Make us laugh!

[TalonRider]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

 

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

 

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $15,000 loan to take a holiday."

 

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

 

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he know the bank manager.

 

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

 

The frog says, "Sure, I have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch, bright pink and perfectly formed.

 

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

 

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $15,000, and he wants to use this as collateral".

 

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

 

 

 

 

(you're gonna love this)

 

 

 

(It's a real treat)

 

 

 

 

(masterpiece)

 

 

 

 

(wait for it)

 

 

 

The bank manager looks back at her and says......

 

 

 

 

"It's knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".

 

 

 

 

((You're singing it, aren't you???!!!)

[Zeoanne]

Well, at least you made me laugh like an idiot~!!! LOL!!! And... ummm, yes, I sang it! HAHAHA!!! Oh gawd! I need a life!!!

[Rilbur]

Oh, that is just so baaaaad!

[FairyTaleSkies]

 

Thinks that is funny, but I guess it would depend on whom you are

 

James

 

I found that one a while ago and thought is was hilarious, still do.

 

 

 

More cat humor...

 

 

 

And lastly:

 

Ten Peeves Dog's Have About Humans:

 

1.

Blaming your farts on me

[Nephylim]

It's dangerous to laugh this much without alcohol

[TalonRider]

You Don't Know Jack Schitt

 

Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Kneedeep Inn- Schitt. Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they produced six children.

 

Holly Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, and then two daughters: Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt. Their Final child, another son, was named Bull Schitt.

 

By and by, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. the Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt.

 

Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they're awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

 

So, you not only know Jack Schitt, but his entire family as well!

 

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

 

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

 

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

 

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

 

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

 

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

 

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

 

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

 

Sincerely,

 

Crock O. Schitt

[BlueSoxSWJ]

Alright, here's a whole boatload of jokes, in spoilers to keep the post size reasonable...

 

 

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

 

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"

 

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It will take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

 

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. However, two of them passed out and collapsed on the floor on the way in. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

 

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded with two down."

 

 

 

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.

 

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...(HONEST AND NO KIDDING):

 

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

 

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

 

3. A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

 

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

 

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

 

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

 

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

 

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

 

9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

 

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

 

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

 

12. Super glue is forever.

 

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

 

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

 

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

 

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

 

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

 

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

 

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

 

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.

 

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

 

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

 

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

 

 

 

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

 

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it would be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

 

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will immediately be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all of the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

 

Employees who don

[FairyTaleSkies]

 

 

Edited August 15, 2009 by FairyTaleSkies

[Nephylim]

Alright, here's a whole boatload of jokes, in spoilers to keep the post size reasonable...

 

 

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

 

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"

 

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It will take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

 

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. However, two of them passed out and collapsed on the floor on the way in. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

 

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded with two down."

 

 

 

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.

 

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...(HONEST AND NO KIDDING):

 

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

 

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

 

3. A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

 

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

 

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

 

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

 

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

 

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

 

9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

 

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

 

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

 

12. Super glue is forever.

 

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

 

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

 

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

 

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

 

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

 

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

 

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

 

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.

 

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

 

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

 

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

 

 

 

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

 

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it would be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

 

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will immediately be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all of the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

 

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

 

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

 

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

 

Thank you.

 

BOSS IN GENERAL

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

 

 

 

Her Side of the Story:

 

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it.

 

The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.

 

We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

 

So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.

 

 

His Side of the Story:

 

The Packers lost. Got laid though.

 

 

 

Q. What do you call an adolescent rabbit?

A. A pubic hare.

 

 

 

Three guys were out in the woods bear hunting. One of the guys says "I am going to sit by this tree".

 

Knowing the first guy was new to hunting, the other two guys say to him, "Whatever happens, don't say a single word".

 

The other two continue on and find a good spot for hunting. Just as they were about to sit down, they hear the other guy scream. They run back to the man that they left behind. When they get there the man is still sitting by the tree.

 

Confused, the two men said, "Why did you scream? We told you not to say anything no matter what happened."

 

The guy looks the other two right in the eyes and says, "When that snake crawled over my legs, I didn't scream. When that bear growled right in my face, I didn't scream. But I could hold it no longer when them two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said to each other, 'Do we eat here or take them to go?'

 

 

 

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

 

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.' And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

 

The moral of the story:

 

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks

 

 

 

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."

 

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

 

And God agreed.

 

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

 

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

 

So God agreed (sigh).

 

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

 

The Monkey said, "How boring--monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

 

And God agreed again.

 

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

 

The Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

 

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

 

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

 

 

 

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

 

Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone, at work , and ;ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter. Anyway, here's how it went.

 

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'MateMatch'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married?

Brian: "Yes."

Brian: "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay, final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up.

 

(touch tones.....ringing....)

 

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a while now. He is on the line with us. Do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Sarah: "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World, Sea World, Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm, that's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "In the ass....."

 

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break......

 

 

 

This farmer from Illinois dies and goes to hell. The devil decides that he should do manual labor in really hot conditions. So he puts him in a room where he has to move boulders all around and sets the temperature to 120 degrees.

 

After a day, the devil comes back and finds the guy happy as could be, not even sweating. So the devil is like "what's going on?" and the guy's like "I'm a farmer. I love to work, I've done harder work than this, in much hotter weather."

