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About Comicality

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    Bisexual, leaning male
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  1. I never went to my prom either, but I had...'issues' at the time. I never would have had the courage to go with another boy though. Nope. Maybe in my next life.
  2. Sighhhh... Well that was a really nice way to put me in the Xmas mood! Ahem... ::Blushes:: Hiiii, Stefan.... (BTW - Jiu Jitsu??? WTF??? LOL!)
  3. This is just adorable! Anyway, some of my family and I did have a pleasant Thanksgiving this year. Only a few people, as we're all trying to be safe. But it's a fun time. I will be back and working on stuff tomorrow night. I'm just sort of kicked back tonight. I'm worn out. Cleaning beforehand, cleaning up afterward this morning/afternoon...and family in between...tiring. FUN...but exhausting. Anyway, I will seezya soon!
  4. "No you can't, Comsie!" Of COURSE I can! Here...watch!!! (Three Seconds Later) ***CRASH!!!*** AHHHHHH!!! Omigod! Oh...oh God! Get me a doctor! I need...I need like SIX doctors! Tell them to bring a stretcher...and a MOP! Oh God! Oh Jesus, the pain! I can't even....aaaccckkk! Is that a bone? Am I supposed to be bleeding this much? I don't even know what that thing IS over there by that park bench, but I'm pretty sure it belongs on the inside of my body, not flopping around on the ground! Hurts so much! Omigod! Why is my arm on backwards? Somebody find my shoe! Oh God! I thought I had more ribs than this, originally! Oh god! Where are those doctors???
  5. Is it just going to be the three of us tonight? (Raises Eyebrow) Ahem...
  6. A brand new chapter of the zombie apocalypse themed series is now available on the site! Check it out, and let me know what you think when you get a chance! K? Enjoy! And I'll seezya soon! And I had SO much fun in the chat with you guys Saturday night! LOL! I couldn't even force myself to leave! Thanks to all of you who dropped by! I really loved having you there with me! We'll do it again soon! https://gayauthors.org/story/comicality/shelter/
  7. Chapter 22: "A Test Of Faith" The long line into the cafeteria was moving extremely slow tonight. And I was getting worried that Spencer's spastic shivers were going to draw some much unwanted attention to his situation. He was limply holding on to my right hand, and I was doing what I could to silently comfort him...but as he pressed his boyish face up against the meat of my arm, I have to admit to being a little nervous about having him so close. I mean, not even the soldiers and doctors really know how this thing works exactly. Who's susceptible to the zombie virus and who's not. Or if it even is a virus. And they don't know which kids might be prime targets for turning into one of those things out there and which ones aren't. If what they were saying is anywhere near being true...we may not be able to trust half the people in this place. Hell, I don't even know if I can trust myself at this point! And if Spencer were to suddenly grip my hand tighter and turn his head to take a giant chunk out of my arm right now...there really wouldn't be much that I could do about it. Step by step, we got closer to getting ourselves a tray. I kept thinking that maybe things would be better if I could just get him something to eat and maybe lay him back down to sleep again. Maybe he was just...having an 'episode', you know? Oh God, I hope Cain doesn't find out about this! I'm not saying that my big brother is heartless...but he has a very easygoing time of making a decision when it comes to a question like, 'it's either you...or me.' He'd throw Spencer to the wolves in a heartbeat if he felt it was in our best interest...proof or no proof. Let's hope it never comes to that. "Alright, we've got cover for you positioned on the roof..." Said the officer from before, re-entering the hallway as more soldiers came quickly parading past us. "...Seargent Brower was very specific in his orders, so commit this to memory." Three or four soldiers stopped to hear him out and receive their official orders. "We want arms guarding the South entrance, you'll have heavy support from elevated positions on the roof. You clear as many of those things as you possibly can to provide them safe entry, but remember to conserve your ammo. Until we're able to go out on a scavenger hunt for more, we're dealing with borrowed stock." "So...we're letting them in? All of them?" Another soldier asked. "We're going to get them inside the gate for protection...but ONLY inside the gate!" He said. "You stop those trucks and trailers as soon as we can close off the perimeter. Stay vigilant. Anybody tries to get any further inside? You light 'em up. Make sure they know that before they try anything funny." He turned to one of the others and added, "Sarge says he wants a small team to set up a fully functional triage in the high school parking lot for anyone who might be wounded. Grab doctors and nurses that are alert! Preferably ones than have only been working for six hours or less today. We need them to be thorough. No mistakes." And then...with a grim tone of voice, he looked each and every one of them in the eye...and he said, "If we have anyone who's been bitten...anyone in the process of turning...someone's mother, someone's father, son, daughter, husband, wife...you know what to do. Are we clear?" "Yes, Sir..." They said quietly in response. "There are no second chances in here, ladies and gentlemen. You see a hostile? You put them down. Hard. No questions. We can't afford to have any bleeding hearts for the infected. Not now. not here. You make sure you do what needs to be done, and be quick about it. Their friends and family can cry later..." The absolute horror of that command hadn't fully taken a hold of me before Spencer began to cough again. Violently, this time. Almost to the point of gagging on his own mucous, and clutching onto my arm with a death grip that nearly cut off my blood circulation. I looked up, and felt an icy grip of fear take me over as the officer and the other soldiers turned to see what the disturbance was. I tried to get Spencer to let go of me, and pried my arm away from him to lightly pat him on the back and put a fake smirk on my face as I tried to keep my voice from trembling. "You ok, dude? You didn't swallow that whole Jolly Rancher candy, did ya? I told you, you've got to slow down with that stuff...heh..." Had I been Spencer's dad, I could have had some level of confidence in my ability to protect him if they decided to come over and question us about what was wrong with him. But, I didn't have any power at all in this place. None. If they got too suspicious, they might lock both me and Spencer up in the basement with some of the other kids that I haven't seen walking around here lately. I made the mistake of peeking up at the soldiers again, and they were staring right back at me. Shit! Shit, shit, shit! Thinking as quickly as I could, I patted Spencer on the back again, and I stepped out of the dinner line, pulling him with me. "C'mon, bud. Let's get you some water to help wash that down. K?" We would have to walk right past them in the hallway, which made me extremely tense...but at least I thought not to glance up into their eyes a second time to give myself away. "There's a water fountain right at the end of the next hall. I'll show