Teacher's Pet - 5. Chapter 5

Ash slept soundly until late evening. He woke suddenly to a word of darkness that was stiflingly hot and spiking with pain. Groaning aloud he tried to find a position that didn’t hurt but it was impossible. The blanket had wrapped itself tightly around him and held him like a straightjacket so that, for a moment, he fluttered on the edge of panic as he kicked and struggled to free himself of the cloying folds, careless of the pain.

Finally, shivering and sweating from the pain, the effort and the heat he broke free and flung the offending item onto the floor, glaring at it. With a sigh he relaxed, allowing his head to fall against the back of the sofa. He was exhausted, physically and mentally.

Letting his mind flow over the events of the last twenty four hours, his thoughts, like butterflies, touching on something and then flying away, Ash found that he couldn’t focus on anything. The pain that he had felt when his father threw him from the house was dull and muted, the embarrassment fleeting. The joy he had felt when Josh kissed him was equally dimmed in his memory. It was as if so much had happened that his mind was no longer able to cope with it.

The only thing that Ash could focus on was the pain and this time the pain in his leg was worse than that in his ribs and back. Reaching down with his hand he pressed it against his thigh to find that his jeans were wet and sticky. He groaned.

He started to feel cold and bent down to pick up the blanket, then realised he needed to empty his bladder. The realisation that he didn’t know where the toilet was sent a wave of emotion... sorrow and loneliness... washing over him, bringing tears to his eyes. Biting on an already sore lip he fought down the pain, emotional and physical, and hauled himself to his feet.

Once he had silenced the raging emotions within him Ash could hear the sounds of someone moving around in another room. Slowly and painfully he made his way towards the sounds, limping heavily and stumbling over debris on the floor, hugging himself against the pain that flowered in his ribs whenever he did so.

At last his questing hand found a door frame and a door handle and, now he looked more closely he could see the door outlined in gold where light leaked through from the room beyond.

The light blinded him when he opened the door and it flowed out around him in a golden tide. He blinked and looked up, his nose twitching and stomach growling at the tempting smells that seemed to be emanating from the saucepan that Josh was holding. He smiled.

When Josh looked up at the sound of the door and saw Ash in the doorway, blinking sleepy eyes and looking like a dishevelled fallen angel, he almost dropped the pan. He had wondered whether he should wake Ash for supper and had just about decided that it would be better for so many different reasons, to let him sleep. And now here he was, smiling, his eyes electric blue in the bright light.

“Are you alright? How are you feeling now?”

“Sleepy. But I need the toilet.”

“Oh. Right. Just through there.” Josh nodded at a door. “Are you hungry?”

“I wasn’t, but that smells good. My stomach seems to be taking things into its own hands so to speak.”

“I’ll dish up then. Don’t be long.”

“No sir.”

True to his word he wasn’t long and, by the time he came back the table was set with two large bowls of steaming home made stew, chunks of hot bread, two slender crystal glasses and an open bottle of wine.

As Ash slid carefully into his seat Josh poured the wine and Ash watched him carefully.

“Thank you. I’ve never had anyone except my mother cook a meal for me before.”

“I cooked for both of us. Eat it while it’s hot.”

Ash complied, dipping bread into the stew and nibbling it delicately. His eyes widened and he took a bigger bite. “This is good, really good.”

“Don’t sound so surprised. I’m a good cook.”

“Yes, you are.” Ash continued to watch him over the table as he ate, saying nothing. After a while he pushed back the bowl and poured himself another drink, cradling the glass before him and lowering his eyes, fixing them on the golden liquid and sparkling crystal.

“You didn’t eat very much.”

“I had enough. I’m full now.”

“Should you be drinking alcohol with those pills you’re taking?”

“I don’t know and I don’t care.”

“What’s wrong? You sound... angry.”

“Angry? Maybe. It’s been a tough couple of days. The way I figure it I have plenty to be angry about.”

“True. Is there anything in particular that’s making you feel angry? Anything I can help you with?”

Ash raised his head and stared at Josh for a long, hot moment. Initially his eyes were angry but the anger faded and was replaced by something a lot more complex and so, so sad. Eventually he shook his head and lowered his eyes again.

