Thirdly

On the note of passing the torch, there isn't anything wrong with that (published authors sometimes like to shake things up by having chapters led by other character other than the main one, and it still works if the information is pertinent to the main character or affects them in some way). You just run the risk of snapping the reader out of the immersion. I learned that the hard way with one of my older stories, just how close readers can be to the main character. In my case I also realized that it felt like I changed the genre and tone of the story towards the end, which is even more jolting to readers (to me it didn't feel like the genre and tone changed at all because it was all planned ahead of time, but I didn't convey it well, and that's something I personally am still working on...it's like when milk used to come in cartons and you had to shake it because it wasn't homogenized? I didn't shake the carton well enough with the genre and tone to make it feel like one cohesive thing the whole way through).

EK, I wanted to clear something up. That wasn't criticism, merely reactions and my personal opinions. Always take anything anyone says with a grain of salt. If you feel like polishing this story up at some point, you totally can. I've done it in the past with my oldest story. I gave you my opinions and some of the methods I use to see what you choose to use for your next project (you don't have to use any of it if you don't want to). Remember, you already have me beat by finishing a story of this genre. (I am still haunted by the crime one I have to eventually finish. So much research.) What I try to do is really figure out what the most important parts of a chapter is and try to make sure it is illustrated well with a decent limelight, something I usually do with my comic pages. The trick with mysteries, though, is not withholding information, but hiding it in plain sight or in pieces to make readers try to piece it together themselves. What I like about what you did with this one is that the information you gave from one chapter to the other was gradual and in increments (at least for me who read it in one sitting). The pacing was great, as well, the action slowed when it needed to slow and picked up when it needed to pick up. Anything I haven't talked about or mentioned is top notch to me: characterizations, descriptions of locations, the plot itself, the ease and flow of reading...

“Michael will be with you shortly. May I bring you a cold coke, sir?" es, please.” - Feeding the addiction. He shook his head. “Somehow, I was too nervous to get anything done today. My boss had pity on me and prepared this for us.” - Aww. He was nervous. “Once, she asked my date whether he was top, bottom, or versatile.” - What if he's all three? "I know one is not supposed to talk about that on a date, especially the first one, but you’ve told me that you had four relationships that didn’t work out. Tell me more about that.”“Oh Mike. That’s so Germanic. Straight to the point no matter the costs.” - True, true. Had I known about the police rumor mill before joining, I’d have chosen to apply to a different police force than the one in which my dad was a response shift sergeant. - Ooooh. That sucks. My then-lover had only been after popping my cherry. - That jerk! One night when I was out on patrol, I saw him outside a nightclub passionately snogging another guy. - That jerk! The long distance thing didn’t work out. I’d put a lot into our relationship, more than he was willing to invest. - Well, at least this one was sort of reasonable. Brian shaped me to become a manifestation of Leon Scott Kennedy, the main character of his favourite game, the remake of Resident Evil 4. - Oh, the otaku asshole. Forgot about him. Giving gamers a bad name. This has nothing to do with what you’ve told me, I would’ve asked this anyway, but would you object to testing together with me for any STDs? - Mike's thinking ahead. “You’re silly,” he giggled while trying to take off his jacket.“I’m something else right now.” - 👀He sure is. “Please, let me hold you a little while longer.” He smiled and did. - Told you he was a keeper!

