9.11 - 45. Chapter 45

September 17, 2001

“Dude, I heard what happened in Colston’s class,” John said as I walked over to the table. I sat across from him, put down my food, and nodded.

“I just don’t want to talk about it, or think about it,” I said, referring to the 9-11 attacks. “All my other teachers have been cool about it, and people are pretty much leaving me alone.”

“Especially now,” he said, smiling. “It’s all over the school.”

“I just get really pissed off sometimes when I think about it,” I told him. “I tried to back off with him, but he was relentless.”

“You called your dad?”

“I called my dad,” I confirmed. He pursed his lips in an “uh oh” kind of gesture. “Probably shouldn’t have done that.”

“I would have done the same thing,” he said.

Cam came up and sat beside John. “Hey,” he said to both of us, and we responded in kind.

“I’m not gonna be able to hang out this week,” I told him. It was cute that he tried not to look disappointed.

“It’s cool,” he said. “You’ve got a lot of shit to deal with.”

“Maybe next week things will chill out,” I said hopefully.

“Just let me know,” he said with a smile. I smiled back and looked into his eyes, and he shyly looked down. He was totally cute.

“There was supposed to be a big party this weekend,” John said. “It got cancelled.”

“I wouldn’t have been there anyway,” I said. “You going to the funerals?”

“Don’t know yet,” he said. “Mom and Dad are still trying to work it out.”

“Tell them they don’t have to go,” I said, even though it wasn’t really my place to say that. “It’s going to be depressing as fuck.”

“If you want me to be there, I will,” he said, more of a promise.

That was really awesome, the way he was willing to have my back. “No,” I said. “If you want to go, go. Don’t worry about me. I’ll make it through OK.”

“We’re going to the deal for Robbie,” he said. I felt the sadness start to envelop me, and fought it. “They’re planning something for him in Claremont in October too.”

“What?” I asked.

“Don’t know. My mom just told me that we were going to Claremont for a weekend in October, and before I could bitch, she told me it was for Robbie,” he said, then stuffed some food into his mouth.

“Guess I’ll find out what that’s all about later,” I grumbled.

“We were supposed to talk about it last night at dinner, but Mom said Grand didn’t want to talk about the attacks, so they put it off,” he said. We’d had a nice dinner Sunday night, with no discussions about New York. I’m glad I convinced him to do that. None of us were ready for a heavy sharing session.

Lunch was pretty uneventful, with people basically just being polite but not asking me about the attacks. That didn’t mean they didn’t talk about them. There was a lot of ranting and raving against the ‘fucking Arab bastards’ who attacked us, and about how we needed to ‘kill those motherfuckers’. I felt that rage too, rage against Osama bin Laden and the other Al Qaeda assholes. I think that of all of us, Darius had the most outrage against them. For me, I was just so numb, and if I thought about those bastards, then I’d remember everything, and I’d have to deal with it all over again. More denial on my part. I pretty much ignored people as they ranted, and they seemed to think that was fine.

The backlash against Arabs, or people who looked like Arabs, was a little scary. Some poor dude in Mesa, Arizona had been shot because someone thought he was a Muslim, just because he was wearing a turban. He was a Sikh or something like that, from India. The hate that fueled these attacks, and the hate they caused in retaliation, was just really sad. I remember watching the television report on the dude’s death with Grand, and saw the sadness in his eyes. On the other hand, Grand had shown me ads in the paper from foreign governments, including the Saudis, expressing sympathy for our loss. It seemed like we’d gone from being the pariahs of the world, to being everyone’s best friend. It was weird. Really weird.

The rest of school went pretty well, even though I had shitloads of work to do. In my last class, I got a summons to go to the office after school.

“Someone’s in trouble,” Jackie teased.

“What’s new,” I joked, cracking her up. I gathered my stuff up, went to my locker to get all my books and shit, and then headed up to the office.

“You’re Will Schluter?” the receptionist asked as I walked in.

“Yes,” I said.

“They’re waiting for you in the conference room,” she said. She gestured in the direction of the room, and I pondered who “they” were as I walked over to the room. I strolled in to find Mr. Sessions, my father, Aunt Claire, and Grand sitting there, all of them looking pissed off.

“Hey,” I said pleasantly.

