shadowgod Posted November 17, 2006 Share Posted November 17, 2006 OK, I'll give another spoiler for the next chapter: it contains words. So the hand drawn picture chapter, featuring stick figures with vastly disproprtionate body parts, was a lie? Steve Link to comment
EMoe57 Posted November 17, 2006 Share Posted November 17, 2006 As for the car... shhhhhhh!!!! But I like the car - its so pretty and its going to be ~ no, I'd better not say. That dammed postaholic, CJ will get me! Link to comment
DarkShadow Posted November 17, 2006 Share Posted November 17, 2006 i DON'T appreciate you using me for obscene examples... Birds LOL sorry about that hun. I didn't even think of you when I wrote those words I'll have to work on my politically correct animal terminology in the future. Take care! --- As for you Goat. I loved chapter 2!!! It was so sweet! Flowed well, everything seemed to drop into place better than I would have ever hoped. Now... time to take cafe of that little monster of a brother! Link to comment
C James Posted November 17, 2006 Author Share Posted November 17, 2006 So the hand drawn picture chapter, featuring stick figures with vastly disproprtionate body parts, was a lie? Steve Shhhh!!! That was supposed to be a secret... I'll have you know that poor Emoe worked for many hours on that chapter, before he finally noticed that there were no words at all in the chapter. But I like the car - its so pretty and its going to be ~ no, I'd better not say. That dammed postaholic, CJ will get me! What? Me? A postaholic? Surely no one would ever beleive that a shy, quiet, and retiring forum lurker like myself could ever be a postaholic? As for the car... Well, Y'all will find out soon enough. As for you Goat. I loved chapter 2!!! It was so sweet! Flowed well, everything seemed to drop into place better than I would have ever hoped. Thank you!!! Now... time to take cafe of that little monster of a brother! I really don't understand why everyone is so down on poor, sweet little Eric. Link to comment
DarkShadow Posted November 17, 2006 Share Posted November 17, 2006 I really don't understand why everyone is so down on poor, sweet little Eric. I want that boy's head on a stick! Link to comment
Site Administrator Graeme Posted November 17, 2006 Site Administrator Share Posted November 17, 2006 Surely no one would ever beleive that a shy, quiet, and retiring forum lurker like myself could ever be a postaholic? Well, I know one person who wouldn't believe it... or should that be one goat? As for the car... Well, Y'all will find out soon enough. I haven't seen/read a good car romance since the Pixar animation Cars. I hope the car finds it's soulmate and they go cruising off into the sunset... I really don't understand why everyone is so down on poor, sweet little Eric. Eric is a really nice character. He's the sort of person that makes Josef Stalin look like a saint. Link to comment
DarkShadow Posted November 17, 2006 Share Posted November 17, 2006 Well, I know one person who wouldn't believe it... or should that be one goat? I haven't seen/read a good car romance since the Pixar animation Cars. I hope the car finds it's soulmate and they go cruising off into the sunset... Eric is a really nice character. He's the sort of person that makes Josef Stalin look like a saint. You slay me Graeme! Link to comment
C James Posted November 19, 2006 Author Share Posted November 19, 2006 I really don't understand why everyone is so down on poor, sweet little Eric. I want that boy's head on a stick! And I tried to make him so endearing.... Well, I know one person who wouldn't believe it... or should that be one goat? I keep telling everyone: I'm just a quiet, shy, retiring forum lurker... It even says so in my profile. I haven't seen/read a good car romance since the Pixar animation Cars. I hope the car finds it's soulmate and they go cruising off into the sunset... Eric is a really nice character. He's the sort of person that makes Josef Stalin look like a saint. I can't say more about upcoming chapters (Emoe might find out and hurt me again). But we do learn more about the car soon. Oh, and don't forget Beelzebub, the cat. Link to comment
C James Posted November 21, 2006 Author Share Posted November 21, 2006 Chapter 3, which is entitled "Get the Rope", is now up. Link to comment
Site Administrator Graeme Posted November 21, 2006 Site Administrator Share Posted November 21, 2006 Gee, that was a fun read. So much different from the previous chapters. All very realistic and fun. I'm looking forward to what happens next -- more to see what twists you put in because the overall direction of the story is becoming clearer. My only disappointment is that my favourite character didn't make an appearance -- and that's two chapters in a row, now! I know we're not supposed to demand things of authors, but I think Steve's car needs a higher profile.... Link to comment
