Weeping Lily - 18. Chapter 18

By the next morning Jayden was back to his prior self, cold and aloof. After their kiss he had waited until Cal went to sleep and spent an uncomfortable half hour staring at his face, buffeted by so many emotions that in the end he simply closed his eyes and let them take him where they would.

When he could stand it no longer he slipped out of bed and limped to the bathroom, reaching for his pain medication. As his hand closed around the bottle the pain hit him. It wasn’t a physical pain, it was purely emotional. He wanted Cal, he wanted him so much. It would have been so easy to take the kiss further, to allow the sensations Cal, fingers woke in him to sweep him away but it wasn’t as easy as that.

The fear was there, it was always there. When he was with Helen she made him look at it, name it, face it. But he had never spoken about this pain. It was always there in the background and he had spoken about it briefly when he’d told her about what he’d done to relieve it.

They had explored the feelings, the memories that had been awoken in him and the methods he had used to control it. She hadn’t condemned him for it and they had talked about the disgust it had made him feel for himself and what he did. What they didn’t talk about was the fact that it was still there... that desire, that need to be hurt and to be hurt in a particular way... sexually. He had to keep re enacting what had happened to him in his childhood, over and over and over. Except that this time he couldn’t.

He was scared to death that he would lose control with Cal, that if he let himself go, slipped into the feelings, he would fall into that pit and start begging for pain. He knew that once he started he wouldn’t be able to stop. If Cal couldn’t or wouldn’t comply he would turn into the screaming, raging monster that had sent more than one trick running out on him wide eyed and calling him a freak and a monster.

He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do it to Cal. It had been okay that night. The kiss had been sweet and he had relaxed into it but he still couldn’t let go; he couldn’t allow himself to.

Sliding to the ground, wedged between the bath and toilet, he sobbed until his eyes burned and his throat was sore.

Eventually, with a pounding head and sore back he swallowed a few pills, returned the bottle, staggered back to his room and waited to pass out. He hoped it wouldn’t take long. It didn’t.

The next day he woke late in a foul mood, still half drugged and in so much emotional pain he had to call Helen and beg her to come round and save him from himself. An alarmed Helen was there within half an hour within which Jayden stalked the garden, keeping as far away from Cal and Eileen as he could.

By the time Helen arrived he was in almost too much pain to be able to function. She insisted that he take painkillers and lie down before she would even speak to him. And then he curled up on his side in bed and started to cry again.

Two hours later she left him fast asleep in his room and walked thoughtfully down the stairs.

“Is he alright Helen?” Eileen asked worriedly.

Helen sat down, still thoughtful.

“Helen?”

“Oh. Sorry. I was thinking.”

“Jayden... is he alright?”

“I’m not sure.” She smiled a sudden, bright smile. “But I’m quite convinced he’s getting there.”

“What did he say?” Cal asked anxiously. “Why was he so... upset? Was it me?”

“Cal,” Helen said gently, “you know I can’t tell you that. Whatever Jayden says to me is totally confidential.” Cal’s face dropped and Helen got up to put a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Take it gently, but don’t be disheartened. Baby steps okay? Baby steps in the right direction.”

“But why was he so upset? Last night he was fine. Last night he...”

“The road to true healing is not a straight one. There are ups and downs, but the downs don’t mean you’ve strayed off the road. Sometimes they’re necessary to show that you haven’t.”

“Do you always speak in riddles?” Cal grumbled.

“Of course I do.” She said brightly. “It’s all part of my womanly mystique.”

For a moment Cal stared at her and then he collapsed in giggles. After a while he calmed himself and became serious.

“What should I do Helen? How should I be with him? How can I help him?”

“Just be yourself Cal.” She said smiling gently at him. “Jayden loves you very much and that’s part of what’s worrying him at the moment. There’s nothing you can do to stop that and I doubt that he will talk to you about it; it’s too painful, too deep and too frightening. But he does love you and that love is very healing.

“Just be gentle with him, be patient. I know you don’t understand what’s happening and you won’t, but try to accept him as he is and not as you would want him to be. Reassure him that you love him and that whatever he wants is alright with you. Don’t pressure him but don’t push him away either. Watch for signs that he wants more than he’s telling you and just play it by ear. If you truly love him you’ll know what to do. Most of all just keep holding him and telling him he’s safe.”

