Storms - 40. Michael

I rang the doorbell to Stephen and Lewis’s house. Daniel’s house. The thought made me smile. It was early Thursday afternoon, two days before New Year’s Eve. Christmas had been good. Better than good. It had been great, and I knew Daniel had had a good Christmas, too, for once. I hoped things had gone well with his grandparents the day before.

The door opened and Daniel appeared. ‘Hey.’

‘Hey!’ I grinned, stepping inside, but a moment later my face fell at seeing Daniel’s expression. He looked miserable. ‘Are you okay?’

He shook his head. ‘Not really. Er . . . just come upstairs. I’ll . . . I’ll tell you everything.’

I followed him to his room and we sat down on his bed. Without a word, he put his arms around me and pressed his lips to mine. The kiss felt slightly desperate, and soon I tasted salt. I pulled away. ‘What’s going on, Danny?’

He drew a shaky breath, wiping his cheeks with the back of his hand. ‘It’s my grandparents . . . They . . . they want me to come live with them.’

My mouth fell open. ‘What?’

‘After New Year’s, they want me to . . . Fuck!’ A loud sob escaped him and I took him in my arms, holding him close.

‘You don’t have to go,’ I said. ‘You have to get a say, right?’

He shook his head. ‘I could refuse to go, but . . . Stephen and Lewis, they’ll have to go to so much trouble. And it could backfire. Social Services could take it the wrong way and take me away anyway. And they have rights, my grandparents, ’cause they’re relations.’

‘You have rights, too!’ I said. I realised I was raising my voice and took a deep breath. ‘What about your rights?’

‘I’m a minor,’ he said softly. ‘They’re supposed to just do what they think is best for me.’

‘So . . . so you have to go? To Dudley?’

He nodded. ‘Yes.’

My chest felt tight. ‘When?’

‘On Monday. They . . . they’re gonna pick me up.’

I hugged him tightly, taking deep breaths to hold back the tears. This couldn’t be right. This couldn’t be allowed. They couldn’t just take Daniel away from everything he knew, from his school and his friends and Stephen and Lewis and . . . and me. They couldn’t just take him away from me, not now. Not when things were finally getting better. He was feeling more confident and self-assured. He was happier. This could undo all of that. Undo everything.

‘What about your therapist?’ I said. ‘She’s got to have a recommendation.’

‘She’s not at work until after New Year’s. I guess they’ll talk to her, but . . . could take a while.’ He sat up and looked at me, his hazel eyes wet with tears. ‘I don’t want it to be over.’

I frowned. ‘For what to be over?’

‘This . . . us.’

‘It’s not,’ I said firmly. ‘I don’t care if you go to Dudley, I still . . . I still want to be your boyfriend. Okay?’

‘But I can’t ask you to—’

‘You don’t have to ask,’ I said. ‘I don’t want to end this. If you do, then . . . then we will, but I don’t. I still want to be with you. I can come visit. We’ll talk on the phone, and text and stuff. I’m not going anywhere.’

He nodded. ‘Okay.’ Then he got a hard, determined look in his eyes. ‘I’m coming back. First chance I get, I’m coming back home.’

I wasn’t sure I could speak without crying, so instead, I just kissed him. We lay down on the bed together, took our shirts off so we were skin to skin. The thought of never being able to do this again was too much to bear. I wanted to be with him like this forever, never let him go. We stayed like that for a long time, getting each other worked up, though we still didn’t do anything more than kiss. I wanted it more than ever, but the last thing I wanted to do was to pressure him when he was already so vulnerable.

The only thing to do was to make the best of the time we had together.

* * *

A social worker was coming to visit that afternoon, so I had to go home for dinner. A couple of hours later, when I was in my room, my phone rang. It was Daniel. I answered quickly. ‘Hey!’

‘Hey you,’ he said. He took a deep breath. ‘Okay, so, the social worker said that I’m not going forever.’

‘Really?’ I could hear the hope and relief in my own voice.

‘Yeah. I’m going for two weeks, then back here for a bit, and then two weeks more there. It’s a whole evaluation thingy. But . . . I dunno. They may still—’ He cut himself off and I heard the quaver in his voice.

‘They can’t make you if you hate it,’ I said firmly. ‘That’s what the whole thing is for, right? So you can decide.’

