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9.11 - 70. Chapter 70
November 4, 2001
Washington, DC
“Ready to go, Mr. Danfield?” the copilot asked. I handed him my bag and smiled.
“I’m ready,” I said, and climbed the steps to Brad’s plane. I sat in the ‘captain’s chair’, as we called it, the seat on the right, next to the phone to the cockpit. He climbed in after me and sealed the door behind him, then went up to the cockpit. The engines were already winding up, and in no time at all, we were taxiing down the runway.
After the plane took off, I settled into the seat, and ruminated about my weekend. The interview at Georgetown had gone well, but I wasn’t sure that was the place for me. It would be strange to be in DC and going to school. Part of me chalked that up to arrogance, since by virtue of my wealth and pedigree, I already had some stature there. Being in DC as a student may diminish that. But the most important reason was that I just didn’t feel an affinity to the faculty members I’d met. They were nice enough, but there was something missing.
I got up and grabbed a bottle of water, then sat back in the seat again. I’d had a fun time in DC, partying with Trevor and his friends, most of whom I knew too. Mary Ellen wasn’t around, and neither was Beau, so it was just the two of us. I’d blown him a couple of times, just like I’d done in the past; and it was fun, but I’d been more into partying than getting laid. I didn’t even bother to check to see if my mother was in town. The last thing I wanted to do was go to her fucking compound, with so many horrible memories, and very few pleasant ones.
I sighed, venting my breath and my somber mood. It was inevitable that being in DC would remind me of my father, and that it would bring his loss back to me in a crushing way. It was a strange sensation, because when the news had first hit me and I’d gone through his whole funeral, Matt had been around to prop me up. Now he wasn’t here, and he didn’t even seem to be in my life. That should have made things harder, but it didn’t. I’d felt very much alone, and that had forced me to steel myself to deal with the emotions caused by the loss of my father, and my disastrous relationship. It was one of those times when the only person I could look to for help was myself, and so I did.
I’d felt myself getting stronger as I went out to the parties, happy to be out on my own, not worrying about anyone but me. That was probably incredibly selfish, but it was pretty liberating. My psychologist had told me that those feelings were normal, because I’d been carrying around the responsibility for so many other people, at least in my own mind. I’d assumed overall responsibility for my life, for Riley, for Matt, for my family, and my extended family back in California. Here, this weekend, I’d only been responsible for myself. It had been wonderfully liberating, and that had helped to offset the sadness.
I wondered with dread what awaited me when I got back to Escorial. Matt had called me twice but I’d ignored his calls. The first time he hadn’t left a message, and the second time he had, just to tell me that he’d gone off to Santa Cruz with Frank. He said he didn’t want me to worry about him. I hadn’t. What did that mean? Did that mean that I didn’t love him anymore? I thought about that, and pushed that aside. I loved him. I probably always would. But I was through with his bullshit. He was either going to get on board with being an adult and acting like a partner, or I was moving on without him. We graduated in less than six months. It was time for him to be a man. There was no middle ground, no gray area this time.
The phone rang and I looked at it with dread. There was no one I really wanted to talk to. I picked it up anyway, since I was in a plane and it was obvious that I was here, and because I had a hard time ignoring phone calls and messages. “Hello,” I said.
“Hey,” I heard Matt say cheerfully. “I was just checking to see what time you were getting in.”
“A lot of that depends on air traffic, but I’m on my way to New Jersey now. I figure I’ll be back in about seven or eight hours. Maybe more, if you count the drive from the airport,” I said flatly.
“Cool. It will be good to see you,” he said enthusiastically.
I could have said that it would be good to see him too, but I didn’t feel that way. “I’ll see you when I get back,” I said, the best I could do, then ended the call. I sat there, in a mental paralysis, until I felt the plane descending. The pilot called to tell me we’d be on the ground shortly, so I buckled myself in and took a drink of my water. We landed in New Jersey and the plane taxied to the FBO. I unbuckled my seatbelt and moved to the other seat, more to see who was waiting there to board.
