' Live-Poets Society ' – A Corner For Poetry

[AC Benus]

All of your diligent work on Haiku, and the awesome results, have even gotten me in the mood! No great piece this, but take a look at my Haibun (a piece combining prose and poetry). Muah

 

https://gayauthors.org/story/ac-benus/pride-month-and-other-haibun/8

 

 

[mollyhousemouse]

4 hours ago, AC Benus said:

Thanks for the encouragement, Molly. Coffee would be nice

 

coffee would be great @AC Benus!

here's my first run at Haiku

still very much in progress.

 

 

From this:

The bush is naked

But soon will flower

So much purple

 

 

To here:

The bush stands naked

It's purple blooms are long gone

But they'll be back soon

 

 

 

Edited February 2, 2019 by mollyhousemouse

[AC Benus]

33 minutes ago, mollyhousemouse said:

coffee would be great @AC Benus!

here's my first run at Haiku

still very much in progress.

 

 

From this:

The bush is naked

But soon will flower

So much purple

 

 

To here:

The bush stands naked

It's purple blooms are long gone

But they'll be back soon

 

 

 

I prefer the direction of the first one. Now, why? There seems more detachment there, but also more promise of hope with the three words "so much purple". 

 

I think you can tweak the second and third lines of the first version to get the beat-count you want. If you run out of ideas, PM me and I can show you what I'm thinking

 

 

[mollyhousemouse]

2 minutes ago, AC Benus said:

I prefer the direction of the first one. Now, why? There seems more detachment there, but also more promise of hope with the three words "so much purple". 

 

I think you can tweak the second and third lines of the first version to get the beat-count you want. If you run out of ideas, PM me and I can show you what I'm thinking

 

 

thanks AC!

i'm still working on it and i so appreciate your gentle guidance 

[Parker Owens]

3 hours ago, mollyhousemouse said:

coffee would be great @AC Benus!

here's my first run at Haiku

still very much in progress.

 

 

From this:

The bush is naked

But soon will flower

So much purple

 

 

To here:

The bush stands naked

It's purple blooms are long gone

But they'll be back soon

 

 

 

 

I agree with @AC Benus; the first appeals to me also. Isn’t it fun working on these? Glad you’re doing it too. 

[mollyhousemouse]

2 hours ago, Parker Owens said:

 

I agree with @AC Benus; the first appeals to me also. Isn’t it fun working on these? Glad you’re doing it too. 

it really has been fun, @Parker Owens

 

ok, Haiku, work in progress:

The bush is naked

But soon will flower again

Alive in purple

 

 

The bush is naked

But soon will be flowering

With so much purple

 

and now i'm following some advice from @Mikiesboy and putting it to bed for the night

thanks everyone who has commented

Edited February 3, 2019 by mollyhousemouse

[Black Paper]

Okay last one. Hehe

 

Karma

 

What goes around, will come around,
What goes up, will come down.
Who makes others miserable, now, too, will frown.
Make them fail in their swimming, and you too shall drown.
What you speak, to you will be spoken.
What you break, of yours will be broken.
What you take, of yours, will be taken.
What you shake, of yours, will be shaken
This is truth. Be not mistaken.
Every lie you tell is a lie you will be told,
Every gift you give is a gift you will unfold.
What you feed to others, you too shall eat.
If burning others is your fashion,
you too will experience heat.
What you do, to you will be done.
Do not give and you will receive none.
Do not think the World does not work in this way.
For it has done so since the very first day.
This give and take shall never decay.
So of all darkness you must keep at bay.
All in this world will be served,
Exactly what is to be deserved.
Remember you will always receive,
whether or not it is that you believe,
all in this World that you have done.
This is as solid as the Moon & the Sun.

[Backwoods Boy]

I have a question on this one:

 

three sets of tracks in
fresh snow, two deer have passed by
and then one large cat

 

My first take on it was:

 

three sets of tracks in
fresh snow, two deer have passed by
and one hungry cat

 

I preferred the second, but the word "hungry" seems to be injecting too much "me" in it, as that is my interpretation.

