' Live-Poets Society ' – A Corner For Poetry

[Drew Espinosa]

Since it was advised I begin at, well, the beginning ...

 

A bitter wind blows,

drifting lazy bits of fluff,

hallmarks of winter.

 

 

Softly twittering,

a flutter amongst evergreen boughs.

Chill the dawning.

Gently stir nature's sirens,

and so too my heart awakens.

 

 

Once pristine and white,

under foot is now trodden.

Wet, grey slush abounds.

Dugh, these are beautiful

 

I especially like your tanka

[Aditus]

The first is exactly what I am seeing right now. The second is what I wish for and the third is what I will be seeing soon. Beautiful, dugh.

[Puppilull]

Since it was advised I begin at, well, the beginning ...

A bitter wind blows,

drifting lazy bits of fluff,

hallmarks of winter.

Softly twittering,

a flutter amongst evergreen boughs.

Chill the dawning.

Gently stir nature's sirens,

and so too my heart awakens.

Once pristine and white,

under foot is now trodden.

Wet, grey slush abounds.

Dugh, how can you not consider yourself a poet? Granted, to see yourself is sometimes hard, but you have a way of painting with words that is truly amazing. These were simply beautiful.

[Headstall]

Since it was advised I begin at, well, the beginning ...

 

A bitter wind blows,

drifting lazy bits of fluff,

hallmarks of winter.

 

 

Softly twittering,

a flutter amongst evergreen boughs.

Chill the dawning.

Gently stir nature's sirens,

and so too my heart awakens.

 

 

Once pristine and white,

under foot is now trodden.

Wet, grey slush abounds.

Lovely... evocative visuals... me like, dugh!

[dughlas]

Thank you all. These came to me as disjointed observations during the morning walk and kept swirling about until eventually the pieces slid into place.

[Puppilull]

And that too turned out poetic! You just can't help yourself. LOL

[AC Benus]

Thank you all. These came to me as disjointed observations during the morning walk and kept swirling about until eventually the pieces slid into place.

Thanks for posting them! They are beautiful

[AC Benus]

With the poet's permission, I would like to draw your attention to skinnydragon's new Tanka. Let him know what you think with a review and likes

[dughlas]

The third prompt is for two 8-6-8-6 stanza lyrics using emotions on first waking.

 

 

Drift betwixt sleep and wakefulness,

slumber's soft kiss bestowed.

A small furry form slips inside,

the warmth shared by two.

 

Still adrift yet drawing nearer,

mindless susurrations.

Gently held in Morpheus' embrace,

then AWAKE! Damned alarm.

[Mikiesboy]

With the poet's permission, I would like to draw your attention to skinnydragon's new Tanka. Let him know what you think with a review and likes

It's an interesting little tanka ... like everything Skinny writes 

[Drew Espinosa]

The third prompt is for two 8-6-8-6 stanza lyrics using emotions on first waking.

 

 

Drift betwixt sleep and wakefulness,

slumber's soft kiss bestowed.

A small furry form slips inside,

the warmth shared by two.

 

Still adrift yet drawing nearer,

mindless susurrations.

Gently held in Morpheus' embrace,

then AWAKE! Damned alarm.

Ran out of likes... :heart:

 

I love it Dugh!

[AC Benus]

The third prompt is for two 8-6-8-6 stanza lyrics using emotions on first waking.

 

 

Drift betwixt sleep and wakefulness,

slumber's soft kiss bestowed.

A small furry form slips inside,

the warmth shared by two.

 

Still adrift yet drawing nearer,

mindless susurrations.

Gently held in Morpheus' embrace,

then AWAKE! Damned alarm.

I think they are good, Dugh. The only point I'd say to work on a bit more is having your stanzas be one thought flowing over four lines. Now you have two lines and an ending in the middle of the stanza.

 

Does that make sense?

 

EDIT: Maybe I should say '...a hard stop in the middle of the stanza.' I didn't mean to suggest that a pause, or shift was not warranted, but coming to a full stop is like ending the stanza in the middle.

Edited January 5, 2016 by AC Benus

[dughlas]

I think they are good, Dugh. The only point I'd say to work on a bit more is having your stanzas be one thought flowing over four lines. Now you have two lines and an ending in the middle of the stanza.

 

Does that make sense?

I think so yes, thanks.

[Defiance19]

Since it was advised I begin at, well, the beginning ...

 

A bitter wind blows,

drifting lazy bits of fluff,

hallmarks of winter.

 

 

Softly twittering,

a flutter amongst evergreen boughs.

Chill the dawning.

Gently stir nature's sirens,

and so too my heart awakens.

 

 

Once pristine and white,

under foot is now trodden.

Wet, grey slush abounds.

 

 

The third prompt is for two 8-6-8-6 stanza lyrics using emotions on first waking.

 

 

Drift betwixt sleep and wakefulness,

slumber's soft kiss bestowed.

A small furry form slips inside,

the warmth shared by two.