you." And as we squeezed our way by them, I fought valiantly to resist the urge to look back over my shoulder to see if they were watching us. Or even worse...following us. Luckily, I seemed to have dodged a bullet with that one. "I need my dad..." Spencer whimpered softly, coughing again. "It's ok. We're gonna find him and make sure that he knows your alright. K? Just...try to stay...'healthy', or whatever for now." I don't know if I was comfortable watching him anymore. I really didn't. The more he shakes and shivers at my side...the more worried I become. We walked to the end of the hall and turned the corner to get out of the soldiers' sight, and that's when I noticed a bit of commotion coming from further away. People congregating, talking, some complaining, some crying. And then there were others who were just crowding around to see what was going on. As Spencer and I headed towards the ruckus, I could hear military personnel shouting, "Ok, we need EVERYBODY to take a few steps back! Press your shoulders up against the lockers and make room! Let us do our job!" I peeked around the corner, and I could see all of the double side doors by the gym on the South end of the school standing wide open. They must have been working pretty fast, because it seemed as if they were unloading the 18-wheeler truck and the accompanying trailers at record speeds. There was a lot of communication going on outside. Where did they come from? How did they get here? Who told them about this shelter? Has anybody been hurt? Has anybody been bitten? Were there more of them? It nearly made me dizzy to try to listen to all of them, barking questions at the new arrivals all at once...much less trying to take time to hear the answers. But after we were close enough to get a hint of what was really going on here...I happened to take notice of a familiar sight, just on the other side of the hallway. The playful bounce and flutter of a mop of dark brown hair as little Preston tried to jump up as high as he could to see over everybody else's shoulders in the crowd. It was then that I noticed the rest of my 'shelter family' standing nearby. Even Donovan had reappeared to see what was going on. Alex was craning his neck to see if he could possibly recognize any of the faces of the people who were being released and allowed to come inside for a full exam by our doctors in the lab, and Walker seemed to be simply leaning against the wall with his head down...sulking in silence as he seemed to be struggling to make sense of the world, and possibly reality itself, all over again from scratch. I moved closer to them, but also wanted to make sure that I was keeping a close eye on Spencer at the same time. I couldn't afford for us to get separated, not even for a minute. I can't say that I have any kind of 'plan' as to what to do with him just yet...but it doesn't involve him getting a friggin' bullet in the head just for being a little sick, that's for sure. I don't know...maybe his dad, Officer Logan, will know what to do...if I can find him before he goes out on his supply run into the city. We had to do a little pushing to get over to the lockers on the opposite side of the hallway, and once Alex turned his head to see my face...he smiled...and everything seemed right with the world again. Ugh! My brain just won't let me believe that I was just passionately kissing those deep pink lips of his just a little while ago! "Hey..." I smiled, blushing slightly. "Hey, back at ya..." Alex gave me a sexy grin of his own, and we stared into each other's eyes for an extended moment before I felt Preston frantically tapping me on the shoulder. "They found some more people that didn't get chewed up! Look!" He squeaked. We were all sort of interested as they came wandering in, each one being escorted by a soldier to head straight to the infirmary. These weren't military rescues at all. It was more like...just everyday citizens that wanted to do something good for somebody else, and help out in a time of crisis. There's something really noble about that, in my opinion. However...as I saw Alex standing on his tiptoes and examining the faces of every single person that walked by us, I could tell that he was still desperately hoping that his parents would be among the refugees that were saved from such a deadly and chaotic situation. Praying that he could actually witness them walking through those open doors so he could put his most potent fears to rest. I know how he feels. I mean, I've been trying my hardest to postpone the agony of possibly losing my parents to this deadly apocalypse...distraction and denial being my only weapons against the onset of panic and full blown hysteria...but every time I see Alex worried about his family...I start to worry about my own. And I don't like that feeling. I'd much rather focus on maintaining a sense of hope within me. My parents are ok. We're all ok. And soon...my mom and dad are going to walk through those open doors the same way Cain and his friend Jamie did when they were rescued by the troops in this facility. I have faith in the idea that this group of new refugees will be safe, and I have faith that Spencer will get over his current illness and turn out to be alright in the end. There's nothing wrong with having faith, right? Even in a nasty situation like this one... ...Where the odds are definitely not in our favor. "Coming through. Coming through. Give us some room..." Said a few medics, wheeling someone down the middle of the hall on a stretcher to take them to the infirmary. We all had to step aside, but...when I looked up, I saw a look come over Donovan's face that I had never seen before. It almost...wow...it almost looked like he was happy for once. Did he recognize the older guy on the stretcher? Or did he...? Wait... As he turned his head forward, Donovan caught sight of another boy with matted down, blond hair...a bit disheveled and looking as though he had to go through hell to make it here. His clothes were ripped, and his face was covered in dirt and dust...but Donovan stepped forward as though he didn't even notice. And with a strained voice, Donovan quietly said, "Stephen?" The boy glanced up at him with sad eyes for a moment, seeming to follow the guy on the stretcher, which I was assuming was his father or a close relative. Donovan stepped further forward and said, "Stephen...holy shit! You're ok?" He reached out to hug the younger boy around the shoulders, but despite his obvious familiarity with who Donovan was...he seemed to almost cringe from his touch. He looked up at him, and it almost seemed as if he was about to cry. "What happened to you? Is your dad ok? I drove by your house to look for you, but..." A tear slid out of Stephen's left eye, and with a sniffle, he just said, "I have to go. I need...I need to go..." And he wormed his way out of Donovan's embrace...almost with a sense of resentment as he followed his father to the infirmary. And, I guess, there was nothing else to be said concerning the two of them meeting up for the first time since all of this madness happened. I mean, I understand how traumatic this whole zombie thing can be...but I couldn't help but to wonder if there was more to this nightmarish fairy tale than meets the eye. Because the only thing that seemed more painful than the look in that boy, 'Stephen's', gaze...was the look in Donovan's eyes as he was forced to watch him walk