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I've just uploaded my first story here and quite frankly I'm a bit nervous as to how it will be recieved here. It's a finished short story, NC-17, with pretty heavy duty topics.

 

I hope you'll like. You can find it at:

 

eFiction > Fantasy > Other

 

and make sure to read the original online disclaimer at the top of the actual story.

I hope you'll like, it's unusual as Fantasy genre stories go.

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I wanted to drop you a note to let you know that I'll be reading more as soon as I'm able. I've gone through the first few pages and I have to say I like the story. I've been neglecting my own writing so I have GOT to get some work done tonight. When I feel that I've accomplished something and should be going to bed, I'll probably swing back by ;)

 

First, I would suggest requesting an editor here:

https://www.gayauthors.org/forums/index.php?showforum=8

 

There are MANY great editors on this site, and I found 'amazingly fast' how badly I needed one when I started. The edits teach us how much grammar and spelling we've forgotten over the years. (and I"ve forgotten a LOT!) The editors help so much with reteaching what we've killed off since our years at school.

 

Try not to be discouraged by criticism and slow replies. It takes people a while to get through their promised reading schedule. It takes more time to continue our own writing, editing, etc etc.

 

I've also sent you an email with some basic suggestions etc etc regarding page one. If you have Word... download the little file and take a gander. Please keep in mind it's only suggestion and something to consider. We each have our own style and way of doing things, so no person's way is ever the 'only' way of doing a thing.

 

On that note... I hope to get back to your story soon, but promise it will be either tonight or tomorrow!

 

Take care green guy!

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Hey I hope you'll enjoy the read!

 

Thanks a bunch for the editing example. Indeed, the initial response is to recoil, but some smoothening of the storyline indeed may be in order.

 

>>reteaching what we've killed off since our years at school.

 

LOL actually I'm Dutch, so English is a second language to me. It feels a bit presumptuous for me to boldly ask for an editor, being a newbie and all. If that is the way the site works then perhaps I should ask though. It's new to me.

 

I'd really appreciate your opinion on the story, but by all means pick the right time to read it.

It might be a bit heavy before sleeping though.

 

>>Take care green guy!

 

Bless you to!

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Hey I hope you'll enjoy the read!

 

Thanks a bunch for the editing example. Indeed, the initial response is to recoil, but some smoothening of the storyline indeed may be in order.

 

>>reteaching what we've killed off since our years at school.

 

LOL actually I'm Dutch, so English is a second language to me. It feels a bit presumptuous for me to boldly ask for an editor, being a newbie and all. If that is the way the site works then perhaps I should ask though. It's new to me.

 

I'd really appreciate your opinion on the story, but by all means pick the right time to read it.

It might be a bit heavy before sleeping though.

 

>>Take care green guy!

 

Bless you to!

 

With English being your second language, I think you do extremely well! If you intend on writing more, and enjoy writing, then I don't see where there would ever be any harm in asking for an editor. Actually, if if you don't continue to write, though I hope you do, I'm sure there are beginning editors, that souldn't mind sharpening their skills and working with you.

 

It is all a learning process and that seems to be one of the major points of this site. This is a great place to cultivate ideas, get opinions from a wide variety of people, and do it in a friendly environment that will display our work. So.. if you would like an editor, I see no harm in asking ;)

 

Take care and I'll finish you story today as I promised!

 

Later!

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Allll righty then! I read it.

 

I'm going to start by saying, that I'm not into S&M, sadism, or golden showers. The idea of drinking urine makes me want to wretch (and I nearly did). So... this really isn't a story for me.

 

For someone into those things, I think they would absolutely LOVE this story.

 

You've got really good character development here, and the beginnings of a very versitile plot. I get the impression that you intended this to be a jerk off story, and if that was you goal, you succeeded. If you post this on nifty, I am certain you would receive throngs of emails begging for you next submission.

 

Your sentences are often a bit long. You should split them up. If a sentence can be separated into two, your best option is to do so. Not every time or you'll risk sounding stilted and abrupt, but enough that you don't take an mental breath at finally finding a period.

 

You turned the tables on the guy toward the end which was a pleasant surprise, though when the 'friends' arrived it kind of rang out 'porno' to me.

 

If it were me, I'd shave off 3/4 of the sex and write a second chapter. Maybe finally have Oclac meet someone who's 'into' that sort of thing and have them build a relationship. I guess my biggest hang up was that you started this story out so robust and ended it with a cumshot. (so to speak)

 

On another side of things, there's a danger of losing the reader if it is too hard for them to get through dialogue. Accents are difficult to maintain and even more difficult to decipher when they are too thick. It makes it tedius to read and follow the story. I'd suggest lightening up on them a bit.

 

All of this is of course just my opinion. You've got a lot of potential and I'd like to see more writing from you. The dialogue between the shop owner and the orcs where they described the different types of orcs and methods of maintaining the peace was fabulous. You gave all of your characters so much depth it made me really like them.. Well... except for Vozall. Didn't care for him much though he did come around at the end.

 

So... I hope to leave you on a good note, and please take my more critical words with a grain of salt. I think you write well and show amazing potential. This just wasn't my kind of 'topic'.