“Jamie, I’ve got half the shift calling in sick, three cell watches, two court papers due tomorrow, and you’ll probably be the only unit available. So, if Mike turns up here tonight, he’ll be your crewmate. Please act like a professional and get your hormones under control.” - Woo! Let's go, sergeant!! “One-Three-One, I have another immediate for you.” No way! “You must be kidding me.” - Yeah, they can't catch a break today. “It’s easier than you make it sound. I can show you. I’m a chef.” - If I weren't into girls, that'd have been a total keeper for me. That was it. Fuck controlling my hormones! I exploded. “Mike, I’m really sorry, but I can’t work with you anymore! I can’t stand that you’re an excellent crewmate, real fun to be around with, and bloody good-looking. I’m sorry if that insults your heterosexuality, but I’m finding you extremely attractive, and I’ve had enough of suffering being here next to you.” - LMAO!! Let's go!! Mike turned to me and grabbed my stab vest by the shoulder. He pulled me closer and next thing I knew, his lips were on mine. - *intense happy squealing* Go Mike! Ten minutes of mostly long wail later, I had a headache thanks to the siren and the stroboscopic blue lights in the darkness. - I can only imagine. Ouch. “He asked whether I had to be drastic which I confirmed. He asked whether we were dating which we haven’t spoken about, so I didn’t know. He asked whether I’ll ask you out on a date which I confirmed. And then he told me that I must look after you or he’d come and kick me.” - Nam's such a good wingman! “Imagine someone had filmed you.” “I did. Dashcam.” “I’ll see this footage!” “Never.” - 🤣 Mike was waiting for me. He looked up from his phone and said. “You look good in that.” - 👀 I bet he does.

Today, when the shift assembled in the briefing room, I’d of course noticed Mike who had waved at me enthusiastically when I entered. - My heart. Poor cutie. Had she forgotten about or ignored my request of not to be crewed again with Mike? - LMAO! You're gonna have to deal, buddy. we were told that we mustn’t activate speed cameras. The resulting admin work to clear the automatic fine was too expensive. - Uh-oh! His knowing his stuff was one of the reasons why I was so upset. I fancied him, badly. So badly that he’d featured in my thoughts while I was masturbating under the shower this morning. - Huehuehuehuehue 😈 I grabbed the receptacle with my hand coming up half over his. Touching his fingers felt like an electric spark traveling up my arm into the whole rest of my body. He looked at me, and I looked into his captivating blue eyes. The color of sapphires. - *happy squee* Mike, my sapphire - *happier squee* In the end, it’s only what the kid believed he’d taken. What the scumbag dealer had given him, who could say? - Exactly. “He’s straight as an arrow.” “Already asked?” “Fuck you..." - Besties~ Who’d say no to a kebab? - Not me. 🤤 “No worries, my treat. You were great today.” Really, Jamie? - 🤭 Nam was astonishingly civil, not mentioning anything embarrassing about me, about lovebirds, and he refrained from making any secret cheesy references. - 🤣I love Nam so much. I had to cough. I stared at Nam from under my bangs, secretly imploring him. Nam didn’t look at me nor at Mike. He just said, “Sounds like a serious case of hero worship to me.” He took a forkful of food. - Aaaaaah! I love Nam so much!! I dreaded being alone with Mike again. I got up. “Yes, me too. Have a good night, mate. Get home safe.” - Dagnabbit, Jamie. Stop running away. the Kawasaki ZZR 1400 - Yoooooo!

Law, I feel cursed. As I started reading this first chapter, I realized it sounded familiar...cuties with blue eyes being paired as partners, a shift sergeant with my namesake...I've tried reading this story before months ago! At this point, I am frustrated by all the interruptions. I want to see what happens to these cuties, dagnabbit! Now then: Lecker - Oooo, I learned a new word. 👀My goodness. *fanning self* “Leon," I said and earned some snickers from colleagues. “Shoulder number 1233.” - Wait, why are they snickering? I brought some carrot cake. Want some? - I am now craving carrot cake. I hadn’t thought him to be over thirty. A couple of years older than me, he was hot. - 👀Helloooo Mike. Wait, older? Just how long has Leon been an officer? WHAT? You can apply as young as 18 in London?? Over here they have to go through an academy and everything. “Don’t be fooled. They’re making fun of me. Shall we head out?” - WHAT? Why? Jerks. Also, I have to get a new examination every three years. The two since then, I’ve always refused the syringe. - Good for you. I'd have refused, too. The last time I was injected with anything that wasn't a vaccine was when I broke an arm and they used morphine. It was a highly unpleasant feeling that burned in my veins. I seriously preferred the excruciating pain of the broken bone over that burning sensation. “Standing around and looking important as well as driving around and looking important?” - 🤣 I made my way to the Sergeant’s office to ask Sergeant Ward to never crew me up with him again. - Aww. But you work so well together! Resident Evil 4 Remake with a hero character named Leon Scott Kennedy - PFFT! So, he's a RL Leon! That makes sense now. Sometimes, I wondered whether this man was indeed my best friend or the universe's form of exercising a punishment on me. - Well, that's what besties are.