‘And so they can decide.’ His voice sounded small. ‘They said . . . they said we could put it off a couple more weeks, get me used to the idea, but I know I’ll just angst out about it and it’ll get worse and worse. So, I want to do it now, get it over with.’

‘Yeah. Okay.’ I swallowed. ‘But you’ll be back?’

‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Sunday two weeks. They’ll drive me back.’

I smiled. ‘I’ll be waiting for you when you get here.’

* * *

I went to Trev’s party on New Year’s Eve. I had already told Amy, Deacon and Siobhan about Daniel, and they all gave me lingering hugs when they saw me. ‘Are you okay?’ Amy asked.

‘Yeah. No. Not really, but . . . I will be.’

‘Surprised you’re even here,’ said Deacon. ‘Would have thought you’d want to spend as much time together as possible before he leaves.’

‘He told me to go,’ I said. ‘He said I needed a break, and he wanted to spend some time with Stephen and Lewis, too. It’s . . . it’s been rough.’

‘When does he leave?’ Siobhan asked.

‘Monday.’

‘But that’s just two days away!’

‘Yeah.’ I sighed. ‘Fuck . . . I know it’s only two weeks, at least for now, but . . . I don’t want him to go.’

‘Neither do I,’ said Amy. ‘He’s nice. And I’ll bet you’ll be fucking miserable to be around after he leaves, too.’ She smirked, and I couldn’t help but laugh. ‘Come on, have a drink. You want beer or Prosecco?’

‘I’ve got a cider Lizzie bought me.’

‘What, just one cider?’ She cocked an eyebrow.

‘I don’t want to get drunk,’ I said. ‘Don’t want to be hungover tomorrow. And you should take it slow, too, you know. Miss Cannot Hold Her Liquor.’

Amy rolled her eyes. ‘That was one time!’

‘No it wasn’t,’ said Siobhan. ‘It was the last three times, except Michael’s birthday. Slow down, sweets.’

‘Fine, fine.’ Amy waved her hand dismissively. ‘I’ll take it slow. Right, where are the drinking games at?’

Siobhan shook her head. ‘You’re incorrigible.’

Amy grinned. ‘Forever and always.’

A bit later, Deacon and Siobhan went off to dance in the crowded living room and Amy found a game of Never Have I Ever in the kitchen. I sat down with my cider, in a chair next to the balcony door. People were out there smoking, but the occasional breeze when the door opened felt nice. It was hot inside with so many people.

‘Hey, Mike,’ said a voice, and I looked up to see Jasper. He had Evie in tow. She perched on the window sill, while Jasper sat down on the armrest of my chair. He gave my shoulder a squeeze. ‘You okay, mate? You look down.’

I sighed. ‘Hey guys. I’m okay, I guess.’

‘You guess?’ said Evie, raising an eyebrow.

I looked at her, then at Jasper, and made up my mind. ‘Daniel’s going away,’ I said. ‘To Dudley. It’s far. His grandparents turned up. They’re his family, so . . .’ I exhaled slowly. ‘It’s just for two weeks, for now. He doesn’t want to go, but he’s doing it anyway. I don’t want him to go either. He’s . . .’ I licked my lips. I’d be outing Daniel as well as myself, but he was already out to lots of people and he had said it was okay for me to tell my friends if I wanted to. Jasper and Evie were my friends. And if it was safe to come out to anyone, it was Jasper. ‘We’re together,’ I said. ‘As in, he’s my boyfriend.’

‘Oh,’ said Jasper. He gave me a sad smile. ‘I’m sorry. That must be really hard for you.’

‘Yeah. Thanks.’

‘So, you like boys, then?’ said Evie. Her smile was kind.

‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘Yeah, I’m . . . I’m gay. I mean, I’m not like, out. Or anything. Yet. I’m just . . . taking my time.’

‘That’s okay,’ said Jasper. ‘We won’t tell anyone. I’m . . . Well, I’m bi.’

‘Really?’ I smiled. ‘That’s cool.’

‘I’ve never been less surprised to hear anything in my life,’ said Evie with a grin.

Jasper laughed. ‘Oh, really?’

‘Well, explains how flirty you are.’ She looked at me. ‘And how flirty you’re not. God, there are going to be so many disappointed girls when you come out fully.’

I blushed. ‘I don’t get it,’ I said. ‘I don’t get why they like me.’

‘I do,’ said Jasper and kissed my cheek.

