. "Gee, I'm ok with you being gay as ong as you never mention it, never think about it, and it has absolutely no impact on our life or our friendship whatsoever." What the hell kinda sense does THAT make? You know? But either he'll come around or he won't. And if he doesn't, you can do better. ((Hugz))

 

Anyway, welcome aboard, dude! Happy to have ya! And let us know when you get that story finished! We'd love to check it out!

[Tyler_4]

Wow, lol, I guess you did respond. Now I feel silly . I thought I had the thing set to give me an email alert when someone posted something new, oh well. Thanks for the welcome. Get this, I think I talked my friend out of being a homophobe!! LOL Well it wasn't all me, he had to have a bit of an open mind to even hear me out in the firs place, but I really think I got to him. I just was telling about it, and saying things like to get him to think on how it would be if you couldn't just show your affection for the person you really liked anywhere you wanted to. He said he was ok, I still think he might be a tad uncomfortable with it, but I'm working on him. He did end up asking some interesting questions though, kinda out of no where. He was asking me if I was born with it or did I become gay. I told him everything I knew about how it had been for me. I think he got it too, but to be honest, I think those questions might have been more for himself...I can't be sure though. I mean there's a reason I thought he might be gay in the first place, lol, but he didn't get that either and I had to explain a little about just how many hide so well, myself for instance, and I told him that's why I told him about myself and asking him, cause really its the only way to be absolutly sure. He's been kinda strange lately, and I think he might be wondering about himself right now, but I can't be sure and I don't wanna push him to talk about it. Waiting on stuff is the worst, but man, I really really hope he comes to some kind of revelation about himelf and turns out to be gay . What I wouldn't do for that smile of his...lol. I'll cool my jets until I figure out what's on his mind though. Thanks for the advice and everything too I appreciate it .

[Graeme]

Good luck, Tyler!

 

Don't try to read too much into his behaviour, though. If he really is gay, the next step is up to him and you shouldn't try to push. It could very well be that he's just trying to sort out in his own mind how he can be friends with you, now that he knows you're attracted to him.

 

Your story reminded me a little of something my brother-in-law said. The first time he was hit on by another guy, he was shocked and horrified, but then he realised it was a compliment and he was cool after that point. He's not gay, but it did take him some time to get used to the idea of another guy finding him attractive. Your friend may be going through the same thing. He might be concerned about what's going to happen, and how to make sure that there are lines drawn between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.

 

The fact that he's talking to you about it is a very promising start. It shows that he wants to stay friends, even after his initial negative reaction. Accept him as a friend and let him lead the relationship for a while -- give him space when he seems to want it, but otherwise just be there as you were before.

 

Good luck!