“How was school?” Dad asked. He was angry, and that worried me. I knew how strong and dangerous his anger could be.

“It went pretty well,” I said.

“Except for Algebra,” he said.

“Except for Algebra,” I agreed. I took a seat next to him, and before I could say anything else, Mr. Colston walked in. He saw all the people here and just about shit a brick.

Sessions introduced everyone, and then focused on Colston. “Would you like to tell us what happened in class with Will?”

He nodded, and looked at me. “I’m very sorry for how I treated you today. I was completely out of line. You can turn in your missing assignments when you get them done, and you can make up the quiz this week, or next.”

I hadn’t been expecting that. I’d been expecting a long, drawn-out battle, where he pelted me for my language and for disrupting his class. A glance at my dad and the others told me they were as surprised as I was. “Why did you do it?” I asked.

“I had a cousin who worked in the South Tower. She didn’t make it out.” He paused to wipe a tear out of his eye. “I think it just hit me all of a sudden, and for some reason, I was mad at you for making it out when she didn’t.”

“That’s hardly fair...” Sessions snapped.

“No,” I interjected, to stop him. “I totally get that. I understand how you feel, and why you did it.”

“You do?” he asked, surprised.

“We had extensive counseling after the attacks,” Dad said, speaking to Colston for the first time. His deep voice was so powerful and commanding, it dominated the room. “You’re talking about survivor’s guilt. We’ve been working to deal with it.”

“It still wasn’t fair to inflict that on you,” Colston said to me. “You’re one of my best students, and you deserved better than that from me.”

I nodded. “I’ll turn in those assignments next week,” I said. “Can I take the quiz tomorrow during lunch?”

“That’s fine,” he said.

“That’s it?” Dad asked, as if he wanted blood.

“That’s it,” I confirmed. “This thing has messed us all up. I don’t want anyone getting beat up about it. It happened, Mr. Colston said he was sorry, I accepted his apology, and now it’s done.” I turned and looked hard at Mr. Sessions. “Alright?”

“Fine,” Dad agreed.

“Alright,” Sessions said.

“Thanks for coming down here,” I said to Grand, Aunt Claire, and Dad. “Let’s go home.” Dad and Mr. Sessions looked disappointed, like they wanted to kill Colston and drink his blood in some pagan sacrifice, but hopefully they’d leave him alone.

“You were awfully easy on him, after he was a total asshole to you,” Dad grumbled as we walked to the car.

“Haven’t people suffered enough in this thing?” I asked him, probably a little too vehemently. “I don’t know about you, but it’s really hard to deal with the emotions, especially the anger. That dude lost it, but it could just as easily have been me.”

He nodded as we walked on. “Or me,” he said.

September 19, 2001

“New Jersey reminds me of Robbie,” I told Will, as we walked around the Rutgers campus.

“Why?”

“Because he went to college here, in Princeton,” I said.

“It seems like you’re mad at him,” Will said, picking up on the irritation in my voice.

“I am,” I confirmed. “But then again, I’m pretty much pissed off in general, so it’s nothing new.”

He laughed. “You’re still mad at him for going to Princeton without you?”

I nodded. “I’m mad at him for that, I’m mad at him for the emotional rollercoaster that was our relationship, and I’m mad at him for going back up those stairs in that fucking building and leaving me behind.”

“I thought he made you happy?” Will asked.

“There’s a measurement you use when looking at stocks to evaluate their volatility,” I said, sounding like JP. “It measures how much a stock goes up and down in relation to its market. It’s called beta.”

“So a stock with a high beta goes up and down more than the market, and a stock with a low beta goes up and down less than the market?” he asked, getting it quickly.

“Exactly,” I agreed. “My relationship with Robbie had a very high beta. It was either really up, or really down.”

“And you don’t think that was a good trade-off?” he asked. It was weird, but I’d taken to talking to Will about this stuff more than anyone else, even more than Stef. I sensed that our conversations helped him, and I know they helped me, but I was worried that if I was completely open with him, it would tarnish his opinion of Robbie. So far, though, it hadn’t seemed to have that effect.

“I don’t think so,” I admitted, letting loose one of my core secrets and fears. “I don’t think I’m a stable enough person to handle someone erratic.”

“So you’d settle for a basic, boring life?” he asked curiously.