Status Update: My bullshit meter at work has depleted so low, I think it broke. Why am I the only one still trying to keep this department limping towards the end of the year? Today even gave me a battle wound...a ridiculously deep papercut right on the inside bend of my middle finger, and that means two things: 1. It's going to take a long time to heal because I am forever moving that bend. 2. I could use it as an excuse to flip others off.

Do we find out what happened to Damien? Yes. Do we find out why? Yes. Was this story interesting from start to finish? Also yes.

Ivan Volkov's reach extended far deeper than anyone had imagined. He had cultivated a network of informants within the Russian secret service, giving him access to sensitive information and enabling him to move freely without fear of detection. Using this network, he orchestrated the kidnapping of Rodion Kovalenko, believing that the renowned historian held the key to the whereabouts of the precious white diamond. - See, if you had gone into more detail about how Carter found someone connected to Volkov in some way that led him onto the idea of Volkov trying to kidnap one of the professors...then, that summarized intro would have been fine. Otherwise, I would have liked to have seen some of this playing out, too. Meanwhile, Detective Carter and his team were hot on Volkov's trail. They managed to intercept a communication between Volkov and his accomplices, leading them to the location where Kovalenko was being held. In a daring rescue operation, Carter and his men stormed the hideout, freeing Kovalenko and neutralizing Volkov's henchmen. However, it was too late. Kovalenko, weakened by torture, succumbed to his injuries. - The second sentence and the rest of the paragraph would have been stronger if shown in detail. Seeing which member of Carter's team intercepted that communication, and how they obtained the location...seeing Carter leading his men into the hideout, etc. In the heart of Moscow, a man named simply Sven, sat in a dimly lit room, his fingers dancing across a keyboard. Sven was not a man of many words; his job required silence and a keen eye for detail. He was a mole, planted deep within the inner circle of a notorious smuggler Ivan Volkov. - Wait, we get a summary of Carter's hard work, but this Russian mole gets to have his moment in the limelight? LMAO With Ivan Volkov in prison and the discovery of documents implicating him in the smuggling of antiquities, this brought a sense of closure to the investigation. Ethan and Maxim Turev were finally exonerated, their names cleared of any wrongdoing. The evidence against them had always been circumstantial, and Volkov's confession confirmed their innocence. - Seeing Ethan and Maxim getting exonerated, and seeing them in a safer place somewhere together would have been more satisfying. Ethan was the one on the path of vigilante justice, after all. I'd have liked to have seen him at the very least say something to himself about "Damien, they finally got the men who did this to you" or visit his grave and tell him that, or any variation of Ethan feeling like he did what he set out to do and that justice had finally been served. (as in his own personal feelings of justice) Without Rodion Kavolenko's expertise, progress on deciphering the scroll was severely hampered. Alexi Dumarov, resigned himself to the possibility that the mystery might never be solved, but he continued his research, hoping for a breakthrough. - Alexi was a character that was put in play, so he needed a little limelight, too. Maybe showing him talking to some of his fellow professors about this kind of loss "So, you've made no progress with the scroll?" "Unfortunately not. I'll have to be satisfied with the fact that it's been found for now. " Maxim Turev was granted leave to stay in the United States. He had found a new life there, and the prospect of returning to Russia was daunting. The events of the past year had taken a toll on him, and he needed time to heal and rebuild his life. - See, I'd have liked to have seen Maxim trying to cope, as well! Overall, it was a very good story. Crime mysteries are a gargantuan task to write. I've tried writing a crime mystery for over a decade and I know that getting just one chapter down is very hard work, let alone a whole story. Don't let anyone tell you this wasn't quite the achievement, to complete a crime mystery story, because it absolutely was.

