Make us laugh!

[Valkyrie]

*snicker*  I get checked out by cute guys a lot. 

 

[MikeL]

George  Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was  going up  to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom  window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

 

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

 

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and  stealing from me.

 

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

 

George  said, "Okay."   He hung up the phone and counted to 30.Then he phoned the police again.

 

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't  have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both;  the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

 

Within  five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter,  two Fire  trucks, and an Ambulance  showed up at the Phillips'  residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

 

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot  them!"

 

George  said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Edited June 16, 2015 by MikeL

[JamesSavik]

 

4 the comic book geeks

[Daddydavek]

Here is a quintet of talented young guys who really know how to blow......

 

 

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/NkbZlautuUc?rel=0

Edited June 17, 2015 by Daddydavek

[JamesSavik]

 

[MikeL]

A distraught senior citizen  
phoned her doctor's
office.  

"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication  
you prescribed has to be taken  
for the rest of my life?"  

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor  
told her.

 
There was a moment of silence  
before the senior lady replied,  
"I'm wondering, then,  
just how serious is my condition  
because this prescription is  
marked   'NO REFILLS'.."

[Drew Espinosa]

More Math Jokes!

 

 xD xD xD

 

 You all are!

 

  Yeah... it's corny, sue me!

 

  :rofl:

 

 It's one of those mathematical quirks...

[Daddydavek]

A man was involved in an auto accident.

A policeman ran up to the car and asked, "Are you seriously injured?"

The man said, "How should I know? I'm a doctor not a lawyer."

[MikeL]

An older gentleman was
on the operating table  
awaiting surgery  
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.

As he was about to get the
anesthesia, he asked to speak
to his son.

"Yes, Dad , what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best,
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."

[MikeL]

Aging:  
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your  
age and start bragging about it.  

This is so true.  
I love   to hear them say  
"you don't look that old."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The older we get,
the fewer things  
seem worth waiting in line for.  
(Mostly because we forgot why we
were waiting in line in the first place!

[MikeL]

Some people
try to turn back their odometers.  

Not me!  
I want people to know why  
I look this way.  
I've traveled a long way  
and some of the roads weren't  
paved.

[JamesSavik]

[MikeL]

First you forget names,  
then you forget faces.  
Then you forget to pull up  
your zipper...it's worse when  
you forget to pull it down.

[JamesSavik]

 

A/C dies when its near 100 degrees

[MikeL]

Two guys, one old, one young,  
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart  
when they collide.  
The old guy says to the young guy,  
"Sorry about that. I'm
looking for my wife,   and I guess I  
wasn't paying attention  
to where I was going."  

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a  
coincidence.  
I'm looking for my wife, too...  
I can't find her and I'm getting a little  
desperate."  

The old guy says,
"Well, maybe I can help you find her...  
what does she look like?"  
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,  
with red hair,  
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,  
long legs,   and is
wearing short shorts.  
What does your wife look like?'  

To which the old guy says, "Doesn't  
matter, let's look for yours." 

[Drew Espinosa]

More Math Jokes!!! :D

 

 Oh! So this is the reason why Math is Hell!

 Who knew math could be so philosophical?

 Any excuse to not do our homework!

 I must be a nerd! Eh... it must be a Law of Physics!

 

Why Nerds are virgins: Math always comes first!   :rofl:

Edited June 24, 2015 by Drew Espinosa

[Palantir]

LOL - Thanks Drew. This last lot are brilliant.

More, More, More, please.

[Daddydavek]

Now for something in a completely different vein.

 

 

[Greg_A]

Now for something in a completely different vein.

 

 

Not totally accurate where I work - but only because Management put the employee one underground so they wouldn't have to climb a ladder.....

[Valkyrie]

[Daddydavek]

Somehow, I believe it.....

[JamesSavik]

Q. What do they teach at a cow college?

 

 

A. Cow-culus.

 

 

 

 

 

Don't forget your cow-culator!

 

 

PS- blame Drew. He started the math jokes.

Edited June 26, 2015 by jamessavik

[MikeL]

Apparently no one proofread these headlines:

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

[Drew Espinosa]

PS- blame Drew. He started the math jokes.

Moi? Surely others have posted math jokes before me! :P

 

Besides, I am not only about Math! I'll prove It!

 

SCIENCE JOKE:

 Well at least he knows the name!

 

GRAMMAR JOKE:

 Enough said,  :rofl:

LITERATURE JOKE:

 Thought you had escaped Math?  Bwahahaha!!!

Edited June 27, 2015 by Drew Espinosa

[JamesSavik]

 

Burn baby burn!