“That’s how I’ve always framed it in my mind, but I’m not convinced stable has to be boring,” I said with a sigh. “I think about the times in my life when I’ve been the most fucked up, and when I’ve made the worst decisions, and they all coincide to times when I was having issues with Robbie.”

“So you’re saying you’re glad he’s gone?” he asked me, totally freaked out.

“No!” I snapped, much too aggressively. I calmed myself down. “I’m just saying that I have to learn from my experiences with him.”

“Do you think you’ll be able to do that, and still remember the happy times, and to still smile when you think about him?” he asked.

That question seemed like such an easy one, but it blew my mind. “Probably. I don’t know. I’ll have to think about that.”

“This is all pretty fresh,” he said.

“I know,” I agreed. “I probably shouldn’t talk about it, because in about five minutes, I’ll feel totally different. I’ll be back to being devastated that he’s gone and miserable again.”

He chuckled a bit. “I’m glad you’re talking about it. It’s so frustrating. I think back to that day, and think of all the mistakes I made.”

“What mistakes did you make?”

He sighed, much as I had. “I didn’t argue with Mom enough. I should have made her come with us. I mean, she wouldn’t have let me take Maddy if she didn’t think we had a good chance to make it, better than her chance up there. She wasn’t just hedging her bets.”

“If she’d gone with you, and Hank would have stayed, Hank would have been alone,” I told him.

“Maybe Hank would have changed her mind and come with us, and then all three of them would be alive today,” he said bitterly.

“Do you really think Hank would have disobeyed the orders from her captain?” I asked him. Hank was nothing if not a rule follower.

“I guess not,” he admitted. “So you’re saying that Mom stayed, knowing that she’d be killed, just so she was with Hank?”

“I don’t think your mother thought she was going to die,” I told him carefully. “I think she knew that was a risk. I have no way of knowing what she was thinking, but I’m going to assume she looked at the two courses of action and decided that leaving like you did was a less risky choice. That’s why she sent Maddy with you.”

“So she balanced that against taking the riskier option and staying with Hank, so Hank wasn’t all alone?” he asked. I nodded, even though I wasn’t sure that’s what Jeanine was thinking. “She must have really loved Hank.”

“She must have,” I agreed, and then found myself plummeting into a morass of guilt, wondering if all my ruminations about Robbie were disloyal, and if they meant I didn’t love him.

His phone rang, distracting us, and he paused to talk, then walked away to have his discussion in private. I didn’t hear what he said, but based on his expression, it wasn’t a pleasant conversation. “We need to head back to the hotel,” he said as he walked back to me.

“Is something wrong?”

“Darius says that it’s time for me to hang out with Mom’s parents,” he said.

“I’m sure they’ll be happy to see you,” I said. None of the boys liked Jeanine’s parents, but of the three, Will disliked them the most. He never told me why, and got pissed off when I’d probed to find out.

“I’m sure,” he said sarcastically. “We’re supposed to go over to their house.” He looked like a caged lion.

“Well, we’ll go over there, and stay for a bit, then if you want to leave, we can leave,” I said.

“Thanks,” he said. “Maddy’s nurse is bringing her along as well. JJ and Tiffany just got in, and JJ is even more pissed off than me about going over there.” That seemed to amuse him.

“I think he’s just unhappy to be here, period,” I said. “He wants to be on the ice.”

Will gave me a relatively dour look. “He wants to be on the ice, that’s true. But he doesn’t want to be here because he doesn’t want to deal with what happened. And I don’t blame him.”

“Neither do I,” I admitted. This whole memorial ceremony, being back here like this and going through all these motions, was psychological torture to me. If there were any other way to honor Jeanine, I’d have tried to put a stop to it. This was one of those times where the norms of society demanded that we endure the pain. So we would.

September 20, 2001

I sighed as I climbed into the limo, following Will, Darius, and John. They evidently decided that Mom’s three sons should have their own ride to the service, and when John, Aunt Claire, and Uncle Jack had shown up, they’d put John in with us. I was fine with that. He was really cute, he was easy-going, and he didn’t piss me off.

“Dude, I am so glad you made it out here,” Will said to John.

