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    Parker Owens
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

A to Z - 1. A Journal

Warnings for violence, abuse, and sexual assault. Read with appropriate caution.

In the bedroom, on the far shelf, rests a set of old-style composition notebooks. A couple of them have yellow sticky-notes poking out at odd places. The story told in their pages isn’t just mine or yours. It’s ours. For the most part, though, you did the writing. These yellow notes are just the few places where you needed to know that something else was happening, things you didn't know about then, but I did – things had gone unsaid. These old journals don’t get read so much anymore. Time moves on, and the important stuff is what gets remembered. But it’s all there, our story, and that’s important, too.

 (***)

April 29

My name is Stefan Anders Ericsson. It’s a Swedish name. Today is my 16th birthday, and this notebook is my present to myself. I don’t really deserve a present, I guess. I never have, really. Dad says that I’m a bad kid, and he means it. I guess he has a point, since I made Mom leave us when I was eight. Anyway, we don’t celebrate birthdays. But I had a little over a dollar left from the money I found a couple of days ago, and I saw this in the drugstore on sale, and I just had to have it. I can’t write in it every day, but it is the closest thing I can get to a diary. Still, this notebook will really piss Dad off if he finds it. He’ll tell me it’s a waste of time and money on a stupid kid like me.

It’s the first new thing I can remember that belongs to me.

Most kids in school think I’m stupid, but I can write well enough. They just don’t know me very well. On second thought, maybe I am stupid. Dad calls me that plenty, and maybe I’m dumb in some ways. Maybe kids think I’m stupid because I keep my mouth shut. I never say anything, if I can help it. I try to fade into the background if I can, and just watch things happen. When other people notice me at all, they make fun of my second-hand clothes or my bad haircut or that I don’t have the stuff I’m supposed to have for class. Dad says I don’t deserve all the fancy extra things other kids bring to school, so he makes me scrounge for stuff. For instance, the best time to stock up on pens and pencils is in the first few weeks of classes in the fall. Lots of people drop a pen on the floor and forget to pick it up. They don’t worry, there’s more at home. Their loss is my gain. By the third week of September, I’ll have enough dropped pens and pencils collected to get me through the school year, if I’m careful and don’t write too much. It’s the same with a lot of school supplies, though I’ve had to dodge the whole calculator thing all year long.

The best thing about this diary is that I can write about the things I would talk to someone about if I had a friend to hang out with. Lunch means being alone – my table is always empty, and I like it that way. Today, I got to write in this book instead of rushing through my bread and apple and then trying to disappear. I can tuck myself way into this corner of the cafeteria, and I doubt anyone will know I’m here.

Anyway, Dad wants me home right away after school, so it isn’t like I can do things with other kids once classes are done. He says I have to work in the house or around the garage to make up for all the problems I cause.

Writing about this is hard and easy at the same time – hard, because some stuff is really tough to talk about, even with myself. Easy, because I don’t have to tell another real person – just the blank page in front of me. Blank pages don’t judge. Dad says it’s my fault Mom isn’t around anymore. I can barely remember her. She had deep brown eyes, and she smiled for me when we were alone together. But she also cried a lot, and she fought with Dad over and over again, though it was usually at night. I could hear them, and I could hear Dad getting physical with her when he got mad. The next day, she’d be really quiet, and move slowly around the house for a while. But it wouldn’t last, then she’d be OK for a few days. Then they’d be back to fighting like cats and dogs.

And then one day, she just wasn’t there anymore.

Dad says they were fighting about me, about how bad I was, and all the trouble I caused. She up and left in the middle of the night. Just like that. So, here’s question number one: why did Mom run away? I can’t help asking – was it really me?

The first time I asked Dad why she left without saying goodbye, he got seriously angry and just backhanded me across the face. That wasn’t the first time I’d been hit – I’d been whipped across my butt any number of times before that. But that was the first time I got whacked in the face, and my neck and teeth were sore for a week after that.

It’s not the last time I’ve been hit either, and I guess I deserved the beatings Dad gave me. It’s not like I’m good like other kids are. I always seem to cause problems, by being too late, or too lazy, or too timid, or too something. If I finish my work list and stay quiet, I can usually avoid getting a whipping.

Everyone at school thinks I’m a clumsy fool. It’s the best way to explain the occasional bruise or mark that sometimes shows. Once in a while, I’ll fall into something like a desk or a locker on purpose, just to have an excuse to have a bruise. Usually, Dad gets me on the back or butt, so that nobody can see, especially if I wear a long sleeve shirt or a hoodie.

But it’s harder and harder to avoid getting thrashed these days. The work lists are getting longer, and Dad is getting edgier, and meaner. Almost anything sets him off. For example, yesterday, he came home from the quarry about six PM. He took one look at the dinner I made – it was on the list – and started telling me I’d gotten it all wrong. Somehow, the peas were too mushy and the potatoes too salty, or maybe the meat was underdone. I really don’t remember. He started yelling about how I’d been wasting the food he put on the table, and how ungrateful I was. Dad’s a big guy, and it’s usually better to apologize and back down with him, but it didn’t work this time. He just got madder and madder, and before I knew it, I was getting beat up pretty hard.

