Love and Obsessions - 2. Chapter 2

Life and stuff

Life doesn’t start when you’re born; life only start when you get over all the teen angst, after everything mellowed out and the world is actually a lot smaller than you imagined it be. I really wish that someone would hold me down or do an intervention; really explain to me that the universe doesn’t hold a grudge against me and that high school isn’t the be all and end all. Back then tomorrow seems like a distant concept, now it seems like it can’t come sooner and that I barely have time to do anything. The other day I finally realised that I am an adult; I didn’t became an adult the first time I had a car, I didn’t become an adult when I first had sex, I didn’t became an adult when I graduated from college or get my first job, or even as I realised that all of my mails are bills. The epiphany came when I realised that I can’t recall anything of significant I had done in the last two years. I just realised how pathetic my life really is; that is when I realised I am an adult. It made me realised of a cut-off point; between a time when I had the confidence that everything is literally possible and now, I don’t have a single leeway to take any risk or my life would collapse onto itself; like a transitions between periods in history. The pursuits of being the ultimate consumer had led me towards debts and bills; that if I were to lose my job, it would left me homeless and destitute, or worst of living with my parents. I couldn’t help but run from there as fast as I could the first time, it would be borderline sadism if I were to move back there (for the sake of full disclosure I am now writing this on my mother’s kitchen at my parents as I have stayed for the last two months, but I’ll get to that later).

I left the last chapter a little hanging; I promise first time sex story, instead I gave you a first date story. So let get to that.

It was after our fifth date; it was late because he got off a late shift. He call, I said I was hungry so he offered to drive us to a 24 hours place he liked. It begin just us hanging out and talking; after the last couple dates I realised that he is not as animatic in person than he is on the phone, I got the feeling held back a little. When we were together in person all we seem to have is mundane small talk, he is a completely different person on the phone; he is more animatic, opinionated and more importantly interesting. Maybe I can prod a little.

“So you do wan’t to come over?” he was using his shy voice that turns me on little.

I must have been silent for too long, “So….you didn’t answer my question?”

“I don’t have condoms, we have to get some” I was beet red when the words just burst out of my mouth.

He laughs a little but his eyes peruse the place as to look if anyone is looking “I didn’t mean…….but if you want we could get some”

“Why do you do that?” my curiosity get the better of me; it wasn’t the first time he had done something similar.

His face change a little, it look like he is trying to hide embarrassment with ignorance, “Do what exactly?”

“You always look around you when we make a statement that might indicate the possibility that either of us is gay; you don’t even move your head just your eyes sometimes”

“I didn’t realised I did that; maybe it from all the trauma of being in the closet too long” he try to mask whatever his real feelings are with nonchalance; I can hear it in his voice.

“We haven’t have this conversation before, so I just going to go ahead and ask it; are you out?” I sounded a little more insistent than I meant to be.

“I am, out I mean; the most important people know. I’m not the kind of guy that advertised my sexuality; if anyone ask I would be honest but I don’t like to make a big deal about it in public, especially to total strangers” his defensiveness is palatable in his voice.

“What about what you’ve said about gays being visible?” sometimes I am just asking for a fight.

“I meant every word of what I’ve said; I also said that there should be every type of gays. I just don’t like it when people make snap judgement about me; I can just imagine what they’re thinking ‘he a nurse; no wonder he’s a gay or he’s gay that why he choose to be a nurse’”

His anger is more pronounce; so I backed off “Now you brought it up; I wasn’t going to say anything as you were so proud about your job the last time we talk. Don’t you change after work? Why are you still wearing that?” pointing at his uniform, he doesn’t even bother taking off his work id tag.

He face lit up into a little smile “I do change after work, but today I had an accident and pour a whole carton of juice on my clean clothes so I got nothing to wear; my gym bag is probably still leaking in the trunk”

“Are you done? Do you want to get out of here?” he probably saw that that I am just shifting my food around and not eating anymore by then.

“Yeah sure”

“You know you still haven’t answered my question” his eyes glimmer with playfulness.

I decide to play along “What question?” feigning ignorance; the thought it haven’t left my head even through the almost fight.

“Do you wan’t to come over?”

“Ok, yeah why not” trying to sound as nonchalance as he just had; probably failed just as miserably.

Turning his head to toward the window and pointing at the 7-11 across the street to catch my attention “I think they have condoms; why don’t you run across the street while I get the check”

I choked on the water that I was drinking as he dodges a little to get away from the spray of water and laughing so loud that I was so embarrass and walk out as fast as I could.

We don’t talk much in our drives; I don’t know if it’s the stereo that always seems to be on a little too loud, it drowns any conversations or that he kept tapping his fingers on the steering wheel as if he is actually enjoying every single song. He does make the impressions of a person who can’t talk and drives at the same time; he always turn to face me when he answers or when I respond to a question; as you imagine it’s a little dangerous to do that. When I point that fact to him he just said ‘its important that I saw your face when we have a conversation’; the tone of his voice when said it is unnerving; as if he was talking to a child, telling the child off for a minor infraction.

His home is utilitarian, very clean and almost Zen in its bareness, which I doubt what he was going for. There were family photos placed on a bookshelf dividing the living and dining spaces, but it look out of place; as if someone else brought them over and put them there. It was the only thing of personal value that I saw that night, though I didn’t get to see the pictures up close.

“Do you have OCD?” I honestly didn’t mean it as an insult.

He looked at me a little confused as if he didn’t know the language I was speaking.

I made a over exaggerated gestures of pointing around me “Look around you almost nothing is out of place”

“Probably a little; not that I’m diagnosed or anything, I always thought that I get the neat freak gene from my mother” as he grabs the remote and gave it to me.

“Watch TV, I’m gonna shower” it almost sound like an order but I brushed it off as he walk behind the door of what probably is his bedroom.