“Otherwise you’d be stuck hanging out with me and Darius,” I said. His initial reaction told me that I probably sounded bitchy, when I was just joking around. I must be tonally impaired. But Will took my comment in a good-natured way. We’d been doing so well at understanding each other, it was almost scary.

“So now you know why I’m really glad he’s here,” Will said.

“Right,” Darius said.

“I’m assuming the same people we met last night will be there today,” I observed acidly. It was hard to imagine a bigger bunch of morons.

“Probably. Just be nice,” Darius said. He had this way of talking to me that made it seem like he was ordering me around.

“Didn’t I do alright last night?” I challenged.

“You did great, JJ,” Will said. If Darius was annoying because he tried to act like one of my parents, Will was almost as annoying, acting like he had to always keep me propped up. They treated me like some robot they had to program before they launched me into a public setting. Like I wasn’t in the public eye more than them. Like I embarrassed myself in front of other people.

“Thanks,” I said insincerely.

“I’m nervous with everyone being in the same place like this,” Darius said. “What if they attack us again?”

“They’re going to bomb a church in New Jersey?” Will asked.

“They could,” Darius said, and was all pissed off because Will called him on being paranoid.

“You’re right,” I told Darius. “I’ll skip it.”

“You have to do this for Mom,” he said to me, with fire in his eyes.

“Then quit worrying like a big pussy,” I spat back.

“We should have gotten our own car,” Will said to John, his way of telling me and Darius to knock it off.

“Then John would spend the whole ride trying to keep you from sucking his dick,” Darius said, making us all chuckle.

“Maybe we should have gotten our own car,” John said, flirting with Will. Will was such a sucker for a handsome guy who would play around with him, or act like he wanted to. I thought it was hilarious that Will didn’t seem all that close to Matt, since the two of them were so much alike in that regard. We pulled up to the church and got out, then waited for everyone else to arrive. I just stood off to the side with Will and John, while Darius was scurrying around trying to get everyone organized.

Another car pulled up and my grandparents got out. They saw us and smiled, and came over to say hello. My grandmother wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but she was nice enough, when she wasn’t judging other people. My grandfather was this hard-charging guy who had been a lower level executive for an insurance company. He liked to bitch about how much money he paid in taxes. “Hello JJ,” Grandmother said in her friendly way, as she gave me a stunted hug and a kiss on the cheek. She was always a little reserved, and seemed reluctant to say much. Probably because my grandfather didn’t give her much of an opportunity. “It’s good to see you too, Will. We missed you last night.”

I watched Will put his mask on and smile at her. “I was pretty sick, but I’m better today,” he lied. He’d refused to go over to their house last night, really pissing Darius off. I was so tempted to stay at the hotel with him, but if I’d have done that, they would have made a big deal about it and either forced Will to go, or ended up really making him mad.

Everyone came out for this thing to honor my mother. Well, and Hank too. In addition to the expected crew of Grand, Stef, Dad, the three of us, and Maddy, the rest of the family had made the trip out to New York. My Uncle Ace and Aunt Cass were here; Grandmaman and Frank were here, even though Frank looked like shit; Cody was here; and Wade, Tiffany, Matt, and Nana were here.

I followed Will and John to the pews reserved for family members, and sat with my brothers in the front row. Darius had demanded that we have the seats in the front row, as the primary mourners, as he’d put it. To me, it just seemed like that much more pressure. It made Will happy because that had annoyed my grandparents. I more or less zoned out during the service, where several people spoke, some people sang, and a minister said a bunch of prayers. I distracted my mind by focusing on participating when I was supposed to. It wasn’t easy when I was in the front row, especially since none of the other people around me were from this church either. Maddy started crying, which didn’t surprise me. Babies were annoying, and she was more annoying than most babies. I tried to pretend that it didn’t bother me that Mom had all but forgotten I existed when Maddy came along, and I tried not to hate her for that. I tried. The nurse finally took her out of the church.

I was doing pretty well, just pretending that this wasn’t really a memorial service for my mother and her girlfriend, until I looked sideways and saw Will wiping tears away from his eyes. He was pretty emotional, though, so that didn’t really surprise me. I distracted myself, thinking about my double lutz and how I had to improve it before the next competition. I was trying so hard to keep it together, but these fucking people seemed bound and determined to get to me, to bust through my reserves so they could see me be as miserable as they were. I resolved again to defy them, to ruin their efforts, but then they brought in the big guns, and blew my shields away.

