Safe Sex. Hot Or Not?

[Jack Ladd]

Hello everyone. Please be aware the below contains ideas and imagery of a sexual nature.

 

This is my first topic as an author here on GA, so first of all, thank you to everyone for being so friendly and welcoming, and secondly, apologies if this has already been discussed. But, it's a topic I've long been curious about since I started writing.

 

Safe sex in male to male erotic fiction. Hot or not?

 

Now, I won't lie, personally I prefer unprotected pornography, and having experienced both protected and unprotected sex, I find unprotected sex better. But, that doesn't mean I haven't enjoyed protected sex either. There have been many times in the past where putting on a condom, or putting one on someone else, has been thoroughly titillating.

 

However, when it comes to erotic fiction, where the reader is generally looking to escape reality, is it a wise idea to have your characters use protection when (sweeping statement alert) bareback is better?

 

Also, morally, I have an issue with encouraging unsafe sex. My motto in life is "as long as you're safe and not hurting anybody (against their will) go for gold". But economically, as a writer looking to eventually self-publish and sell, is having my characters use condoms a good idea?

 

Do readers assume unprotected sex is to perpetuate the fantasy, or do they think it perpetuates negative connotations about gay men and their sexual behaviour?

 

I've looked online and there are articles for and against. What do you think?

 

Thanks in advance,

Jack

Edited January 29, 2016 by Jack Ladd

[Puppilull]

I'm not much a writer, but I read a lot and I like a good sex scene , so I thought I'd give you my opinion.

 

For me, having characters use condoms and being safe isn't a turn off. I think it adds a feeling of reality, that these people exist and actually are getting busy for real. Done in a good way, it can heighten my experience.

 

At the same time, barebacking isn't a big turn on for me, so I think I'd vote for writing reality. There's always an option to write the story in another era or go for fantasy.

[clochette]

I'm like Puppilull, I like real stories with characters I can imagine meeting in real life.

 

And I think it depends a lot of the story you want to write, your characters.

 

Like are we talking about a couple in a committed relationship, someone who's kind of unconscious or just doesn't care of the dangers of unprotected sex...

 

Or are we taking about teenagers experiencing they're first time, someone doing one night stands and being careful...

 

And the act of putting on a condom on the partner can be like some kind of foreplay, a mean to touch each other one last time before the act itself.

 

But all this is my humble opinion as a reader

Edited January 29, 2016 by clochette

[Cia]

You'll find that most published contemporary eBooks do use safe sex as part of the relationship progression. For example, I've read where a pair of friends who were each other's firsts is always bareback with each other, but if either are in a relationship they use condoms for oral and anal sex (though only one friend was actually having anal sex with others). It highlighted and contrasted the intimacy of their relationship compared to the ones doomed to fail (friends to lovers to partners was an obvious trope in the plot). So in that case, condom use was very much a deliberate part of the storyline. Just as often, I've seen lack of condom use used as a way to portray irresponsible or drunken behavior, self-destructive behavior, abuse, rape, etc....

 

In a contemporary storyline, I agree with Clochette and Puppilull. It's not a turn off to have condoms used in the story because that's reality. Bareback sex in porn is very much a fantasy since the advent of the AIDS epidemic because there's no way these guys are walking in off the street and agreeing to have sex with another actor without assurances that both have been tested and are disease free. While it may show sex without condoms as more "raw and passionate" because the actors are so drawn to each other they are right into going down and dirty without a conversation first, that's just not realistic. When watching a scene, you know it's a script, it's just not real (we all know when amateur porn is shared online because that is soooo not the same production "quality" as a pornography show or film) so you're consciously suspending belief to enjoy a fantasy situation.

 

When reading a contemporary story, that suspension of belief is the opposite of what most readers, and writers, want. You want it to feel like these characters could live down the street from the readers, like they're people who we could say hello to on a daily basis. If you're portraying them in such a way that just doesn't make sense for the time and place, as if unprotected sex without consequence is the norm in today's society, it just doesn't work.

[Mikiesboy]

Hello everyone. Please be aware the below contains ideas and imagery of a sexual nature.

 

This is my first topic as an author here on GA, so first of all, thank you to everyone for being so friendly and welcoming, and secondly, apologies if this has already been discussed. But, it's a topic I've long been curious about since I started writing.

 

Safe sex in male to male erotic fiction. Hot or not?

 

Now, I won't lie, personally I prefer unprotected pornography, and having experienced both protected and unprotected sex, I find unprotected sex better. But, that doesn't mean I haven't enjoyed protected sex either. There have been many times in the past where putting on a condom, or putting one on someone else, has been thoroughly titillating.