away. There was definitely something going on there, you know? It's weird. I don't think I've seen any visible emotions from Donovan at all outside of annoyance and indifference. Was this the same 'Stephen' that he was looking for in the staircase that one night? Are they related? They don't look related. I don't know. I just found the whole thing kind of odd. As more people were checked out, released, and being brought into the shelter with the rest of us, I felt the hallway getting a bit more crowded. Uncomfortably so. I mean...how many people can we actually fit into this confined space? Granted, my high school is pretty damn big...but that doesn't make our space a limitless commodity at times like this. And we've still got two MORE caravans on their way? How many people are they going to bring with them? Am I starting to get as paranoid about the people surrounding me as the soldiers are? I don't want to be afraid of everybody that I come into contact with. I don't want to suspect every person that I pass in the hallway of being a potential 'threat' to my personal safety. Ugh...I almost wish that I had never heard the soldiers talking about us kids at all. I guess it's too late to take it back now, isn't it? Spencer got really wobbly in the knees all of a sudden, and as I felt more of his fragile weight leaning against me, I tried to maneuver him over towards the lockers and let him slide down to sit on the floor...both of his elbows resting on his raised knees as he put his head down and closed his eyes for a bit. He was just...so...soooo...tired. I saw Preston keeping his distance from him, and he eventually squirmed his way around me to stand closer to Alex and Donovan, hoping to keep Spencer as far away from him as possible. The look in his eyes was unmistakable. He was seriously afraid of that boy. It was like he had seen this kind of thing before, and he knew the signs. How long will it be before I take his silent warnings to heart? "Walker?" Came a voice from one of the other refugees that were being ushered briskly through the crowd of onlookers. "WALKER!!!" I don't think he had any investment, whatsoever, in the new rescues entering the shelter at first, but when he heard his name, he finally looked up from his moody and sullen position, and I saw his eyes open wide as he gasped out loud. "EDDIE!!!" Walker practically leapt forward and crushed the other boy with a tight hug around his neck that would have shattered his verterbrae if the other boy wasn't hugging him just as tightly around his waist. "Oh GOD!!! I thought you were dead!!! I thought...I thought....Oh God!!!" Walker whimpered, weeping openly on Eddie's shoulder. "Me too!" Eddie said! "I didn't know what to do! I was locked in the bedroom, and I couldn't get out to see if you were ok! They just kept pounding on the door, and I was so scared!" He began to cry just as hard as Walker was, both of them refusing to let the other one go, even when the medics tried to get him to move along. "So...you came here? To the high school?" "Some soldier guys came to find me after a long time. I was down in your basement, hiding out. I think. I didn't know what else to do. I was too scared to go outside again." Walker sniffled. Then he hugged him tight again, sooooo overjoyed that his best friend had actually survived one of the worst tragedies to ever plague human kind in general. I was kind of touched to see them reunite in such an emotional way. Something about it just seemed to remind me of how severe and how devastating this zombie virus really was for the people who were directly affected by it. It brought the horror of it all back to the forefront...and reminded me of what it would be like to truly lose the people you care the most about... ...Forever. It was at that point that I noticed the crowd around us thinning out a bit. A majority of the folks from the 18-wheeler truck and the ones from the trailers that were right behind them, had either entered the high school shelter, or they were being inspected and treated for injuries in the makeshift triage just outside of these doors. There were a lot of hopeful victims that stood there for as long as they could, but eventually...that promising, optimistic, light in their eyes began to dim. Shoulders began to slump forward. And they began to slowly wander away from those open doors as they realized that the wait for any news, whether good news or bad news, was going to continue. At least for another few hours. And so the emotional torture goes on. One of those tormented souls...being Alex. He looked so hurt. So...lost. I never wanted to hold him close more than I did at that very moment. But I also knew how ineffectual my display of affection would be in taking his mind off of the well being of his parents being violently ripped apart by the pandemonium taking over the streets right now. What good could my love do for him at a time like this? With both Walker and Eddie crying at their surprise reunion, two of the soldiers had to tell Eddie to move along and make way for the last few refugees that were coming in. But they held on to one another for just a few seconds longer. "I have to go get checked out, dude. That's what they tell me anyway. But DON'T go anywhere! K? I'll come look for you!" Walker sobbed, "I won't. I promise." And just as they started to push Eddie further down the hall, Walker called out to him. "Hey, Eddie! 31-30! Lucky number!" He smiled with tears in his eyes. "Double threes! I told ya!" He grinned in return, and then was shuffled off for further examination. At least a few of us are getting the kinds of reunions that we were looking for. Donovan, looking a bit sad and grumpy, bumped my shoulder as he walked past me and just stomped his way back down the hallway all by himself. There was no point in following him. He'd bite all of our heads off if we even attempted to make him feel better at this point. Instead, I just moved over to Alex, and I stood behind him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders from behind. I didn't care who saw us or who was watching. I just...I needed to console him, and maybe alleviate some of his pain, if only for a little while. Alex trembled for a moment, but eventually relaxed and just gave me a kiss on the back of my hand, allowing my embrace to swallow him up with all the love and support that I had to give him at that moment. Maybe it'll help to restore some of his faith in the idea that things still have a chance at turning out ok...or maybe it will help him to blanket himself in the denial that's keeping us all from completely going insane in this fucked up world... Either way...if Alex needed my love, he could have it. All of it. Because, if things turn out for the worst...it may be all either one of us have left. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY SHACK FANS!!! IT'S BEEN QUITE A RIDE, HASN'T IT?
  8. It's ok. I just chatted for like 11 hours straight! LOL! My fingers hurt! But I'll be back soon! K?
  9. Yep! That's the news for today! Go check it out! And let me know what you think when you get a chance! K? https://gayauthors.org/story/comicality/myonlyescape/ Also...all FIVE books of the "My Only Escape" series will be available as ebooks VERY soon! From beginning to finish, as this series is wrapping up now! So stick around to find out how to be one of the first to get your copies online! K? MWAH!!! Love you lots! Seezya soon!