The plane stopped and a blue Durango cruised out onto the ramp and disgorged its two occupants: Will and Zach. I decided to be polite and descend the stairs to greet them. As always, I went over and gave Will a hug. “Hey there!” I said cheerfully.
“Hey,” he said, but he was clearly struggling with his emotions.
“Good to see you,” I said to Zach as I shook his hand. “I heard all about your game. It sounds like you kicked ass.”
“Thanks,” he said. He was amazingly handsome, and had a really unique feature that made him even more attractive: his eyes had a dark ring around them, either due to skin coloring, or maybe due to darker eyelashes, but whatever it was, they just accentuated those familiar Hayes bluish violet eyes.
“I’ll meet you on the plane,” I said to Will, to give them time to say goodbye. I climbed up the stairs, and then peeked out the window to spy on them. Zach initiated a hug, a long one, and a meaningful one, at least from my perspective. Then Will pulled away from him and turned to run up the stairs, wiping tears out of his eyes as he did. I didn’t know what to expect from Zach, since Gathan was adamant that he was an asshole, but he seemed pretty distressed, and I could see tears running down his cheeks even from my vantage point.
“Let’s go,” Will said, and fell into the captain’s chair.
“Yes, sir,” the pilot said.
I didn’t say anything as we taxied out and took off, I just let Will have some time to settle down, and to recover from that trauma. “You OK?” I finally asked.
“I don’t know why I do this,” he said, all pissed off. “I get involved with these guys who I can’t have like a real relationship with.”
“Why is that? Zach seems pretty into you,” I noted.
“Well, there’s the 3,000 miles that separate us,” he said, being a smart ass, but smiling to show me he was giving me shit. “And there’s his football career. That’s first and foremost for him.”
“You think you should be first and foremost?” I asked.
“No,” he said, not a little pissed at me, and then mellowed. “It’s just that if he’s going to play football, and he is, that means that we’re just friends with benefits when we’re together, and cousins when we’re in public.”
“That’s how things were when Matt and I first got together,” I said, harkening back to those times. “It was really hard on me.”
“Weren’t you the one in the closet?”
“Yeah,” I answered, “and that’s why it was hard on me. Not only did I have to hide who I really was from almost everyone, but I had to make Matt do the same thing, and keep our relationship a secret. It was tough to do that to him.”
“I don’t think Zach worries about how I feel about that,” he said. Then he thought about things for a bit. “No, that’s wrong. He does. It bugs him too.”
“Sounds like you had a good weekend,” I said.
“It was awesome,” he answered, grinning from ear to ear. He told me all about the game, about Zach and Wally’s unpleasant conversation, about their tour with Brad on the hop-on-hop-off bus, which cracked me up, and about Chris Mendoza.
“So your dad has a boyfriend?” I asked.
Will shook his head. “No, he had a date, and it was kind of lame, but it was a start.”
“Does it bother you that he’ll probably start seeing people?”
“No, why should that bother me? Unless the guy’s a douchebag.”
I shrugged. “I think he has better judgment than that.”
“Let’s hope,” he said. “How was your weekend?”
“Fun,” I said, in a non-committal kind of way. “Interview went well, and I partied with a bunch of old friends.”
“It sounds like you’ve decided to move back east next year,” he said.
“It looks that way,” I said, not wanting to lead him on, into believing I’d be around.
“It’s going to suck not having you around,” he said sincerely, and that made me smile. It was nice to be loved.
“I’ll miss you too,” I said.
“There’s a custody hearing for Maddy next week.”
“I heard about that, and I heard it was pretty much a formality at this point,” I told him. “They’re going to petition the court to give Cody custody, and he’s agreed to let Tiffany raise Maddy with Riley.”
“That’s the plan,” Will said. “So if you go back east, does that mean Tiffany, Riley, and my sister go with you?”
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “I think a lot of that depends on JJ, and what he’s doing.” It bugged the shit out of me that JJ had any control over my life, but that’s the situation I was in.
“He likes being in LA,” Will said. “Maybe he’ll change his mind. Who knows.”
“When are you coming back to New Jersey?”
“What makes you think I’m coming back here?” he asked, messing with me.
