' Live-Poets Society ' – A Corner For Poetry

[AC Benus]

1 hour ago, Defiance19 said:

Ok, so let me start by saying.This Tanka business is SO HARD!! I tried to get it, checked the list, do not know if I succeeded. So now I submit for your  appraisal. Let me know how I can fix/ correct them, are they even Tanka? 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️ 

 

 

 

 

Snowflakes dance carefree

Just coating the earth below

On naked branches 

It settles like pillowed mounds

Lending grace to forlorn trees

 

 

A morning snowfall

Promises frolic and fun 

excitedly, we make plans

But by playtime it’s melted

Stealing joy from everyone 

 

 

 

I stand quietly 

Watching the wild rabbit hunt

He scents the cold air

Our eyes meet and he is gone 

Dawn falls back into stillness 

 

 

 

Ice rains from the sky

Traffic crawls to a dead stop

A broken down bus

lets off bundled commuters 

I shake, though heat warms my seat

 

 

Filled with misgiving 

I slow-walk onto the ice

Pushing off I flail

But your hand reaches mine

And I forget I’m falling 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Five very good and strong scenes for poetry, and they are nicely diverse and form a little collection. For me, No. 3 is the most striking. It offers a tense moment, but it does lack how this encounter makes the poet feel. Without that emotion, there's not much the reader can connect with, other than the intriguing sight.

 

In the same way, No. 5 has the most of "you" in it, so I'd say it's the most successful Tanka. Please keep writing, and maybe it's best to set these ideas aside and try out some fresh concepts, focusing first on the emotion of the scene.

 

I'm really glad you are trying out the Tanka challenge, Def. Muah!

 

[Defiance19]

4 minutes ago, AC Benus said:

Five very good and strong scenes for poetry, and they are nicely diverse and form a little collection. For me, No. 3 is the most striking. It offers a tense moment, but it does lack how this encounter makes the poet feel. Without that emotion, there's not much the reader can connect with, other than the intriguing sight.

 

In the same way, No. 5 has the most of "you" in it, so I'd say it's the most successful Tanka. Please keep writing, and maybe it's best to set these ideas aside and try out some fresh concepts, focusing first on the emotion of the scene.

 

I'm really glad you are trying out the Tanka challenge, Def. Muah!

 

Thank you much,  AC.  I think I’m understanding the ‘me’ connection, in the Tanka part.  I will keep trying and trying.  lol. 

[AC Benus]

20 minutes ago, Backwoods Boy said:

 

 

I love them all, and the "me" part is the piece to this puzzle that I'm having the most trouble with too.  The poem seems so nice, and then I have to inject a token "I" into it somewhere and spoil it.

Well, before laying out the scene in words, first focus on how the sight makes/made you feel. You are right that there is no injecting "I" in last. Your personal connection to the scene is either the reason the poem is being written, or it's not a Tanka  

 

[Mikiesboy]

Read this today:

 

 

the poem is good...  maybe have a look.

 

 

[AC Benus]

Just now, Mikiesboy said:

Read this today:

 

 

the poem is good...  maybe have a look.

 

 

I agree. Well worth encouraging Marty to post more

[Brayon]

Okay... So I had to join the club in order to post... Anyways, I tried my hand at doing a Tanka again. So, here is my crappy piece:

 

Original:

No snow on the ground,
winter is never that cold.
The sand I walk on
warmed by the sun, shifts away
dreams of winter wonderlands.

 

I was given some formating advice:

No snow on the ground,
Winter is never that cold;
The sand I walk on
Warmed by the sun, shifts away
Dreams of winter wonderlands.

[MacGreg]

@BHopper2 I just sent you an invite, but it looks like you found your own way here. Good. 

 

So, your Tanka is great! Thank you for sharing it with us. I can feel the sand between my toes and a longing for a change of season. 

 

My only suggestion: the last line reads slightly awkward, only because it's not entirely clear who/what is dreaming of winter wonderlands - is it the sand or you? 

 

Edited January 22, 2019 by MacGreg

[Brayon]

5 minutes ago, MacGreg said:

So, your Tanka is great! Thank you for sharing it with us. I can feel the sand between my toes and a longing for a change of season. 

Thank you, Mac.

 

6 minutes ago, MacGreg said:

My only suggestion: the last line reads slightly awkward, only because it's not entirely clear who/what is dreaming of winter wonderlands - is it the sand or you?

It took me a moment, but I see what you mean. I'll give it another look at.

[Mikiesboy]

26 minutes ago, BHopper2 said:

Anyways, I tried my hand at doing a Tanka again. So, here is my crappy piece:

mmmm  ... please dont say that we only learn by being brave enough to post stuff... if its not quite right.. which if you look back through this forum you will see lots of us trying to get it right..  and so they we think and do it until we get it right.

Edited January 22, 2019 by Mikiesboy

[Brayon]

7 minutes ago, Mikiesboy said:

mmmm  ... please dont say that we only learn by being brave enough to post stuff... i

Will do, Bro.

