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jamessavik

Spotting the red flags of abusive relationships

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Occasionally a story will come along that goes beyond just being good and becomes important. Dabegle's Everything's Jake is one of those stories. It rather graphically illustrates how gay teens and young adults can wake up and find themselves in abusive relationships. It also shows the danger signs that you are heading into an abusive relationship. Learn them because you need to protect yourself from this.

No one that I've ever met just decides one day hot damn, where can I find someone to abuse me every day? Abusive relationships happen to gay and straight young people every day and none of them are looking for it.

There is an old story about how you boil a frog. If you put him in water, he'll stay in it. Then you turn the heat up and he won't jump out. That's how abusive relationships work. They are a seduction. Everything looks fine and then things take subtle turns. You start excusing things, making excuses and blaming yourself. Before long, you are living in hell and wondering what happened.

Who is at risk?

If you were abused as a child or teen, you are at higher risk for abusive relationships than anyone else. Certain personality characteristics put you at risk: insecurity, inferiority and immaturity all play a part.

What is an abuser?

Abusers are a sort of predator. They look for people that they can dominate and manipulate. They use all sorts of tools to do it: emotionally, sexually and even use physical force to control. They are often very macho and controlling. They typically have a hot temper and will be quick to slap, punch and use very rough sex to enforce compliance with his rule.

Why do people stay?

Sometimes the abuser will make his victim completely dependent on them for a place to live, job, transportation and food. The victim can become so controlled by fear, intimidation and/or their own basic insecurity that they will put up with damn near anything.


How do you spot abusive behaviors?

This is why this story is so instructive. Paul's behavior illustrates the controlling nature of abusers to a tee. Here are a few bright red flags to look out for.

 

Abusers isolate you from family and friends.


I made the mistake once of telling Paul it would be nice to invite Connor over sometime to see our apartment. He went crazy, I was so scared the he was really going to hurt me. He swore up and down I was cheating with Connor and that I was planning to leave him when he had so much pressure on him.


Abusers abuse you and make you think it's your fault.


He'd usually hit me a few times then. He'd always apologize after, tell me how much he really loved me and, like a fool, I'd believe him. He really does love me, I just have to try a little harder is all, to understand him.


Abusers cheat and then they are insanely jealous. All to often they don't even acknowledge your relationship.


After graduation I moved in with Paul. He still wasn't really out, he told everyone I was his roommate and he still went out with the occasional girl. I stayed at the little apartment and tried not to let it make me miserable, but it did. The thing that, well, not that it hurt me the most but maybe the most unfair thing about our relationship was that he was so jealous. I mean, here he was running around with all these sluts and then he'd come home and accuse me of cheating.


They will use you.


His studies are a lot of pressure, and one I don't have. He pointed out I wasn't a great student and it would be more practical if I got a job to help pay for things while he got an education.


Abusers use sex to reward and punish.


I wept quietly, rolling away from him so he wouldn't see. He didn't like it when I cried. He came back to me a little while later, said he was sorry and told me how much he loved me. We had another violent lovemaking session and once more, he came and I didn't.


Your needs never come first.

Any discussion is rebellion and is quashed.

They belittle you and make you feel incompetent.

The people at my office were all older and more experienced. They said I could go to school and if it was for a subject related to my job they'd pay for it, so I rushed home to tell Paul. He slapped me to the ground.

“Are you really that dumb?” He stood over me, voice low and menacing. Dangerous.

“But Paul...they said if...”

“You really are that dumb.” He sneered and pushed me with the toe of his shoe, “You know you aren't smart, we all know that. But here you go thinking you should be in school. We talked about this, right now I go to school. We don't make enough for you to go too, and not only that you stupid fuck,” he kicked me in the ribs, “If you don't get good grades, they don't pay for it. You have to pay up front, they reimburse you. So if you fuck up in class, which you will, we get stuck with a big fucking bill!”

 

 

The problem with abusive relationships is that they only get worse.

Cops see this crap everyday and hate it. They get called out to the same house or apartment break up a fight where someone is obviously being abused and the victim keeps going back until they end up in the hospital or the morgue.

You have to look out for crap like this. No one WANTS an abusive relationship but there are warning signs if you are honest enough to look out for them.