“No, it’s my problem. I have to work it out.”

“But not tonight. You don’t have to work it out tonight. Are you tired?”

“Kind of.” He looked up. “Do you have any of those cigarettes you’ve given up stashed around here?”

“I didn’t know you smoked.”

“I don’t, not really. I have one sometimes when I’m out, when I’m nervous or uncertain.”

“Are you nervous or uncertain now?”

“Both. Do you have a cigarette?”

“Of course I do.” He retrieved a pack out of the top shelf of a cupboard, having to climb on a chair to reach them. He took one and handed the pack to Ash who fished out the lighter and lit both his own and Josh’s.

Josh could see that drawing on the cigarette hurt Ash, nevertheless he finished it although he looked relieved as he stubbed it out.

“Are you always so stubborn?”

“What?” Ash looked startled, as though his mind had been miles away.

“You didn’t enjoy that cigarette. It hurt you. Why didn’t you stop?”

Ash grinned. “Because that would have meant giving up and I don’t give up.”

“Good for you.”

“Josh... I...”

“Ssh. Not tonight Ash. It’s been a long, hard day. This is not the time for deep conversations. There’ll be time for that later.”

“Will there? Will there be time for it or will it never be the right time?”

“Ash...” Josh knew that he should say something, that somehow he should be able to comfort him whilst making him understand the situation, the impossibility of anything happening between them. But he couldn’t find the words, maybe there were none... and maybe that was because...because...

“Don’t. Please... don’t. I don’t want to hear what you have to say. It hurts too much, and...and... everything hurts too much. I’ve lost everything Josh, everything. Don’t take away any more.”

“Ash, that’s not fair. You can’t make me... I can’t pretend that we...”

“No... I don’t want you to pretend. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do but... I don’t believe that you don’t want to do it. I’ve seen the way you look at me. I’ve seen it in your eyes. Why...?”

His eyes were pleading and it was the hardest thing that Josh had ever had to do to push back his chair, fold his arms across his chest and look Ash right in the eye while he broke his heart.

“Because it can’t be Ash. Whichever way you look at it... it can't be.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m your teacher.”

“I’ll leave school. Then you won’t be my teacher.”

“I can’t let you throw your life, your future away...”

“To hell with it. To hell with my life, my future. At the moment it doesn’t feel as if I have either. Josh... you’re the only thing in my life that is good, that I care about.”

“There’s your work, your art.”

“Not even that. I don’t care about it, any of it. I don’t want my art, I don’t want my life, I don’t want a future without you. I have spent so long, wasted so much of my life longing, searching, hating myself for what I am, what I do... I don’t want to do that any more. Please Josh. Do you want me to beg, to make a fool of myself for you. I’ll do anything, I don’t care...”

“Ash... stop it. I know you don’t want to hear this but you have to. I have been a fool, an absolute fool. I am not going to deny that I am attracted to you... of course I am, you’re gorgeous, truly beautiful inside and out.” Ash turned his face away bitterly and Josh reached across the table laying his hand over Ash’s. He jerked it away. “Don’t. Don’t hide from this. Don’t turn your face away. You are beautiful... I can see that, I would have to be blind not to. And you are strong and courageous and incredibly talented and, in other circumstances I would be delighted - no, I would be honoured if you were interested in me but...” Ash winced and Josh took a deep breath, searching for the right words.

“Ash... please... try to understand. You are such a wonderful person but you are my pupil, my student. I’m too old for you... too...”

“NO!” Ash got to his feet so quickly and violently that the chair he had been sitting on crashed to the ground. He instantly folded, clutching his side with a groan, grabbing at the table to remain standing.

“Oh god Ash. Look... you’re exhausted, sick. Let me help you get to bed. Get some sleep and we’ll talk again.”

Josh tried to put his arm around Ash but he pushed him away roughly. “I can do it. I’ll sleep on the sofa.”

“Don’t be daft. Come on, let me help you.” He tried again to put his arm around Ash but again Ash pushed him away. This time Josh accidentally bumped into Ash’s bad leg and he cried out clutching at his thigh with his hand, teeth gritted.