“I will... I have... I do.”

“I know you do and this morning was testament to that. Don’t take it as a discouraging sign Cal because it is going to get worse before it gets better. Let him set the pace but not make the rules.”

“There you go with those bloody riddles again.”

“It’s all I can give Cal. Good luck.”

“Why doesn’t that really make me feel any better?”

“I don’t know... why?”

Jayden slept for almost twenty four hours, completely exhausted. When he woke up he was ravenous and ready to pretend that the previous day had never happened. He continued to pretend in the days that followed but no one else could forget and they walked on eggshells until they got tired of it and things went back to normal. Jayden went back to freezing whenever Cal so much as looked at him and Cal went back to fantasising and spending a lot of time in the bathroom.

It was in that time that Jayden got his wish and the band came together and started to work on his ideas. This moved forwards at a cracking pace. Everyone loved the songs and once they started to work with them everything seemed to flow. Within three weeks the music was written, the songs were as polished as they could be in those circumstances, and they were ready to start practicing.

Cal still had serious doubts as to whether Jayden was ready to jam. The work they had already done on the songs had been intense but Jayden had been able to relax and rest whenever he wanted. Even so he tended to fade out regularly, mainly because Jayden being Jayden he could not work on his songs without throwing himself 100% into them.

Every day they would be met with a bundle of energy bursting with ideas and new snippets of music or tweaks to the words or phrasing and he would make them go over and over the new things until they were fluid and as much second nature as the original. That was the way that Jayden was. Only now it wasn't the way that Jayden could be.

He would get frustrated because after a short burst of his usually boundless energy he would get tired and lose focus. Then he would force himself back on track only to fade out again until eventually he crashed. Only then would he agree to a break when he would doze while everyone else had a drink and chatted about how they were going to get Jayden to slow down. Of course they never came up with anything that worked.

After four weeks Jayden was undeniably much better. He was getting through whole sessions without crashing but he was still noticeably fading and needed regular rests. He was definitely not up to hard core practicing in a studio. However, the more the boys, and particularly Cal, tried to convince him the more stubborn he became.

Eventually Jayden, as usual, got his way and a few days later a car pulled up at the kerb. It wasn’t one of Jayden’s better days. He had been wandering the house and garden for most of the night, swallowing painkillers until he passed out on the sofa and slept for four hours.

Cal and his mother tiptoed around him and only woke him when they absolutely had to after putting off the car for as long as they could. He had to hurry and that had made him every more grouchy as well as tired and in pain. Cal did not hold out high hopes for the day.

The studio was a long way from the barn in which they had practiced in the ‘old days’ both in distance and in quality. Although it had not been built for them specifically Jeff had requisitioned it as their own personal space over a year ago and it had become their second home. When not on tour they had spent hours here writing, practicing or just fooling around.

The journey was usually filled with chat and laughter but today everyone picked up on Jayden’s bad mood and there was silence. Everyone was jumpy, watching what they said in case they said the wrong thing. They were worried that the wrong word in the wrong place might send Jayden into one of his ‘moods’ which had, so far, been absent thanks to his work with Helen. Part of their discomfort was that they had no idea what Cal would do to them if they precipitated a Jayden meltdown. Understandably therefore it was a tense trip.

Half way through the journey Jayden laid his head on Cal’s shoulder and fell asleep.

“Is he up to this Cal?” Rik asked in a concerned voice.

“Of course not, but you know Jay. When he gets something into his head no one and nothing is going to stop him.”

“But he’s not going to last the day.”

“Of course he isn’t, but we have to let him try.”

“What if he makes himself ill again?”

“Then he makes himself ill and it’s his own bloody fault.”

“But...”

“Look... I know you’re all concerned about hi, so am I, but we’ve got to let him do what he needs to do. He’ll be worse if we lock him up and don’t let him be what he is... a bloody pain in the arse,” Cal grinned, “as always.”

“I heard that.” Jayden murmured as he settled more comfortably into Cal’s side.

