White Sheets - 8. Guilt and Pain

"Remy?" Anduin sounded surprisingly hesitant, but Remy still frowned briefly before half-turning to Anduin.

"What's up?"

Anduin almost looked embarrassed as he slowly approached. "We haven't talked at all further about... you know."

Remy frowned a little, though he was pretty sure what Anduin was referring to. "I don't really want to talk about it." Muffled laughter sounded up from below as he added: "Really. Thank you for telling me, but... that's enough."

"It's not just about him, Riri." Anduin said softly. "It's about much more."

With a sigh, Remy set to reply- he was tired and not in the mood to talk- but Anduin put a hand on his arm.

"I mean it. Claire isn't just visiting, she lives here now. I live here now. You can't avoid me for the next few years."

"I know." Remy gritted his teeth. He was aware that in some ways he was running away from a conversation, but he was afraid of it. He didn't know how things would turn out, to what extent he and Anduin had changed in the last few years- or rather, whether those changes were enough. With a sigh, he finally pointed to his room door, not three steps away. "Let's talk, then."

Anduin squeezed his arm briefly before withdrawing his hand and nodding with a cautious smile.

Remy pushed the door shut behind him and leaned against it in search of support. "I want-" he began, but Anduin interrupted him directly:

"The High Mother sold me shortly after Remy killed himself."

Remy snapped his mouth shut and nodded simply; if Anduin wanted to talk, it was better than having to talk himself.

"I thought I was going crazy for a while. The three months I spent outside the convent back then, as half a child, weren't nearly enough to prepare me for the world. I'm not sure I've gotten used to it by now."

"To what? To the world?" Skeptically, Remy looked at him. "It's basically just a bigger version of the convent at the end of the day, with in comparison better and worse corners."

"Is that how you see it?" Anduin looked surprised. "Then maybe I was the one of us who was really naive."

Remy snorted. "Not really. I was naive, and not by a small margin. My good fortune was to be bought by Mistress Therese in the end, and thus get into one of the better corners." Perhaps the Great Mother or one of her Children had a hand in it too, who knew; he had prayed enough in his life.

Anduin gave a soft short laugh and shook his head. "What I meant, though, was more about being alone. It's called sandwich kids, with both older and younger siblings. I had Isidore and I had you guys. And in the end, you were all gone." He hesitated, and Remy felt a twinge of guilty conscience. "I think it was good that they sold me, otherwise I probably would have done something very stupid sooner or later. Whereas it was stupid enough to think the world out there would be better or slaves would stick together." Weakly, he shook his head.

"What have you been doing all these years?" Remy surprised himself by asking the question, but after all, it had been his decision, his betrayal, that had driven Anduin from the convent.

"I don't want to go into details," Anduin answered evasively, looking to the side for a moment; disgust, pain, and anger danced on his features.

Remy nodded in understanding. "You don't have to. Was it... ugly?"

Anduin nodded curtly. "Very ugly. For almost six years. Then I was sold and... and in the end I went to Claire's grandmother. Neither my time with her, nor my time with Claire so far, have been overly eventful, which I'm decidedly glad about."

Remy nodded again.

"But it doesn't matter if they were ugly times or boring times: it was always lonely," Anduin then murmured, his face contorting. "Christina said a while ago that I sometimes had a downright dead look in my eyes." He looked up and Remy understood what Claire's mother had meant, goosebumps crawling down his spine. "I missed you, Riri, prayed you'd have a better life than me, was glad you didn't have to go through this with me, cursed you because it was all your fault somehow and... shit..." Again he averted his eyes, half-turned away, but Remy still saw the tears shimmering in his eyes.

He swallowed and licked his lips. "The first years were ugly for me, too," he murmured quietly. "I'm... I'm sorry I said I didn't miss you, that's not true. I missed you being my safe haven, you know... You were always there and then suddenly you weren't..." Yes, in that respect he had missed Anduin. In other respects, however, he hadn't, not one bit.

Anduin sniffled, his face still averted. "It was your choice to leave."

"You could have brought me back," Remy whispered tonelessly.

"I told you, they would have broken you!" Anduin returned fiercely. "I couldn't have stood that, Riri. I may be your strong big brother, but do you know how hard it is to have to be strong for two? I have my limits. You've been as much a support and safe haven for me as the other way around."

