Subtle Beauty - 18. Chapter 18

My surprise dissolved as worry, anger and a slight fear vied for my attention. The mix of emotions drained me, but I managed to clench my jaw. Seeing this, the rage dissipated from Mich’s face and was replaced by shame. I sat still as I studied him while he did the same, our eyes communicating silently.

His good eye blinked and, like being awoken from a restless sleep, I clumsily stood up and collected ice from the refrigerator and put them onto a towel. With his eyes closed and his head on the sofa’s back rest, I sat beside him. Instinct told me to touch his face and wrap my arms around his body, but a tiny voice in my mind stopped me. Give him time.

“Mich...” That small, scared voice came from me?

He opened his eyes partially to look at me. With the back of his hand, he caressed my face. I frowned when I felt the unexpected coarseness of his skin against my cheek. As he drew back his hand, I noticed the rawness of his knuckles and my heart skipped a beat.

I showed him the ice-filled towel I held in my hand, and bit my lower lip when he gently shook his head.

“Mich, please.” The tremble in my voice confirmed the panic I felt inside, but I didn’t care. “Let me do this.”

A sigh escaped him and I waited with bated breath for his next move. I frowned when he roused himself as if to go, but then he laid his head on my lap instead with his legs dangling on the sofa’s arm rest. He smiled and I felt a bit relieved.

Gently, I placed the ice-filled towel on his bruised eye, making him flinch and his breathing hitch. I ran my hand over his body to soothe him, but a pained expression crossed his face when I touched his side. With a sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach, I raised his shirt. Shit!

An irrational fear gripped at my heart. What part of his body is not bruised? I wanted to strip him naked and find out for myself, but his voice stopped me. “Coop, there are only two of them. Trust me.”

With my lips quivering, I looked at his face. I wanted to ask him what happened, but the aloofness of his eyes prevented me. “I’ll fill another towel for you, ok?”

“No. Stay.” He took my hand and placed it on his chest. Feeling the steady beating of his heart, I allowed myself to calm down.

“Mich, you need—”

His gaze roamed my face. “I need you.”

I turned so he wouldn’t see the tears brim my eyes. Compassion toward him filled my being and the strong emotion left me gasping for air.

“Babe, this is nothing. You should see the other guy. I beat him into a pulp.” Hollow laughter emanated from him.

“Not funny,” I said in an unemotional voice. Transferring the ice-filled towel to his bruised side, I examined his right eye. No effect? Fuck, that’s not possible. The discoloration lightened a bit, I reassured myself. “What happened?”

“I got into a fight.” The anger crept back in his eyes and his breathing became short and shallow.

“No shit. You look like you’ve just lost a boxing match.” He opened his mouth to speak, but I silenced him by pressing the ice-filled towel hard on his side. “What were you thinking?”

“Coop,” he squirmed and narrowed his eyes in pain, “that hurts.”

“Oh? I thought this was nothing?” Despite the edge in my voice, I eased the pressure from his injured side.

“Don’t be angry, Cooper. I didn’t start the fight.” He tried to make me understand with his eyes. “I had no choice.”

But the message was lost on me as I was blinded by concern. “Of course you do. You could’ve just walked away. What if something much worse happened to you?”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” The coldness in his voice made me shiver. “I know you’re worried, but you weren’t there. You didn’t hear what he said. I—I had to do it. For you.”

His last words made a ripple inside me which reverberated throughout my body. For me? “What do you mean?”

“It doesn’t matter,” he mumbled.

I set aside the dripping towel on the floor. “Mich, tell me what happened.”

Mich licked his lips, pressed them together then opened his mouth to speak. “He was being a jerk. I just put him in his place.”

I watched as he clenched and unclenched his hand. “Who?”

“Scott,” he spat with venom. The name held no meaning for me yet I felt hatred toward the person attached to it. He hurt my Mich. “I punched him in the mouth so he’d stop saying bad things about people. That will teach him.”

“Who’s Scott?”

“The biggest jerk in school.” His eyebrows furrowed and a disgusted expression settled on his face. “Would you believe he’s part of the swim team? I heard him badmouthing... someone in the locker room earlier and I just lost it. He thought he was funny, well I just made sure he won’t be laughing anytime soon.”

Placing a hand on his face so he’d look at me, I asked, “Mich, who was he badmouthing and what did he say?”

I knew the answer before he voiced them; saw it written in his eyes. Inside, I felt hollow. What have I done?

“Scott said awful things about you. I told him to stop, warned him, but he just kept on saying nasty things. He even blamed you for what I’d become. As if he understands. He has no right.” He voiced each word with heated passion.

Fag. Cocksucker. Pansy. Those were just some of the words that came to me, but I didn’t mind them. They didn’t hurt me. I took no offense. What mattered to me was that I caused Mich to be hurt. He got in a fight because of me. For me.