“We were talking about you not to you.” Cal said good naturedly and Jayden punched him in the ribs.

That lightened the mood and they were in high spirits as they pulled up in front of the building that housed the studio.

Jeff was there waiting for them

“It’s great to see you all back in the saddle, boys. I can honestly say that I missed the hell out of you. I can’t wait to hear what you have been working on.”

Although he would never admit it he was a little concerned about what he was about to hear. They boys had all assured him that it was good, Jayden at his best, but he had to wonder. After all that Jayden had been through was he really up to writing a good song? How much of what he was being told were the boys trying to protect him? And what the hell was he going to do if the songs weren’t good?

As the band’s manager he had a duty to them all to produce the best material he could and handle their career in the best way he could. How could he justify putting sub standard material out there under the Weeping Lily name just at the time when the fans were baying for more? But on the other hand could he justify crushing Jayden at this point in time?

The boys were still enthusing about the new songs and for the moment he had to believe them. He would soon find out.

While the rest of the group, even Cal, bounced around, excited about being back at the studio Jayden held back. For the first time he was uncertain. Had he done the right thing? Was he really up to this? Ah well, fuck it, too late now.

“How are you Jayden?” Jeff asked with genuine concern. “I have to admit that I was very surprised to hear that you were coming today. I hadn’t expected you to be back to work so soon.”

“So was everyone else apparently.” Jay snapped. “Since when has my health been the only topic of conversation with everyone I talk to?”

“Since we almost lost you babe.” Cal said gently, putting his arm around Jayden’s waist. Jayden sighed and rested his head against his shoulder.

“Why won’t anyone believe that I’m okay? Why won’t you all just leave me alone?”

“Because we care about you, Jayden.” Jeff said. “We don’t want you to make yourself ill again by forcing yourself to do something you’re not ready for.”

Jayden sighed irritably. “Can we please just get on with this?”

Frowning Jeff shook his head, turning away. “Alright, it’s your show.”

While the band set up Jayden sat on the large leather sofa at the edge of the room and rifled through a sheaf of papers. Jeff sat down beside him and he glared.

“There’s no point in looking at me like that. I don’t care. But I do care about you. I want to know how you’re doing; truthfully... and not just physically.”

Jayden sighed and shook his head. “I'm okay. Honest Jeff I am. I get tired a lot and I'm still in pain but I'm getting stronger all the time, and I'm restless. I need to do this.”

“What about the rest of it? How are you doing there?”

“Okay.” He stared fixedly at the ground. “I still see Helen every week and she’s been a great help.”

“But...?”

Jayden looked at him sharply, then folded. He closed his eyes and shook his head. “I don’t know Jeff. It’s hard. It’s all hard, but mostly Cal. I feel so... It’s unfair to him but I can’t... I can’t let him anywhere near me.”

“I don’t see Cal complaining. From the way he looks at you he’s crazy about you.”

“He treats me like a china doll.” This time there was no sting in the words which were spoken with undeniable affection and a twinkle in his eyes as he looked up at Cal who was totally back in his element. As if knowing Jayden’s eyes were on him he turned and grinned, his eyes soft and full of love. Jayden looked away.

“You care for him a lot.” Jeff said gently, catching the hurt in Cal’s eyes when Jayden turned away.

“I love him Jeff, I really do. I can’t imagine my life without him. I love the way he looks, the way he speaks, the way he moves. I love the way he takes care of me, the way he holds me; even the way he kisses me but... I can't... I just can't...”

“Jayden you have been through such a lot lately, don’t be so hard on yourself. Have you spoken to Helen about this?”

Jayden shook his head, staring at the ground. “I haven’t spoken to anyone. To be honest I have no idea why I am talking to you. It’s just that... last night I... I wanted... I needed... but I couldn’t. I wanted to go to him so much but I... just couldn’t. I wandered around the house and the garden and I tried to tell myself that I was being stupid, that if I wanted it so much, and I know he does, then why the hell was I standing in the garden at midnight, freezing my arse of, staring up at his window? It was hard, so hard but I... couldn’t.”

The words died into a sigh leaving a huge hole of silence which Jeff had no idea how to fill.