“That stunningly hot dude I saw on the tarmac,” I said.
“That’s a good reason,” he said with a grin. “Next weekend. I’m flying out with Stef. He’s going to go to Zach’s game with Dad and me, and then he’s taking Zach shopping in the city.”
“He’s taking Zach shopping?” I laughed at that. “Does Zach know what he’s getting into?”
Will laughed with me. “I told him that if I have to put up with bullshit from his parents, he has to let Stef dress him up. So while he’s not cool with it, he’s putting up with it.”
“He’ll end up with some nice clothes,” I noted.
“It will be shit he doesn’t wear,” Will said, and I nodded, because it was probably true. “You talk to Brutus this weekend?”
“Brutus?”
“Your boyfriend,” he said with a sneer. And then I got the allusion to Julius Caesar, and that made me sad, since I could see why he would feel betrayed.
“I got a voice mail message from him, saying he was in Santa Cruz with Frank,” I said.
“You didn’t call him back?”
“No.” We flew on for a while, digesting that exchange. “Has Tony stopped calling you?”
“Finally,” he said, and actually seemed relieved. “I think when I answered the phone and screamed ‘fuck off’ in his ear, he finally got the message.”
I laughed. “Or he’s waiting until he gets his hearing back.”
“I am so done with him,” he said. “I thought at first that it was because of Zach, that I didn’t miss Tony because Zach was there to step in, but that’s not it at all. I genuinely dislike that guy, and honestly, I don’t want anything to do with him.”
“What if he comes up to Escorial?”
“I sent him an e-mail and told him not to do that, that he wasn’t welcome.”
“What did JP have to say about that?” JP was pretty adamant that he was the only one with the power of exile.
“I don’t know,” Will said. “I told Tony not to come up there, so if he does, then he can deal with Grand. But I think he’ll stay away from me.” He chuckled. “Besides, I told him that I didn’t torch Brutus’ GMC, but that didn’t mean his Camaro was safe.”
I laughed at that. “He’s pretty into his car, so that probably worked.”
“I hope so,” Will said. “It’s not like I want something bad to happen to him, I just want him to go away and leave me alone. Is that too much to ask?”
“Nope,” I said.
“So what happens when you move away?” he asked. “Will I still get to see you once in a while?” And then I understood what that was about, what his initial questions were driving at, and it was really sweet. He was worried about losing our connection.
“You know, no matter where I go, who I’m with, or what I do, you’ll always be my little brother, and I’ll always love you.” I think we were both pretty struck by how emotional my words were, and that my voice gave away the fact that I was sincere.
He got choked up for a bit, and waited until he wasn’t to respond. “I love you too. I was worried I’d lose you, either through this move, or over this shit with Matt.”
“You won’t,” I promised, then opened up to him, a rare moment where I let down my guard. “I know what’s waiting for me back home.”
“What?”
“Matt spent the weekend with Frank, and he’s going to apologize to me and make all these promises about how things will be better, and different.”
“It sounds like you don’t believe they will,” he said.
“I’ll have some time to see if they are or they aren’t,” I said. “But regardless, I’m going to make my choice of schools based on what’s best for my future, my career. It’s going to be up to him to adapt to it.”
“So if he gets into grad school, and even if you’ve been accepted there, you’ll go somewhere else if it’s a better opportunity for you?”
“That’s what I’m saying,” I said. He nodded. “He’ll probably approach you about this shit, and do the same thing.”
His eyes flared, but he calmed down. “He needs to give me some time to get over this.”
“You think you can forgive him, and not hate him?”
“I don’t really have a choice,” he snapped. “It’s been made clear to me that I don’t get to make those kinds of calls. He’s part of the family, so I’m stuck with him.”
“So if you’re still pissed at him, won’t that just make things harder?” I saw him get really mad, and I held up my hand. “I’m not arguing with you, I’m just trying to understand how you feel, and where you’re at.”
“You make it sound like it’s easy, like I just shrug my shoulders and let this roll off my back, and that things will be cool. You don’t get it. I can’t do that. I’m not ready to do that yet.”
I looked at him, and finally understood where he was coming from. “You need time to get over it.”