You have the power to make it stop but you might not even realize it.

All you have to do is WALK AWAY.

It might be difficult. You might have to start over in a lot of ways.

It's worth it. The longer you stay in an abusive relation, the more damage it will do to your self image and self confidence- exactly the things you will need to stand up for yourself.

 

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Sometimes, being gay (of any queer nature), we're most likely thinking...no one will love me like so-and-so will...so we stay, hoping that our needs are met. I used to think that I was selfish, that I had so many wants. I think, the wants were actually needs.

 

The social aspect of any relationship, those are your needs, not just your wants. We can be lonely creatures, and sometimes it's fine with alone time, but we can't entirely isolate ourselves from the world. Just plain cruel. Whether emotional or physical, it's still abuse. Ultimately, it's our choice to move away and pursue happiness in a more healthier light.

 

THERE WILL BE SOMEONE OUT THERE FOR ME. WE WILL CONNECT. Believe. Be strong. Thanks for posting!

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James,

 

Thanks for shining a spotlight on this story. I think its worth a read by everyone and with the Younglings in particular.

 

I'll be interested to see what psychological abuse the abusive character does. That is often the most powerful of the attacks.

 

My abuser never laid a hand on me, but she enthralled me to her will with guilt, confidence errosion and threats of suicide. She abused my good nature and my love to satisfy her depression addled needs. She made me enable her to continue a downward spiral that took us both down in to the pit. Alas, I only found freedom when she passed away of COPD. She was my mom.

 

This kind of attack is passive-aggresive and always comes with a 'what are you doing to me' attitude on the abusers part. 

Its kind of like the old Jewish Mother joke, but its much subtler than that. 

 

If you ever find yourself questioning your own worth, or you consider yourself a terrible person constantly although you have never done anything to give anyone reason to think that of you, you may need to talk to someone.  They need to be someone outside of your bonded relationship with the person causing you to feel this way. A Councelor or Therapist would be ideal, but also a friend who might be 'worried about you'. They see things that you won't see because you will have been blinded to them by your abuser. It is difficult, because just like the physical abuser, the emotional abuser will try to isolate you. That will acutally be the first thing they do. I talked to my doctor and she hooked me into Therapy so that the damage done could be reversed. It has worked wonders as I am no longer lost and suicidal.

Just remember that you are a person too and you deserve a chance to be happy! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Don't let anyone have that kind of power over who you are, no matter what their relationship to you is.

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I stumbled onto this thread and immediatly went the story as James has never led me astray with his recomendations.  I have to whole heartedly agree with his views and those of the others that have posted here.  Abuse and self demeaning are very dificult things to get a handle on and understand.  I have never been abused, but I have hidden in the closet my whole life and have felt the effect of self blame. Fortunately, I finally opened up with the truth to a couple of people very close to me and lucked out that they both understood and have stood by me during both the good and bad times.  This story shows very much the cycle of domestic abuse and the possible outcomes.  It is imperative for beople in these situations to seek help.  Help can come from many directions, but NEVER from the abuser.  If you find yourself in this situation PLEASE seek help. A counsler, the police, friends. and even family or clergy if you feel good with them.  Your safety and happiness are at stake!!!

 

Thank You James for starting this thread. I hope it helps someone.   Well Done!!

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The thing is.. for me at least and probably many others that it has become a pattern. I've never had a non abusive relationship with a guy. 

I hope to break this pattern and some point but it will take time and it's not just something to change over night. Not for me at least. 

 

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I am sorry to read that @Jsgo.

Do you have any idea why you keep getting in relationships with the wrong guys?

Understanding that may help breaking the pattern...

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1 minute ago, Freerider said:

I am sorry to read that @Jsgo.

Do you have any idea why you keep getting in relationships with the wrong guys?

Understanding that may help breaking the pattern...

 

I know why I do it but it doesn't make it less difficult to break my old habits. At least I'm clean now and of the streets so the I kinda hope this site will help me through the next step and deal with my thoughts 

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2 minutes ago, Jsgo said:

 

I know why I do it but it doesn't make it less difficult to break my old habits. At least I'm clean now and of the streets so the I kinda hope this site will help me through the next step and deal with my thoughts 

I never said it would be easy ;)

Your response gave me some insight in your past life. I think you will find people here are willing to listen if you reach out. You may even be surprised that some have gone through some of the same experiences.