  10. Comicality

    Chapter 34

    "My Only Escape 34" Even when I was 'allowed' to sit up straight again, Sam held me tight around the waist, leaning his head on my shoulder. Heh...he was certainly playing the role of baby brother to a tee today. But I can't say that it didn't feel good to be so loved. I think that was the part that shocked me the most. My biggest flaw...my deepest, darkest, secret...even worse than having to hid the fact that I was gay...was now exposed to all of them. My entire circle of friends, the only people that I had to fall back on in an emergency to help me hide and deny the pain...they knew about the abuse now. They knew how shitty my life was when they weren't around. And yet...instead of the ridicule and the ultimate shame that I expected to experience from give them a glimpse into what I go through on a day to day basis...all I got was love. More love than I ever could dreamed of. And as I hugged Sam close, hearing him whimper slightly like a little puppy at my side, I giggled and gave him a gentle kiss on the top of his light blond mop...a few stray tears running down my cheeks while Adam and Brody looked on tried to keep from getting a bit choked up themselves. It's one of those times when you really do find out who your true friends are. And they didn't disappoint me. I hope I don't end up disappointing them either. "Alright, you guys. I...I really need to get back home. I'll only be asking for trouble if I don't make myself visible soon." I said, and it seemed to break Brody's heart to know that I would even have to worry about such a thing. But he stood back as I pried Sam's little arms off of me so I could get back up on my feet. I made sure to grab my notebook, clutching it tightly to my chest. I can't explain why...but it seemed like it was the only key to my personal cage. I needed to keep it close. I needed to keep it safe. Adam stepped forward to hug me around the neck, and he gave me a really tight squeeze. "Dammit, Zack...you be careful and take care of yourself, ok?" He said. "I'm right here across the alley if you need me." "I know. And thanks, ok?" I replied with a sniffle. Then I turned to give Sam another long hug, where he nearly squeezed me to death with an amount of strength that I didn't even know he had in those wiry little arms of his. "Don't get hurt, k?" He said, getting all sad and misty eyed as if I was going off to war or something. Who knows? Maybe I was. But my mom was home, so I'm sure he would try anything too severe tonight. Even if he might find a reason to make up for it tomorrow afternoon. And then...there was Brody... I never thought that I could fall totally head over heels in love with the same boy so many times in the same day, but every time his pretty eyes met mine. As much as we've shared with one another, as many times as we've been affectionate, even intimate, with one another...I can't deny that his every smile strikes me still with a certain level of surprise. Every time. I moved forward with my arms out, and Brody melted into my embrace as he hugged me close...whispering that he just wants me to be ok. We held that hug for as long as we could...and when we loosened our grip on one another, Brody gazed into my eyes with a heartwarming smirk on his face. And when he leaned in to kiss me, I made sure to meet him halfway. His lips were soooooo soft. Perfect in every way. That lovely impact was enough to get my heart racing to the point where I could feel myself trembling in his arms. My god...what a rush. It wasn't until we broke our sensual liplock and Brody playfully rubbed his nose against mine with a grin that we noticed the look of absolute SHOCK on Sam's face standing beside us! Hahaha! Oh yeah, I guess I forgot about that part. Sam gasped, "Dude...what the...??? Holy shit!!!" I laughed out loud, and I just ruffled his hair a bit. "I've gotta go, but...I'll let Adam and Brody, ummm...'explain' all that." "But...b-b-but...wait...what the heck did I miss? Awww! You guys never tell me anything!" Sam said, but I just said my goodbyes and left the room to go back downstairs and leave, saying goodbye to Adam's mom on my way out. The air just seemed to smell a little bit sweeter as I walked through Adam's back yard to get to the gate. Then, across the alley past the garbage cans...then to the back stairs...and up, up, up, I went. Hoping to sneak back in just as quietly as I snuk out in the first place. I just...I wanted to believe in myself worth. It's been so long that I had almost forgotten what it was like to truly love myself for who I am. I've spent years chasing my own value like a mule with a carrot being dangled in front of him...where it was always just out of reach. Where I just kept thinking...if only I could run faster. If only I could push harder. But I could never catch it. I could never get any closer to it. Instead, I just kept chasing the unreachable goal until...I became more accustomed to the chase itself, and the goal ceased to be anything that I could ever hope to achieve. It's just my thoughts going round and round in circles...nonstop. But now? Now I have Brody. I have Sam. I have Adam. And even though I'm scared to destroy our family and everything that I've ever known since both...if I can find the courage to speak up, I'm pretty sure that I can have my mom too. How awesome would that be? When I opened the back door and walked in, my father decided to walk into the kitchen and provoke me into doing something that he could use as an excuse to punish me again. Anything. A dirty look, a random lie, a roll of my eyes...any sense of defiance at all would probably catch a harsh slap across the face or a pinch or a shove. But...you know what? I just didn't feel the need to fuel his bullshit tonight. I refused to give him a reason to terrorize me any further. And that felt really really good! It was like my heart was finally learning how to be bulletproof when it came to his constant assault on me and my emotions. He wants to steal every moment of joy that I could possibly ever experience with his slick little tricks and snide remarks. But he wasn't going to break me down today. I have LOVE in my life now! And it's something that he's never going to accept or understand. Something that he'll never ever get from me...because he truly doesn't deserve it. As angry and as helpless as I felt before going over to Adam's house...now I just feel sorry for him. Is that weird, or what? He gave me a nasty look as I walked past him, but I didn't give him the attention that he was looking for. I completely deflated his ego by walking right past him without saying a single word. My mom was in the house with us now...and he wasn't going to beat me down with her standing there as a witness. She was my safety blanket. My salvation from the suffering he put me through. And even though he might make me pay dearly for it tomorrow after school...tonight I was going to rejoice in the brief feeling of safety that my mothers presence brought to me. I needed that. The funny thing is...I don't think that anything could have angered him more than having me simply not acknowledge him. Even after going 'missing' for the past forty five minutes or so while I was at Adam's house...getting my confidence and sense of self worth recharged by the people who really loved me. Who were willing to stand up for me...stand BY me...and give me a shoulder to cry on if I needed it. It made me stand a little bit taller than usual. And I didn't drop my head and 'sneak' my way past him like I used to. Instead...I simply took the brief detour towards the side to get around him, and I walked right to my bedroom to shut the door behind me. I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction of triggering a response from me. Not tonight. I guess he'll just have to deal with his own issues of anger and self hatred for now. It simply doesn't have anything to do with me anymore. As I walked into my room, I had the urge to lay back on my bed and just relax for a while...but I was still gripping my notebook close to my chest. My words...clustered together in a visibly disturbed stream of consciousness that finally gave my inner screams a voice. The story that I always wanted to tell. That piece of me that just...was too scared to break through the mask of normality and express itself because it never felt good enough to speak