“I need time to see if I can get over it,” he said. “Remember when my dad and Robbie had that big blow up at the end of ’99?”
“Who could forget,” I said, remembering all that drama.
“Robbie came up to Dad and apologized, and he meant it. Dad knew it; shit, we all knew it. But Dad wasn’t able to just turn on a dime and forgive him.”
“And if I recall, he made Robbie jump through some hoops to win him back.”
“I’m not saying Matt has to do shit like that,” he said quickly. “I don’t really want anything from him. I just want him to leave me alone so I can try and forget that I really don’t like him.”
“You need to get to the point where you only sort of dislike him,” I teased.
“Exactly,” he said.
“It’s different for me,” I said. “I’m not as wounded as you are; I’m just annoyed and disgusted. So for me, he has to show me that he’s ready to be an adult and face the world with me, and he has to be willing to sacrifice for my career, if push comes to shove.”
“That seems reasonable to me, but I don’t like him, so I’m biased.”
“We’ll see what he thinks in a few hours,” I said, then smiled.
“How did you know that you’d fallen in love with Matt?” he asked.
I smiled, remembering those good times. “When he was all I thought about. When I couldn’t wait to be with him. When I told him things that I wouldn’t tell anyone else. And when I was away from him, the agony of being separated was so real, it was like a physical pain. And when I thought about being with another guy instead, I usually decided that I’d rather just jack-off thinking about him.”
“I’m really nervous.”
“About what?” I asked.
“I swore I wouldn’t let myself go there with Zach, that we’d be friends that fucked around. But I’m way beyond that, and I’m pretty sure he is too.”
“You love him?”
He nodded. “I do.”
“You don’t seem very happy about it,” I said.
“Like I said, he’s 3,000 miles away from me, and even if we were in the same place, we couldn’t really be together. I’ll always only have a small piece of him. I’m not sure if that’s good enough.” He sighed, and wiped a tear out of his eye. “I just see disaster written all over this.”
“You know, this may be one of those times when you just have to go with the flow.”
“You’re telling me this?” he challenged, making me laugh.
“Yeah, I know. Not my forte. But if you keep this mellow, it may be good for both of you. If you get all intense about it, it may not be.”
He nodded. “I guess I know that, but it’s pretty hard to do.”
“Yes it is,” I agreed.
“I wish I could control my emotions, wrangle them to the ground, like you and Grand do.”
I shook my head. “Will, I feel the same things you do, and feel the same impulses. I don’t have control over my emotions; I just hide them better than you do.”
“I’ll have to practice that,” he said glumly.
“You already are,” I told him. “Isn’t that what you’re doing with Matt? The Will I knew six months ago would have freaked out. You’re just asking for some space to work things out.”
“With these rages I had, I don’t think I did that well.”
“Are they better now?”
“Zach helped,” he said, then blushed. We had opened our souls a bit too much, or at least to the point where we needed to back up and pull ourselves together, so we spent the rest of the flight working on homework, or chatting about mindless bullshit.
We landed, and the plane taxied to the FBO. I looked out and saw Matt’s GMC waiting for us. “Looks like Matt came to pick us up.”
Will undid his seatbelt and looked out the window, scanning for another car. “Fuck. This is just the kind of shit I don’t need.”
“It’s just a ride home,” I said.
He looked at me firmly. “Space. I need space.”
I nodded. “I’ll ride home with him. You take a cab.”
“Bullshit,” he said. “I told them to send a car for me, and they didn’t, so I’m going to wait here until one shows up.”
The plane stopped, and the pilot emerged to open up the door. “Welcome home,” he said.
“I’ll see you back there later,” Will said, even as he got on the phone to call Escorial. The pilot looked confused, but I ignored that. Let Will explain his drama to those guys.
“Thanks for the smooth flight,” I said to the pilot pleasantly, then I went down the stairs and found Matt there, looking great as usual. He pulled me into a big hug, way more intimacy than I wanted with him, but I did my best to return it.
“Welcome home!”
“Thanks,” I said. I tossed my bag in the GMC. “Let’s go.”
“What about Will?”