Just then, Trev walked by. ‘Oi, you guys gonna need another seven minutes in heaven, or what?’

‘Oh, no need for that,’ said Jasper. ‘I can’t hide my feelings anymore. I love you Michael. Marry me.’

I shook my head and laughed. ‘Told you before, Jasper. I’m flattered, but I’m just not that into you.’

‘Bollocks!’ he replied with a grin. ‘Everyone’s into me! Right, Trev?’

Trev blushed. ‘Don’t be so gay.’

‘Ah, gay, straight, they’re just labels, man!’

Trev laughed, rolled his eyes, and went on his way. Jasper glanced at his retreating back, and then his eyes wandered down to his arse before he turned to me again. ‘One of these days, Mike,’ he said, ‘I am tapping that. One of these days.’

‘No way,’ said Evie. ‘Trev’s straight, no way you’re getting in there.’

‘Don’t be so sure,’ he replied.

‘I’ve got to go with Evie on this one,’ I said.

‘Thank you, Michael.’

‘Niko, though,’ I continued, gesturing to where a clutch of people were dancing. Niko had dark hair and dark eyes, and an amazing arse. ‘Moves like that, no way he’s straight.’

‘Hm, good point,’ said Jasper. ‘He’s cute, too.’

‘Nah, not my type,’ said Evie. ‘Adam, though.’ She nodded towards the guy next to Niko. Adam was tall, blonde, and broad-shouldered. And a terrible dancer. ‘He could get on top of me any day.’

‘Oh, he’s straight as they come,’ said Jasper. ‘You should go for it.’

‘Nah, he likes Jess. I have it on good authority.’

Jasper lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. ‘Jess is dating Rohan on the down-low. Adam doesn’t stand a chance. So go over there, ask him to dance.’

Evie licked her lips, glancing at me. I gave her an encouraging nod. ‘Well, then. What have I got to lose, right?’

‘Not a damned thing,’ I said.

She walked off. As she joined the group, Loubna, a pretty Moroccan girl I knew reasonably well, looked up and smiled at Jasper. He smiled back, then looked away.

‘Oh?’ I said.

Jasper smiled sheepishly. ‘Yeah. For a while now.’

‘Is it a thing?’

‘Kind of?’ He scratched the back of his neck. ‘We kissed a couple of weeks back, but I haven’t really seen her since.’

‘Well, what are you sitting here with me for, then?’

‘Keeping a friend company?’ he tried.

I shook my head. ‘That’s a shit excuse. I’ll be fine. Go get her. Give her a big smooch at midnight.’

He laughed. ‘Yes sir,’ he said. ‘But . . . come find me if you wanna talk, okay? I don’t want you to sit here all sad and alone and pining and shit.’

‘I’m all right. Really. I can always go join Amy for Never Have I Ever or something.’

‘Well, if you’re sure.’ He stood up and held out his fist. I bumped it with my own. ‘Be kind to yourself, yeah?’

‘I will.’ I watched him walk off and join Loubna, who seemed delighted to see him. Then I stood too, draining my cider, and headed for the kitchen, thinking I’d best rescue Amy from some of that Prosecco by helping her drink it.

* * *

I arrived at Daniel’s place around half eleven the following day. I was, miraculously, not hungover. I hadn’t actually gotten very drunk the night before, even though I had decided to help Amy out with her drinks. Yet more miraculously, Amy hadn’t gotten very drunk either, and at one in the morning we had both split a taxi and gone home.

Julie was there when I arrived, sitting in the living room with Daniel. They both looked glum. I gave her a hug and then sat next to Daniel, putting my arm around him. ‘You okay?’ I asked.

‘Yeah. No. Kind of.’ He sighed. ‘I’ll be fine. I . . . I’ve been packing. They’re not coming to get me, Stephen and Lewis are driving me. Stephen got the day off.’

I nodded. ‘That’s good.’

‘Yeah.’ He paused, staring down at his hands. They were shaking and I covered them with one of my own. ‘It sucks.’

‘Yeah,’ said Julie. ‘Yeah, it does. I’m . . . I’m gonna miss you. You’re my best friend, Dan.’

He looked up at her and smiled. ‘Same. I’ll miss you, too. I’ll be back in two weeks, though.’

She stood. ‘You guys should be alone.’

‘No,’ said Daniel. ‘Stay a bit longer. We’ll watch a movie or something, just the three of us.’