[AC Benus]

31 minutes ago, BHopper2 said:

Okay... So I had to join the club in order to post... Anyways, I tried my hand at doing a Tanka again. So, here is my crappy piece:

 

Original:

No snow on the ground,
winter is never that cold.
The sand I walk on
warmed by the sun, shifts away
dreams of winter wonderlands.

 

I was given some formating advice:

No snow on the ground,
Winter is never that cold;
The sand I walk on
Warmed by the sun, shifts away
Dreams of winter wonderlands.

Nothing crappy about them/it. But I will start by saying you don't necessarily need each line of your poem capitalized; it's up to you how you want your verse to read. While conventionally, yes, all poetry in English was printed with caps starting each line, the convention waned in the 20th century and became a subject for artistic expression. If you want your poem to read that way, then do it. If you don't, then just capitalize the lines that start after a period, or with a proper name

 

[AC Benus]

40 minutes ago, BHopper2 said:

Okay... So I had to join the club in order to post... Anyways, I tried my hand at doing a Tanka again. So, here is my crappy piece:

 

Original:

No snow on the ground,
winter is never that cold.
The sand I walk on
warmed by the sun, shifts away
dreams of winter wonderlands.

 

I was given some formating advice:

No snow on the ground,
Winter is never that cold;
The sand I walk on
Warmed by the sun, shifts away
Dreams of winter wonderlands.

Thanks for reading the Tanka Prompt and taking the plunge  Nothing like getting your feet wet. And yes, that is a pun.

 

With the poem itself, I wonder if too little of yourself is allowed to show. I mean, how exactly do you feel walking the sand in wintertime? Perhaps a bit relieved not to have to be out in the snow.... But I'd just say to remember Tanka are personal poems. If the sight out in nature raised an emotion in you, others may have felt it too and can relate. 

 

Please keep trying, A! There is promise here for sure. 

 

[Brayon]

18 minutes ago, AC Benus said:

Nothing crappy about them/it. But I will start by saying you don't necessarily need each line of your poem capitalized; it's up to you how you want your verse to read. While conventionally, yes, all poetry in English was printed with caps starting each line, the convention waned in the 20th century and became a subject for artistic expression. If you want your poem to read that way, then do it. If you don't, then just capitalize the lines that start after a period, or with a proper name

 

 

7 minutes ago, AC Benus said:

Thanks for reading the Tanka Prompt and taking the plunge  Nothing like getting your feet wet. And yes, that is a pun.

 

With the poem itself, I wonder if too little of yourself is allowed to show. I mean, how exactly do you feel walking the sand in wintertime? Perhaps a bit relieved not to have to be out in the snow.... But I'd just say to remember Tanka are personal poems. If the sight out in nature raised an emotion in you, others may have felt it too and can relate. 

 

Please keep trying, A! There is promise here for sure. 

 

 

Thanks, AC. I'll give it another whack later.

[Mikiesboy]

4 minutes ago, BHopper2 said:

 

 

Thanks, AC. I'll give it another whack later.

Just let it rest a bit

[AC Benus]

I've started the slow process of gathering poems for a grand anthology on the theme same-sex love. If you know of any, please shoot me a PM! It's especially rewarding to discover poems not composed in the English language, although our own mother tongue still has lots of buried treasures, like this stunner by Chaucer. Hope you enjoy

 

 

Merciless Beaut

A Triple Roundel, by Geoffrey Chaucer  

 

 

I. Captivity

 

Your eyes of two, whole slay me soddenly 

I may the beaut of him not susteen,

So woundeth it throughout my heart keen 

 

And but your word, whole healing hastily 

My heart's wound, while that hit is green 

Your eyes of two, whole slay me soddenly; 

I may the beaut of him not susteen.

 

Upon my truth, I'll say you faithfully,

That they've been of my life and death the queen;

For with my death, the trouble shall be seen

Your eyes of two, whole slay me soddenly 

I may the beaut of him not susteen,

So woundeth it throughout my heart keen. 

 

 

 

II. Rejection 

 

So hath your beaut from your heart chased 

Pity, that to me now avails not too plain; 

For Danger halts your mercy in his chain. 

 

Guiltless by death have you thus me purchased 

I'll say you sooth, me needing not to feign,

So hath your beaut from your heart chased 

Pity, that to me now avails not too plain.

 

Alas! That nature hath in you compassed 

So great a beaut, that no man may obtain 

Its mercy, though he serve for the pain  

So hath your beaut from your heart chased 

Pity, that to me now avails not too plain.

For Danger halts your mercy in his chain. 

 

 

 

III. Escape 

 

Since I from Love escaped, I am so fat 

I'll never thank to be in his prison lean;

Since I am free, I'll count him not a bean.  

 

He may answer and say this or that, 

I'll no favors; I'll speak just as I mean

Since I from Love escaped, I am so fat 

I'll never thank to be in his prison lean.

 

Love hath my name, and can strike it flat

And he's stricken out of my book clean

For evermore; there's none other to mean 

Since I from Love escaped, I am so fat 

I'll never thank to be in his prison lean

Since I am free, I'll count him not a bean. 