Thoughts?

[Marty]

3 minutes ago, Backwoods Boy said:

I have a question on this one:

 

three sets of tracks in
fresh snow, two deer have passed by
and then one large cat

 

My first take on it was:

 

three sets of tracks in
fresh snow, two deer have passed by
and one hungry cat

 

I preferred the second, but the word "hungry" seems to be injecting too much "me" in it, as that is my interpretation.

Thoughts?

 

Personally, I don't see the word 'hungry' as injecting any "me" at all. Hungry is describing the cat, not a person.

 

I actually prefer the second one, because it adds a touch of drama - as in it makes it seem more likely that one of the two deer may have become a meal for the cat. If you feel you need to make it clearer that the cat is a large one (rather than just a domestic one) the only large wild cat with a single-syllable name I can think of immediately would be a lynx (how about and one hungry lynx as the final line?).

 

Just my thoughts. Maybe others may think differently.

[AC Benus]

1 hour ago, Backwoods Boy said:

I have a question on this one:

 

three sets of tracks in
fresh snow, two deer have passed by
and then one large cat

 

My first take on it was:

 

three sets of tracks in
fresh snow, two deer have passed by
and one hungry cat

 

I preferred the second, but the word "hungry" seems to be injecting too much "me" in it, as that is my interpretation.

Thoughts?

To give my thoughts, I don't think "hungry" gives the cat any sort of human feelings/emotions, etc [a personal POV]. That being said, there may be a better way to paint the picture which goes back to an aesthetic in writing in general. It's always better to "show" than "tell", and a complex situation like being hungry is a more subjective experience than external one. Fancy words, but the idea is hunger may not show the reader much, but other words/phrases can, like "skin and bone cat", "lank and lean", "skeletal", even "starving". I'm not suggesting any of these are right for your poem, but I suspect this tell vs show thing is causing your current dissatisfaction.

 

Hope this all makes sense.  

[Backwoods Boy]

28 minutes ago, AC Benus said:

To give my thoughts, I don't think "hungry" gives the cat any sort of human feelings/emotions, etc [a personal POV]. That being said, there may be a better way to paint the picture which goes back to an aesthetic in writing in general. It's always better to "show" than "tell", and a complex situation like being hungry is a more subjective experience than external one. Fancy words, but the idea is hunger may not show the reader much, but other words/phrases can, like "skin and bone cat", "lank and lean", "skeletal", even "starving". I'm not suggesting any of these are right for your poem, but I suspect this tell vs show thing is causing your current dissatisfaction.

 

Hope this all makes sense.  

What you say makes perfect sense.  My struggle right here is "what am I looking at that I want to convey".  All I'm looking at is tracks, so how much of my interpretation do I impose?  I'll consider that further.

 

1 hour ago, Marty said:

 

Personally, I don't see the word 'hungry' as injecting any "me" at all. Hungry is describing the cat, not a person.

 

I actually prefer the second one, because it adds a touch of drama - as in it makes it seem more likely that one of the two deer may have become a meal for the cat. If you feel you need to make it clearer that the cat is a large one (rather than just a domestic one) the only large wild cat with a single-syllable name I can think of immediately would be a lynx (how about and one hungry lynx as the final line?).

 

Just my thoughts. Maybe others may think differently.

 

Thanks to both of you for your observations.  I'll play with it a little more.  You're dealing with an anal-retentive OCD retired computer scientist who needs to get a better grip on "artistic license".  I'm looking at a cougar track, so I don't really know what the cougar looked like, but I do know it isn't following the deer for exercise    And since it's a cougar, lynx, while great for syllables, gives me an uncomfortable itch.

 

Edited February 4, 2019 by Backwoods Boy

[Backwoods Boy]

@AC Benus @Marty So, while this is still too technical and colorless, I prefer it to previous trials.  I feel like the implication of hunted and hunter that I want is there, although perhaps too subtle.

 

footprints in the snow
reveal two passing deer, then
one mountain lion

 

... and thanks again for your input. 