DarkShadow Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 Chapter 3, which is entitled "Get the Rope", is now up. "OOO OOO OOO!" Heheheh ! Yes that is the actual sound I made when I saw this post... So.... I"m going to post my comments as I read! Alrighty, got the music going, got the incense going. I have the rest of what I need and some lovely orange air freshener! Time to begin! YES! I like Steve's parents WHAT! WTF is this!-- Steve filled me in on his plan, finished by rubbing his hands together, vengeance on his mind. I told him "Yeah, sounds like a plan. That would sure solve our problems. I'm in." LOL See... now that is just not right! (phrasing... ) grinned at that. "Hey Steve" I smirked "now (that) we are (we're?) boyfriends, does that mean I can stare at your chest as much as I like, and not have to worry about you catching me doing it?" He began to do mine, too, and the feeling was incredible. - He did you too? (He began to touch mine?) Okay screw editor mode.. read read read! damn you. --You've got some tense issues here... I close and lock Steve's door, and lean back against it, folding my arms across my bare chest as Steve slowly sits up on his bed. Eric sees me, and his eyes go wide for a moment. He turns back to Steve, "I'll tell him; I swear I will!" (I closed and locked Steve's door, leaned back against it, and folded my arms across my bare chest. Steve sat up slowly on his bed. Eric glanced in my direction. His eyes went wide for a brief moment before turning back to Steve. "I'll tell him; I swear I will!") Maybe? Steve slowly, casually stands up and stretches, puffs out his bare, tan, muscular chest, crosses his arms, and then faces Eric, "Tell him what, Eric?" (we've got slowly here which is a personal hated word of mine...) (Steve moved snakelike, causually rose to his feet, streched, and puffed out his tan muscular bare chest. He turned facing Eric, "Tell him what, Eric?") Maybe? Okay... you get the idea... lol Read you cow! --- thanks to you, and(or) we would have --- grrrr... thanks to you, and we would have been together months ago if not for you messing with our heads (thanks to you! If it weren't for you messing with our heads, we would have been together months ago!) ---- Ohhhh you are a right bastard!!! I can't believe you left me hanging again! I loved it Goat! You absolutely slay me. Link to comment
C James Posted November 22, 2006 Author Share Posted November 22, 2006 Gee, that was a fun read. So much different from the previous chapters. All very realistic and fun. I'm looking forward to what happens next -- more to see what twists you put in because the overall direction of the story is becoming clearer. My only disappointment is that my favourite character didn't make an appearance -- and that's two chapters in a row, now! I know we're not supposed to demand things of authors, but I think Steve's car needs a higher profile.... So much different from the previous chapters? LoL, yep things did start off a bit dark. But, ummm, I hope you don't think they will all be lighthearted from now on. I probably shouldn't mention this, but, um, the title of the next chapter is "Necktie party". Fear not! The car will be back in chapter 5!! Thank you Graeme!!! "OOO OOO OOO!" Heheheh ! Yes that is the actual sound I made when I saw this post... So.... I"m going to post my comments as I read! Alrighty, got the music going, got the incense going. I have the rest of what I need and some lovely orange air freshener! Time to begin! YES! I like Steve's parents WHAT! WTF is this!-- Steve filled me in on his plan, finished by rubbing his hands together, vengeance on his mind. I told him "Yeah, sounds like a plan. That would sure solve our problems. I'm in." LOL See... now that is just not right! What? You didn't expect me to divulge the plan, now did ya? Poor Eric... (phrasing... ) grinned at that. "Hey Steve" I smirked "now (that) we are (we're?) boyfriends, does that mean I can stare at your chest as much as I like, and not have to worry about you catching me doing it?" He began to do mine, too, and the feeling was incredible. - He did you too? (He began to touch mine?) Okay screw editor mode.. read read read! damn you. Oops!! I goofed there. In fact, I have a nasty feeling that I sent the wrong copy to my editor. I re-worked it a bit after my wonderful beta reader, Shdowgod, read it, and then sent it to Emoe. However, I did it in two stages and may have bungled it and sent poor Emoe the wrong one (with only a few changes). Well, if I suddenly disappear and you hear Emoe complaining about having a freezer full of leftover BBQ'd Goat, y'all will know what happened.... :fire: --You've got some tense issues here... I close and lock Steve's door, and lean back against it, folding my arms across my bare chest as Steve slowly sits up on his bed. Eric sees me, and his eyes go wide for a moment. He turns back to Steve, "I'll tell him; I swear I will!" (I closed and locked Steve's door, leaned back against it, and folded my arms across my bare chest. Steve sat up slowly on his bed. Eric glanced in my direction. His eyes went wide for a brief moment before turning back to Steve. "I'll tell him; I swear I will!") Maybe? Yipes! That one really got by me!! Up until about chapter 4, this story is largely based (including some entire passages) on one I wrote years ago. It was written in the present tense. Oops!! I'll add this to my list of things to fix. THANKS!!!!!! Steve slowly, casually stands up and stretches, puffs out his bare, tan, muscular chest, crosses his arms, and then faces Eric, "Tell him what, Eric?" (we've got slowly here which is a personal hated word of mine...) (Steve moved snakelike, causually rose to his feet, streched, and puffed out his tan muscular bare chest. He turned facing Eric, "Tell him what, Eric?") Maybe? Hmmmm... Snakelike? That just doesn't describe what I was trying to convey. Is there a better way to describe someone slowly and casually standing up? Opinions anyone? Please?? Okay... you get the idea... lol Read you cow! --- thanks to you, and(or) we would have --- grrrr... thanks to you, and we would have been together months ago if not for you messing with our heads (thanks to you! If it weren't for you messing with our heads, we would have been together months ago!) I like your wording for that better than what I had. Thanks!! I'll see if I can get the revised chapter online tonight. Ohhhh you are a right bastard!!! I can't believe you left me hanging again! I loved it Goat! You absolutely slay me. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment
shadowgod Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 thanks to you, and we would have been together months ago if not for you messing with our heads (thanks to you! If it weren't for you messing with our heads, we would have been together months ago!) Alright, the wording is better, But I would only use one of those exclamations, if any. I read somewhere that your only allowed around four per 100,000 words... Beside you can relay excitement through action and narration. Steve Link to comment
Matthew Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 (edited) Another great chapter C James. Parts of it seemed a bit overdramatic, like rubbing their hands together after the sinister plot, but overall it was really good. Alright, the wording is better, But I would only use one of those exclamations, if any. I read somewhere that your only allowed around four per 100,000 words... Beside you can relay excitement through action and narration. Steve Allowed? By whom? I hate "rules" like that. There are no hard and fast rules like this because some writing wouldn't need that many, and some would need much more. It depends on the style, POV, and subject matter. Certainly one should use more exclamation marks than "allowed" before making awkward long sentences. Edited November 22, 2006 by Matthew Link to comment
shadowgod Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 (edited) Another great chapter C James. Parts of it seemed a bit overdramatic, like rubbing their hands together after the sinister plot, but overall it was really good.Allowed? By whom? I hate "rules" like that. There are no hard and fast rules like this because some writing wouldn't need that many, and some would need much more. It depends on the style, POV, and subject matter. Certainly one should use more exclamation marks than "allowed" before making awkward long sentences. Very true... but if the same goal can be achieved through action. It would be better suited for the reader. Why imply action when you can show it? (thanks to you! If it weren't for you messing with our heads, we would have been together months ago!) *thanks to you," he shouted, "If it weren't for you messing wih our heads, we would have been together months ago." Edited to include example... Edited November 22, 2006 by shdowgod Link to comment
Site Administrator Graeme Posted November 22, 2006 Site Administrator Share Posted November 22, 2006 Steve slowly, casually stands up and stretches, puffs out his bare, tan, muscular chest, crosses his arms, and then faces Eric, "Tell him what, Eric?" (we've got slowly here which is a personal hated word of mine...) (Steve moved snakelike, causually rose to his feet, streched, and puffed out his tan muscular bare chest. He turned facing Eric, "Tell him what, Eric?") Maybe? Hmmmm... Snakelike? That just doesn't describe what I was trying to convey. Is there a better way to describe someone slowly and casually standing up? Opinions anyone? Please?? Casually implies slowly, so, fixing tenses at the same time: Steve rose casually to his feet, stretched, and puffed out his tanned, muscular chest. He turned and faced his brother. "Tell him what, Eric?"Does that read better? I hate "rules" like that. There are no hard and fast rules like this because some writing wouldn't need that many, and some would need much more. It depends on the style, POV, and subject matter. Certainly one should use more exclamation marks than "allowed" before making awkward long sentences. Correct! However, the "rule" was introduced because people overdid it! When they get excited, they like to show it! It's just not necessary! Most of the time the words show the excitement/drama! The time to use exclamation points is when you want emphasis, or when the words may portray something different otherwise! It's only a guideline and one I ignore. What I try to do is to look at what is written and work out if an exclamation point adds anything to what's said. I try to avoid too many in a row because it looks odd and if it looks odd to me, the author, then it'll almost certainly look odd to a reader AND take them out of the mood of the story. If I'm doing my job properly, they shouldn't even notice they are there! Just my opinion, of course. Link to comment