Remy opened his mouth, but he didn't have an answer. He had never looked at it from that point of view, and when he realized it, he felt ashamed. To him, Anduin was just always strong, always there, always giving and demanding in equal measure. And this demanding side, which had grown stronger over the years and which Remy- at that time still as Maurice- had increasingly perceived as unbearable and selfish, had probably been only Anduin's search for shelter.

Anduin's suppressed sniffle snapped him out of his stupor and he approached him, wrapping his arms around him from behind and pressing his cheek against Anduin's shoulder. "I'm sorry." he murmured while Anduin simply stood there. "I was unfair."

That, in turn, now broke Anduin's stiffness, who whirled around with a quiet sob and hugged Remy to him. For a long moment they held each other, Anduin sobbing again and his grip tightening.

Vaguely, the thought flashed through Remy's mind that he couldn't remember ever seeing Anduin cry. The hot tears he felt, the trembling fingers in his hair and on his back, it was somehow unreal. He had often had to comfort girls after a botched exam, and he had comforted other slaves of the household, but this was different. "Anduin?" he whispered, leaning back.

Anduin lifted his head hesitantly, it seemed. "I'm sorry..." he whispered back harshly.

"Don't be sorry." Remy shook his head and wiped Anduin's wet cheek in a tender, if rather useless, gesture; his fingers trembled. So were his lips, he noted, as he tried and failed miserably at a smile. "I never thought about your view of things and-" Anduin's fingers on his lips silenced him.

"Don't. Maybe you're right and we should... and we should let things rest from here on." Anduin sniffled and pulled a strange face that might also have been a failed smile. "I love you, Maurice, nothing has changed about that. I don't think it ever will."

Remy nodded, again not knowing what to say. He didn't know what to feel, because right now he felt one thing above all: guilt- to Anduin and to the real Remy alike. He didn't know what feelings there were left in him for Anduin, either good or bad.

"Don't you start crying now, too," Anduin muttered, sniffling again, but already significantly calmer.

Remy shook his head, wiping Anduin's cheek again. "I love you, too." The words tasted strange. Anduin smiled, though, and out of a gut feeling no less strange, Remy raised his chin and kissed him gently. He owed it to him, didn't he, to give back a little comfort and protection after so many years of only taking and only reluctantly giving. After all they had been through together in their youth, he had rejected him like that when they met again.

The old familiar tender fluttering spread through his stomach and then the rest of his body, just as Anduin's hands seemed to spread over his body. As for the kisses, he could return Anduin's growing passion, because damn it, the kisses were good, they had both learned. As for undressing each other, well, he left that mostly to Anduin- that's how it had always been.

"You've really grown up." Anduin whispered as he glided both gaze and fingertips admiringly over Remy's body.

He shrugged. "Looks like it." For Anduin's sake, he wrestled a smile from himself and placed a hand on his hairy chest. "You haven't changed a bit." Well, there had been quite a few scars added, but it wasn't something that would be addressed at great length.

"Should I have changed?" Anduin asked half amused, half skeptical.

"Could have been that you're getting old." With a grin, Remy shrugged, but it fell from his face almost immediately when he saw it gleam wetly in Anduin's eyes.

"Andros' balls, what I would have given earlier to see such a cheeky grin from you.", Anduin whispered harshly and with a desperate looking passion he threw them both on Remy's bed where he started to cover Remy's body all over with kisses.

Remy let him have his way. He had enjoyed the kisses- very much in fact- but he was as unaroused as Anduin was hard. He owed it to him. If Anduin found comfort and security this way, if this was a way to find a peace that was probably much needed for the future, then so be it. That didn't mean it would happen all the time. Right?

"Did they ruin you?", Anduin then wanted to know as he stroked Remy's soft dick with gentle pressure and let his lips slide over his neck.

"Not completely." Remy murmured, shuddering since his body was quite enjoying the attention. "I don't think I could serve the girls otherwise."

"Boobs are a nice thing, aren't they?" Anduin murmured back, sucking on Remy's nipple; it didn't escape Remy how unconvinced he sounded.

"M-hm..."

"Where have you...?"

"I don't. The hand cream will have to do."

