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When you're 70+

(some of the jokes that old, also)

 

 

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.  This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but,

When you’re seventy...............who cares?

 

 **********


 

I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." 

Lady Clerk:  "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?” 

I said "Nah... She's purty good  lookin'....." 

When you’re seventy..............who cares?

 

 ***********


 

I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.  She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.” 

I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.” 

Cost me a fat lip, but... 

When you’re seventy..............who cares?

 

**********


 

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. 

"Really" she said, "Go on then... Try." 

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" 

I said, "Yesterday." 

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... 

 When you’re seventy...............who cares?

 

*********


 

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. 

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. 

 When you’re seventy...............who cares?

 

**********


 

I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. 

I said, "Good legs." 

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" 

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." 

Cost me 6 more stitches, but... 

When you’re seventy...............who cares?


 

"Count your life by smiles, not tears, count your age by friends, not years, and remember

We do not quit playing because we grow old.... We grow old because we quit playing"

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OMG! This was on House, M.D. just now. :rofl:

Dr. House: "You're being poisoned."

Daily Patient: "By gum?"

Dr. House: "Sugarless gum uses Sorbitol as a sweetener. We use Sorbitol as a laxative."

Daily Patient: *spits out gum he's chewing*

 

:rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:

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Sex and Good Grammar

 

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!     

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.   The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, “This is a powerful medicine.  You take only a teaspoon and then say, 1-2-3.  When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want." 


The man thanked the old Indian and, as he walked away, he turned and asked,  "How do I stop the medicine from working?" 

 

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

 

The man was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. 

       
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3! "

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and threw off her clothes.  Then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?" 

 

         And that is why we should never end our sentences with a  preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Edited by TalonRider
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  • 2 weeks later...

The Giant Tortoise didn't receive a scientific name for over 300 years, because the specimens never arrived in Europe for classification. Due to the excellent flavor of their meat, they were always eaten by the sailors--even Charles Darwin.

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