C James Posted November 22, 2006 Author Share Posted November 22, 2006 thanks to you, and we would have been together months ago if not for you messing with our heads(thanks to you! If it weren't for you messing with our heads, we would have been together months ago!) Alright, the wording is better, But I would only use one of those exclamations, if any. I read somewhere that your only allowed around four per 100,000 words... Beside you can relay excitement through action and narration. Steve I know I've used too many of the things, especially in chapter 2. I did try and take some out. Hmmmm... How about "thanks to you," Steve moved closer, and yelled furiously in Eric's face "you blackmailing piece of s***, becuase if it weren't for you messing with our heads, we would have been together months ago!" I did retain the exclamation mark at the end, becuase I think it is more appropriate there than most anywhere else in the chapter. I do agree thoguh that there were too many in the chapter. Another great chapter C James. Parts of it seemed a bit overdramatic, like rubbing their hands together after the sinister plot, but overall it was really good. Thanks Matthew!!!!!!! I hate "rules" like that. There are no hard and fast rules like this because some writing wouldn't need that many, and some would need much more. It depends on the style, POV, and subject matter. Certainly one should use more exclamation marks than "allowed" before making awkward long sentences. I may be wrong, but my own preference is that they are more appropriate in emotionally-charged dialog, so I tend to be liberal with them there (too liberal). I just did a word count and found 29 of them in chapter 3, which is way too much IMHO. As a counter example, chapter 6 of "living in Surreality" had a lot of action and emotion, and has all of two. Very true... but if the same goal can be achieved through action. It would be better suited for the reader. Why imply action when you can show it? (thanks to you! If it weren't for you messing with our heads, we would have been together months ago!) *thanks to you," he shouted, "If it weren't for you messing with our heads, we would have been together months ago." Edited to include example... Telling rather than showing has been a recurring problem for me (as Steve can attest) so this is something I am working on improving. :ranger: Link to comment
C James Posted November 22, 2006 Author Share Posted November 22, 2006 Hi Graeme! Looks like we cross-posted!! Strange how that only happens to postaholics like you! Hmmmm... Snakelike? That just doesn't describe what I was trying to convey. Is there a better way to describe someone slowly and casually standing up? Opinions anyone? Please?? Casually implies slowly, so, fixing tenses at the same time: Does that read better? YES! Much better! Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( <------ umm, speaking of my penchant for over-using exclamation marks... ) Correct! However, the "rule" was introduced because people overdid it! When they get excited, they like to show it! It's just not necessary! Most of the time the words show the excitement/drama! The time to use exclamation points is when you want emphasis, or when the words may portray something different otherwise! It's only a guideline and one I ignore. What I try to do is to look at what is written and work out if an exclamation point adds anything to what's said. I try to avoid too many in a row because it looks odd and if it looks odd to me, the author, then it'll almost certainly look odd to a reader AND take them out of the mood of the story. If I'm doing my job properly, they shouldn't even notice they are there! Just my opinion, of course. Good point. I'll try and cut down. I still like them in highly-charged dialog, but I do think I use way too many. I'll see if I can cut it in half for the next chapter (which is longer). Thanks!!!! ( <---- I only promised to cut done in the story!!!) Link to comment
Site Administrator Graeme Posted November 22, 2006 Site Administrator Share Posted November 22, 2006 Hmmmm... How about "thanks to you," Steve moved closer, and yelled furiously in Eric's face "you blackmailing piece of s***, becuase if it weren't for you messing with our heads, we would have been together months ago!" Okay, since we're talking fine detail -- is there any way to yell other than furiously? Also, your editor would probably appreciate it if you spelt because correctly. but if you insist I'm sure he'll allow it. Seriously, though, I used to make heavy use of adverbs (the ...ly words) and I've working hard to try to eliminate as many as I could. They are needed whenever the words/actions don't match the intent ("Eric's a bastard," Steve said proudly), but otherwise I've been advised to use other ways to describe the scene: "Thanks to you," Steve stepped forward, his face going red with fury, "you blackmailing piece of s***...." One point I've been working on first is the elimination of the unnecessary adverbs, such as 'furiously' in the sentence above. Working to change the words so the adverb is unnecessary is the second thing, but that's a lot harder. If I can't think of a way quickly, I tend to put it in and move on -- I don't want to hold up a story because of one sentence. Edit: And yes, we've cross posted again. My understanding is that it takes two postaholics to cross post regularly, but I could be wrong.... The fact that my post above was 20 minutes before yours has nothing to do with it. Link to comment
shadowgod Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 I may be wrong, but my own preference is that they are more appropriate in emotionally-charged dialog, so I tend to be liberal with them there (too liberal). I just did a word count and found 29 of them in chapter 3, which is way too much IMHO. As a counter example, chapter 6 of "living in Surreality" had a lot of action and emotion, and has all of two. You should have seen the plethora I cut in the rewrite Link to comment