Anduin grumbled and stretched to grab the hand cream from the nightstand while Remy closed- or rather squeezed- his eyes shut. For the past ten years, the once-a-year health check was the only time anything came close to his butt in this way. As Anduin's finger pushed into him, the first thought was 'I didn't miss that'.

All too quickly, Anduin slid a second finger in, and though he hissed softly, Anduin spread his fingers. "Not so fast..." he begged, wincing as Anduin nonetheless rubbed his fingertips into his insides with more pressure than necessary.

"Maybe they didn't ruin you after all," Anduin murmured, kissing him with an intense flick of his tongue. "You're just as responsive as ever."

That was a rather dubious compliment in Remy's eyes, but his breath hitched nonetheless as Anduin hit his prostate, and an involuntary moan escaped him as that very spot continued to be massaged.

Anduin chuckled with satisfaction and withdrew his fingers.

Remy took a deep breath and listened, eyes still firmly closed, as Anduin helped himself to another blob of the cream. He heard the soft squelching sounds as Anduin rubbed himself and thought briefly of the mess it would all leave on his sheets, then he felt Anduin's tip at his hole. In the next instant, his breath failed him so thoroughly that he couldn't even cry out in pain as Anduin pushed himself inside him in one powerful motion, all the way to his balls. The hot searing pain had perhaps not befallen him for the last ten years, but he knew the feeling and he knew the different nuances in it. He was bleeding.

Softy, Pa had called him with sad eyes, while the real Remy had used the word almost resignedly and Anduin had always used it in the context of an apology or love.

"Oh shit..." Anduin whispered, somehow overwhelmed, while Remy breathed against the pain and clung to him almost desperately.

Even though it probably wasn't, Anduin seemed rough to him as he started to move.

"Andros' balls... oh shit..." Anduin whispered again when Remy dug his fingernails into his back and laboriously swallowed the pain. Probably no one would care if they were audible, but real screams were really not an everyday occurrence here and actually no one needed to know what they were doing.

Do I really owe him this?, Remy asked himself, breathing as fast and shallow as Anduin after a while, though for different reasons, Do I really owe him all this?

As if to answer positively, Anduin poured himself into Remy with a grunt and withdrew while his dick still twitched and quivered. He dropped down beside Remy and snuggled against him, urging him with a gentle squeeze of his hand to turn on his side. "I love you." he whispered so breathlessly the words were barely understandable.

Remy complied and bit his lip- out of pain and to suppress all words- he solely pushed Anduin's hand aside as it slid into his lap.

"No?" Anduin murmured, resting his sweaty chest against Remy's back.

"No." Did he owe Anduin an explanation on that? No, not really. And when Anduin simply snuggled up to him without comment and accordingly didn't even want an explanation, slight annoyance rose in him.

No, Anduin really hadn't changed much.

Even the rapid onset of soft snoring didn't surprise Remy much, nor did the vice-like, possessive arm that was wrapped around him. He had just enough room to move to reach the second light switch for the overhead light.

In the darkness, everything was suddenly the same. It could have been Anduin's bed or his own, Pa and Remy's beds not far away. Neither of them had ever said a word, although they must have been aware of what was happening next to them, after all, they could hear and smell it. Maurice had never asked what their brother or their pa thought about him and Anduin sleeping with each other for more than just the shows. From where he stood now, he was glad of it.

But then again, what would he have said if they had asked him why they were doing it?

Love? People who love each other have sex, you can read that in any book, so why not us?

Are brothers allowed to do that?

The children of the Great Mother also have sex with each other, don't they?

No matter what the arguments, pro or con- everything about it felt wrong and right at the same time. In the meantime, perhaps more wrong than before, but now, he was sure, his love for Anduin had also cooled considerably. The days when Anduin was his comforting center of life were definitely long gone.

And yet it was comforting, so incredibly comforting, to be nestled in Anduin's arms again.

His muscles contracted painfully, and he felt Anduin's cum trickling down his skin. Anduin loved him, he knew that. He held on to that thought, as he had every time he had hurt him unintentionally.

But did he even still have to?

Did he really owe him that?

He thought of the real Remy, of his own cowardly betrayal.

His thoughts were still circling around guilt and pain when he fell asleep hours later.