Fortunately they were interrupted by Ashton wanting to do a sound check

Jeff was oh so glad that he had not voiced his concerns about the new material to anyone. He was completely blown away, both by the snippet of the song he was hearing and by the fact that despite everything Jayden’s voice had lost none of its quality or force.

After that it calmed down a little, at Cal’s insistence, and Jayden was forced to sit and listen to the first run through. However, that didn’t stop him making notes and regularly calling out small changes to the tempo, volume, key and interpretation. At the end he was on his feet almost before the last notes had sounded with his list in his hand full of fire about the changes he wanted to make which were as inspired as the original writing. As usual he and Ashton were instantly lost in the world that was, at that point inhabited only by the two of them.

After the fourth play through, when Jayden was barely interrupting or making more notes they had to admit that they couldn’t go any further without vocals, which Jayden had steadfastly refused to allow Cal to provide. He knew full well that as soon as Cal started singing he would not be allowed to and he was damned if that was going to happen. These were his songs and he was going to sing them no matter what.

Cal insisted that they break for lunch before he would even consider allowing Jayden to open his mouth and, although he was clearly irritated and frustrated he complied, albeit with bad grace.

It did not escape anyone’s notice that he barely picked at the impressive cold buffet which Jeff had, as usual, organised.

“If you don’t eat more than that I am not going to let you sing.”

Jayden looked at Cal with the anger he had been suppressing all morning blazing in his eyes. “And who the hell are you to say whether I sing or not? You’re not my master.”

“No, but I am your boyfriend and I am part of this group. I care for you even if you seem to have such little care for yourself. I’ve gone along with your crazy need to be ‘doing something’ for weeks and I have watched it taking its toll on you. If you want to wear yourself into the ground then go ahead and do it but don’t expect me to help you. The least I can do is to make sure as best I can, that if you are going to do stupid things then you’re as up to it as I can make you. And that means resting and eating well and you are going to do both or I am damned well going to tie you to the chair until you do.”

“You can try. Just because I’ve been ill doesn’t mean that I can’t kick your arse if I have to. I’m still faster than you.”

“Yeah right. You can barely...” The argument was getting heated and the whole band knew that if something wasn't done it would rack up until one of them said something that really hurt.

“Cal’s right Jay.” Ashton said quietly.

“What. Who the fuck’s side are you on?”

“Yours Jay. That’s why I think Cal’s right. You do need to rest and eat.”

“Fucking conspiracy.” Jayden grumbled but of all the members of the band Ashton was the one he would never hit out at. The quiet dreamy boy was gentle and sweet and so lost in his music most of the time he was rarely completely ‘there’. When he did speak people listened, especially Jayden who knew exactly where he went. The two of them often spoke in a language of half expressed thoughts, ideas and even words, which the other caught on to without the need for further elaboration. They inhabited the same world... Jayden with his words and Ashton with his music.

Still grumbling Jayden worked his way through a plate of food, pointedly neither looking at nor speaking to anyone, especially Cal.

When they were done Jayden would be delayed no longer. Even Cal was forced to admit that Jayden was in as much danger of wearing himself out from frustration and pent up energy as with the physical effort of performance.

After a few minutes’ sound check the band launched into the first bars of the song, which Jeff was now familiar with, and he sat back his foot tapping to the beat. And then Jayden began to sing. Jeff was completely knocked off his feet. He stopped tapping and leaned forwards, literally on the edge of his seat.

He found it impossible to reconcile the powerhouse before him with the frail boy they had come so close to losing only a few weeks earlier.

The song was incredible, one of the best they had ever performed. It had Jeff riveted and breathless, not only because of its undoubted brilliance and the tumultuous emotions it evoked, but because he knew full well that the fans would be frantic for it once the promos were released. Good God the boy was incredible.

To Jeff there was no sign at all that Jayden was struggling in any way. His performance was flawless as always. However, Cal noticed and the rest of the band who knew Jayden better than anyone on earth picked up the signs too, they knew what to look for.

Cal was on the verge of stopping him more than once but he always rallied and so he held back, usually after a hard stare from Jayden.

