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Just a small selection,


Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.


I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.


My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.


I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.


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Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "I’m sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No… I just feel bad that you're standing alone…"

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just a few more,


After the helicopter crash, the blond pilot was asked what happened. She replied, "It was getting chilly in there, so I turned the fan off."


Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"


I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

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Two crows were flying along slowly minding their own business enjoying the scenery, when all of a sudden out of the blue an F/A-18E/F Super Hornet goes screaming past, barely missing the now somersaulting, and wildly flapping crows.

"Oh my God!" exclaims one crow in surprise. "He was sure moving!"

The other crow replies: "I reckon you would be too if you had two backsides and both of them were alight!"


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I apologise to all blondes, lol,


Blonde: What does IDK stand for? 
Brunette: I don’t know 
Blonde: Why doesn’t anyone know!


Why can't a blonde dial 911? She can't find the eleven.


How come it takes so long to build a blonde snowman? Because you have to hollow out the head.


What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box? "Omg, donut seeds!"


Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, 'It’s dark in here isn’t it?' The other replied, 'I don’t know; I can’t see.'

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