“What’s the matter? Did I hurt you? What’s wrong?” Ash couldn’t speak. He was shivering, his eyes closed, biting down on the pain. “Ash, what’s wrong?”

Josh looked down, noticing the stain on his light trousers, the sticky redness oozing between Ash’s fingers where they were clamped around his leg.

“Ah shit. What happened?”

“I’m not supposed to walk on it... not yet. My... um.... my mother is supposed to be dressing it. I guess...”

“Right. You are going to bed... right now. I’ll get my first aid box and do the best I can for tonight and we’ll get it sorted in the morning.”

“I... alright. I... I’m too tired to fight. I... I don’t feel.... don’t feel too good.”

“I am totally not surprised. I can’t believe you’ve held up so well considering. But stop being stubborn now. Stop fighting. We’re going to have to talk sooner or later but until then can't we just be friends... just let me be your friend Ash, please, let me help you.”

Ash looked up and his eyes were... terrible. They burned with pain and it almost tore out his heart to see it. After a moment when Josh wasn’t sure whether he was going to cry or hit him, Ash nodded and put his arm around Josh’s shoulders, allowing him to draw him close. The nearness of his body, the smell of cigarette smoke and cologne, the touch of his hand at his waist, made Ash feel dizzy and he swayed. Josh tightened his grip and it hurt, bringing reality crashing back.

Slowly they made their way up the stairs. It was harder going up than it had been coming down and by the time they got to the bedroom Ash was exhausted and beyond speech. Josh directed him to sit on the edge of the bed then fetched a large bath towel and spread it over the covers.

“Okay... do you need help to get undressed?”

Ash stared at him, his eyes dark. He shook his head but then, after considering, swallowed and nodded.

“Can you lift your arms?”

It was difficult but inch by inch Josh helped Ash ease the tshirt over his head. When he had done so he froze. He had known that Ash would be bruised but he’d had no idea how bad it would be.

During the attack Ash had lain curled up on his right side, his arms protecting, as best he could, his head and stomach. This had exposed his left side and back and he was almost one solid bruise from shoulders to waist, including his upper arm. Biting his lip Josh kept his eyes down, unable to meet Ash’s.

Undoing his belt he unzipped his jeans and slipped them down over his hips. The bruising continued right across his lower back and his leg to the knee. On the thigh, from just below the hip bone to almost the knee, a dressing, which had previously been white, was soaked red with blood.

“Oh fuck Ash...”

Unable to help himself Josh gently ran his hand over the bruised flesh feeling Ash tremble under his fingers. The skin was hot. Raising his head he finally met Ash’s eyes. They were not, as he had expected, accusing, pleading, even hurting, they were blank, completely blank.

“Are you alright?”

“How can I be alright?”

“I know... stupid question. Come on, lie down. I’ll go get the first aid box... are you cold?”

“No.”

“Alright. I won’t be long.”

When he got back Ash was lying on the bed staring up at the ceiling. He looked calm but tears had tracked down from the corners of his eyes, dampening his hair on either side.

“What do I need to do?”

“Nothing. Just... take the dressing off and put a new one on.”

“I need to stop the bleeding first.”

“Whatever.” At first Josh thought that Ash was being surly and difficult but one look at his face was enough to show him that was not the case. He had simply come to the end of his endurance.

“Okay. I’ll do what I can. Tell me if I hurt you.” Ash’s eyes flicked down and he looked as if he was going to say something but then he shrugged and lifted his eyes to the ceiling again.

Josh hesitated, afraid to touch him, knowing it would hurt.

“It’s alright... you’re safe.”

“Safe? What do you mean?”

“The blood. It’s what you’re worried about isn’t it? I mean I... I’m a risk aren’t I? I sleep around... half the time don’t bother to use protection.... I don’t blame you for wondering. You have to keep safe after all.”

Josh was shocked, both that Ash had mentioned it so casually and, to be honest that it had not, for one moment crossed his mind.

“Ash... it was the last thing on my mind. I swear it. I didn’t even think...”

“Well, you should have. You knew about my past and you should have. Why didn’t you?”

“Ash... don’t...”

“It’s because you see me as a child isn’t it? An innocent child. Well, I’m not a child. I haven’t been a child for a long time and I don’t think I’ve ever been innocent, at least I don’t remember...”