its mind. Have things changed? Am I...getting better? As I put the notebook down on my desk, I took a good, long, look at it...and the pen next to it. The inspiration was like a burning fire within me...desperate to get out and spread its truth on the pages in ways that frightened me. I was just...I was scared of what I might say. I was scared of discovering who I really was if I indulged in a moment of self reflection and suddenly realized that I didn't like what I saw. I mean...what if my father was right about me? What if I'm just some worthless 'pretty boy' who screws everything up and isn't deserving of love or acceptance of any kind? If I really dug deep...and that was the answer that I found within the deepest parts of myself...could I live with that? Or would it be too much for me to handle? It's a tough question to answer. Because I think that I would rather die than to EVER admit that my father was right about me. I don't think that I could bear that. And yet...the notebook and pen continued to call out to me. I've been silent for so long. And maybe nobody is ever going to read this...or ever know the significance of how hard I had to struggle and punish myself to recall these memories and write any of this down at all...but I wanted to get it out of my system. I wanted to bleed the poison out of me and finally say that I used my creative outlet for something worthwhile. I'm so sick of writing about Summer vacations and current events for Mr. Raffe in my English class. This was my heart. The most vulnerable parts of my life. And I feel like this was going to weaken and infect me from the inside forever if I didn't at least TRY to say something for once! Just once. So...I gave in to my spontaneous feelings...and I sat down at my desk, taking my pen in hand, and I opened my notebook to continue my painful story right where I left off. Again...the words came to me without any resistance at all. It was such a relief, lifting this ban, this hurtful restriction, off of my shoulders...and finally saying all the words that I wanted to say. I felt the pages of my notebook moving around as my deepest emotional conflicts caused me to press down harder on the paper, almost tearing it from the harsh impressions from the pen tip. it got to the point where the pen couldn't keep up with the gratuitous spilling of emotional torment that was spewing out of me, and I had to turn on my laptop and start typing the rest of it out so I could keep up with the frantic activity of my brain...trying to express, explain, and in some cases excuse, everything that I've been through in this house with my father's abuse for the past few years. The beatings, the insults, the humiliation, the SHAME...of never being seen as anything more than a piece of shit. Mud to be scraped off of the bottom of someone else's shoe in disgust. I finally found the courage to type it all out in a word processor...and I think it was probably the most honest thing that I had ever written. Like...ever. By the time I was done, I had tears streaming down both sides of my face. I was sniffling and blowing my nose, my heart beating hard as it attempted to keep the sadness inside from causing it to completely collapse in on itself from the pressure. I, legitimately, felt exhausted when I was finished. Emotionally drained to the point where I felt drowsy and faint from the release of finally...FINALLY...telling my story, and freeing myself from the previously unbreakable hold that it had on me. It was a mentally orgasmic release of epic proportions...and when I finished typing out the second half, I went back to my notebook to type the first half too. Just to make sure that I could save the story as a whole. I didn't realize how much I was holding back until I had to translate everything into words. I wrote about being pushed and shoved against walls...about having a hot IRON thrown at my head...about being kicked out in the pouring rain in my sock feet...about having my Playstation trashed and thrown in the garbage...about being choked, and punched, and kicked, and dragged across the sharp staples in the carpet. For the first time in my life...I told it all. That laptop screen became the exquisite canvas that I had been craving to decorate with my deepest pain and most well guarded secrets for most of my adolescent life. I never knew how liberating it would be to finally let go of my father's dark influence over me. Never tell. Never defend yourself. Never find anything worthy about who you are...because it'll always be a lie. I mean...when that's all you know, growing up...how can you possibly convince yourself to think any differently? I'm trash. I'm filth. Who would ever go out of their way to find something to love about a scumbag piece of shit like me? Right? But...Brody did. He showed me that I was worth more than the turbulent circumstances surrounding me. ME! He made me feel...like my stupid life was worth fighting for. How did he pull that off? Except for my mom...nobody's ever really done that for me before. Not like he has. I mean, Adam is awesome, so is Sam....and I love my mom with all my heart, I really do. But I just sort of expected them to care about me. It's almost like it was their 'job' to give a shit, you know? But Brody's different. His love for me is so pure, so genuine...that it really is had to accept the idea that I would be worthy of this beautiful boy's affections. I try...I just....UGH.... It's like...WHY? Why me? It feels like some kind of joke, you know? And I keep waiting for a punchline that never comes. He just...'loves' me, I guess. It hurts me to say that. It sounds weird. Worse...it sounds fake. And there's a huge part of me that wants to beat Brody to the punch, and brace myself for the moment when he tells me that it was all some kind of stupid prank. A part of me that wants to break free from the delusion and protect what little bit of functional heart that I have left in this fucked up life of mine. But, he just...he refuses to let me go. He won't allow me to get back to my normal life where I can expect what's coming my way and navigate my way around it in a way that would keep me from going totally insane or becoming suicidal to the point where I simply can't fight it anymore. And I don't know if that makes his presence in my life more of a blessing or a curse. Because I've never been here before. I feel so lost... I looked at what I had typed out on that page. I didn't realize how much I had been crying until I went to the bathroom and looked at my reflection in the mirror. My cheeks puffy, my eyes bloodshot and red...with even more tears sliding down my cheeks. I ran the water in the sink and got my washcloth to clean myself up a bit...blowing my nose on a few squares of toilet paper as I attempted to get a hold on myself. What have I done? Seriously....what the fuck have I DONE??? I closed my eyes and just tried to breathe for a minute or twl before leaving the bathroom and going back to my bedroom. I looked at the clock by my bedside, and it was too late for me to start work on my writing assignment for Mr. Raffe tonight. There was no way that I'd be able to finish it in time. I mean...it's not like he wasn't going to absolutely fucking HATE it, anyway. No matter what I wrote for his class assignment...he'd just nitpick and find something wrong with it so he could slap me with a bullshit, backhanded comment anyway. Fuckin' hater! But...as I looked at the manuscript that I had just written...much longer than I thought it would be...a mess of emotional 'vomit' where I just spilled all of my long restricted emotions...I began to wonder if I could just print it out and turn this in as my next project. There was no way that I was going to be able to come up with something else for an idea to fulfill my homework obligation for this jackass of a teacher. I mean...it's just 'fiction' right? It's not like he's going to know the difference, either way. So why not just...turn it in and give a shot? He hates everything I do. Might as well stop working extra hard to impress him and just get a decent grade in his class so I can get the hell out of there and move on to bigger and better things next year. I stared at that document on my laptop for a long time tonight. I really did. And then...when I got tired of sitting still... I hit the 'print' button. Because...why not, at this point? Right?