 

 

 

_

[Mikiesboy]

5 minutes ago, AC Benus said:

Since I from Love escaped, I am so fat 

I'll never thank to be in his prison lean

Since I am free, I'll count him not a bean. 

 

these are all great!    i've never read any Chaucer before.

[Black Paper]

.

Edited January 27, 2019 by Asher25

[Black Paper]

So I wrote this page which is entitled “Addiction”. It is meant to aid those battling  the struggles of an addiction and discover  how they can overcome it. I hope you like it... please let me know what you think.

 

 

Addiction

You think too much.
You drink to much.
This is why you sink,
No matter how many times you try to blink.
You cannot see straight.
It all looks foggy.
No matter the date,
You feel groggy.
It is all dirty & unclean.
This is why you act mean.
You are haunted,
By all of the things you have wanted.
These drugs are like bugs.
You cannot stop thinking about them,
Like you're in love with what you hate.
They suck the life from your fate.
It is nothing but a shackle holding you back.
It is a giant leech sucking the blood from your back.
What is compulsive is repulsive.
It is seductive, but, destructive.
The addiction causes confliction..
It clouds your depiction, no matter how many times you acquire restriction.
The infection causes dissection in your every direction.
Each insect will affect & try to infect,
Whatever, it is, that you will select.
How will this go away?
Discover the reason why you do it in the first place.
And, only then, will this black flower be removed from your vase.

 

Edited January 27, 2019 by Asher25

[mollyhousemouse]

On 1/25/2019 at 3:24 PM, AC Benus said:

I've started the slow process of gathering poems for a grand anthology on the theme same-sex love. If you know of any, please shoot me a PM! It's especially rewarding to discover poems not composed in the English language, although our own mother tongue still has lots of buried treasures, like this stunner by Chaucer. Hope you enjoy

 

i haven't looked at Chaucer since High School, and that was a long time ago!

thanks for sharing this AC!  xo

[AC Benus]

1 hour ago, Asher25 said:

So I wrote this page which is entitled “Addiction”. It is meant to aid those battling  the struggles of an addiction and discover  how they can overcome it. I hope you like it... please let me know what you think.

 

 

Addiction

You think too much.
You drink to much.
This is why you sink,
No matter how many times you try to blink.
You cannot see straight.
It all looks foggy.
No matter the date,
You feel groggy.
It is all dirty & unclean.
This is why you act mean.
You are haunted,
By all of the things you have wanted.
These drugs are like bugs.
You cannot stop thinking about them,
Like you're in love with what you hate.
They suck the life from your fate.
It is nothing but a shackle holding you back.
It is a giant leech sucking the blood from your back.
What is compulsive is repulsive.
It is seductive, but, destructive.
The addiction causes confliction..
It clouds your depiction, no matter how many times you acquire restriction.
The infection causes dissection in your every direction.
Each insect will affect & try to infect,
Whatever, it is, that you will select.
How will this go away?
Discover the reason why you do it in the first place.
And, only then, will this black flower be removed from your vase.

 

It's an effective poem. The use of the repeated sounds and rhymes gives one a jittery feeling; at the risk of offending you, I think this poem makes the skin crawl. But, I'm imagining  that's what you wanted, at least in part. 

 

And thanks for joining Live-Poets. We're a friendly bunch here, so feel free to ask for advice or help on any project you may have in the works

 

[Black Paper]

12 minutes ago, AC Benus said:

It's an effective poem. The use of the repeated sounds and rhymes gives one a jittery feeling; at the risk of offending you, I think this poem makes the skin crawl. But, I'm imagining  that's what you wanted, at least in part. 

 

And thanks for joining Live-Poets. We're a friendly bunch here, so feel free to ask for advice or help on any project you may have in the works

 

Exactly.  That’s how the book works. it’s a whispered voice that makes no sound but you can still hear it in your mind. The book is talking to you. It talks to whoever is reading it. The more you read it the more you realize it’s alive and has conscience and comes from somewhere else. 🔮🤭🌹

Edited January 27, 2019 by Asher25

[Mikiesboy]

12 minutes ago, Asher25 said:

Exactly.  That’s how the book works. it’s a whispered voice that makes no sound but you can still hear it in your mind. The book is talking to you. It talks to whoever is reading it. The more you read it the more you realize it’s a alive and has conscience and comes from somewhere else. 🔮🤭🌹

I agree with AC ... and I think your poem is a fair description of how drugs and addiction affect you. I may be missing something but I'm not sure what book you are referring to.

[Black Paper]

6 minutes ago, Mikiesboy said:

I agree with AC ... and I think your poem is a fair description of how drugs and addiction affect you. I may be missing something but I'm not sure what book you are referring to.

Thank you. It’s the book I’m writing where this page was taken from. There’s hundreds more. There’s multiple volumes and each introduction page is a “Door” you use to walk into each book.

[Mikiesboy]

7 minutes ago, Asher25 said:

Thank you. It’s the book I’m writing where this page was taken from. There’s hundreds more. There’s multiple volumes and each introduction page is a “Door” you use to walk into each book.

Books of verse? Or?

[Black Paper]

.

Edited January 27, 2019 by Asher25