DarkShadow Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 Well.. typos.. grammar, rewrites aside... I liked it! You can have the worst story written well and never like it. You can have the best story... written... roughly... and yeah... I'd read it. By the way... those were spoiler stuffs lol... I did't want to ruin it for the other victims! Errr.. readers. Link to comment
shadowgod Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 Well.. typos.. grammar, rewrites aside... I liked it! You can have the worst story written well and never like it. You can have the best story... written... roughly... and yeah... I'd read it. By the way... those were spoiler stuffs lol... I did't want to ruin it for the other victims! Errr.. readers. Victims..... my thoughts exactly JK, you know I love where the story is going CJ, and ya know what they say a diamond in the rough is still a diamond Steve Link to comment
C James Posted November 22, 2006 Author Share Posted November 22, 2006 Okay, since we're talking fine detail -- is there any way to yell other than furiously? Also, your editor would probably appreciate it if you spelt because correctly. but if you insist I'm sure he'll allow it. Oops. Fortunately for Emoe, I do a spelling check and grammar review before sending him chapters (and things still slip through). It could be worse for him though: I might be Australian and thus have a penchant for putting "u's" in strange places. Seriously, though, I used to make heavy use of adverbs (the ...ly words) and I've working hard to try to eliminate as many as I could. They are needed whenever the words/actions don't match the intent ("Eric's a bastard," Steve said proudly), but otherwise I've been advised to use other ways to describe the scene: "Thanks to you," Steve stepped forward, his face going red with fury, "you blackmailing piece of s***...." I like it!!!! Thank you!! I'll also try and keep that in mind when writing. Thanks! Edit: And yes, we've cross posted again. My understanding is that it takes two postaholics to cross post regularly, but I could be wrong.... The fact that my post above was 20 minutes before yours has nothing to do with it. Well, you see it's like this: I post so rarely that it takes me a very long time to post, so the 20 minutes is quite understandable. You should have seen the plethora I cut in the rewrite The most I've ever cut in a re-write is 7000 words. That was in a chapter with 7006 words. I shall at the very least endeavour to keep the number of exclamation points below the number of words. Link to comment
Xiao_Chun Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 I had so much fun reading this chapter; I am a big fan of revenge, and revenge hasn't even started yet. I would gladly confront Eric on the Jerry Springer show Besides revenge, I am kinda curious about Eric. There has to be an explanation of his behavior, and my desire to understand him is now even greater than my desire to see him die a slow death. I don't know if that is the response that C James had planned, but I do want to know more about him. I can't wait to see what will happen next. Awesome job C James. Hugs, Michael. P.S., when I was talking about the Jerry Springer show, I had in mind the Russian version of it. Here, watch a clip. Link to comment
C James Posted November 22, 2006 Author Share Posted November 22, 2006 Well.. typos.. grammar, rewrites aside... I liked it! You can have the worst story written well and never like it. You can have the best story... written... roughly... and yeah... I'd read it. By the way... those were spoiler stuffs lol... I did't want to ruin it for the other victims! Errr.. readers. Thanks for the spoiler spaces, but I figure that if the reader has waded this deep into the thread they will have seen plenty already. LoL But, you never know... I'm definitly trying to improve on the writing side, and all of the comments are helping a LOT! Victims..... my thoughts exactly JK, you know I love where the story is going CJ, and ya know what they say a diamond in the rough is still a diamond Steve Heh, I've been cross-posting a lot tonight! I didn't see your or Dark Shadows' posts until quite a bit after I posted! LoL! I'm working on the re-write for chapter 3 as well as chapters 4, 5, & 6. I definitly want it to be a little less rough than it has been. LoL! BTW, I'd like to be very serious here for a second and tell everyone: In the credits at the bottom of the story, I say something that I really mean: "All remaining errors are mine alone". I say it becuase it is true. I always make changes after both Steve (my Beta reader) and Emoe (my editor) see the chapter, so any errors in any chapter are my responsibility and mine alone. I had so much fun reading this chapter; I am a big fan of revenge, and revenge hasn't even started yet. I would gladly confront Eric on the Jerry Springer show Besides revenge, I am kinda curious about Eric. There has to be an explanation of his behavior, and my desire to understand him is now even greater than my desire to see him die a slow death. I don't know if that is the response that C James had planned, but I do want to know more about him. Thank you Michael! I'm afraid that you will have to wait a few chapters for more background on Eric. I'm not saying that he will still be breathing at that point in the story, but we will find out more about him. Link to comment
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