“Good thing I landed a hard blow on his mouth before his two friends ganged up on me,” he added.

Silence settled in the room as both of us focused on our own thoughts. I thought about him and how he changed my life for the better. But what about him? Is this what’s best for him?

“Mich,” his gaze shifted toward me, “you shouldn’t have done that. Look what happened to you.”

“Are you crazy?” he bellowed. “I’m your boyfriend. Scott deserved what he got.”

“But you don’t deserve this.” I sighed. “What if there are others in school who’ll say the same thing about me, what then?”

“Then you’ll just have to stock up on ice cubes and towels.”

His words rang in my ears. An ache accompanied each beat of my heart. I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come.

“Get out,” I whispered.

His face clouded over. “What did you say?”

“Get out. Get out. Get out.” I remained impassive due to the emptiness I felt inside.

“But why?” The suddenness of my words confused him. “Coop, what’s wrong?”

“You’re what’s wrong. I feel like I don’t know you anymore.” I don’t want you to get hurt again because of me.

“Don’t tell me you’re—you’re breaking up with me?”

Am I? I didn’t even know what I intended to do. “If that would keep you out of trouble then... yes.”

He got up and sat with his back to me. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and take back what I said, but I reminded myself that I was doing this for him. Slowly, he stood up and made his way to the front door, dragging his gym bag behind him. I turned my face away, so as not to see him leave. I waited for the closing of the door, but it didn’t come.

“Cooper,” my gaze returned to him, “I thought you... love me? But so far, you keep pushing me away. On our way to school this morning, I wanted to take you to the hospital to get your head checked, but you just brushed it off as if it’s nothing important. And now you’re letting me go just like that? I just... don’t understand. You said we’re in this together. If that’s so, why do I feel so alone right now?”

Mich watched me, waited for me to react. I chose to do nothing. When I heard the clicking of the door as it closed, my suppressed feelings surged forward. My tears flowed freely and abundantly. I cried because I love him.

*************************

It has been a week since I last saw Mich. Whoever said ‘time heals all wounds’ has never been in love. As I lay in my bed, all I could think about was him. My mind was filled with images of him. I wished there was a way I could delete him from my memory, but that was not how things worked. Even his smell lingered in the bed sheets.

Burrowing my face on the pillow, I willed myself to stop wallowing in self-pity with no success. I did this, so I should face the consequences. Mich’s better off without me. He’s all that matters.

With that thought, I got out of bed and performed my morning exercises. I used to love this, but after doing it with Mich when he stayed over, it lost its appeal. Sweating profusely when I was done, I took a shower and got myself ready for another boring day. Life’s so meaningless without him.

A gentle knock on the front door quickened the pace of my heartbeat. Getting up from the sofa where I was studying, I stepped forward with mixed feelings of hope and trepidation. Is he back?

Opening the door, my eyes landed on a familiar smiling face. “Grandpa?”

With kindness in his crinkly eyes, Grandpa stood meekly at the threshold of my apartment. After watching me for a while, he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. “Cooper, I’ve missed you.”

“Grandpa...” Tears threatened to pour from my eyes, but I kept them at bay. “Please come in.”

He entered my apartment, looking around curiously. With his back to me, he reminded me so much of Mich. Same broad shoulders, same height, same posture although Grandpa’s had a little stoop. Placing a hand on his back, I beckoned him to the sofa.

“Let me get you something to drink. I think I have some juice left.” I turned to go, but Grandpa gently tugged at my arm.

“Sit down, son. We need to talk.”

I eyed the empty space beside him with unease. Sighing silently, I sat down and faced him.

“How are you?”

It was a simple question yet I didn’t know the answer to it. I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. Feeling foolish, I shrugged my shoulders and smiled weakly.

He patted my back. “I know what you’re thinking. Calm yourself, Michael didn’t ask me to come here. I’m here because I’m worried about you.”

“Thank you.” A question bubbled inside me, but I couldn’t make myself ask it. Grandpa’s knowing smile appeared and it gave me a bit of courage. “How is... he?”

“He’s in the same state you’re in,” he answered cryptically. After careful study of my face, he added, “You still love him.”

“I... I... I...” do.

“That’s not a question, Cooper.” He shook his head. “You have a very expressive face, don’t you know? Your eyes always betray you. I have no idea how my grandson could’ve missed all the clues. I just looked at your face and I instantly knew. The question now is why did you break up with him?”

Should I tell him? Biting my lower lip, I changed my train of thought. Am I strong enough not to tell him the truth? “I got him hurt. All those bruises, I caused them. I’m so sorry.”

“Oh what am I going to do with the two of you?” Grandpa draped an arm over my shoulder. “Don’t you know that the pain of his wounds was nothing compared to the hurt you caused when you kicked him out of your life?”