' Live-Poets Society ' – A Corner For Poetry

[Parker Owens]

17 hours ago, mollyhousemouse said:

ok

here is Tanka 2, take 1

not sure that "flannel sheets" are enough to convey the cold, but it is a process, as i was reminded by @Mikiesboy 

 

the soft flannel sheets

they call to me so gently,

come, and rest in us,

more and more insistent now;

bedtime is coming soon, no?

 

This is splendid. You really hit it with the flannel sheet reference. 

[mollyhousemouse]

3 hours ago, Parker Owens said:

 

This is splendid. You really hit it with the flannel sheet reference. 

thanks Parker

i love our flannel sheets

[Parker Owens]

Here is a link to my five Tanka as a response to the Tanka Challenge. Please let me know what you think...  https://gayauthors.org/story/parker-owens/disasters-delights-and-other-detours/39

 

[AC Benus]

2 hours ago, Parker Owens said:

Here is a link to my five Tanka as a response to the Tanka Challenge. Please let me know what you think...  https://gayauthors.org/story/parker-owens/disasters-delights-and-other-detours/39

 

Delightful and piqued just right with surprises. I'll write more later on the posting itself 

[mollyhousemouse]

argghh

stuck on Tanka 3, i know what i want to say but i'm not quite sure the emotion is there

 

Thick clouds scudding by

darkening the evening sky;

but not so my mood,

'cause it’s Friday and i’m home

with my Husband and my kids

 

[AC Benus]

1 hour ago, mollyhousemouse said:

argghh

stuck on Tanka 3, i know what i want to say but i'm not quite sure the emotion is there

 

Thick clouds scudding by

darkening the evening sky;

but not so my mood,

'cause it’s Friday and i’m home

with my Husband and my kids

 

Two thoughts. If your POV is from the house looking out, then maybe mention that. Through the widow, etc. 

 

If you are out under these dark skies, maybe mention heading home to be with those who make you warm. 

 

Just two off the cuff thoughts... 

 

Edited January 20, 2019 by AC Benus

[mollyhousemouse]

3 minutes ago, AC Benus said:

Two thoughts. If your POV is from the house looking out, then maybe mention that. Through the widow, etc. 

 

If you are out under these dark skies, maybe mention hurting home to be with those who make you warm. 

 

Just two off the cuff thoughts... 

 

thanks!

i started it in the car on the way home last night, i could see the movement in the clouds

i'm still working on it, appreciate the thoughts!

 

[Parker Owens]

1 hour ago, mollyhousemouse said:

argghh

stuck on Tanka 3, i know what i want to say but i'm not quite sure the emotion is there

 

Thick clouds scudding by

darkening the evening sky;

but not so my mood,

'cause it’s Friday and i’m home

with my Husband and my kids

 

 

I see what you mean. @AC Benus has two good suggestions. In my own tiny opinion, it’s the third line that might be the fulcrum. I’ll look forward to what works its way out.

[mollyhousemouse]

6 minutes ago, Parker Owens said:

 

I see what you mean. @AC Benus has two good suggestions. In my own tiny opinion, it’s the third line that might be the fulcrum. I’ll look forward to what works its way out.

lol! @Parker Owens you would use a "mathy" term like FULCRUM

but yes, i see what you're saying

thanks!

[mollyhousemouse]

1 hour ago, mollyhousemouse said:

argghh

stuck on Tanka 3, i know what i want to say but i'm not quite sure the emotion is there

 

Thick clouds scudding by

darkening the evening sky;

but not so my mood,

'cause it’s Friday and i’m home

with my Husband and my kids

 

 

36 minutes ago, AC Benus said:

Two thoughts. If your POV is from the house looking out, then maybe mention that. Through the widow, etc. 

 

If you are out under these dark skies, maybe mention heading home to be with those who make you warm. 

 

Just two off the cuff thoughts... 

 

 

30 minutes ago, Parker Owens said:

 

I see what you mean. @AC Benus has two good suggestions. In my own tiny opinion, it’s the third line that might be the fulcrum. I’ll look forward to what works its way out.

@Parker Owens and @AC Benus thanks again

i heard what you said:

 

Thick clouds scudding by

could darken my mood like they

do the evening sky;

except it's Friday and i’m

heading home where my loves live.

[MichaelS36]

Some Tanka here: 

 

 

 

[dughlas]

19 hours ago, mollyhousemouse said:

argghh

stuck on Tanka 3, i know what i want to say but i'm not quite sure the emotion is there

 

Thick clouds scudding by

darkening the evening sky;

but not so my mood,

'cause it’s Friday and i’m home

with my Husband and my kids

 

I like the thoughts 

[AC Benus]

17 hours ago, mollyhousemouse said:

 

 

@Parker Owens and @AC Benus thanks again

i heard what you said:

 

Thick clouds scudding by

could darken my mood like they

do the evening sky;

except it's Friday and i’m

heading home where my loves live.

Yes, it seems to be more personal now  Good job 

[AC Benus]

50 minutes ago, MichaelS36 said:

Some Tanka here: 

 

 

 

Read and enjoyed! Well done -- you do the prompt proud. 