 

Still adrift yet drawing nearer,

mindless susurrations.

Gently held in Morpheus' embrace,

then AWAKE! Damned alarm.

Way to  go Dugh!  These are all so beautiful.... Loved them.. 

[Drew Espinosa]

Question: Should I play it safe and stick with iambic pentameter or be more adventurous and try something else?

[dughlas]

Question: Should I play it safe and stick with iambic pentameter or be more adventurous and try something else?

What does your heart tell you? Don't overthink it, write from your soul.

[AC Benus]

Question: Should I play it safe and stick with iambic pentameter or be more adventurous and try something else?

Dugh is right, imo. Unless you are doing the Meter Prompt exercise/challenge, the metre you choose should be part of the natural flow of the idea you wish to express. 

 

If this is for practice, do the iambic pentameter so you have a feel for how the 'sing-song' beat works in narrative poetry (which you will need to understand for the more difficult forms like Sonnet and Ballade - even if you do not use it in the strict sense).

 

In my mind, metre for a young poet is like an artist studying perspective. Even if the artist wants to be abstract and thinks he'll never need to know the rules of perspective, he does, because unless we know the rules we cannot break them beautifully. 

Edited January 5, 2016 by AC Benus

[Puppilull]

because unless we know the rules we cannot break them beautifully.

 

My little lawyer soul went 'Sigh...' at this. LOL

[AC Benus]

Okay...here's a little rant - ignore it if you want, but I want to get some thoughts out in a constructive way...

 

.....................................

 

I love Japanese poems. One thing I've come to notice since doing the poetry prompts is a 'lost in translation' aspect to many Haiku and Tanka in English, generally speaking.

 

This not a comment on any one poet or poem, but what I mean is this: in Japanese the poems read smoothly and do not need to omit prepositions, articles, particles, and so forth. The pressures of the limited 'space' available in the lines for English-language versions often result in a cutting out of words like 'the,' 'on,' 'in' – all the things necessary to make the 3 or 5 lines sing as one sentence (as they should, per the Japanese models).

 

It's become a cultural phenomenon I suppose now – that readers think Japanese poems are 'choppy' just because many translations of them are, and poets in non-Japanese versions model their verse on that perceived lack of smoothness.

 

I think we should all strive to make our Haiku and Tanka flow in the effortless and unstrained steam of thought in which they were conceived. 

 

See Prompts 1 and 2 for examples, and also see these translations of classic Tanka that I've posted. Hopefully you can get a sense of what I mean.

 

.....................................

 

Okay. Rant over. Let me know your thoughts...

[Mikiesboy]

Okay...here's a little rant - ignore it if you want, but I want to get some thoughts out in a constructive way...

 

.....................................

 

I love Japanese poems. One thing I've come to notice since doing the poetry prompts is a 'lost in translation' aspect to many Haiku and Tanka in English, generally speaking.

 

This not a comment on any one poet or poem, but what I mean is this: in Japanese the poems read smoothly and do not need to omit prepositions, articles, particles, and so forth. The pressures of the limited 'space' available in the lines for English-language versions often result in a cutting out of words like 'the,' 'on,' 'in' – all the things necessary to make the 3 or 5 lines sing as one sentence (as they should, per the Japanese models).

 

It's become a cultural phenomenon I suppose now – that readers think Japanese poems are 'choppy' just because many translations of them are, and poets in non-Japanese versions model their verse on that perceived lack of smoothness.

 

I think we should all strive to make our Haiku and Tanka flow in the effortless and unstrained steam of thought in which they were conceived. 

 

See Prompts 1 and 2 for examples, and also see these translations of classic Tanka that I've posted. Hopefully you can get a sense of what I mean.

 

.....................................

 

Okay. Rant over. Let me know your thoughts...

So in the Japanese version are the number of syllables used the same, AC?

[AC Benus]

By the way, for anyone who missed it, Doctor Oger recently posted an interesting and engaging poem called From the speakers the sensual sound. Please be sure to check it out, and leave feedback. Also, read some of the other poems in this 'Sock Drawer,' because they're all quite enjoyable      

Edited January 5, 2016 by AC Benus

[AC Benus]

So in the Japanese version are the number of syllables used the same, AC?

Yes, exactly the same number.

[AC Benus]

Seems there's a poetry tussle going on! https://www.gayauthors.org/forums/topic/41063-last-post-wins-33/page-43

[Puppilull]

I did think the slightly 'naked' style was sort of part of what was a haiku or a tanka. Knowing no Japanese what so ever, I have no feel for the language. That makes it difficult to understand something so personal and culturally entwined as poetry. I sent you that Swedish poem once, AC, and remember I winced at the translation. So I guess many Japanese (being or speaking) feel the same about this poetry.

 

Add to that my own habit of doing poetry kind of choppy and it's a double effect. Food for thought indeed!

[Puppilull]

Seems there's a poetry tussle going on! https://www.gayauthors.org/forums/topic/41063-last-post-wins-33/page-43

 

That was hilarious!