Edited February 4, 2019 by Backwoods Boy
Needed to expand on original comment.

[Mikiesboy]

2 minutes ago, Backwoods Boy said:

@AC Benus @Marty So, while this is still too technical and colorless, I prefer it to previous trials.  I feel like the implication of hunted and hunter that I want is there, although perhaps too subtle.

 

footprints in the snow
reveal two passing deer, then
one mountain lion

 

... and thanks again for your input. 

what if you changed one to the ... ?

[Black Paper]

Okay I literally wrote this in 30 seconds just now and I HAD to post. It just... is such good advice I personally needed to have my mind tell me

 

The Rules

 

Stop being lazy.

Stop going crazy.

Do not look at the past,

For, it has passed.

Stop pouting.

Stop doubting.

Do what is productive,

Not, what is destructive.

What would happen if you followed these rules?

What would happen if you used these tools?

You would no longer fight anymore of these duels.

You will no longer live amoungst the fools...

Edited February 4, 2019 by Asher25

[Backwoods Boy]

13 minutes ago, Mikiesboy said:

what if you changed one to the ... ?

Yes!  A nice subtle change.  ❤️

[AC Benus]

4 hours ago, Mikiesboy said:

what if you changed one to the ... ?

This suggestion really worked out, imo

[Backwoods Boy]

16 minutes ago, AC Benus said:

This suggestion really worked out, imo

Mine too.  It's amazing how much difference one word can make, even a simple article.  

 

[Marty]

Paw prints in the snow

crimson drops beside each one

under a full moon

[Backwoods Boy]

1 hour ago, Marty said:

Paw prints in the snow

crimson drops beside each one

under a full moon

Oh, yeah.  That definitely paints the picture.

[Marty]

5 hours ago, Marty said:

Paw prints in the snow

crimson drops beside each one

under a full moon

 

 

3 hours ago, Backwoods Boy said:

Oh, yeah.  That definitely paints the picture.

 

Thanks, BB.

 

I was worried at first that you might think I had stolen your idea. Oddly enough I found it, amongst several other jottings, in a text file I had saved in a folder called Scribbles a few years back. A case of great minds thinking alike? (Or just mere coincidence? ) 

 

Edited February 4, 2019 by Marty
Removing another of my inevitable typos.

[Backwoods Boy]

1 hour ago, Marty said:

 

 

 

Thanks, BB.

 

I was worried at first that you might think I had stolen your idea. Oddly enough I found it, amongst several other jottings, in a text file I had saved in a folder called Scribbles a few years back. A case of great minds thinking like? (Or just mere coincidence? ) 

 

Quite interesting.  Definitely parallel thinking.  My first thought was that you were making another suggestion, but while similar, yours goes more in the direction of the accomplished fact

 

[AC Benus]

Hello, All!

 

For inspiration to keep your poetic challenges going, I'm beginning an appendix of random prompt ideas. For now, here is the start, and I'd like all of us to add images to inspire one another. I think it should be fun!

 

 

Edited February 5, 2019 by AC Benus

[mollyhousemouse]

1 hour ago, AC Benus said:

Hello, All!

 

For inspiration to keep your poetic challenges going, I'm beginning an appendix of random prompt ideas. For now, here is the start, and I'd like all of us to add images to inspire one another. I think it should be fun!

 

oh i'm sure that this will come in handy AC! thanks!

[Parker Owens]

My students turned in a bunch of Haiku with their integral homework. As expected, there was a big range of results. I may post a few...

[Parker Owens]

So here is a selection of my students' Haiku turned in along with their math homework. Some might actually fit the prompt, and some, well...

 

Refreshing and calm,

life is a sweet summer rain

washing over earth.

 

As the snowflakes fall

frosted earth is gently kissed,

in peaceful, still sleep.

 

On the robin's perch,

he watches newfound spring,

awaiting a snack.

 

 

I had to include this one...

 

Math is sometimes hard,

but poetry is harder:

physics is a pain.

 

 

and this response to a hamburger....

 

Stacked high to the sky,

a blend of juice and texture,

explodes in flavor.