Whatever he might say to the band Jayden knew his limitations, he just chose to ignore them. And so Jayden sang, and the band played and Cal watched.

As the song drew to a close Cal shocked everyone by literally throwing his guitar to the floor, causing a god almighty crash and a cacophonous feedback which he entirely ignored. Flying across the room, leaping cables he arrived just in time to catch Jayden as he collapsed.

“Fuck.”

Everyone who wasn’t already standing was on their feet in a moment, crowding around.

“Is he okay?”

“Of course he’s not fucking okay.” Cal raged. “I warned you that he’s not fucking okay.” Everyone took a step backwards, stunned by the ferocity of Cal’s rage, even though they knew that it was not directed at anyone but himself. When he said ‘I warned you’ he meant ‘I knew and I did nothing.’

“But how... how did he do that if he was so close to collapse?” Jeff asked nervously.

“Because he’s Jayden.” Cal said simply and sadly as he lifted Jayden in his arms and carried him over to the sofa.

“What should we do?”

“Nothing. He’ll be okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“No, I’m not fucking sure, I’m not sure of anything.”

Again everyone backed off. Cal in a rage was not someone to be trifled with even when it was directed at himself; especially when it was directed at himself.

Fortunately, within a few minutes Jayden stirred and moaned softly. Cal had never moved an inch from his side and now he bent over him calling his name softly. Jayden moaned again and opened his eyes, which flicked around the circle of anxious faces, ending with Cal.

“Pushed too hard huh?” He said, licking his lips.

“Too fucking right you pushed too hard you stubborn, pig headed, inconsiderate, stupid, selfish fool.”

Jayden grinned. “I love you too Cal.” He said mildly. “Can you get me a drink please?”

Rik hurried to get him a bottle of water from the mini fridge while Cal helped him to sit up.

“I think that went pretty well.” Jayden said with a slight frown that instantly put Cal on guard. “Except for the middle section of the verses. The guitars are out of synch with vocals by about half a beat and the drum combo at the climax is messy. Maybe we should...”

“Maybe you should shut up, lie back and listen to some advice for once. There is NO way that you are going to be getting up there again today.”

“But...”

“No ‘buts’ Jay. If you make one move to get off that sofa I am going to end the session and take you straight home.”

Jayden scowled and crossed his arms over his chest but he knew how far to push Cal and, truth be told, he knew he was right. He also knew he couldn’t win so he gave in as gracefully as he could.

“Okay, you can do the vocals, but I won’t be able to...”

“You won’t be doing anything Jayden. No comments, no notes. Just sit there and listen.”

“But...”

“How many times do I have to tell you... no ‘buts’? I warned you that you were pushing yourself too hard, too close to the edge and I will not have you in hospital again. My nerves won’t take it.”

“Oh well... if it’s your nerves we are talking about... we can’t argue with that can we?”

“No you fucking can’t. It’s your choice Jay. Either you sit there and behave yourself or we end the session and go home.”

It was a good indication that Jayden was not feeling well, that instead of arguing with Cal he sighed and gave him a small smile, which scared him.

By the time they got half way through the song, despite the noise, Jayden was asleep. As soon as Cal realised this he called an end to the session and no one complained.

Cal woke Jayden when the car came and for a moment he was completely disoriented.

“Are we done?”

“You are... come on the car’s here, it’s time to go.”

“Are you sure? It hasn’t seemed that long.”

“That’s because you slept through half of it.”

“Did I?” Jayden asked drowsily.

“Yes, you did. You completely exhausted yourself.” Cal said gently. “Don’t do that again.”

Jayden smiled. “I promise you can do vocals tomorrow and I’ll behave.”

“Tomorrow? There is no way we are coming here tomorrow. You are going to have a break of at least 2 days with no thought of music, the band or anything else that involves work.”

“Are you trying to kill me?”

“I’m trying to stop you killing yourself.”

“But you’re asking me not to be myself and that would be killing me just as much.”

“We’ll see.” Cal conceded. “But you have to rest tonight.”

Jayden frowned. “I’ll try.”

“Were you in pain last night?” Cal asked gently and Jayden gave him a very strange look as he nodded and said: “Oh yes.”