“He’s sticking around here for a bit,” I said.
“I can take him back,” he said, and made to climb up the stairs. I grabbed his arm to stop him.
“Just leave him alone,” I said.
He looked at me, and was pretty upset. “He hates me that much?”
“He doesn’t hate you, he just doesn’t like you,” I said. I got into the GMC, his cue to follow me.
“So he’s going to be pissed off at me forever?” he demanded, all mad now.
“No, he’s going to avoid you until he doesn’t dislike you all that much. He needs some space to get over being pissed at you.”
“You know, I spent this whole weekend working things out, and I’m here, ready to grovel and apologize, and he won’t even hear me out,” he bitched.
“You hurt him, so now he has to be on your time schedule to repair things?” I asked acidly.
“You always take his side, and stick up for him.”
“I do when he’s right, and he’s right. He’s mad at you, and he has damn good reason to be. He just wants you to leave him alone for a while. So do it,” I said, and the last three words came out a lot more aggressively than I’d planned.
His nostrils flared, and even as he was driving, I could tell he was contemplating really letting me have it. I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to put up with this crap from him. “Fine,” he finally said. “It’s going to be really uncomfortable around there if he’s pouting at me all the time.”
I looked at him like he was an idiot. “Just pretend he’s not there. It’s not that hard. You did it to me for the last month. He should be a lot easier.”
We drove on in silence, mostly because he was trying to not let his temper derail his plans to be nice to me. “How were your interviews?”
“I only had one, at Georgetown,” I said. “It was alright.”
“You didn’t like it there?”
“The faculty members I met were all old and … I don’t know, old-school. I felt like I was in a place that was stuck in time,” I said, hoping I’d been able to explain it adequately.
“So you’re not going there?”
“Well, if it’s the only place I get in, then I guess I’ll go there,” I said, smiling.
“You’ll get into other schools. Who wouldn’t want you?”
“That’s what I’m thinking,” I joked.
“Is Harvard still at the top of your list?”
“Yes,” I said simply.
“I’m not sure I can get into their MBA program,” he said, broaching the issue we needed to talk about, but that I was dreading. His grades weren’t as good as mine, probably because he spent so much time partying and getting laid.
“I think we’ll have to see how that all works out,” I said.
“So you’re totally fine if we end up at different schools?” he asked, with his typical sense of outrage.
“Are you?” I asked icily.
“No, I’m not fine with that,” he snapped. “I’m not fine with us being separated. We’re supposed to be partners. I want to be with you.”
“We’re supposed to be partners,” I repeated, pulling out that line.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It’s supposed to mean that you haven’t acted like a fucking partner, so don’t pull that card out and throw it at me,” I said, much too nastily. “You’ve been living your life like I don’t matter, so I’m pretty much resigned to living my life the same way.”
“This is not an easy time, for either or us,” he said. “I’m sorry that I pushed you away, and treated you like shit.” He was sincere, but his apology seemed like too little, too late.
“So what’s going to change?” I asked.
“I figured we could talk about that, and try to work things out so we’re both happy,” he said.
“Well, at dinner the other night, Frank pretty much laid things out for you,” I said. “Did you change your mind when you were in Santa Cruz?”
“I don’t think it’s fair to the team for me to just quit,” he said. “I’m not saying you can’t,” he added hastily, “I just think it’s wrong for me, as the captain, to just bail on them.”
“That’s your decision,” I said, so annoyed with him. “You still planning to fuck everyone on campus?”
“No,” he said. “I’ve been really extreme. That ends now.”
“So what are you going to do? Are you still going to sleep with other guys?”
“You want to be monogamous, for us to be exclusive?” he asked, and seemed shocked that I’d want that. I felt the anger surging, and I almost laughed at how Will thought I was unemotional.
“Nothing has changed, nothing at all,” I said, shaking my head.
“That’s not true. I’m just thinking that we could go back to what worked for us, to where we were six months ago.”
“Only I’m not where I was six months ago. I’m where I need to be six months from now. So I’ll make this real easy for you. Here’s how things are in my world.”