 

Take care!

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>>I get the impression that you intended this to be a jerk off story

 

You make it sound so cheap :(

 

True, it was intended to be a story with heavy erotic emphasis, Most of my stories are. There however is a lot of meaningful content you did not pick up on. It is the inner conflict and inner homophobia of Vozall, and his subsequent liberation which is at the heart of the story, a transformation from the repressed rigidity of what essentially is a racist gaybasher into a whole person, in tune with his feelings. There's a lot of detail which you missed, which ofcourse is my problem as the writer :mellow:

 

But you're right: theres a juicy layer of hardcore pr0n throughout, but the disclaimer was clear about that!

 

>>If it were me, I'd shave off 3/4 of the sex and write a second chapter.

 

Unthinkable! You'd be amazed how many story elements are interconnected even in the most trivial aspects, part of the joy of writing.

 

About the technical points, I agree on that. There's already a huge barrier for people to empathize with non-human protagonists, the language barrier and long sentences to make it harder to "go with it".

 

Thanks for your elaborate review and honesty, I really appreciate it!

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>>I get the impression that you intended this to be a jerk off story

 

You make it sound so cheap :(

 

I'm sorry I gave you that impression. I'm trying to be gentle here. I guess what seemed so odd to me, was that you gave so much development to the characters and then gave the reader a 'free for all'.

 

42 pages for me is not enough to make a link into the psychie of this depth. Don't you think the same could have been accomplished with a less graphic representation? Is the sex and domination, and submlimation a necessity in a play by play view of this fashion?

 

If you think it is, then that's all there is to it. It's your story and you are entitled to write it any way you like!

 

I've read stories like this before that were stretched out. Even though I didn't care for all of the 'topic' I LOVED the story. Ann Rice wrote a sleeping beauty series under the pseudoname of A. N. Roquelaure. It is absolutely fabulous and where I think you could be with very little work ;)

 

True, it was intended to be a story with heavy erotic emphasis, Most of my stories are. There however is a lot of meaningful content you did not pick up on. It is the inner conflict and inner homophobia of Vozall, and his subsequent liberation which is at the heart of the story, a transformation from the repressed rigidity of what essentially is a racist gaybasher into a whole person, in tune with his feelings. There's a lot of detail which you missed, which ofcourse is my problem as the writer :mellow:

 

But you're right: theres a juicy layer of hardcore pr0n throughout, but the disclaimer was clear about that!

I don't have any issues about it being graphic. I did feel the undercurrents and turmoil in the characters. I suppose the almost 'instant' reconciliation left me looking on as though it wasn't real. How can we give depth to something that is fixed in a matter of hours?

 

We all want to mirror the story we read. We want to find pieces of ourselves in the characters we read, and I feel, nothing this complicated could be so easily reconciled. Though... as I said... just my opinion. :) I'm certain others will have a completely different view of it.

 

>>If it were me, I'd shave off 3/4 of the sex and write a second chapter.

 

Unthinkable! You'd be amazed how many story elements are interconnected even in the most trivial aspects, part of the joy of writing.

 

About the technical points, I agree on that. There's already a huge barrier for people to empathize with non-human protagonists, the language barrier and long sentences to make it harder to "go with it".

 

Thanks for your elaborate review and honesty, I really appreciate it!

 

I'm sorry I didn't give you a gentler review. I did my best to be considerate to you and the story. As I said... ;) They were only my opinions and I'm not the best of writers. (not by a long shot) I was just doing my best to be honest, gentle, and to keep my promise.

 

Take care!

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I've just uploaded my first story here and quite frankly I'm a bit nervous as to how it will be recieved here. It's a finished short story, NC-17, with pretty heavy duty topics.

 

I hope you'll like. You can find it at:

 

eFiction > Fantasy > Other

 

and make sure to read the original online disclaimer at the top of the actual story.

I hope you'll like, it's unusual as Fantasy genre stories go.

 

 

First of all, I would say that it is not at all same as your second story, though there are hidden messages in both. I'm not saying that it was bad, just that it caught me by surprise.

 

I'm an amateur in language and style so I won't comment on that. I'll just say that for me, you write well and got potential.

 

I posted here as i saw Darkshadow's post. Like he, I advise you to post your story at Nifty. Not just because it's erotic but also because it got a huge base of readers. Nifty is not bad. Many writers started there. as a writer I advise you to target maximum readers and get maximum feedback,

 

Hope my comments helped you.

 

Ieshwar

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Hey there! I've been away for some days, sorry to leave you hanging.

 

Once more - thanks for your review. It was a bit of a shock to me, as my story probably was to you. Thanks for bearing with the response as well!

 

I was serious about (Anne Rice) A. N. Roquelaure and the Sleeping Beauty series. If you haven't read it... GET IT! It is so twisted it boggles the mind! I LOVED IT! It's an S&M twist of the Sleeping Beauty story I'm sure Disney never intended. How she got away with it without being sued... I will never know.

 

This story... should be sold and placed in a brown paper bag! Yeah... it's that good ;)

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