A diplomatic incident could escalate if the US failed to comply with Russia's demands. - That's exactly what I was worrying about! Volkov's mission was clear: to retrieve the artifacts and return them to Russia. His arrival sent a shiver down Carter's spine. He knew that Volkov would stop at nothing to achieve his goal and he was very aware of the man's connection to organised crime, namely, the Russian mafia. - This is something I would have liked to have seen played out a bit...for example, where was Carter when they received the news of Volkov's arrival? We know he was assembling a team, but was he in the office? Was it playing on a news channel that Volkov's plane landed? And how was Carter aware of Volkov's connection to crime? Did he have an older case that Carter slipped through? Did he hear about something terrible Volkov did, but got away with, from a colleague? As the days turned into weeks, the pressure on Dumarov and his team intensified. The media was demanding answers, and the authorities were growing increasingly concerned about the lack of progress. The American State Department wanted the affair resolved and the artifacts returned to Russia. - I would have liked to see Dumarov and his team actually stressing and running about. Detective Carter, meanwhile, was racing against time to prevent a new catastrophe. His investigations had led him to a chilling discovery: Ivan Volkov was using his connections within the Russian Federal Security Service to plot the kidnapping of either Professor Dumarov or Rodion Kovalenko. Volkov believed that one of the two men held the key to the whereabouts of the real precious white diamond. - Where did he get this information from? I'd have liked to have seen Carter meeting up with an informant or having caught someone working with Volkov, like a liaison person, and getting the information out of them.

"I have been following you through Russia and to here," he frowned as he looked first at Ethan and then Maxim. - Oh, so he was their shadow. That was it Ethan thought as he considered their relationship. Damien Moreau had never listened to him, he was in fact another possession of the rich collector. But he had cared for the man, perhaps even loved him, he didn't know. He did know he owed it to Damien to find his murderers. - Ok, so THIS is what we needed to know before Ethan so much as hauled ass out to Russia to begin with! He feels he owes it to Damien to find his murderers, that is what made him get on that flight to Russia in the first place. We needed this bit back in that chapter for sure. Totally brings a whole different meaning as to why Ethan felt he needed to play detective all on his own and not contact the real detective when he received that initial threat. Would have colored that entire chapter with Anya with a bigger sense of urgency, even, because now we REALLY don't want Ethan to die trying to play Vigilante. You only mentioned Ethan "loved him like a father figure" with the intro of the chapter, but not that he felt he owed it to Damien to find his murderers. That chapter should have been peppered with Ethan's desire for justice. Could have been done introspectively (him thinking it to himself), in dialogue (him telling it outloud to someone else), or in action (him thinking of Damien while holding something, or forcing himself to keep moving forward on his quest while thinking of Damien's dead body, or, hell, even looking at anything art-related and it reminding him of an artpiece Damien loved), because, why is he out on a limb trying to hunt down some artifact while infiltrating a building being taken over by criminals in another country? Because he owes it to Damien to find his murderers, dagnabbit! He has a burning purpose, and the writing is stronger when you show us that. And, believe me, it can be so hard to remember to even write these things out and make it obvious...it's all in our head while we are writing it, right? We have it in our head the whole time, but it can be so easy to not write it out for us readers to also realize and know in OUR heads why the characters are doing what they are doing, and why they chose to even do that in the first place. This chapter was short, but it was very solid and strong because you did the above, like in the following examples: Ethan hesitated. He didn't want to reveal too much about the scroll or the card with an address for Russian Dolls that had led him on a dangerous journey to Russia. Nor did he want to compromise Maxims escape to the West. - Why did he hesitate? Because he didn't want to reveal too much or compromise Maxim. Despite Maxim's confidence, real or presumed, Ethan spent the next few days in a state of constant anxiety. He knew that he couldn't stay in the city for long. He would have to give the box to the professor and hope it got safely back to Russia. But how could he do that without attracting the attention of Ivan Volkov and his men? - Why was he anxious? Because he needed to do all these things without attracting attention.