 

So the devil increases the temperature to 180 degrees. After a day, the devil returns. Again, the guy is happy, not sweating. So the devil is like "what's going on?" and the guy's like "I'm a farmer. I love to work, I've done harder work than this, in much hotter weather."

 

So now the devil decides to make it NEGATIVE 50 degrees. He comes back after another day to find the farmer celebrating like mad.

 

"WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU CELEBRATING???" questions the devil.

 

The farmer replies: "It's a cold day in hell - the Cubs must've won the World Series!"

 

 

 

Jon was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a larger black bear. The bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we can have sex."

 

Jon decided to bend over.

 

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge.

 

He headed out on another trip, found the black bear and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him. The big brown said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex."

 

Again thought it was better to comply.

 

Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered.

 

Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there. The grizzly said "Admit it Jon, you don't come for the hunting, do you?"

 

 

 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..... "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

 

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! I've made a specialty of babies."

 

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

 

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

 

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

 

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

 

"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

 

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know it.", Mrs. Smith said quietly.

 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

 

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

 

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,pushing to get a good look.."

 

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

 

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your,um.. equipment ?"

 

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??".

 

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

 

 

 

COMPARISON BETWEEN BILL CLINTON AND THE TITANIC:

 

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.

CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.

 

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.

CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.

 

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

 

TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.

CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.

 

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.

CLlNTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.

 

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.

 

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.

 

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.

 

TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.

CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is over 70%.

 

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen

CLINTON VIDEO: Monica... uh, never mind.

 

 

 

After many years, a Jewish mother gets the phone call she never thought she'd get from her openly gay son.

 

"Mom, I've met a wonderful girl. I'm going straight, and we're going to get married."

 

Mom is overjoyed, but can't really believe things are that good. "I suppose it's too much to ask that she's Jewish?"

 

Her son says, "Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she happens to be from a very wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family."

 

Mom is beside herself with joy, and says, "You don't know how happy you've made me. What's her name?"

 

The son says, "Monica Lewinsky."

 

Mom is silent for a moment, and then says, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you used to date?"

 

 

 

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

 

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

 

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

 

No further testing is planned.

 

 

 

From a Dilbert newsletter, in the section where Dogbert responds to letters to Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert:

 

Dear Mr. Adams,

 

I am Scoutmaster for Boy Scout Troop [deleted]. One of our Scouts is becoming an Eagle Scout and I am asking prominent people to send congratulatory letters. His name is Billy [deleted].

 

Scoutmaster

 

--

 

Dear Billy,

 

I'm sure your mother taught you to never say you don't like something unless you have tried it. And your Father probably taught you that Boy Scouts shouldn't be gay. Am I the only one who sees a contradiction here?

 

Congratulations,

Dogbert

 

 

 

ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL

Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Axes

 

Beijing

[Rilbur]

 

ROFL, talk about FAIL!

[Benji]

A guy is driving around hillbilly country in Florida and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

 

 

'You talk?' he asks.

 

 

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

 

 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

 

 

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

 

 

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. '

 

 

 

 

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running..But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting anyyoungerso I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious charactersand listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batchof medals.'

 

 

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

 

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

 

 

 

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

 

 

 

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

Edited August 23, 2009 by Benji

[BlueSoxSWJ]

 

 

 

 

[JamesSavik]

SNL Classics

 

Colon Blow

 

Gas Right

 

Bug Off!

 

Oops I Crapped My Pants

 

Eych! <<Warning, you may piss yourself

 

Tylenol BM

 

Bitch Slap Method

[paya]

SNL Classics

 

Colon Blow

 

Gas Right

 

Bug Off!

 

Oops I Crapped My Pants

 

Eych! <<Warning, you may piss yourself

 

Tylenol BM

 

Bitch Slap Method

 

it's not possible to watch them outside the U.S., can you find them on Youtube for example? Or what are they about? Some more precise caption would be helpful... :-)

[JamesSavik]

International Version

 

 

 

Opps I Crapped My Pants

 

low quality

 

 

That's all I could find

[JamesSavik]

 

 

 

 

[Drewbie]

town drunk one and last one is my fav

[JamesSavik]

[BlueSoxSWJ]

Too bad we can't embed youtube vids ....

 

"I [bleep] slowly, slowly, slowly getting faster ... once i start [bleep]ing it's very hard to stop ..."

 

edit:

Edited October 11, 2009 by BlueSoxSWJ

[KJames]

Love the one about "Hoomanz"....

[MikeL]

You never know where you will see something that amuses you. While looking up a phone number in the local directory, I noticed one page with the alphabetic index at the top reading "HOT-HUNG".

Edited September 18, 2009 by MikeL

[Rilbur]

 

In response to the image above, let me add the below item from failblog as a 'followup':

 

[Zeoanne]

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,

Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.

 

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

 

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind

their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the

women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom..

 

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now

seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

 

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation

said, 'Land Mines.'

 

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

 

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN

[Cia]

OMG, my day was getting sucky then I read this thread. You guys are hilarious! Thanks for the laughs.

 

Rilbur, I literally had to use my inhaler after your post, lol. I could not stop laughing.

[Zeoanne]

In response to the image above, let me add the below item from failblog as a 'followup':

 

 

 

OMG!! LMAO!!! Where can I buy a gorgeous bracelet like that?!?!?! HAHAHAHAHA!!!