“Ash... not now.”

“Then when? You were about to get your hands covered in my blood without even a single thought... without a care for the risk. You should know better. But...” He brought eyes that looked bruised and defeated down from the ceiling to meet Josh’s shocked expression. “You just can’t bring yourself to see me as a man can you?”

“I...” He looked away and Ash went back to staring blankly at the ceiling.

“It’s okay... like I said, you’re safe. I got tested at the hospital, when I told them why I was attacked. So... you’re safe. I don’t have HIV, I don’t have Hepatitis, I don’t have anything. I... I don’t ... have... anything.”

“Ash...” Josh knew that his last sentence had had nothing to do with any medical condition.

“Please just get on with it and let me sleep.” For a while Josh stared at him, feeling somehow empty and as though he had done something terribly wrong. Then he turned to his task, unable to bear to look at Ash’s bleak face any longer.

As gently as he could Josh tugged the soiled dressing free. It clung to the wound, especially over the stitches and it took some time to work it free. All the while Josh grew more and more appalled by Ash’s injuries, more angry at those who injured him and more intensely proud of the way he bore the pain with dignity and in silence.

The wound was not as big as it had appeared from the size of the dressing, only about four inches long, but it was clearly deep and looked sore, the skin around it red and inflamed. Blood was welling up in droplets around the stitches but they were all holding and the blood was already drying up.

“It looks as if the bleeding is stopping on its own. It’s quite swollen looking though... the skin around it is red and your leg looks tight and feels hot. I think you might have an infection starting. We should get someone to look at it tomorrow. I’m surprised they didn’t give you antibiotics at the hospital.”

“Maybe they did. I don’t know what they were giving me.”

“Well I think you might need more... but we’ll worry about that in the morning.”

Taping a clean sterile dressing over the wound Josh cleared away the mess, scooping it into a carrier bag which he then dumped in the bin in the bathroom. When he came back he paused in the doorway wondering what the hell he was doing. Ash was beautiful. He was young and talented and beautiful and he was lying almost naked on his bed grieving because he couldn’t have him. Why not? Was his job, his reputation really that important to him that he was prepared to brush aside the best thing that had ever happened to him? Was it really so wrong to fall in love with Ash?

Closing his eyes Josh took a deep breath. He had to be strong. Now more than ever he had to be strong. Ash was too good, too sweet, too pure. He had an amazing life ahead. He didn’t realise it yet but he was going places and someone like Josh would only hold him back. He needed someone who was still excited about life, about art, someone who had the same energy, the same lust for life, the same innocence. And no matter what he said, what he might have done he was still innocent... so fucking pure...

Hoping that Ash was asleep he crossed the room and gently slid the folded down duvet out from under him, pulling it up to cover him. Although he had been dozing the movement disturbed Ash and he woke with a start, wild eyed.

“What..? what..?”

“Ssh, it’s alright. It’s getting a bit cold that’s all. I was just covering you. Go to sleep now. It’s almost two. You need to rest.”

“Don’t leave me Josh.”

“Ash...”

“Please... don’t leave me, not now, not tonight... please... just hold me. I swear I won’t... I won’t do anything. Please just hold me. Please. I feel... I... I don’t know how I feel. I’m afraid.”

Josh sat down and stroked his hair. “What are you afraid of?”

“I don’t know. I’m just afraid.”

“There’s nothing to be afraid of Ash, nothing. You’re safe here.”

“I know. I know. I didn’t say it made sense. But I’m afraid, I swear it... look.” He took Josh’s reluctant hand and laid it on his chest. His heart was racing, pounding against ribs that ached from the assault of it.

“Ash... what...? It’s alright. You’ve been through so much today. It’s alright. I’m here for you. I’m here.”

What could he do? He climbed onto the bed and slipped under the duvet, lying on his back, wrapping it around both of them. Ash turned to him and curled into his side, his head on his chest and his hand over his heart. Josh soothed him, stroking his hair with one hand and his arm with the other. For a time Ash sobbed silently and then, gradually grew quiet and heavy. Josh made absolutely sure he was asleep before he allowed his own tears to flow.