Damien, with his uncanny ability to spot valuable works and antiquities, had met Professor Dumarov and quickly realized the significance of the ledger and more importantly the scroll and box. - Dead man walking needed his own, fully fleshed-out chapter if we're diving into what happened before all this. Would have made for a suspensive, fast-paced chapter all on its own. I'd have just labeled it "18 Months Ago" at the top and then made it a Damien-centered chapter with key dialogue, showing the car crash in detail, and actually showing what happened in this sentence: Finally, after an arduous journey, they reached the remote monastery which was also a fortress, and they gained entry. (How arduous is arduous? Did they have to don disguises, hike up a hidden trail, bribe locals, evade hitmen, and duck into the monastery for sanctuary?) "My name is Alexi Dumarov," the man looked up at the camera. - See, we didn't need to know who he was right away. You could have completely cut out that middle part with Damien and left it at that, Alexi Dumarov showing up. Nothing wrong with this kind of mystery, that of a new player on the board. So, this Ethan + Maxim chapter would have been fine just from their perspective, then the Damien chapter following this chapter would have made plenty of sense. We'd have reacted something like "wait, Damien knew this guy?"

Max paced around the office. "I gave you the job," he emphasised YOU. "Get it done! Even if you have to take a holiday." - Max, I swear, if something happens to Carter in another country's borders, it's all on you. As Ethan boarded the plane, he couldn't shake the feeling of being watched. - And we're back to Ethan again. That first paragraph regarding detective Carter feels out of place in an Ethan-centered chapter. Ethan realised then why they had kidnapped and tortured Damien. Among the possessions scattered throughout the apartment there was indeed a wooden box. - So, the gang is after the artifact in the box? Ethan had not thought it would be so easy to get information about the organisation known as Russian Dolls, but they had provided him with invaluable assistance and this was perhaps because they were under the impression he was a Western buyer. But now, as he stood on the brink of uncovering their greatest secret, he realised the true extent of their operation and the danger that lurked within their ranks. He didn't believe the whole company was corrupt, simply it had been infiltrated and was being used by criminals. - This would have been stronger as a full, fleshed-out scene. The first showing just how Ethan was confused for a Western buyer and secondly showing Ethan actually coming across their secrets and the third showing how Ethan deduced that the whole company was not corrupt, but rather infiltrated by criminals. The object Ethan sought was a relic of immense historical significance, an ancient scroll of inestimable value which originated from the Amber Room. He had learned this information and its location from a source within Russian Dolls, a woman named Anya who at no small risk to herself had contacted him when she suspected Ethan was not at all the buyer from the West, but had a different agenda. - This would have also been stronger as a full, fleshed-out scene. The first explaining in more detail why he is after the ancient scroll, when and how he was contacted by Anya (how did she know he was there? what led her to believe he wasn't a western buyer at all? why did she feel she could trust him?) That night in the modest hotel bedroom as she ordered coffee and he took a cold shower, they each told their own story. Anya needed to get her brother out of Russia, Ethan needed answers from Russian Dolls. - Another conversation that would have been stronger in more detail and actually spoken aloud. When two people have lives at stake (Ethan, his own...Anya, her brother) I imagine they'd be wary as all hell of one another. So seeing this conversation play out...Anya seeing how Ethan is scared for his life and at the same time trying to get to the bottom of the death of his mentor, and Ethan seeing her distress of trying to keep her brother safe (and more importantly, why). If she's desperate enough to risk it all on the youth in front of her, seeing her adamantly refuse to help Ethan unless he does this for her would also make sense. We're missing out on the huge give-and-take that would make the two of them trust one another JUST enough to try to pull this off. But as they stepped off the train and into the busy customs hall, he was determined to face whatever challenges lay ahead. He had promised Anya he would look after Maxim and he wouldn't let her down. - See? By the end of the chapter, Ethan's doubts about Anya and her brother are all but gone, replaced with a determination to not let her down. How Ethan changed his mind from survival, to wariness, to trust hasn't been shown or conveyed enough to make it either: A. unquestionable that Anya deserves this kind of loyalty, she's saving her brother, so she absolutely deserves it, or B. raise our anxiety levels because us as the readers believe that Anya does NOT deserve that kind of loyalty...it all comes down to the conversations we didn't witness, important moments that went on behind scenes, but should have had a spotlight shining overhead instead.