  11. A brand new chapter of GFD is up tonight! And I split it in half, so you'll be getting another one next weekend! Cool? Enjoy! And take a few seconds to let me know what you think when you get a chance! I'd love to hear from ya! Mwah! https://gayauthors.org/story/comicality/gfd12bloodties/
  12. "Gone From Daylight: Blood Ties 53" I can't say that I didn't really worry about Taryn as I traveled towards the outskirts of town to see if I could maybe make it to Jeremy's blood shack and stay for a while. I sometimes worry that leaving him alone without me there to protect him makes him vulnerable. Then again, I worry that taking him with me or having him follow me to places like the Jeweler's facility puts him in jeopardy. No matter what I do, I'm always afraid that I'm going to make the one big mistake that will cause me to lose him forever. It keeps me unbalanced sometimes. It makes me wish that i didn't have to think about the future at all. Just being blissfully happy with what I have right now. That's all I want. It's all I've ever wanted, to be honest. I just needed some time to clear my head, I guess. Let the silence of the night just...embrace me for a while. So I could try to find a way to sort myself out. I think that would be for the best. Besides, it's not like the lot is 'going' anywhere. I just need to build up a little bit more courage before I decide that I can just stroll back through that front gate like nothing happened, and that I didn't have an entire mountain of bad shit to apologize for. I really didn't want to make them hate me the way everyone else did when I was in daylight. The people around me...my classmates...my teachers...my parents... I really bought into the whole idea that Taryn could save me, somehow. That he could give me enough love to cancel out everything that was wrong with me and get me to a point where everything would be ok. He really made me feel like it was possible, you know? Instead...all I do is move from curse to curse, rejection to rejection, until I find myself being crushed under the weight of it all over again. Until I found myself wanting to walk back out to the end of Navy Pier at night...and finally finish what I started. Had it not been for Taryn's love, and my duty to keep him safe...I'm pretty sure that I'd be hanging from that railing again right now...looking down at the icy cold waters below...and wondering how long it would take for the Lake to swallow me whole, and put me out of my misery...once and for all. When you grow up in pain...it never really goes away. You learn how to deal with it, and how to better manage your emotions...but it's during these quiet times that the abuse, the bullying, the neglect, the utter disappointment within you...pokes you directly in the center of your heart, and reminds you that it's still there. Still real. And that you simply can't be 'you' without it. That's the sickest part of the whole mentality. You can't let go of your demons without your angels leaving you as well. Hell...I don't even know if I can tell which is which anymore. I felt my thoughts going in circles again. Circles. Circles. It was so hard to get them to stop spinning sometimes. Such a strange feeling...knowing all the answers...but not having access to them. If that makes any sense. It's like...they're right there! I can FEEL the solution to all of this madness...I can sense my purpose in all this. And yet, it was just inches out of my reach. Maybe I wasn't mentally or emotionally mature enough to realize kit, too inexperienced to translate it into something that I could use. But I was completely aware of its presence. I just wish I know how to get to it. Crack it open. And finally figure out why some stupid vampire myth chose ME to carry its message to the next generation of our kind, when I've barely been here long enough to know anything about 'our kind' myself. It wasn't until I was taking some of the dark back alleys that the others from the lot had told me about that I felt...something strange in the air around me. Something that I couldn't quite ignore once I tuned into it. I slowed my pace down at first...looking around the alley to see what was going on...if anything. And that's when I saw a teenage girl, about sixteen years old, step down from one of the fire escapes in the alley. Slowly. Confidently. Her eyes shining with a golden glow...no optics to hide her vampiric vision. I came to a stop as she walked to the center of the alleyway, almost as if she knew that I was coming. She stared into my eyes...but didn't say anything. Not a word. Suddenly, a group of seven or eight other vampires came walking around the corner at the other end of the alley to join her. All of them were teens, but all a few years older than I was, some of them a bit bigger, too. However, their eyes weren't glowing with a friendly shade of gold for very long. In fact, as they all gathered into a menacing 'squad' in front of me, I watched as their eyes turned to a deep shade of crimson red...meaning that they were in hunting mode. Scavengers, maybe? Who knows? I simply stood still and made sure to keep my eyes on them the entire time. "I'm just out for a walk." I told them. "Do you mind?" One of the older boys spoke up, "Our friend, Delilah, here...you know...she told us the craziest thing earlier tonight. I have to be honest, I didn't know whether to believe her or not. I should have learned my lesson by now, concerning her visions." He said, stepping closer in a menacing way. He definitely had me by about six inches. He towered over me, with muscles that I probably couldn't have achieved on my best day when I was still human. "I guess you could say that Delilah has a bit of a...psychic twinkle. She predicted that you'd be here...right in this very alley...right at this time of night. And lookee lookee...here you are." "I don't want any trouble. Just...leave me alone, ok?" I warned him. The boy looked back over his shoulder at his fellow vampires and chuckled to himself. "You're a very...VERY...special vampire. Aren't you...'Justin'?" He said. I looked over at Delilah, who had definitely used her extra of premonition to tell them a lot more about me than I would want any of them to know. "I'm thinking that this can go one of two ways..." "Really? What two ways?" I asked, making sure to gain my footing...just in case. "One...maybe you come with us...and you teach us as many tricks as you know so far. And you keep teaching us all until we know every last one of them. It can be dangerous out here on these streets for us V's. More extras means more power. More power means less threat. And if what Delilah says about you is true...then you are definitely an asset that we can make good use of." Still staring him in the eye, I asked, "And the second option?" His smile faded, and I noticed the rest of his gang taking a few more steps forward to crowd the alley to prevent me from leaving. "That second