I watched, transfixed, as some cops came up wearing dresses. Well, I guess they were kilts. They carried bagpipes, and they started playing “Amazing Grace”. The song, combined with the sad wailing of the instruments, seemed to assault my brain, permeating all of my defenses like a toxic gas. I felt the tears form in my eyes and flow down my cheeks, but I was too paralyzed to stop them.

Thoughts of my mother flooded my head, and once they started, I couldn’t stop them. Suddenly I started to remember good times we had. I had visions of us on vacation, or going out together, or of her supporting me in my skating career. I remembered when my real mother had come back into our lives and we’d been spirited away in a Zodiac boat to keep her away from us. I remembered all of it, and the images were so strong they blocked out everything around me. I remembered this woman who loved me unconditionally, even though I wasn’t her biological son, and took my side to defend me from Will, who actually was her biological son. And then my emotions began to fluctuate, between love for this woman who had given me so much, and anger (and possibly hatred) at her for deserting me, and leaving me when I needed her most. I felt like I was completely alone, tortured by pleasant memories and unpleasant feelings, until I felt a strong hand on my shoulder. I looked to my right to see Darius there, looking as upset as I was, but he’d managed to overcome his own grief to reach out to me. I put my arm around his waist, and this rare physical intimacy between us felt good. He gave me a slight smile in between tears and squeezed my shoulder tightly.

I didn’t think things could possibly get any worse, but then they did. They showed a video of clips of Mom and Hank. Way more than half of the thing was of Mom and us. There were shots of us when we were really young, then when we were kids, and finally shots of us that were more recent. There was a snippet showing Mom at Dad and Pop’s ‘wedding’, and that was really heart wrenching, since that reminded me that we’d lost Robbie too. I was an emotional basket case after that. I so desperately needed to escape, to run away from all these people and be miserable by myself, but I knew I couldn’t do that. I pulled out a Kleenex and wiped the tears away, over and over again. And then it was finally over, and I was more relieved than I’d ever been.

“We should wait and talk to people as they leave,” Darius said. There was no way I was doing that.

“I’m going back now if I have to get a cab,” I snapped, getting a dirty look from him.

“Fine,” he agreed, and the four of us climbed into the limo, feeling completely somber and burnt out. “We’re going back to the hotel and we’re having a reception for everyone. There’s going to be a buffet.”

“I hate buffets,” I said.

“Then don’t eat,” he said, getting all bitchy with me. “This will give us a chance to hang out with everyone and share our memories with people who miss Mom and Hank.”

“I think this will give me a great chance to escape to my room for a while,” I said.

“Can you not be a total douche today?” Darius demanded, getting seriously pissed off.

“Dude, if you need to take a few minutes to get yourself together, do it,” Will said to me. It was funny that for a guy who started a whole lot of conflicts, he usually acted as the peacemaker between the three of us. “That sucked.”

“What was wrong with it?” Darius asked, now mad at Will. He’d organized most of the service.

“It was an awesome service,” Will said to him in that plaintive tone he used when appealing to Darius, the one that usually worked. “It was an amazing tribute to Mom and Hank. But it was pretty tough. You get that, right?”

He looked at Will, then at me, and mellowed. “I get it. I’m sorry I got pissed off at you.” He directed that last sentence to me.

“S’OK,” I said casually. “I’ll try to be less of a douche.”

We all laughed. “I thought you did really well,” John said. He really was a sweet guy.

“Thanks,” I said, and felt myself blushing. “I have to get to the reception in time to see all of Hank’s relatives.”

“Some of them are hot,” Will said. Of course.

“Dude, mullets are so not cool,” I said arrogantly.

“No doubt,” Darius agreed.

“And it’s not dressing up when you wear tennis shoes with khakis,” I said. “Even if you do pull out your best flannel shirt.”

“Come on JJ…” Will said, about to give me shit for being a total snob.

“And is it that hard to shave? I mean, do you have to look like fucking Grizzly Adams at a funeral?” Darius and John finally cracked up, and Will gave me a dour smile.

“They’re like the New Jersey versions of Larry the Cable Guy,” Darius said.