Ethan Blake, a young artist with a raw talent that mirrored the chaotic beauty of his city, was still reeling from the devastating news of his mentor's death. Damien Moreau, a renowned art collector and gallery owner, had been more than just a teacher; he was a father figure, a guiding light in Ethan's tumultuous life, and his lover. The police had ruled his death a gruesome homicide, the victim of an abduction and brutal torture session. Detective Eliott Carter, a seasoned investigator had been called away from his vacation to take on the case. The discovery of the body and Elliott's subsequent interrogation of Ethan had led to the young man's confession and revelation about the smuggling of antiquities. The detective was convinced that the murder was linked to a criminal gang and quite obviously to a person or persons with some knowledge about antiquities. - The two paragraphs above summarized a bit too much from the prior chapter in a report-like way. We started the story with Detective Carter and, as readers, we expected to keep following Carter throughout the story. However, since you passed the torch to Ethan in this chapter, I'd have gone about it similarly to this. Since it's focused on Ethan's personal thoughts and feelings, it doesn't feel like it's as much of a reported summary, if I'm making any sense: Ethan Blake was a young artist with a raw talent that mirrored the chaotic beauty of the city, and he was currently living his own personal hell. At first, he hadn't believed that Detective Carter was as experienced in investigations as he'd initially touted. But, within days, he'd been proven wrong. Carter was quickly convinced that Damien's murder was linked to a criminal gang and, quite obviously, to someone with more knowledge about antiquities. The last time he saw the detective, Ethan had been left reeling from the devastating details of his mentor and lover's death. What artist wouldn't feel squeamish after hearing of another artist's fingers being violently broken, let alone the man who'd been more than a mere teacher or father figure to him? (though the last few sentences depends on if that information would even be privy to someone that was also treated as a suspect in a case) Panic gripped Ethan as he realised beyond any doubt, he was their next target. - You better tell Carter, stat! Russian Dolls? The name conjured images of a matrimonial agency, offering Russian women to wealthy Western men. - Wait, how does Ethan know about all that? Was it in the newspaper or on the news? With a newfound determination, Ethan decided to travel to Russia. - Dagnabbit, Ethan. No! You were supposed to tell Detective Carter, not go seeking your own death.

Two days had passed since the disappearance of the renowned art collector, Damien Moreau, and despite their best efforts the police team had yet to find any trace of him. - That's never good, a missing person. Always a chance they'll be found dead. From what the young man had said, Damien had a habit of taking a late-night stroll through the city centre park accompanied by his Shih-Tzu. - It's amazing what the kind of pet you own says about you! 🤣 Something obviously went wrong between Damien and his criminal contacts. - I mean, they broke his fingers! This was a great start. The environment was described vividly. And, as usual, you have a way of describing characters without it being obvious. Very subtle, sometimes it's the differences between the characters that are the tells. Sometimes it's where and how they live or what kind of dog they own. That's one of your strong skills.