 

However, when it comes to erotic fiction, where the reader is generally looking to escape reality, is it a wise idea to have your characters use protection when (sweeping statement alert) bareback is better?

 

Also, morally, I have an issue with encouraging unsafe sex. My motto in life is "as long as you're safe and not hurting anybody (against their will) go for gold". But economically, as a writer looking to eventually self-publish and sell, is having my characters use condoms a good idea?

 

Do readers assume unprotected sex is to perpetuate the fantasy, or do they think it perpetuates negative connotations about gay men and their sexual behaviour?

 

I've looked online and there are articles for and against. What do you think?

 

Thanks in advance,

Jack

Hi Jack, well condoms are smart and necessary and really, they don't hurt a well written sex scene at all. Both partners (assuming there are only two  ) know what's coming, and so it shouldn't be a turn off, but in fact a turn on as this is something you both want. 

 

Hope my two cents have helped.

 

tim

[Jack Ladd]

Hi everyone,

 

Sorry I've taken so long to get back to this thread. Isn't it crazy how time flies!

 

All in all I think we agree condoms and reality are what works, which is good news for me because that's what I'm going to aim for. Fingers crossed I can pull it off (pun not intended).

 

It's also really interesting to learn some insights into other people's preferences. For example I foolishly assumed everyone would be more interested in bareback over protected. Thank you for sharing, I love learning things every day

 

JL

Edited February 24, 2016 by Jack Ladd

[JamesSavik]

It beats a slap in the face with a cold, wet fish.

[The Pecman]

I think you can work a mention of condoms into a sex scene, but I wouldn't dwell on it. I also think there are circumstances where unsafe sex make more sense in very special circumstances. But I would also say that the same rules apply for straight erotica or gay erotica. A lot depends on the nature of the scene, and I don't think there are blanket rules that apply.

[Tiger]

I think you can mention the use of condoms without ruining the romance. The good thing about writing fantasy, as I so often do, condoms are unnecessary, because STIs do not exist in my fantasy world. I had started a modern teen romance. At some point I will probably rewrite it, and the characters will, of course, use condoms. In fact, I was recently thinking of that particular story, and it might actually be necessary. We'll see. I have another project I'm going to start. It will take research, and it might end up being an epic, and it will definitely be fantasy. 

[Dabeagle]

I think that 'setting an example' in this case has to take  backseat to telling the story. You have no idea who your readers are and if they'll notice that one line where your character tears open a condom wrapper. In general I tend to shy away from detail during an act, and so I tend to let something like that fall to the wayside.

 

That's not to say there is no place or that it should be ignored; rather that you should make those decisions on a case by case, scene by scene basis and decide what works for your story. Is your character worried about getting an STD? Or is that the point, that he gets one because of his lack of concern?

 

While I'd like to think that gay teens read my work and get something worthwhile from it, I know of none and can't, as a writer, take responsibility to write safe sex scene with the intent of educating someone.

Edited February 26, 2016 by Dabeagle

[Puppilull]

I think that 'setting an example' in this case has to take  backseat to telling the story. You have no idea who your readers are and if they'll notice that one line where your character tears open a condom wrapper. In general I tend to shy away from detail during an act, and so I tend to let something like that fall to the wayside.

 

That's not to say there is no place or that it should be ignored; rather that you should make those decisions on a case by case, scene by scene basis and decide what works for your story. Is your character worried about getting an STD? Or is that the point, that he gets one because of his lack of concern?

 

While I'd like to think that gay teems read my work and get something worthwhile from it, I know of none and can't, as a writer, take responsibility to write safe sex scene with the intent of educating someone.

I think that's a very good point. The story should dictate any mention of condoms or not. If they're not mentioned, that doesn't mean they aren't used. No education needed in every single instance.

 

I made a point about a character insisting on using a condom. Only afterwards did I realize it showed his caring nature, as he wasn't afraid to get anything but rather to pass on something, as he was much more 'out and about'. In that case, it fit the story being told.

[Ramune]

I was also going to say in a fantasy setting it doesn't make sense so I don't usually write about it. (Though someone has already said that XD) Though for me it's more realism of if it is a fantasy with a universe where they have no modern technology and still use horses and carts etc protection also won't exist...

 

For modern settings it all depends on the character, just like real life. Some people do, some people don't. I agree with Pupilull, I also usually use it to express to the reader what the person involved is like.