option...is we all beat the living SHIT out of you, right here, right now...and cash in on whatever ransom we can get from finding you out here. Because...I can guarantee that a vampire like you is going to be on somebody's radar. And they're going to pay us a pretty penny to hand you over...whether you're all busted up or not." He snarled at me, bearing his fangs as his eyes turned an even deeper shade of crimson red. "Frankly, I don't care which option we go with...but I suggest you go with the first one. My brothers and sisters here aren't known for their restraint when it comes to option two." "Is that so?" I said...suddenly feeling the many energies that I had absorbed over time building up within me. My eyes turned just as red as his, my fangs shooting down from my gums as I made sure to let him see them as I sneered in his direction. And then, almost as if my mind was suddenly going blank, dipping into the desirable cache of madness that I enjoyed so much when it was needed...I felt a thick mass of ice cold shadows wrapping themselves around my arms. Then crawling up the sides of my neck to wrap tightly around my face...and my body began to slowly lift up off of the ground, my nails turning into claws...and I saw small pieces of trash and debris in the alley beginning to move and rise off of the concrete as well as they began to spin around me. A heated wind began to blow through the hair of the boys approaching me, and I could easily sense their fear increasing as they all took two or three steps back away from me. The dumpsters in the alley began to rattle, as well as the fire escapes above me. And as sharp bolts of electricity began to crackle and pop around my hands, and then spread to both sides of the alley, stretching out until the others jumped back and tried to avoid getting SHOCKED from the intense power that I was wielding in my fingertips alone...I felt my voice change into a deep, guttural, inhuman, growl...and I said, "I really don't have time for this right now! MY suggestion is that you find yourselves a third option! Or this isn't going to turn out well for either one of you!" And then I looked over at Delilah again, and I asked, "So...what is your friend's psychic twinkle telling you NOW???" The rest of the gang turned to see what she'd say, all of them trembling before me. And with frightened eyes that were rapidly losing their red flare and returning to gold...she looked back at them to slightly shake her head. I'm not sure how far she could see into the near future, but the message was clear. Don't FUCK with the Vampire Mimic if you want to keep breathing! All of them had nothing else to say to me. Some of them backed out of the alley without even alerting their fellow vamps. Delilah went back up the steps of the fire escape, and soon...the alley was empty again... It took me a minute or two to 'power down'. My adrenaline was racing. My fists were clenched. Did you see how they cowered away from me? How they RAN once the knew what I was capable of? I felt the shadows peeling back from me, and retreating into those dark places in my mind where I dare not go...but I looked down at my hands, and I felt...strong. So strong. There is a certain level of madness in realizing the kind of power that you hold. And I can't really say that it was a bad thing. I could...I could do such terrible things if I wanted to. Who could stop me? Who would I be if all of life's possible consequences were suddenly removed? As always...it made me wonder... Is this what my father felt when he used to hurt me the way he did? Knowing that I was so helpless...so powerless? Is this the madness that he had so willingly tapped into when he beat me without mercy? Did he...enjoy it? And...would I enjoy it just as much...if I were to ever cross paths with him again? Imagine, having him see me now. Crying, sniveling, begging at my feet for compassion! For pity...or for some form of forgiveness. Would I be able to grant him that after all he's done to me? Or would I take this power in the palm of my hands and tear him to pieces to forever PUNISH him for what he's done to me? To my life! For who he is! He'll get no such mercy from me. Not ever. He deserves worse. Worse than the vampires in this alley tonight. Worse than the security guards trying to keep me and Taryn locked up in the Jewelers building tonight. Worse than ANYONE who would dare to harm a single hair on my boyfriend's head! I could do it. I know I could. I could tear the whole fucking city down around me if I thought it was justified! And anyone who had a problem with it...I could get them to turn tail and run away like those fucking COWARDS!!! Approaching me in a dark alley? Were they INSANE! Do they have any IDEA who they're fucking with??? Perhaps it was a residual effect of the energies that I had summoned to scare them off...but as much as I wanted to regain my focus and get back to normal...the dark energy didn't want to go away. I didn't...I didn't WANT it to go away! It felt so good. I was, literally, shaking...my hands...the tremors in my hands wouldn't stop. My breathing wouldn't slow down. My muscles wouldn't relax. My other 'half' seemed to be taking me over again, and fighting it was getting more and more exhausting every time I brought it to the surface. I heard my knuckles crack loudly as the shadows returned to me. They were swirling around me, the screams of inner turmoil overwhelming me as I tried to fight off their painful influence. My legs became weak, and as the anger rose up within me to dangerous levels, I tried to find an outlet. Any outlet! There was a metal dumpster next to me...and as my vision began to blaze red, I turned towards it and just...I had to let it out. I couldn't help myself. I balled up my fists and saw them suddenly catch fire! Maintain the fire, Justin...maintain the...maintain...hold it together... "AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!" I suddenly lashed out and began PUNCHING the dumpster the dumpster with all of my might! Screaming with hatred, denting the metal and leaving black marks from the flames blazing against it. I didn't know what was happening to me...but if I didn't get this out now, I felt like I would explode! I was ramming my fists so hard into the side of that dumpster that it began to fly up with every strike and crack the bricks in the wall behind it. Sparks of electricity shot out all around me, and the random paper that was lying on the ground began to catch fire as I furiously pounded the metal until it folded in on itself and nearly fell apart. But it wasn't enough! The rage hadn't been satisfied yet! I needed more! There was a desperate need to see how much destruction I could cause once I slipped over into that 'other' frame of mind. All power! All anger! All abuse! All....RAGE! It felt so good to get the poison out of my system. To let my anger find a target worth fighting like it never could have before. Back