“Who?” John asked.

“Some redneck dude who does comedy,” Darius said. “Saw him in concert.”

“I’ll have to make sure I catch that one,” I said sarcastically. As if. We all laughed, and then steeled ourselves for our next act as the limo pulled up to the hotel.

September 20, 2001

The memorial had been really terrible. That wasn’t really the way to put it. It had been actually very beautiful, and Darius had done an amazing job, but it had just churned up all those emotions inside us, and made us really miss Mom and Hank. I was most worried about JJ, because he’d done that thing where he looks like he’s going to explode, but only tears come out. That’s when he’s the most upset. I knocked on his hotel room door.

“What?” I heard him demand.

“It’s Will,” I said. “Are you busy?”

“Leave me alone,” he said. “I’m beating off.”

“Can I watch?” I joked. He opened the door a little bit, and he was wearing only his boxers.

“I just want to take a quick nap, a quick shower, and then I’ll come back down for more of the hell show,” he said petulantly.

“Don’t forget to beat off,” I said with a smile, and left him alone. I went down to the reception area to find people were finally leaving. I had been so sick of being nice to everyone that I’d gone up to my room, smoked a J with John, and now I was heading back down to see if I could be done for the day.

I instinctively headed over to Dad and Stef. “How are you holding up?” Stef asked.

“I’ve had better days, but as long as this is almost over, I’ll make it,” I said.

“Did everyone already leave?” Dad asked.

“Yeah,” I said. I’d said goodbye to John after we’d smoked our J. He was going back to Paly with that contingent. They’d planned to stay longer, but Frank wasn’t dealing with things well.

“This was probably a bit much for Frank,” Stef said, mirroring my own thoughts.

“Next weekend will be worse,” Dad said with dread.

My grandparents walked up to us, and my grandmother was holding Maddy. I reached out my hands toward Maddy, and she smiled and reached hers out to me, asking me to hold her. My grandmother gave me an unpleasant look, even as she handed Maddy over to me. “Will you be coming over tomorrow to see us?” she asked me.

“I can’t. I have another memorial service to attend,” I said. That was how badly I didn’t want to be around them. I was going with Matt and Wade to this service tomorrow, another grueling hell, for a firefighter who had been killed.

“That’s too bad,” she lied, then turned to my father. “Stuart and I were thinking that maybe Maddy could stay with us for a while.” Stuart was my grandfather.

“Not happening,” I said firmly.

“I wasn’t talking to you,” she said coldly. Maddy chose that moment to get fussy, so I tracked down her nurse and handed Maddy off yet again, then returned to where Dad, Stef, and my grandmother were talking. Only they’d been joined by my grandfather, Darius, Grand, Tiffany, and Cody. “We get to spend so little time with her, and you all are bound to be so busy dealing with these tragedies, we thought that maybe Maddy could stay with us,” she was saying.

“Maybe we can work something out,” Darius said.

“No, we can’t,” I insisted. “She’s not staying here with them.”

“And what makes you think you get to make that decision?” my grandfather demanded loudly. He was normally loud.

“She’s my sister,” I said. “I’m watching out for her.”

“Well she’s our granddaughter,” he said.

“Mom wouldn’t leave us alone around you, so what makes you think she’d leave Maddy alone around you,” I said. Darius gave me a warning look, but I was so beyond caring.

“We’re her closest adult relatives,” my grandfather said, throwing down the gauntlet. “It’s our place to decide who she lives with.”

“That’s not true,” Darius said. “Mom left instructions on who was supposed to take care of Maddy if something happened to her.”

“And you aren’t the closest relative to her,” Cody said. He never jumped into battles like this; this was completely out of character. “I’m her closest relative.”

“And who are you?” my grandfather asked, all but sneering at Cody, who looked so handsome and perfect in his black suit.

“I’m her father,” he said. “Jeanine’s will really has no bearing on the issue. She’s my daughter, and that means that I’m the one who gets custody of her.”

“What?” my grandfather demanded loudly. I was just about to jump in and echo his comment, when I felt my father’s hand on my shoulder.

“Don’t say anything, and I’ll explain it to you in a minute,” he whispered calmly in my ear. I turned and glared at him, ready to go off. “Trust me on this,” he said, almost pleaded. So I did.