Julie looked at me and I nodded. ‘Okay,’ she said. ‘What do you want to watch?’

‘Something funny,’ he said. ‘Maybe . . . Ghostbusters.’

I laughed. ‘That’s a great idea.’

‘I’ve never seen it,’ said Julie, surprising nobody at all.

‘Perfect! You’re in for a treat.’

We watched the original, and then we followed up with the sequel. After that, Julie went home. I stayed for dinner, and then we went to his room, where we kissed and held each other until it was time for me to leave.

‘I’ll miss you so much!’ He buried his face in the crook of my neck and sobbed. ‘So fucking much . . .’

‘Yeah. I’ll miss you too. I just . . .’ I wanted to say it. Wanted to say, ‘I love you.’ But it felt like such a huge step. We had only been together a little over a month, and I wasn’t sure if it would make things better or worse to say it. If it would be even harder to let go once the words were out there in the world. So instead, I said, ‘I wish you didn’t have to go.’

‘Me too,’ he said through his tears and looked up at me. ‘It’s just two weeks, but it feels like I’m going away forever.’ He kissed me again and I kissed him back with such longing and need that I thought I might explode. He was everything to me. All I wanted. How many people find their soulmate at sixteen? It was a cheesy thought, but it felt so true.

A few minutes later, there came a knock on the door. It was Lewis. ‘Time to go, Michael,’ he said with a sad smile. ‘I’ll drive you home, okay?’

‘Yeah. Thanks.’

We all went downstairs. Stephen was waiting in the hallway. We shook hands, but then I thought, Fuck it, and hugged him.

‘I’ll see you at school,’ he said. ‘Take care, okay?’

I nodded. ‘Yeah. You too.’ I recalled what Jasper had told me at the party last night. ‘Be kind to yourself.’

He gave me a teary smile. ‘You too,’ he echoed.

I turned to Daniel. He stepped in close, putting his arms around my waist, and hugged me tightly. I kissed the top of his head, then his cheek, and finally his lips. I couldn’t kiss him as hard as I would have liked with Stephen and Lewis right there, but that may have been just as well. If I had, I wasn’t sure I would have been able to let go.

Lewis and I drove in silence. Only when he pulled up outside my house did he speak. ‘I’m really sorry, Michael.’

‘I am, too,’ I said. ‘I mean, it’s not just me. You may be losing him too.’

Lewis nodded. ‘But we’ve done this all before. There was a little girl we fostered a couple of years ago. Sweetest little thing. Autistic. It was kind of like this. Her family managed to sort themselves out and she went back. It went well, they told us. I’m sure she’s safe and happy with them now.’ He sighed. ‘I want Daniel to be safe and happy, too. Here or in Dudley. Until that’s decided, we’ll just try to keep doing what we’ve been doing.’ He reached over and squeezed my shoulder. ‘Take care of yourself, okay? And hey, if you need to talk you can always go to Stephen. Or ask him to give you my number. If I can offer any guidance or support . . . I’d be happy to.’

‘Thanks, Lewis.’ I leaned across the gear stick and gave him a brief hug like I had with Stephen. ‘Thanks for everything.’

‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘For loving Daniel.’

I broke then, tears rolling down my face, and he pulled me into another hug. ‘I didn’t tell him,’ I whispered. ‘Should I have told him?’

‘You can tell him later,’ he said. ‘You’ll see him again in two weeks. Right?’ He pulled back again. ‘See you around, Michael.’

I sniffed and smiled. ‘Yeah. See ya.’ Then I stepped out of the car and he drove away. I went up the path to the front door and went inside. I found both my parents and Liz in the living room, watching telly.

‘Hey, bear,’ said Liz. ‘I guess asking if you’re okay would be stupid, huh?’

I sighed and nodded. ‘Yeah.’

‘Would you like to talk about it?’ said Dad.

‘Not right now. I talked to Lewis. I think . . . I’d like to be alone right now.’

‘Of course,’ said Mum. ‘Take your time. We’ll be here if you need anything.’

‘Thanks.’

I turned away and went upstairs to my room. There I sat down at the piano and, as I had before when I was upset, played every song I could remember. Then I started to mess around with some chords. They sounded sad and melancholy. I wrote some of them down. Not sure what more to do, I took a shower, had a wank, and crawled into bed. I lay staring at the ceiling for a while. Then I closed my eyes and cried myself to sleep.

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