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I know you didn't. I just don't think a lot of people realise how difficult it can be to get up and move on.

 

yeah I'm quite stunned how nice people are here. And I've only been here for about 24 hrs lol :)

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2 minutes ago, Jsgo said:

I know you didn't. I just don't think a lot of people realise how difficult it can be to get up and move on.

 

yeah I'm quite stunned how nice people are here. And I've only been here for about 24 hrs lol :)

Hehe, yes it keeps us coming back here all the time. Oh and the stories of course ;)

Are you already in contact with people that have lived lifes possibly very close to your own? If not, PM me and I can point you to a few users that may be of value to you (I prefer not to do this here in public).

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Based on some of the cases I've seen, the abused sometimes evolve to become abusers in the future.

 

Sadly, it becomes a template of how to live their lives. And if majority of their life was patterned on abusive relationships, it's either they will become abusive to others as well, or worse, they are very vulnerable to the abuse of other people. Their self worth it radically twisted and they will have a lot of self-hate and unforgiveness for themselves. Sadly, healing the wounds would really take a lot of time and they needed to be guided with love so that they will be able to overcome the wounds of abuse.

 

First things first, the abused should first get out of the abusive relationship. If you are in an abusive relationship right now, then asking help would be the hardest thing to do. The mindset of the abused is so battered that asking for help will be hard. But from there, it will slowly start to be easier.

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Abusive behavior doesn't just appear out of nowhere. 

 

If you know what to look for, you can see that it starts small and escalated as it is allowed to. 

 

Look out for the behaviors in the video. They won't just go away and may become intolerable.

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if only i had seen this in the fall of 1982, it may have made me aware of what was happening sooner.

 

i was "on my own" away at college, it was a chance to start over.  no one knew who i was there.  and he was the starting running back for the football team.  he thought i was sexy, and made me feel so good.

until the controlling started, and the name calling, and the hurting...

 

it's easy to get sucked in, and i hope the video helps someone 

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I had one abusive relationship many years ago. I always said I was too smart to be abused. Not so!

My abuse was verbal. Any abuse is horrendous. That relationship ended the day he went to strike for the first time. I was broken before him. It only got worse with every slur and put down. It starts out with defending and snowballs. Biggest advice, never isolate from friends. They will help save you!!

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On 10/23/2017 at 8:26 PM, Solus Magus said:

Based on some of the cases I've seen, the abused sometimes evolve to become abusers in the future.

 

Sadly, it becomes a template of how to live their lives. And if majority of their life was patterned on abusive relationships, it's either they will become abusive to others as well, or worse, they are very vulnerable to the abuse of other people. Their self worth it radically twisted and they will have a lot of self-hate and unforgiveness for themselves. Sadly, healing the wounds would really take a lot of time and they needed to be guided with love so that they will be able to overcome the wounds of abuse.

 

First things first, the abused should first get out of the abusive relationship. If you are in an abusive relationship right now, then asking help would be the hardest thing to do. The mindset of the abused is so battered that asking for help will be hard. But from there, it will slowly start to be easier.

 

Sadly I have to agree with Solus Magus, the abuser often needs as much hep and support as the abused.

 

What has to be remembered is that not all abusive relationships involve violence, some are purely about emotional and psychological abuse that is very controlling. These types of abusive often go un-noticed by most people including the abused until control is total. Because there are no physical signs of abuse does not mean that it is not abuse.

 

I've often found it harder to help and support an abused person where there has been no actual physical abuse. 

 

Very often I've noticed that the victims of abuse feel that they are the only ones being abused and no-one would understand, this feeling seems to be more common in younger people who are abused. Abuse is more common than most of us think and it can affect people of all ages, the oldest victim of abuse that I've come across was in their 70's!

The abuse didn't become apparent until until the abusive partner died and came out during grief counselling.

 

Another point is that most tend to think that the abuser is that the abuser is always the older one in the relationship, this is a myth. I've seen cases where the abuser is the youngest in the relationship.

 

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