At least he didn’t get out his belt this time. When he gets out the belt, I know it’s going to be bad. Anyhow, I curled up in a little ball to keep the kicks from hurting too much. I just lay there on the floor for a while after he got it out of his system. Later on, he dragged me to my room and threw me onto the floor in my bedroom. I managed to get into bed somehow. I remember the door slamming.

It hurt, but I deserved it. I ruined dinner. I don’t really know why it’s so hard get things right, why I can’t be good person, why I mess things up way too often. I just wish I didn’t manage to screw up so much.

It was no fun getting to school this morning. When the alarm went off, I dragged myself out of bed so I could get the morning chores done and the breakfast made. I ached, and if I stepped wrong, I got serious pain shooting across my sides and ribs. I dressed in my usual t-shirt and long sleeved denim jacket. They hide the scars pretty well. I’m glad the jacket is a little too big, so the bruises don’t rub so much.

Still, the ride on the bus was agony. Every bump and pothole hurt.

Things got better as the day went on. Moving around helped some. That and I skipped out during my study hall and went into the drugstore for some aspirin.

I doubt anyone here at Carlsberg Central High School noticed I was missing.

em>Many thanks to Craftingmom for her peerless editing and suggestions.
Reviews and comments of any kind would be welcome.
Copyright © 2016 Parker Owens; All Rights Reserved.
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
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Chapter Comments



This is such a powerful beginning, but when I read this chapter the first time, I had no idea how much this story would affect me.

 

I am fortunate that I never experienced anything even remotely similar to Stefan's experiences (or Eric, Andy, or Reed, for that matter).

 

But I feel very fortunate to have been able to read this story. Thank you for making it available for me to read without charge. With many of us, every penny counts! (Too bad Stefan didn't have access to stories like this!)

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After reading all the reviews and @weinerdog recommending this story here I am. 

Great first chapter. I feel sorry for Stefan, he doesn't deserve to beaten all the time by his father.

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6 hours ago, chris191070 said:

After reading all the reviews and @weinerdog recommending this story here I am. 

Great first chapter. I feel sorry for Stefan, he doesn't deserve to beaten all the time by his father.

No kid deserves a father like Stefan’s. What’s worse is the rest of the world which turns away from him, or which is blind to his plight. Thanks for reading and commenting.

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I am just reading based on a recommendation from @weinerdog as well!  I loved Double Concerto, I'm not sure how this one slipped through the cracks.  I'm sad for Stefan, angry at dad, sad and angry with the school system for letting this poor boy exist in hell for 8 years without anyone noticing or doing anything about it.  I agree with an earlier comment that dad most likely killed his mom, then used her "disappearance" as ammunition against him.

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@CincyKris I’m grateful you have undertaken to read this story. It can be hard to read, yet the greater tragedy is that there are kids like Stefan all over this continent. 

Edited by Parker Owens
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I think the beginning of this story is very well written and makes me want to read more.  The abuse of a child is very discomforting and more pointedly so because of the journal format.  I am intrigued.  I am glad you mentioned to Gary (Headstall) that the first 5 chapters are the hardest, then it gets better.  I will try to make it through to the good stuff.  

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After reading the stellar reviews I’m diving in. It’s already easy to see that art will imitate life here. 

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23 minutes ago, Dan South said:

After reading the stellar reviews I’m diving in. It’s already easy to see that art will imitate life here. 

You are going to love it but fair warning the first 8 chapters or so are very difficult. Hang with it there are other parts that will also get to you. There was a reader who left a message saying he was going to stop reading the story a year later he finished it and left a 5 star review

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4 hours ago, Dan South said:

After reading the stellar reviews I’m diving in. It’s already easy to see that art will imitate life here. 

Thank you for starting A to Z.  It is not always an easy read, as the clouds that gather do not always part swiftly.  I am most grateful that you have undertaken to try the story.

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On 2/2/2023 at 1:08 AM, Dan South said:

After reading the stellar reviews I’m diving in. It’s already easy to see that art will imitate life here. 

Hi @Dan South  This is a brilliant story and you will love it by the end.  The beginning was difficult for me, but it only made the ending that much more wonderful.  Stick with it!

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1 hour ago, raven1 said:

Hi @Dan South  This is a brilliant story and you will love it by the end.  The beginning was difficult for me, but it only made the ending that much more wonderful.  Stick with it!

Quoting you so I can love this comment twice❤️ Thank you for taking time to encourage me onward. I don’t think I could put this down at this point. 

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11 minutes ago, Dan South said:

Quoting you so I can love this comment twice❤️ Thank you for taking time to encourage me onward. I don’t think I could put this down at this point. 

To be honest, several chapters in I had to take a break for a couple of days.  I bond with well written characters like Stefan sometimes.  I did get back and the story began to get much easier to read.  Like I said, it is an awesome story that I love and remember.  I'll probably read it again sometime this year.

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