I didn’t realised that he walked back into the room; I was flipping through the channel when I felt his weight on the sofa. I pretended to found what I was looking for and lean back on the sofa very aware that he is sitting too close to me. I was staring a little when I realised that he was only wearing a towel low around his waist and that his hair is a little damp, which makes sense since he just showered; he was so close that I can smell his body wash.

“Do you really want to watch this?” pointing to a movie that is probably almost to the end.

“Do you have anything else in mind? Do you know anything else on?” as I reach for the remote before dropping it on the floor, clearly failing to mask my nervousness.

I was trying to reach for the dropped remote without realising that I was leaning into his lap; he shifted his weight a little before I know it he pulled me on top of him and attacking my lips.

He pushed me back a little; I must have taken over by then and unaware of my lust I was fighting him back trying to claim the lost contact. He held my face, trying settle me back a little. “This is much more fun than watching TV right?”

My senses are on over drive; I see everything, every crease his face made when he smiles, the taut muscle of his shoulder, arms and the gap in between his pectorals; the smells, his smells like drugs it is intoxicating; and the sounds of his and my breathing, his soft voices is all that I hear despite the loud and now incoherent conversations of the TV.

(Before you read any further, a little warning. I don’t know how to write sex scenes; I barely know how to have sex. Anyways, I am trying to convey the awkwardness of that first time; making it sexy would defeat the point.)

I was still trying to slow my breathing “Can I blow you now?”(I actually phrased it in a form a question and it was not in any way sexy) I lower myself as I pulled off his towel and saw his cock the first time; my first thought is that he is bigger than I am. I lower myself onto him and suck; I’m probably thinking too much by now and my thought was that he tasted a little salty, not that bad salty. My mind gone to every repertoire that I know in my short sex life; every porn I have watch plus the little experience that I had in high school. I was thinking too much what to do; it probably ruined it for him.

“Could you stop for a second” he pull me up standing and start to pull my t-shirt off. I left my pants and boxers on the floor as he led us to the bedroom; it wasn’t in total darkness even as he left the light off, the street light leave an orange glow through the windows.

He pushed me to the bed as he went down on me; I am still thinking, as if I was trying to remember the texture of his tongue on my skin. I was trying too much to concentrate on the feeling instead of enjoying it. He must have sensed that it was doing nothing for me; he pulled himself up and crawled on top of me kissing randomly at my body before reaching my mouth.

This time I pushed him up a little “Do you have condoms?” it’s the only think I can think to convey what I wanted.

Rolling himself off of me “Its in the drawer by the bed; check the expiry I haven’t used one the in a while” I grabbed the condom and the small bottle of lube and toss it to him.

With a startled expression on his face “I thought……OK then” and he quickly putting it on.

He lather a generous amount of lube on my entrance “Are you ready, I’ll go slow ok”

I simply nodded. It was the first time I had sex; it didn’t hurt as much as I was led to expect, but it was not totally painless either.

I was on my back; I saw him in the corner of my eyes but I saw mostly the back of my eyelids. Every once and a while when I remember to look at him, I thought how beautiful his muscles flex in the movements.

He tried to change positions a couple of time; our height difference only made one of them successful. I was hard the entire time; so was he, but neither of us climaxed, we had already the build up toward one; but he was exhausted. On the second try it also came to nought; we just stopped and fell asleep.

It was dawn as I saw the first ray of sun peeking through the window; I thinking to myself that waking in the morning sunrise isn’t as appealing as it sounds right this second. He is not on the bed then I heard muffled conversations; he is on the phone with someone. I pretended to be asleep.

“NO I am alone” his voice slightly angry

“Why would you think that? Don’t you even trust me?”

“That is a ONE time thing…I thought you wanted a break”

“Why are you calling this early anyways?”

“’You forgot the time difference’ great excuse”

“So the first time you went away you decided to check up on me?”

“I love you too BUT if you don’t trust me”

After long silence on his part only intermittently broken only by nonchalant grunts, that is obviously meant to be an answer for something.

“I love you and would never cheats on you, I am right now in our bed missing the hell out of you”

“OK call me when you get back. I’ll pick you up at the airport”

He must have hung up; he walk straight to bed and lie back down beside me, I was frozen I honestly can’t tell you what I was thinking because I don’t know what I think. I am not the violent emotional type, if I was I would beat the crap out of him (who am I kidding I never beaten anyone in my life) right there and then.

My mind didn’t work like that; ‘it is just sex’ that was probably his line of defence if I confronted him. We never explicitly said anything about being exclusive or being in a relationships; never once did I asked any of that questions. What did I asked his favourite colour and movies? Trivial and pointless information; he was probably laughing the whole time toward my naivety. I lay there emotionless until the alarm sounded.

“Hey wake up! You have to take me home, I have class I a few hours”

My tone was cold and he must have sensed that “Not much of a morning person are you”

I shrugged and walk out of the room naked as I remember that my clothes are in the living room.

Standing by his bedroom door “Want to get some breakfast?”

“Nuh…I smell funny”

He grabbed my waist as I putting on my t-shirt “You smell like sex” his voice overly excited.

I actually recoiled; couldn’t get away from him fast enough, it shocked him for a second before walking away and grabbing his keys on the coffee table.

For the last time I am thankful for the quiet drives, we barely spoken a word to each other in the car before we say our goodbyes.

As I’ve said I am not the angry emotional type; if he can probably write the whole thing off, as ‘it is just sex’ so can I! I will not demean myself to put more thought into this than he is; which is probably not at all. Life gives you lesson and this is my lesson on my naivety; I will not be this stupid again. He is nothing to me as I am nothing to him; this entire self-reasoning is another one of my many ways that I find excuse to avoid confronting my problems.