“Wade…” he said, trying to calm me down, because he recognized that I was starting to lose it. I’d recognized that a long time ago.
“I’m going to go to the best law school I can get into. I’m going to make that decision based on my future, and my career. Whether you decide to join me depends on two things. First, it depends on whether you like the choice I made. And second, it depends on whether you can grow the fuck up, and quit acting like a fucking frat boy. If you can’t do that, I don’t want you anywhere near me.”
“So you’re giving me an ultimatum, and telling me that you get to decide where we live for the next three years?” he asked, all full of righteous outrage.
“No, I’m telling you that I’m not factoring what you want into my decisions. You don’t give a shit about me, so why should I worry about what you think at all?” He pulled up to the gates of Escorial, and they opened magically. He tore up the drive like he always did. “So you go party like a rock star. Have a fucking blast. Meanwhile, I’m moving on with my life. I’m a grown up, with grown up responsibilities, and a grown up plan for my life.”
“You don’t have to be a smart ass,” he said, because I was being snarky.
“And you don’t have to be an ass,” I said. I got out of the GMC, grabbed my bag, and went inside. I left my bag in the foyer and went down to the nursery, and put all my conflicts with Matt and my concerns for my future behind me, and just had fun playing with Riley and Maddy. It was easy to talk about making these decisions in isolation, and while choosing a school without thinking about what Matt wanted was relatively easy at this point, choosing one without considering Riley and Maddy was another thing entirely.
“Welcome back,” I heard Tiffany say.
“Thanks,” I said, smiling at her.
“It’s dinner time,” she said, looking at the clock. “You usually don’t pass up food.”
“No I don’t,” I said. I stood up and extended my arm to her in a playfully chivalrous way. “May I escort you to the dining room?” I asked her in my most pronounced Virginia drawl, something that made her chuckle.
“Why I’d be delighted,” she said, mimicking me, and making me laugh. We walked up to the dining room together. I chose to sit next to her. Matt came in and sat across from me, next to Frank.
“Welcome home,” Stef said, as he entered the room, with JP right behind him. “Is Will not with you?”
“He didn’t want to ride back with me, so he’s not home yet,” Matt said. That annoyed me, because he made it seem like Will was being petty.
“Serve him right if he misses dinner,” Frank grumbled.
“He won’t miss dinner,” I said firmly. “He will be a little late.”
“That is just fine,” JP said, to smooth things over. We’d actually all just gotten into our chairs and the staff had started to bring dinner out when Will strode in.
“I’m sorry I’m late,” he said to JP.
“Wade told us you were delayed,” he said. “It’s not a problem. It’s good to see you. How was New Jersey?”
“It was great,” Will said, and then turned to Stef. “I told Zach you were coming back with me next weekend to take him shopping.”
“And he was excited about that?” Stef asked.
“I explained that since I had to put up with his parents, he had to go shopping with us,” Will said.
Stef chuckled and replied, “I will wager he enjoys it more than that.”
“And did you bother to ask his parents if that was OK?” Frank asked obnoxiously.
Will looked at Frank, his piercing look, the one he’d inherited from his father. “Zach cleared it with the Piehls, and since he’s living with them, they’re his de-facto parents. So yes, as a matter of fact, we did.”
“Maybe Wally and Clara will decide to go visit him next weekend,” Frank said, a clear challenge.
Will looked at him as if he was an idiot. “Well, since airfare this late is really expensive, I doubt they’ll be going. And I can guarantee you that the goddamn plane is not landing in Claremont to pick them up.”
Before that conversation could get out of hand, I decided to distract them with a different issue. “I was wondering if you’d mind if I took the guest room next to Will’s room?” I asked JP. “I find that I’m sleeping better these days if I sleep alone.”
I could sense everyone looking at me, and then at Matt, but my eyes were focused firmly on JP. “That is fine. If you need something to make yourself more comfortable, you have but to ask.”
“Thank you,” I said. “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll eat something later, and move my stuff now.”
“Not at all,” JP said.
“I’ll help you,” Will said, glaring at Frank as he did. We walked out of the room together, the first time in a long time that I’d turned down an excellent meal.
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