[LillyLee]

An example of how the situation decides if you should write in a condom:

 

I read this fantasy story where they were trapped in some hell dimension and ended up having sex for the first time. The dude pulls a condom out of his pocket.... that ruined it for me. It was a "hey we're about to die let's do this" situation. Who would bring a condom on that sort of trip? if you're so convinced your going to die would you really pull out a condom? They never had sex before, or even got close, so it made him look really presumptuous that he just happened to have a condom in his pocket. Now, granted, this wasn't an erotic fiction, but still, ruined the whole rest of the chapter for me. 

[Dayne Mora]

I have one couple that started with condoms, forgot once, then continued on without.  The other couple uses them religiously.

Barebacking can be used as a sign of commitment and intimacy between partners, as well as a manifestation of a character's recklessness.  Condom use can demonstrate a character's conscientiousness or could also be a sign of a character's promiscuity (ie - he sticks his manbits in any pretty piece he can get them in, or opens himself to any number of manbits, so he knows he has to wrap up!), or it could show how much a character cares about his partner's safety and health (even after their tests come back negative).  Then again, a character could insist on condoms because he likes to be neat and tidy (lets face it, sex is messy, but bareback is hella messy).

 

In either case, how the author handles the condom use dictates how hot or not hot it can be.  But, if you want a good example of hot sex not being derailed by condoms, check out the movie Don Jon.  Joseph Gordon Levitt (as writer/director/actor) did an amazing job with the condoms, and made it clear that they were in use in each and every sex scene.  They contributed to the awkwardness or steaminess when called for. 

The scene that really cinched for me was his sex scene with Julianne Moore at the climax. He had finally broken down about his fear of emotional intimacy, and she'd finally opened up about her grief over her husband and son's death. The sex was raw and emotional, something we'd normally associate with reckless, condomless sex, but Levitt and Moore handled it beautifully, demonstrating that one could be safe while still being passionate and raw.

 

Edited April 17, 2016 by Dayne Mora

[Lux Apollo]

For me, whether characters are having safe sex or not is irrelevant to whether or not the scene is hot. The turn-on or turn-off depends on context and how it is written into the scene. Safe sex practices can be used as a device or just a part of the descriptors of the scene. They can enhance or deplete eroticism. The behaviour of the characters, the way they interact with one another and to an extent with the condoms or whatever is what is most important.

 

Whether the writer chooses to have the characters having safe sex is entirely up to them, but I prefer that it follow some form of logic - is what the characters are doing consistent with their personality and level of knowledge about safe sex? What about the level of commitment in the relationship, and how long the relationship has lasted? Is safe sex consistent with the plot? 

 

I've felt at various times the need to put condoms and other safety things into erotic scenes as a form of responsibility as a writer - a passive form of education to the reader. As long as they make sense and aren't disrupting the flow of the scene (unless they are meant to be disruptive), that makes sense. At the same time, I've come to the conclusion that it is restricting to limit myself to safe sex between partners in my writing - and that I was being somewhat hypocritical once my partner and I decided to stop using condoms as a sign of our own commitment. Hygienic practices then take on a bigger role, I guess, and that can be written in as well when appropriate. 

[Krista]

A condom can represent the deepening of the relationship. You can center that.. a character going for a condom and some lube - in a very anticipatory way. Sex is a state of mind as well. A condom, used in a story, can act as a reassurance on top of an affirmation that the progression of the relationship has reached that level. If one makes it more than a.. "pause in the action" and allows it to be part of the over all symbolism in the act itself.. I can see it heightening the sex scene instead of putting a bit of a wet blanket over it.

 

Condoms vs. barebacking - Bare has almost become a sort of fetish. It is common place for a condom to be used. Especially if the relationship is "coming of age," or "the first time."

 

So like others have said, it depends on the overall picture of the story. If your characters are "next door neighbor" types, and the setting is lighter w/out darker themes such as Rape, etc. A condom wouldn't detract from the story at all, it would add realistic elements to it. If the story is darker, where risky sex, rape, etc is where the story is directed towards, a condom may not be used and it wouldn't detract from the story.

 

I wouldn't mind exploring a character that is risky when it comes to sex being turned off by the use of a condom. I think that would be a nice character study for me, since most of my characters are "the boy next door" types, that don't mind using condoms.

 

To sum up though, for me, a break in the action to slide on the condom and the knowledge of the condom being used doesn't make the scene any more or less hot.

[Brayon]

I've written a few sex scenes for my stories, I've published here on GA. All of them have been condomless. Just personal preference. However, I have several non-published ones, where they are used between the partners. To me, it's less about societal norms, and more about the story and the characters in the story. Also, a number of my sex scenes happen off-stage and well use your imagination as to what they do. 😉

 

[Sam Wyer]

I think that both options can work in a good sex scene.  I prefer to go with what feels like the best contextusal fit - taking account of the characters an the circumstances at the time.  But I know from personal expereionbce that some readers have problems with this.  Personally - I decided that I’m not here to actively push a moral or political view, just to write stories.  Sometime there is a crossover, sometimes not.