[Defiance19]

Ok, so let me start by saying.This Tanka business is SO HARD!! I tried to get it, checked the list, do not know if I succeeded. So now I submit for your  appraisal. Let me know how I can fix/ correct them, are they even Tanka? 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️ 

 

 

 

 

Snowflakes dance carefree

Just coating the earth below

On naked branches 

It settles like pillowed mounds

Lending grace to forlorn trees

 

 

A morning snowfall

Promises frolic and fun 

excitedly, we make plans

But by playtime it’s melted

Stealing joy from everyone 

 

 

 

I stand quietly 

Watching the wild rabbit hunt

He scents the cold air

Our eyes meet and he is gone 

Dawn falls back into stillness 

 

 

 

Ice rains from the sky

Traffic crawls to a dead stop

A broken down bus

lets off bundled commuters 

I shake, though heat warms my seat

 

 

Filled with misgiving 

I slow-walk onto the ice

Pushing off I flail

But your hand reaches mine

And I forget I’m falling 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[MacGreg]

@Defiance19 These are wonderful! I am especially drawn to #3. You express your feelings about the natural scene with poetic grace. All of my senses are ignited with this one.

 

#1 is also beautiful, but it may not quite be a Tanka, as it describes the scenery but not your reaction to it.

 

As a grouping, I love them all. Great job.

 

 

[Mikiesboy]

44 minutes ago, Defiance19 said:

Ok, so let me start by saying.This Tanka business is SO HARD!

mmm i agree.  

 

I also think 1 and 2 are missing you (but are great little poems)  ...  3 is amazing and i really like 5.   

Edited January 21, 2019 by Mikiesboy

[MichaelS36]

46 minutes ago, Defiance19 said:

Ok, so let me start by saying.This Tanka business is SO HARD!! I tried to get it, checked the list, do not know if I succeeded. So now I submit for your  appraisal. Let me know how I can fix/ correct them, are they even Tanka? 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️ 

 

 

 

 

Snowflakes dance carefree

Just coating the earth below

On naked branches 

It settles like pillowed mounds

Lending grace to forlorn trees

 

 

A morning snowfall

Promises frolic and fun 

excitedly, we make plans

But by playtime it’s melted

Stealing joy from everyone 

 

 

 

I stand quietly 

Watching the wild rabbit hunt

He scents the cold air

Our eyes meet and he is gone 

Dawn falls back into stillness 

 

 

 

Ice rains from the sky

Traffic crawls to a dead stop

A broken down bus

lets off bundled commuters 

I shake, though heat warms my seat

 

 

Filled with misgiving 

I slow-walk onto the ice

Pushing off I flail

But your hand reaches mine

And I forget I’m falling 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have to agree about 1 and 2 not being tanka… but still are great poems.   #3 is wonderful I'd say, the pinnacle of the group. #5 is right up there too. Very nice, Def. 

[Defiance19]

9 minutes ago, MacGreg said:

@Defiance19 These are wonderful! I am especially drawn to #3. You express your feelings about the natural scene with poetic grace. All of my senses are ignited with this one.

 

#1 is also beautiful, but it may not quite be a Tanka, as it describes the scenery but not your reaction to it.

 

As a grouping, I love them all. Great job.

 

 

Thank you, Mac.. will work on # 1

 

2 minutes ago, Mikiesboy said:

mmm i agree.  

 

I also think 1 and 2 are missing you (but are great little poems)  ...  3 is amazing and i really like 5.   

Thank you, tim. Sooo, back to work I go. But I get the missing ‘me’ part. 

[Defiance19]

2 minutes ago, MichaelS36 said:

Have to agree about 1 and 2 not being tanka… but still are great poems.   #3 is wonderful I'd say, the pinnacle of the group. #5 is right up there too. Very nice, Def. 

Thank you, Mike.. As I read them with everyone’s thoughts in mind, I’m beginning to see.. 

[AC Benus]

OMG, I am smiling ear to ear. It's great that you guys are all "talking Tanka" like pros. You have learned what makes one, and help each other. So I wonder, who needs me...?

 

Hehe, only joking! I'll still inflict my opinion too

[MichaelS36]

1 minute ago, AC Benus said:

OMG, I am smiling ear to ear. It's great that you guys are all "talking Tanka" like pros. You have learned what makes one, and help each other. So I wonder, who needs me...?

 

Hehe, only joking! I'll still inflict my opinion too

You've given us a great Guide and so the confidence to say what we think. So kudos, AC. And we will always need and value you and your talent. 

[Backwoods Boy]

12 minutes ago, Mikiesboy said:

mmm i agree.  

 

I also think 1 and 2 are missing you (but are great little poems)  

 

7 minutes ago, MichaelS36 said:

Have to agree about 1 and 2 not being tanka… but still are great poems. 

 

4 minutes ago, Defiance19 said:

Thank you, Mike.. As I read them with everyone’s thoughts in mind, I’m beginning to see.. 

I love them all, and the "me" part is the piece to this puzzle that I'm having the most trouble with too.  The poem seems so nice, and then I have to inject a token "I" into it somewhere and spoil it.

[Defiance19]

4 minutes ago, AC Benus said:

OMG, I am smiling ear to ear. It's great that you guys are all "talking Tanka" like pros. You have learned what makes one, and help each other. So I wonder, who needs me...?

 

Hehe, only joking! I'll still inflict my opinion too

Well, I do.. of course we do!

The fact that you use ‘inflict’ doesn’t make me quake... nope, not at all. 😅

[Defiance19]

4 minutes ago, Backwoods Boy said:

 

 

I love them all, and the "me" part is the piece to this puzzle that I'm having the most trouble with too.  The poem seems so nice, and then I have to inject a token "I" into it somewhere and spoil it.

Thank you, BB.. Day off tomorrow, so I’ll sleep on it and start anew!