when I was so weak. So vulnerable. So alone. I had found my strength...and my abilities let me know that they were all here for me any time that I needed them. But then... "Lose the anger, Justin. It won't help you in any fight that really matters." Was the voice that I remembered as I wore myself out and fell to my knees with tears of vengeance clouding my vision. The voice of Comicality...trying to calm me down. Trying to teach me how to keep from going over the edge. I felt those heated tears running out of my eyes as I struggled to reclaim my grace and balance. I was trying soooo hard to force myself to keep from losing control, rocking back and forth for a few tortured moments before feeling that destructive halo of raw emotion swirling around my head again. I suppressed it as much as I could...but it was too much for me to hold in anymore. I had to let it go. I had to. My voice cracked as I shrieked in pain, and my brain geyser extra spread out all around me all at once...putting cracks in the walls, wrecking the fire escapes, even rupturing the concrete beneath me. It was an explosion of epic proportions! It weakened me to the point where I fell over to the side and held both sides of my head...almost passing out from the combination of pain and exhaustion. I don't...I don't think it's ever been that bad before. What did that to me? Why am I like this? Is there something wrong with my extra? Why was this one so intense as opposed to the others? I'm still learning this stuff, but that was something that I thought I had a pretty good handle on before tonight. There really is another side of me that is dying to get out. I've been ducking and dodging it and doing my best to deny its existence...but there's another 'me' in there somewhere. A rotting piece of me that my father placed in the center of my heart before I was old enough to defend myself. The Beast knew it. In fact, it was one of the first things that it latched on to when it found me. But...I'm not the bad guy. That's not me. I'm better than that, right? I mean, I'm not crazy! I'm just...I'm me. Aren't I? I'm in control. There's know way that I'm going to lose it, because I know who I am. Thoughts of Taryn's sad eyes when I unleashed my full fury on Natpea that night when I fought my way in to save him from Soren's club flooded my mind. It was like he didn't know me at all. He couldn't recognize a single part of the boy that he once fell so deeply in love with...not when I was like that. Out of control. Sooooo much power. Almost infinite power. Addictive power. I took a few minutes to just lay there and breathe. Lose the anger, Justin. Lose...just...just lose it. As much of it as you can. Calm down. You can do it. Breathe. Just...breathe... There is a frightening level of untold power inside of me...and the deeper I indulge in that power, the harder it is for me to come back to reality once the threat is gone. The madness entices you to push harder, to go further...and I'm afraid that if I go too far, then I'll begin to lose parts of myself that I'll never get back again. Or that I'll even want back again. What do I do if any other vampires decide to challenge me while I'm out here tonight? Vampires who won't run away with their tails between their legs like the last bunch? What happens if the Jeweler tries to tell me that I can't leave the building next time? What happens if I meet more scavengers in the subway, or another vampire hunter, or any other raiders who are foolish enough to try to come to the lot looking for trouble? Exactly how much power can I use to fight for what I believe in and want to protect at all costs...before I lose what's left of my rational mind? All I did tonight was tap into enough of my extras to keep myself out of a conflict that I didn't want to be a part of...and that was enough to push me into a full blown vampire tantrum that I couldn't contain. Will this get worse? Am I sacrificing my sanity for the illusion of control? How far am I from becoming just as lost and consumed by darkness and hatred as Taryn's brother, Alec? I have to wonder...because I'd be lying if I said that it didn't feel good to finally let out some of the fury. I looked at the dumpster next to me, and I had completely obliterated it with my bare hands. Dents and bent metal, holes and burn marks...it barely even resembled the shape of a dumpster anymore. And there was a part of me that was taken over by a sense of shame for my loss of self awareness...but there was another part of me that looked down at my hands again...free from any bruises or scars...and I felt emboldened to see what else I was capable of. Because if it ever comes down to me and some other powerhouse vampire fighting over Taryn's safety or the family that I've come to love at the lot...this is exactly what they've got to look forward to. I'm not that scared little boy anymore. I haven't been 'bully bait' for months now. Anyone who wants some...they can come get some. Because, for the first time in my life...I'm beginning to realize that I have the strength and the skills to make them regret it. ALL of them. This isn't just me reacting to a certain need or conflict...this is me asserting myself and preparing to let the worlds of daylight and darkness know that I'm going to be a force to be reckoned with from now on. So watch what you say to me. And be careful when it comes to my friends. Your very lives depend on it... For once...your well being is MY choice! NOT yours!
  13. Thanks, you guys. I mean that. My uncle has been diagnosed with double pneumonia in both lungs because of the virus, and he's still in the hospital, but from what they're telling us...it's manageable. So he might be sick for a while, but ok in the long run. Which seems like it should be a relief...but I'll feel a lot better when he's able to come home. Anyway, thanks, guys. And please be safe out there.
  14. My uncle...my mom's little brother, tested positive for Covid-19, and he's having trouble breathing so he was taken to the hospital late last night. And...well, we're waiting to see what happens. He seems to be doing well so far, but we were quick to get him medical care, just in case. One of my other cousins and her fiance have both now tested positive as well. And they're under quarantine, but haven't had any symptoms yet. Thanksgiving is cancelled, because it's just not a good idea this year. And I just...I don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost. Anyway, I'm doing fine. My mom is fine. We're a little worried, but hopeful. So... ::Knock On Wood:: I'll be doing emails tomorrow. So it'll be good to talk to you guys. I'll be in good spirits! Promise! Also, I'll check into the chatroom on Saturday, probably in the middle of the afternoon. So if you're around, stop by. I could always use a few smiles during times like this. Alright! Take care! And I'll seezya soon...
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