[AusGlitterati]

In fiction I have absolutely no preference one way or the other if a character is worried about safety with a new partner, then that's awesome. If the two long-term boyfriends wanna play without it, then good on them! If it's not established whether it's safe sex or not, I usually just imagine that it's not. Saying that's a preference is a bit far fetched but that's where my head goes.  

[BigBen]

In real life, using condoms can be either erotic or a mood-killer, so no reason that using condoms in fiction can't work the same.  And the feel of being sheathed can be fun, as well.  You might want to describe that, sometime.  My ex and I eventually decided to dispense with the condoms, and yet we occasionally would use one after that simply because there's a bit less mess, so cleanup is easier.

Though I've never seen a realistic cleanup scene in this type of fiction.  In fact, the only cleaning up I see in stories comes when there's so much spooge everywhere that only a shower is enough to take care of it.  I suppose having your characters clean themselves off with a tissue or two just doesn't have enough impact.  Though it would for me, because I'm not a big fan of the only-six-orgasms-each-is-enough school of porn.

Edited January 30, 2021 by BigBen

[Ryan Jones]

Most of my stories have sex scenes in them and I can count the number of condoms used in them on one hand.

Of course a lot of the stories I've written are based in the 1970s and 1980s before the prevalence of HIV but still, even ones that aren't defined within a certain time don't have condom usage.

If you ever take a look at all the guys posting on Twitter, trying to hawk their OnlyFans site, there's practically no condom usage with whatever partners they are using. It seems that the Grindr boys I've met are not bothered to use condoms either. I'm not sure exactly of the reason but I think it has to do with how many people are on the pRep medications.

Personally? I'm in a committed relationship, therefore no condoms but even before that I never used them.

I am a bit turned off when I'm reading a story and action halts while someone puts on the raincoat!

[BigBen]

The porn companies that produce barebacking videos do rigorous testing on their performers.  Lance Hart, an actor and producer, said in an interview on Buzzfeed that the people involved in porn using safe-sex practices think the barebackers are insane, and vice versa.  To each his own, I guess.

I must say that, in this disease-ridden day and age, not to engage in safe sex is, in most circumstances, wildly irresponsible.  I remember the advent of AIDS and how heartbreakingly many people I lost in the course of just a few years.  To think that using condoms could probably have saved most of those guys, if only we'd known, is just sickening.  But we never knew there was a risk, alas!

Edited February 7, 2021 by BigBen

[W_L]

For me:

Testing is big, I am an advocate on this point, having characters tested, the type of sex you are writing will impact things. You really need to for both characters sake and it makes sense on a realism factor.

Condom maybe for certain stories, but preferably not if your characters know each other well.

Sex is supposed to be fun, but there's also an amount of trust and reality that must take place before and after it. Safe sex to me within a story isn't about the act of protecting yourself, but should be the act of protecting each other as a prerequisite for love/romance. When both people are sexually active or were before their relationship in the story, it makes a lot of sense. It's why I wrote 2 separate instances of testing for my characters in Comforting Touch series, despite both wanting to have uninhibited sex, it's a matter of mutual trust and care that they want it done.

PS: I do recognize that some condoms are also sexual paraphernalia as well, i.e. ridge condoms are meant to stimulate prostate gland, so there's dual utility for "safe sex" instrument and exploring new ways to "play". That to me is hot, but may not to everyone else.

 

[Larry91]

Safety concerns mainly drive condom use. The condom itself is very rarely a fetish, and I would not focus on it. Since the conditions of the story are set by you personally, I would prefer sex without a condom. In my opinion, it is much more sensual and symbolizes some kind of trust between people. Although, you need to understand what you want to talk about. If you need to start a drama somehow, you can portray ignoring the condom as a prerequisite for something terrible. There is another option with putting a condom on such toys https://lovermart.com/product/au-naturel-9-5-inches-sensa-feel-magnum-dong-beige/ and further masturbation. But, again, it all depends on the main idea.

Edited April 24, 2021 by Larry91

[BigBen]

I suddenly realized that there's an underlying assumption in this thread that all sex is going to be anal sex.  Fully half the gay male couples I know find anal sex uninteresting or unpleasant; their lovemaking is exclusively oral.  Yet in every story on this site where two male characters have sex, that sex is always anal.  Oral sex, when described, is always a prelude to "real sex" or "making love."  I sometimes wonder how our lesbian sisters feel about this idea that only anal penetration constitutes "real sex."